


Out of the Darkness

by conehead



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships- non-clexa, Domestic Violence, Drama, Eventual Relationships, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2018-09-15 09:39:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 98,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9229058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conehead/pseuds/conehead
Summary: Clarke is in an abusive relationship. She manages to get out with the help of her neighbor who offers her a home and a friend (and eventually more)Abusive relationship in the first chapter (that's also where the relationship basically ends), it's not too descriptive later on.it get's fluffy but with some drama and then it's fluffy again





	1. Chapter 1

The first time it happens she blames it on the fact that he had too much to drink. The second time it happened he didn’t get the promotion and she had spent too much money on new clothes. The third time it was because a waiter was flirting with her and she apparently led him on. And then it just kept happening and she kept finding little excuses for it because he loved her, right? 

She knew he was coming home soon, so she was currently hurrying through the apartment trying to get everything in order. The laundry was in its last cycle, the chicken was almost done, the dishes were drying and the table was set. Everything was perfect and to his liking, or so she hoped.

She heard a key in the lock so she quickly released her hair from its bun and took off her apron not sparing herself another glance as she moved to the kitchen.

She had just removed the food from the oven when strong arms wrapped around her waist and lips pressed against her neck.

"Mm it smells delicious babe" he mumbles as he presses another kiss to the top of her head.

It feels like a weight has been lifted as she smiles to herself over her victory. She happily turns around in his arms to properly greet him when he rakes his eyes over her.

That's when his soft brown eyes turn hard and a fire ignites behind them.

Suddenly her cheek is burning and she stares at the retracting hand.  
What was wrong? What had she done? Everything was perfect.

He takes a step towards her and pins her against the counter.  
There’s another blow to her cheek before he says anything.

"Look at you, you're filthy! What if I had brought company home? You think this is acceptable? You aren't presentable!"

Her wrists are starting to ache where they're pressed into the granite but she doesn't show her distress. She's confused and ashamed more than anything. What had she missed? Her eyes wander down her torso and stop at a small stain that wasn't there earlier. Trying to think of when it got there and how to make up for it she's lost in thought and is only brought out of it by another hard hit to her face.

"You're not even listening to me! This is why no one but me will ever love you! You're a worthless drop out who can't properly maintain a house, how do you expect anyone to want you let alone marry you?!"

He's furious and squeezing he so tight she's losing feeling in her fingers.

"I had a long day and don't have time to deal with you, go wait on the bed while I eat something."

His tone and past actions leave no room to negotiate. 

She retreats to their room and sits at the end of the bed with her knees locked and her back straight, anxiously waiting. Did she overcook the food again? She wasn’t allowed to eat for two days after that because she needed to learn to appreciate food and the money that goes into it, to not waste or ruin it. She was sure she did it right this time so maybe that would make him happy.

She hears his footsteps coming down the hall and adjusts herself to the most upright position while trying to seem as small as possible.  
He pauses in the doorway with an unreadable expression.

“Why are you still wearing that? You’re going to get everything else dirty!”

Within an instant he’s at the bed and ripping the shirt off of her. Then he’s pushing her down as he unbuckles his belt. 

“It’s been stressful at work and I need to relieve some of it. You’re gonna do your job and just lay there”

She stares at the ceiling as he pulls off her pants. He doesn’t give any warning before he shoves inside of her. She’s no where near ready and it burns but she’s used to it. Her body goes into shut down mode.The first few times she bled a little and cried out from the pain. She knows not to make noise anymore, yet he still keeps a hand around her neck just in case. 

“You like that don’t you? You dirty whore. I don’t want to come home from work to have to deal with you. This could be so much better if you behaved”

He’s relentless but she lets him finish before she curls up against her pillow.  
“What do you think you’re doing? You've lost your bed privileges, off”

She shakily stands from the bed and lays down on the floor beside it after putting a shirt on. It’s quiet for a few minutes and she’s finally coming back to herself when there’s a knock on the front door.

She hears him stand and pretends to be asleep as he walks out of the room. She’s just barely able to make out the conversation being had.

“Good evening officer, is there something I can help you with?”

“We received a call stating a struggle was heard coming from this address, do you know anything about this?”

“A struggle? Oh that must have just been the movie we had on, one of those old drama thrillers”

“Do you mind if I have a look for myself?”

“Normally I wouldn't, but my girl just fell asleep and I really don't want to wake her she's been working so hard lately. Plus we've got a big day tomorrow- we’re going to her folks and...well don't tell anyone but I plan on proposing"

“Ah well everything seems to be in order, I apologize for the late visit. An early congratulations to you and the misses. Have a good night”

By the click of the lock she knows the officer is gone, but what is this about a proposal? And her parents? Her dad died years ago and her mom lives on the other side of the country, she hasn’t seen her in- well she doesn’t know how long it’s been, he said her mother was better off, even happier without her around as a burden. Could they really be going to see her?

She slowly drifts off to sleep thinking of what all of that could mean.

She wakes with aches coursing through her from sleeping on the wood floor. She sees light trying to peek through the curtains and panics. She must have forgotten to turn her alarm on last night. She jumps up and looks to his side of the bed where he is still sleeping. She lets of a sigh of relief that she was able to still wake before him and heads to the bathroom so she can hurry to get ready before making him breakfast.

When she exits the bathroom she stops in her tracks when she sees he’s out of bed. She quickly runs down the hall towards the kitchen but stops when she notices him standing in the doorway.   
He turns around to look at her.

“Why are the dinner dishes still out?!”

He walks over to the table where his dirty place setting from the night before is and picks up a glass.

“A clean house is a happy house. When is that going to stick in that blonde brain of yours?” 

He throws the glass against the cupboard and it shatters into thousands of pieces sending shards all over the floor.

“Does this look clean? NO! And I am NOT HAPPY! Now clean this mess up”

She starts to walk toward where the broom is kept when she is yanked back by her hair.

“No you don't deserve help with this you haven't earned it.” He spits as he shoves her to her knees

The shards slice and dig into her skin but she barely let's out a sound of discomfort knowing it will only make it worse. She slowly starts to pick the glass up piece by piece, shuffling on the floor. She's about to move to the trash when weight is added to her back and she let's out a muffled cry as the shards dig deeper.

He's on top of her now holding her in place.

“Now look what you've done, you've gone and made a bigger mess it's so much worse! You can't do anything right!”

She looks to see what he's talking about and Notices a trail of blood following her pathway. 

She turns her head back only for it to be slammed into the wall 

“I don't know why I'm still with you! I thought I could fix you but you're a complete fuckup. No one wants that. Maybe I should put everyone out of the misery of pretending to like you”

He puts more weight on her and she can't stop the yelp that leaves her mouth.

One more slam of her head against the wall and everything is starting to get fuzzy  
She can faintly register hearing the door getting kicked in and the weight leaving her back before she slumps over. The last thing she sees are concerned green eyes staring at her while the owners mouth is moving but she can't make out any words. She herself only let one escape before blacking out

"Lexa?"  
***  
When she’s able to open her eyes again, they immediately close again to escape the harsh fluorescent light. Her head is pounding and there’s a constant beeping that’s not helping. She tries to open her eyes again to take in the unfamiliar surroundings. She notices the tubes coming out of her arms and the faint smell of antiseptic. She shifts and lets out a groan from the burning sensation she feels in her legs. 

A soft “Clarke?” comes from the other side of the room. Her groan had alerted her consciousness to the unidentified person. She slowly turns her head and takes in the person that is standing from the armchair. Messy curls from sleeping in a funny position are pushed out of their face and green eyes meet hers.

She furrows her brows “Lexa? What...what is...what are you doing here? What am I doing here? Where is here?”

Before she receives any answers, there’s a soft knock on the door and a man who must be her doctor walks in.

“Good evening Ms. Griffin, I’m Dr. Jackson. If you don’t mind I’m just going to have a look at your stitches and check your pupils and response times. Is that okay?’

She only responds with a small nod, which causes the pain in her to spike and she grimaces.

The doctor moves toward the bed and lifts the sheet, exposing her legs. The cool hospital air stings her freshly scarred skin. She looks down and takes in her marred skin. Memories from the morning flash in her mind and she starts to shake, trying to get out of the bed.

“Wh-..Where’s Finn?”

“Mr. Collins is currently in custody at the police station” Dr. Jackson calmly says as he presses her back down and shines a light in her eyes.

This information only worsens her panic and she rips the I.V. from her arm.

“NO, oh no no no, he shouldn’t be there. He’s going to be mad. This is my fault. I have to go!”

“Ms. Griffin, you are in no condition to leave, you haven’t been properly examined, I need you to calm down.” He calls a nurse into the room to help hold her down.

“No, I have to go and tell him I’m sorry! I overslept, it’s my fault, it wouldn’t have happened if I remembered my alarm.” she tries to get up again when Lexa comes up next to her.

“Clarke, listen to me. This is not your fault, okay? This is not your fault. Just let the doctor finish the tests and you can go.”

“I can go?” she directs this to her doctor.

He looks hesitant in his response, “I would like to keep you here another night for observation, but if the rest of the examination goes smoothly I can’t keep you here.”

This seems to settle her fears a little and she relents to the rest of the exam.

As Dr. Jackson finishes re-bandaging her legs two police officers enter the room. She stiffens immediately and her breathing becomes ragged.

“Good evening Ms. Griffin would you mind answering a few questions for us?”

She simply nods trying to come up with answers to the questions she knows they will ask her.   
“Are you able to tell us what led to the injuries you sustained?”

“I was washing dishes when one slipped and fell on the ground. When I went to clean it up I tripped and landed on the broken glass. It was all an accident. Finn did not do anything.”

“Over the past month we have received sixteen reports about sounds of distress coming from your apartment, a Mr. Collins has explained every incident but we would like your account of these events.”

Sixteen? It couldn’t have been that many, could it? Things had seemed to have been getting better. How was she going to explain? What had Finn said? 

“Um..we watch a lot of drama shows…”

“Ms. Griffin, if there is something going on at home we can help you but we can’t do anything if you do not tell us.” 

“Nothing is happening, I just want to go home.”

“Based on the state you were found and witness statements, there is currently an open investigation and your apartment is being processed. Do you have somewhere to stay tonight? A relative we could call from you?”

She couldn’t go home? She didn’t have anywhere else to go. She didn’t know anyone here. Finn said people wouldn’t like her, she couldn’t trust anyone but him. She is broken out of her thoughts when Lexa speaks again.

“She’s staying with me.”

The police seemed satisfied with that and after telling her to call if she had any information they left her room. Shortly followed by the nurse and Dr. Jackson.

She turned her attention to Lexa- “Why?”

She shrugged trying to show indifference but her eyes betrayed her, giving off worry, concern and..anger?

“You need a place to stay, I have an extra bedroom. Simple.”  
“But why, we’re not friends.”

“You may not be my friend Clarke, but I’m yours and I’m here for you.” Lexa looks like she wants to reach out to touch her but decides against it. “Come on let’s get you dressed and go home.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't an instant recovery. It takes time to get there, but with the right support it's less of a struggle.

“Where do you think you're going?”

She turns to see Lexa looking at her quizzically, the door to her apartment already open.

"Home"

"When I said “let's go home” I meant my home not your home"

"I thought you just said that for the police, I can't go in there with you, I have to be home when Finn gets back and make sure everything is put together."

"Clarke you heard the officer you can't stay there right now and he won’t be back for a bit, so come on I'll make something for us to eat."

But she's not listening to Lexa. She's opening her apartment door and walking in like nothing happened. Except this time there's visible evidence and it's one of the first thing she sees. The glass is still scattered on the floor but it's coated red. Blood. Her blood. The ache in her legs grows as she remembers and she becomes unsteady. She slides down to the ground trying to collect herself when she sees a hole in the wall. She subconsciously brings her hand to the side of her head and feels where a new bump resides. Everything is hitting her all at once. The throb of her head, the ache in her abdomen, the stinging of her legs, and confusing thoughts. 

He's never hurt her this much before, but it's not like it was uncalled for right? She overslept and everything was messy. He loved her and she kept disappointing him. So why was he at the police station? Why had someone called sixteen times? She thought she had been quiet enough. That was only going to make it worse. Her mind went to all the ways she could be punished knowing it was going to be far worse but she deserved it. 

She didn't realize she had started shaking until someone's hands grabbed on to her shoulders and her body flinched. Realizing she had reacted to touch had her panicking and she shifted into her straight back position and started to disassociate.

But those were not his hands on her and that was not his voice trying to calm her down. She looked up and found those worry filled eyes looking back at her. Lexa. Why was she still here?

"Clarke? Hey hey look at me okay? Deep breaths, breath with me." Lexa’s voice is calm and she finds one of her hands being placed on the other girls chest. She can feel the even breathing and tries to focus on it. She can also feel the rapid heart beat betraying the calm exterior of the girl. Her breathing starts to return to normal after a few minutes and panic turns into drowsiness.

"Good, great, I'm going to help you up now and then we are going to walk to my place and get some food before you go to sleep alright?"

She doesn't have the energy to object so she nods and starts to stand. Like she said Lexa helps her get her balance but once she's stable she shrugs the other girl off and heads to the door.

Once inside she watches Lexa go to the fridge. She spares a glance around the apartment which is set up similarly to hers only flipped and with an extra bedroom, before sitting on the couch. 

"Alright, I have leftover Chinese or what looks like enchiladas but I don't remember having those. So what’ll it be?"

She doesn't respond because she couldn't think about food right now. Not with everything going on and how tired she was.

"Ookay I'll just heat both up and we'll have a little potluck of sorts."

She didn't realize how hungry she truly was until the smell of the food hit her senses. Lexa walked over with two plates piled up with fried chicken and rice and enchiladas. As soon as the plate was on her lap her hunger took over and she was shoveling food into her mouth.

"Woah easy there, don't want you choking and having to go back to the hospital. The food will still be there if you slow down. When's the last time you ate something? You were out all afternoon."

She glares at the girl but still slows her pace marginally. Then she pauses to think about the last time she ate. She knows it wasn't that day because she overslept and didn’t make breakfast. She didn’t have dinner the night before because she wasn’t allowed and she hadn't had lunch because she wanted to make sure the house was together. Did she have breakfast the day before? She honestly couldn't remember. So she just gives a non-committal shrug and goes back to stuffing her face with the multicultural meal.

When they're finished eating she tries to take care of the dishes but Lexa shakes her head and tells her to go get ready for bed. She wants to protest but it's getting harder and harder to keep her eyes open. She finds a bag of her things on the guest bed and wonders when Lexa had the time to get it. She brushes her teeth and strips to change into her sleepwear. Before she puts on her shirt she stares at her reflection in the full length mirror that hangs on the door. 

She notes that most of the bruises and scars on her abdomen are starting to fade while a few new ones take their place. Her ribs are a little more prominent than usual but that means her weight will be more to his liking. She looks down at her legs. Her knees are swollen and an angry red color. The cuts start there and travel down her shins. She counts over twenty neatly stitched lines and remembers the cream she's supposed to apply. Her gaze finally lifts and lands on her face. Her eyes look sullen and the dark circles surrounding them make it look like she was in a fight. There's a small cut on her forehead but other than that her face came out unscathed. She notes the faded finger prints on her neck before turning away from the mirror and finishing getting ready. 

She's already asleep by the time her head hits the pillow and doesn't wake until her alarm goes off. She makes the bed before going to the kitchen to see what she can make them for breakfast.

By the time Lexa comes into the kitchen there is a large stack of pancakes on the table.

"Wow, you found everything needed to make pancakes here? Who knew I had other options besides burnt eggs or cereal for breakfast"

She tensely watches Lexa take a bite and after hearing a satisfied moan she relaxes and starts to eat her own.

"You know you didn't have to make me food. Really it should be me that made you something, although breakfast foods aren't really my strong suit."

"I did, you let me stay here last night and gave me dinner. I owe you."

"You don't owe me anything. I told you I'm your friend and friends do things for each other, there's no score sheet."

She doesn't believe what she hears though. He told her people will always want something from her. That she has to please them to keep them happy or they will punish her but they don't love her like him. She can't trust other people.

"So Dr Jackson gave me the information for a psychologist yesterday. He said it would probably be beneficial for you to talk to someone. Also we need to bandage your legs so they don't become infected."

She scrunches her eyebrows together. Talk to someone, why would she need to talk to someone?

"I don't need to talk to anyone except Finn. Have you heard when he will be home? I need to finish cleaning" 

"Finn is still at the police station it will be awhile before he's out and you're still not allowed to be in your apartment."

"I have to be in there so I can clean it"

"I don't think that's a good idea, considering what happened last night. Why don't you look into the psychologist and I'll find a cleaner for you but they can't go in until the cops give the okay, alright?"

"No I have to be the one to clean it and I am not going to bother looking into anyone when I don't need it."

She's had enough of this conversation. She stands and leaves to change. She grabs her purse and starts to walk towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"To see Finn"

"At least let me drive you?"

She really wants to say no but she knows this will start a back and forth she doesn't have time for. So she mumbles out an okay and hands Lexa her keys.

“Where are we going? The police station is on the other side of town.”

“We’re just making a quick stop first before we go.”

She scoffs, that’s ridiculous. It’s her car and it was her idea to go out. She shouldn’t have agreed to let Lexa come. She looks up when the car turns into a the parking lot of a large building complex. She sees the sign on the front window and instantly is overcome with anger.

“I said I wasn’t going to talk to anyone! Did you even listen to me? Why are we here?”

“It was part of the conditions of your early hospital release. I wanted to see if you would come willingly at first, but you have to go.”

“This is ridiculous! Why are people so hell bent on getting me to talk? What do you expect me to say?!”

“That he hurts you!”

“He loves me!”

“That is not love Clarke.”

“You wouldn't know anything about it. I'm not going in there.”

“Well you are not going to see him right now and seeing as I have the keys you're stuck here.”

“You can't make me go in there. I have nothing to say.”

“The least you could do is listen to what they have to say then and afterwards I'll take you to the station.”

She mulls over her options- walk to the nearest bus stop and hope it goes close to where she needs to be, try and fight Lexa for the keys (she may eat junk but she looks like she could hold her own) or pretend listen to some crackpots spiel and then be driven to the station. Ugh she knew it was a mistake to let Lexa drive. Why can't Lexa understand that she needs to see Finn? That the longer she goes without seeing him the worse it will be. She chalks it up to her earlier statement of lexa not understanding love. 

She decides the third option is safest and just hopes it's also the fastest.

"Fine I will listen to what they have to say, then we are going to the station and after I am going home."

“Thank you, I’ll be right outside if you need anything”

“Don’t hold your breath.”

She’s more annoyed than anything. Annoyed that Lexa tricked her. Annoyed that she has to go in there and listen to someone tell her they know what is right for her. However, she is most annoyed by the situation and the thoughts she keeps trying to push down.

She doesn’t have to wait long before her name is being called. She doesn’t know how they knew she was coming, probably Lexa. She’d have to talk to her about boundaries. A woman who introduced herself as Niylah ushers her to what she assumes is her office. She hasn’t said anything- she didn’t introduce herself, because why did she need to, they already knew her apparently- she just walks in and silently sits down in one of the available chairs.

“I understand you were reluctant to come here today but I’m glad you made the decision.”

She rolls her eyes at that, “Didn’t have much of a choice if I’m being honest.”

“Well I prefer you to always be honest here. I will tell you no progress can be made without, only you know what goes on at home and in your head. No one is going to force you into something you do not want, everything has to be on your terms Clarke. I would like for you to try this first session though before you decide anything.”

She was forced to come here wasn’t she? It’s not like this was going to change anything, she would sit here for the hour and then she’d be able to see him.

“Well I don’t think my driver will let me leave before the hour is up so I’m all yours doc. Give me your spiel so I can say I listened.”

“Everyone is different so there is no delegated “spiel” I’m afraid. I would however like to ask a few baseline questions if you don’t mind.”

She instantly freezes. That was not part of the deal. She was supposed to just sit here and listen, not talk.

Sensing her hesitation, Niylah puts her hands up “nothing personal, I simply want to know your standing on a few issues.”

She really doesn’t want to but how would she get out of this? She can answer a few questions so she nods her head.

“Okay, let’s start off with this, do you have any pets?”

Pets? What does that have to do with anything? Not wanting her confusion known she shakes her head.

“Let’s say you did. You have a dog and they shred on of your nice pillows, you would obviously be upset. The question is, do you hit the dog to punish them?”  
“No”

“Why not?”

“That’s inhumane, animal cruelty, they don’t know any better.”

“Okay, now let’s say you have a child and they don’t pick up their toys, do you hit them to teach them a lesson?”

“Of course not!”

“Why not, they know the rules”

“Because that’s abuse! I would never hit my child.”

“Would you let Finn hit your child if they misbehaved?”

This question took her off guard. This wasn’t about him. These were hypotheticals. But hypothetically if they had a child would he hit them too or is it only her because she needs to learn. She wouldn’t let him though, she has to believe he wouldn’t.

“No” It comes out a lot weaker than her other answers. Her uncertainty is clearly evident to Niylah as she writes something on her note pad.

“Why?”

“It’s not right, they don’t deserve it.” Her mind is racing now, all of her repressed thoughts suddenly bursting through the surface and she almost misses the next question. She wishes she had.

“Okay, so tell me Clarke, if you truly believe what you just told me then why is it okay for him to hit you? Something other than you deserve it, because on some level we both know that is not true.”

What is happening? Everything was fuzzy and her breathing was getting heavier. She didn’t understand. Why did she feel like this? She did deserve it, she didn’t follow the rules, she messed up, so why was she questioning it?

“I-...”

“I don’t need an answer right now, I want you to think about what we discussed, about your opinions and why think you have to be the exception. I would also like you to consider scheduling more appointments with me, but only if you are comfortable.”

She doesn’t respond. She can’t. This is too much. She needs air. She needs to leave.

Sensing her discomfort, Niylah opens the door and stands off to the side.

“We can be done early, take a few days to process before you jump into anything. I would advise not putting yourself in emotional or stressful situations until then. Your friend has my number if you want to contact me. You are in charge now Clarke.”

She’s barely listening, her body moves on its own as she stands and leaves the office. She reaches her car and wordlessly buckles herself in and stares out the window, not fully registering anything. She doesn’t here Lexa speak to her, but it must not have been important as the radio is turned on and they leave the complex. She doesn’t pay attention to where they go, only noticing they’ve arrived when the driver side door is shut. She looks up and sees they’re back at the apartment building. She doesn’t protest about her promise or make any effort to return to her own. Instead she stands behind Lexa as she opens the door and then goes to her temporary room, closes the door and collapses on the bed.

She doesn’t realize she fell asleep until she’s awoken by a knock on the door. Lexa walks in with a tray of food and she sits up as it’s placed on the bedside table.

“Your bandages need to be changed, you didn’t do it this morning” Lexa says and she motions towards the clean gauze and tap that also sit on the tray. “May I?”

She just stares at Lexa, trying to figure out her angle. What could she want from her? Deciding she’s to drained to argue or do it herself she gives her a nod.

Lexa places the tray on her lap before grabbing the material. She starts to eat the sandwich in front of her as she watches Lexa carefully roll up her pants and take off the dirty wraps. Next a cloth is gently cleaning around the stitching and medicine is being applied to the cuts. All of the actions are exact and careful. Once the new bandages are on Lexa stands and takes the used wraps and empty tray.

“There’s advil and water on the side table if you need it, I have go into work for a few hours. If you text me what you want for dinner I can pick it up on my way back or if you think of anything else you need.”

“I can’t”

“You can’t what? Can’t pick something to eat? That’s fine I can just stop somewhere” Lexa is on her way out the door when she turns around. “I don’t know how I expect you to contact me if you don’t have my number, here hand me your phone and I’ll put it in.” 

“I-..no that’s alright I’ll be fine”

“We should still have each others numbers for anything in the future.” Lexa’s hand is still held expectantly out in front of her. 

This is one of those times where her doubts are truly focused in the fore front of her mind and she can see some of the wrongs others must see. She doesn’t have a normal phone. She has a firefly that has Finn’s and the emergency departments numbers, nothing else. Since she wasn’t going to have friends he said this was the cheapest option and he bought her an i-pod touch for games and her daily things like a calendar, alarm and recipe apps. Sitting in front of Lexa and after her session with Niylah, the controlling aspect of this action hits her. She was never allowed to call for anything, not for pizza, not her doctor, not her mom. He always said he’d take care of it..and he did. She now saw the abnormalities of their relationship. Everything was hitting her at once, every redirect, every touch, every conversation was under analysis.

Lexa must have realized she had zoned out and leaves the room. When she returns, she has a pad of paper- “Um, I have to go now but I wrote my number down here if you think of anything.”

***  
She’s still sitting in the bed when Lexa returned a few hours later. She was pulled out of her stupor by the smell of food. She pulls herself out of bed and walks to the kitchen where Lexa was setting the plates on the table. She sits quietly across from Lexa. They eat the take out Lexa brought home without uttering a word to each other. Neither feels the need to break the silence first. For her she really didn't know what she'd say. She didn't know Lexa that well and she wasn't in the mood for small talk. She's glad it seems like Lexa feels the same way. 

When they're both done, she goes pick up both plates in order to wash them when Lexa does the same. They bump into each other and one of the plates falls to the floor breaking on impact. She's immediately on the ground in a ball with her hands over her head. Apologies are leaving her lips and she fights back tears.

A tentative hand is placed on her back and she flinches. When the hand starts rubbing circles over her shoulder blade instead of striking, she hesitantly opens her eyes. 

Lexa is looking at her with the same concern in those green eyes as the morning she blacked out. She looks away, not wanting to display her emotions. She registers the sound of humming and she finds that accompanied by the soft touch soothing her out of her confined state.

"I'm not going to hurt you. It was an accident. Even if it hasn't I wouldn't. If anything you did me a favor, those plates are hideous. My cousin bought them for me at a flea market. She said they reminded her of me, which I took great offense to"

She listens to Lexa talk more her cousin and the ugly plates and her breathing starts to even out. When she feels like she is able to get up, she stands but leans against a chair.

"I'm sorry"

"No need, like I said no big deal. I was never a fan and it can easily be replaced. Did you get enough to eat?"

She doesn't understand how Lexa brushes it off so easily. She broke something and it's still lying on the ground. She remembers she was asked a question and nods.

"Great! Do you feel like watching a movie? You can go pick one out while I get this cleaned up."

She thinks this is a test. It has to be. She made a mess, she had to clean it up. When she looks at Lexa’s face she doesn't see any malice or challenge. She relents but still is cautious when retreating to the living room.

When Lexa joins her she is sitting stiffly on the couch and hasn't looked at the movies. She didn’t want to go through the other girls things even if she was given permission.

"Did you not find anything? I know action isn't everyone's cup of tea but surely you're into Disney."

She is. Or she thinks she still is. She can't remember the last time she watched one? He doesn't like them, always said they were to childish and delusional. 

"Do you like princess and the frog? I always try to imagine what the food tastes like."

"I haven't seen it. "

"What?! Okay well we're about to fix that, prepare to fall in love with an alligator and a firefly."

She enjoys the movie and it helps relieve some of the heaviness she’s been feeling. They go to bed after it’s over, but her sleep is restless and filled with nightmares.

Lexa knocks on her door around ten a.m. the next morning and brings her a cup of coffee and a protein bar and sits on the end of the bed.

“It’s no stack of pancakes, but it would have been a pile of ash if I had attempted that. I’m have to go take care of a few things but I won’t be gone long. You have my number now so if you need something just give me a ring.” 

“I can't call you”

“Oh come on I'm not that bad.”

She pulls out her phone, now ashamed of it and herself more than anything. Lexa takes one look at it before she's up and out of the room. She thinks she's done something wrong but she doesn't know what. She’s thinking of how to make up for it when Lexa returns, holding something in her hand.

"It's a little glitchy and the battery is shit but it'll work until we get you one of your own. I already called to activate it so it works as well as it can." Lexa says as she holds out a worn out iPhone to her. 

“I can’t take that.” she can’t, she didn’t earn it and he didn’t give it to her. She would never be able to repay Lexa for something like this. She still didn’t know why Lexa was offering it, why she was being so kind to her when she wasn’t doing the same. She was really just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“It’s no big deal, it was just sitting in a drawer collecting dust. It’s better to be able to contact each other so this works out for both of us. My number is three on the speed dial, I’ll be back once I’m done with everything.”

Lexa leaves removing all room for arguing further. She looks at the device in her hands. She had one before she met him, but it broke after they were together for a year and that’s when he bought her the phone she has now. 

Alone in the apartment with nothing to occupy herself with except for her thoughts is not a good combination. She still had no idea what to make of what is going on. There are so many new factors to consider and so many old ones to reevaluate. 

She goes through the kitchen cabinets after talking herself into it and finds what she was hoping for. A bottle of vodka that would hopefully take away all of her thoughts for the time being. And after she downs half of it, she finally feels that familiar numbness she’s grown accustomed to relying on after a particularly harsh punishment. She sits on the ground staring at the phone that sits between her legs, contemplating what to do with it. She feels like she’s living in a place of in between, where everything she knows or thinks she knows is being questioned and she has to figure out the truth. Only how is she supposed to do that if she doesn’t know who to believe? She’s pulled from her thoughts by a knock on the front door. It surely wasn’t Lexa since she had a key and she hadn’t mentioned expecting anyone, but maybe she just forgot. Not knowing if she should answer it gives the person on the other side another opportunity to knock. This time it’s more forceful and accompanied by a voice that has her feel sober instantly. 

“Clarke open up, I know you’re in there”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty choppy, but it's a bridge chapter. Thank you for reading. x

What was he doing here? How did he know she was here? Wait, this is a good thing right? She had wanted to see him, she had wanted to go home. So why was she feeling so sick at the thought of opening the door. Had she changed her mind? He loved her, no one else did, she should be with him. So why can’t she open the door? She suddenly lost the ability to speak, all words getting caught in the back of her throat. She wouldn’t know what to say anyway. She could only hope he would think no one was there and leave, then after she knew what to say she would be fine and could talk to him. 

After a few minutes he knocked again. “Clarke, the doorman said you haven’t left today so I know you’re there. It’s time to come home.”

Another burst of knocks and then she heard hurried footsteps coming down the hall.

“What are you doing here Finn?” The usually calm voice now sounds cold and threatening.

“I live here too you know. Better question is- why is MY girlfriend in YOUR apartment.”

“She needed a place to stay after you made a mess of yours.”

“Well I’m back now, no thanks to you, so she’s coming with me.”

“She isn’t going anywhere with you.”

“You have no right to tell me what she is or isn’t doing. Now open your damn door so I can get her”

“She isn’t something you can take and you are not going to lay a hand on her again.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about I love her!”

“What I walked in on the other morning tells a different story.”

“She slipped and fell, that’s all”

“Oh really? is that why i had to rip you off of her?”

“I was trying to help her up before you barged through our door!”

“I’m not listening to this, just leave Finn.”

“Not without Clarke!”

She hears scuffling outside the door accompanied by a few grunts then the thud of something heavy landing on the ground. Had he hit Lexa? Why had he told her she fell on the glass? Why did Lexa not open the door, she was only causing more trouble and for what? Her? Suddenly she hears the jangle of keys and the door unlocking. Did he take Lexa’s keys to come get her? The thought makes her want to be sick and she starts shaking, rocking back on the balls of her feet, arms wrapped around her knees. She clenches her eyes shut to try and block out the impending onslaught once he’s inside.

The door opens and she hears the lock click in place once it’s shut again. 

“Clarke?”

That’s not his voice. This is the voice that has calmed her down so many times the past few days. Lexa.

“It’s me Lexa. I’m not going to touch you unless you want me to, but I want you to listen to my breathing okay?”

She tries her best to listen to Lexa’s steady breaths but her head is so fogged in she can’t focus enough and her breathing is only getting worse. She let’s go of one knee and blindly reaches out. A knowing hand takes hers and she feels it pressed against a rising and falling chest while a thumb rubs circles on the back of it. 

“That’s it, breath with me. Focus on the feeling of my heartbeat and listen to my voice, you’re doing great Clarke.”

Slowly her breaths become less ragged and she stops rocking. When she finally opens her eyes and sees Lexa, another wave of calm washes over her. Usually if someone stares at her too long she gets nervous, so she finds herself confused as to why this is different, especially since the other girl has seen her at so many low points. But maybe that’s why, there isn’t much left to be revealed. 

She takes in the appearance of the girl in front of her, yoga pants and a loose flowing shirt. She sports a braid that doesn’t leave a hair out of place. How is that possible, she heard her fight with Finn didn’t she? So how does she look so put together?

With a tentative voice she voices her question but it only comes out as one word. “Finn?”

“He’ll be out for a bit and then he’ll be greeted by the buildings security.”

“Why did you stop him coming to get me?”

“It’s not up to him what you do, he’s not allowed to make you do anything.”

“Yes he is.”

“You are your own person Clarke, you control what you do and make your own decisions.”

“But I don’t”

“But you can. What do you want to do Clarke?”

She thinks about it, she really doesn’t know. She feels like she should go home but does she want to? She doesn’t fully know the answer to that either.

“I don’t know.”

“That’s alright, in the meantime how about we have some icecream and watch something yeah?”

She nods and it’s then she realizes her hand is still encompassed by Lexa’s on the latter's chest. She retracts her hand and ducks her head to hide her embarrassment when she sees the mostly empty vodka bottle. 

“I’m- I’m so sorry, I just-” She stammers out, unsure of how Lexa will react. She watches as the other girl's eyes drift to the bottle and a few emotions pass through her eyes but they’re quickly replaced by a knowing look and a small smirk.

“Ah I see, starting the party without me were you? You wound me. At least you have good taste, come on we should probably get some real sustenance in you to absorb that before piling ice-cream on top of it.” 

Lexa helps her up and when she’s on her feet she winces at the sting of her legs. She looks down and notices the deep red stain on the knees of her jeans. To add to her current discomfort her new position unsettles her stomach and she clutches it as she stumbles to the bathroom.

Her hair is held back as she empties every last drop of the alcohol in her.

“Just thinking about being my friend makes you sick huh? What is it my undeniable charm or my lack of cooking abilities that turns you away? Oh and on that note, I think we’ll just stick with crackers now after that. ” 

She just catches the mock face of disgust on Lexa’s face when she sits back from her crouched position. She thought she would be embarrassed by Lexa yet again helping her and seeing her in such a state, but she actually finds herself smiling at the comment.

“Oh it’s definitely the fact that the past week I’ve only had take-out and sandwiches unless I was able to find something in your empty cupboards to make. Seriously how do you eat like that and look like this” 

“God gifted me with a fantastic metabolism and I do not intend to waste it. Now come on let’s check to make sure none of your stitches broke and get you cleaned up and nourished.”

***

She wakes with a start drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. Her head aches and it takes her a moment to get her bearings. The door opens suddenly and a wide eyed, sleep tousled Lexa rushes into the room, looking around quickly before settling eyes on her. Her scream not only woke her up but Lexa as well.

“I’m sorry, you can go back to bed. I’m fine. It was just a dream. Sorry for waking you up. It was just a dream.”

“Do you want some tea?”

“I’m fine really it was just a dream.”

“Well I’m having some tea, you’re free to join me if you’d like.”

Not really wanting to go back to sleep, afraid she’d fall right back into her nightmare she follows Lexa to the kitchen. She watches as the other girl pulls out the kettle and starts to boil the water. Once it’s done, a cup is set in front of her and Lexa sits in the chair opposite her. The apartment is quiet, not even the bustling city is awake at this hour. 

She sits there slowly drinking the warm liquid but it isn’t enough to get the images out of her head. She’s had nightmares almost every night and they all have to do with him. Why is someone that loved her causing her nightmares? She’s had so many questions over the last few days and not enough answers and she’s growing tired of it. 

“I think I want to go talk to Niylah again.”

If Lexa is surprised by her sudden admission she doesn’t show it, she just looks up with a soft smile- “That might help. I put the number to her office in your phone in case you ever wanted to.”

At the mention of the phone, which she refuses to acknowledge, she shies away from Lexa’s gaze. 

“You haven’t used it for anything have you? I told you, it’s yours I’m not taking it back. If it would make you more comfortable we can go to the store so you can pick a different one out.”

She likes the idea of having a normal phone but having Lexa’s feels too much likes she constantly owes her. No matter how many times she’s told otherwise. On the other hand she doesn’t think she could afford one on her own. The money she had saved up is now in a joint account with Finn and she doubts he’d approve of her spending it on a phone. 

“Thank you”

“No problem, like I said before it wasn’t being used so it’s not like I’ll miss it. Let me know when you call and I’ll make sure I can go.”

“Oh, no you don’t have to”

“I may not have to but I want to, I can just be your chauffeur, I won’t even go in the building if you don’t want me to.”

It would be nice not having to go alone and the thought already eases some anxiety. “Okay, thank you.”

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, you're my friend remember? Oh and by the way I can totally tell I’m growing on you, just you wait, you'll think we're friends one day Clarke, I swear it! Now I think it would be best to try and get a bit more sleep before the suns up, what do you say?”

She nods and they walk down the hall to their respective bedrooms, pausing outside hers.

“Goodnight Clarke”

She looks into the room and then back at Lexa she really doesn’t think she’ll be able to fall asleep again- especially if she’s alone.

“Do you-..um yeah good night Lexa, thanks for the tea.”

It seems Lexa can read her mind though and walks past her into the room, taking a seat in the desk chair. She’s grateful she didn’t have to ask but feels guilty for making Lexa lose more sleep. She also knows how uncomfortable the chair is but she would never be able to shut her mind off and sleep if she offered the other side of the bed for the time being. This just increases her guilt and she’s just about given up on getting back to sleep.

“It’s fine Clarke, after you fall asleep I’ll go back to my room”

Except Lexa never left so when she wakes again it’s to the sight of the other girl sleeping with her head rested in the hand of a bent arm. Her neck aches just looking at the position. She get’s up and makes omelettes as an apology and a thank you for the night before. She doesn’t understand why Lexa is doing so much for her and most of it without being asked. Not to add the fact that she wasn’t asked of or expected to do anything in return. She doesn’t know what to make of it so for know she’s just going to show her gratefulness by showing Lexa what real food is.

****  
“I’m glad you decided to come back. I know you were hesitant at first, what led you to your final decision?”

She was sitting in Niylah's’ office, having made an appointment for the week after telling Lexa she wanted to go back. She was still feeling uneasy with all of her swirling thoughts after Finn came by, but he hadn’t come back since. While she was relieved he didn’t this just added to her confusion. It had been almost a week since he tried to see her, did he not love her anymore?

“I want answers. Everything is so confusing right now I don’t know what or who to believe anymore.”

“What do you want answers to?”

“I-..ugh..I don’t know! I want to know why I’m so confused. Why I’m living with neighbor. Why everyone says something is wrong and if it’s so wrong does he hit me?”

“I can’t directly answer those for you, but I can help you figure it out. Is it alright if we go from the beginning? That will help piece things together. For example when did you meet him?”

“It was right after I moved here, I had paid for all of my things to be delivered but I didn’t know I had to pay for the labor as well. So there I was on the sidewalk surrounded by boxes and furniture and not knowing anyone when he walked by and asked if I needed help.”

“How long ago was that?”

“A little over two years ago.”

“Why did you move here?”

“I wasn’t happy. There was too much pressure to be someone I didn’t want to be and I couldn’t handle it. I needed to get away and what’s more away than the other side of the country.”

“And are you happy here? Were you able to be someone you wanted to be?”

“I was- or I thought I was, I don’t know. I don’t know how to determine happiness I guess.”

Which is true, the whole experience was riding on spontaneity and wanting to be free of other people making decisions for her. She can’t remember the last time she was truly happy. She thought it was when they first got together but that could just be the thrill of a new relationship in a new city, not genuine self happiness. She thinks about the feeling she had when Lexa caused her to smile. Was that happiness? No that must be something else. She was happy, she had someone that loved her and love and happiness go together don’t they? She didn’t come here for love though, it just happened. It takes her a moment of processing to answer the other question, this time her voice is barely above a whisper.

“I wanted to be an artist.”

“An artist? This is the perfect city for aspiring artists, do you not still want to be one? Why did you stop?”

Did she still want to be one? She knew deep down she wanted to but she wasn’t good enough. It isn’t practical, especially if she’s mediocre at best. She had to think of her future, of their future. 

“It’s not practical.”

“Practicality is a limited term, it confines things to one way of thinking. The beauty about art is, it breaks those barriers and allows you to see beyond the straight and narrow. How we express things varies in different mediums- actions, words, music, imagery and if you have the ability to move people through art you should follow make your own path.”

“I’m not good enough.”

“Have you ever submitted a piece somewhere?”

“No”

“Then why do you not think you’re good?”

Because he told her she wasn’t.  
“I just know I’m not”

“We are always our harshest critic, that does not mean you aren’t good enough. Do you still paint?”

“No”

“I would like you to consider starting again. It seemed to be something you enjoyed enough to move and beyond that, it is a great outlet for repressed emotions. If you don’t think it’s a good idea you don’t have to, I simply believe it could be beneficial for you and it may help lessen your confusion.”

She was told it was a waste of time, that she was selling herself short and now it was supposed be good for her? How does that make sense? She remembers how she used to get lost in colors for hours on end and how she would feel lighter afterwards. Would it be the same now? What if he found out though, he would be mad that she had done something he told her not to. But all she had right now was time staying at Lexa’s and that time was driving her insane. He doesn’t have to find out necessarily, it couldn’t hurt to try and someone was telling her to do it. It’s not like she is purposefully going against him, Niylah is a professional, she can’t disregard that. She was asked to consider it, so that’s the least she could do. Her train of thought distracts her until she hers the chime of the timer, signalling the end of the session. 

“It looks like we are done for the day. If you would be comfortable with it, I would like to meet at least twice a week for the time being. I also believe your current living situation should stay in place, but like I said before this is all up to you, Clarke. We go at your pace.”

Why do these sessions render her speechless? She’s only able to mumble a quiet “okay” and nod to two time slots for the next week before she is dragging herself out of there.

She makes it to the car and the ride back is the same as last time, she doesn’t speak and Lexa listens to the radio. She’s grateful Lexa drove because she doesn’t think she’d have the energy or focus to get home safely. 

When they get back she goes and collapses on the bed. A few minutes later, Lexa comes in with food and a computer. She gingerly eats the sandwich and watches Lexa sit at the end of the bed and works on the laptop. She thought she wanted to be alone, but having another presence in the room is actually calming and keeping her grounded. After she finished eating, she slowly drifts off the sleep where she’s met by a jumble of images she can’t make out. 

She wakes around five thirty and she feels restless. Maybe stir crazy was more appropriate. She has been at Lexa’s for about two weeks and the only time she left was to go to her appointments with Niylah. Before she would get out at least once a day, whether it was to the grocery store or the laundromat so she wasn't bottled up in her apartment. She walks out of the room and finds Lexa setting plates down on the table.

“Dinner madame, a combination of ground berries, blended nuts and baked wheat. Only the best for you.”

“Don’t tell me you just tried to upgrade a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

“I’ll have you know my pbj’s are the best you’ll ever taste”

“The only difference between them is the type of fruit or the crunchy or smooth peanut butter. Other than that it’s just a pb&j.”

“Just a- oh I see how it is, well we don’t want your ungrateful pbj hating self anywhere near us!” Lexa scoffs and sticks her tongue out at her.

“Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend your almighty sandwich making skills. Maybe we can go to the store tomorrow though to expand our meal options.”

“I promise I know how to make actual meals, I’m just lazy. It would probably be a good idea to go, you’re right. First thing tomorrow morning we’re off.”  
****  
The next day the two of them are walking down aisle after aisle, Lexa pushing the cart as she loads it. She was staring at the deli counter trying to figure out what to make for dinner. She would ask Lexa but she was sure that the other girl wouldn’t be able to name something that didn’t come in styrofoam or sandwich form. That and said girl was currently off grabbing a few things of her own she needed.

“Hey princess”

She freezes. What was he doing here? He never shopped for groceries, it wasn’t something a taken man should have to do. But she hasn’t been home to do it so of course he would have to. Why did it have to be today? Why did it have to be now? She turns around slowly and takes in her surroundings looking for Lexa, but the other girl is nowhere to be seen. That time is all it takes for him to bridge the gap between them.

“You can quit playing this little game of yours, it isn’t funny anymore. It’s time for you to come home.”

He has one hand on her wrist and when she tried to pull away it tighten painfully around it.

“Now now, we don’t want to cause a scene. I’ve missed you love. Let’s go home and celebrate, it’s been too long since I’ve had a proper release.” He gives her that confident smirk she first fell for, but now sees the dangerous intensity in his eyes, and starts pulling her towards the exit.

“Is there a problem here?”

He stops them and they turn to see Lexa casually pushing the cart towards them, her eyes show a challenge, contrasting her demeanor.

“No, we we’re just going home.”

“Is that so? Is that what you want Clarke?”

“What she- no! You have no say in what we do in OUR relationship just because you played house for two weeks. Let’s go princess.”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you”

“What? Take my girlfriend home? That’s not against the law.”

“No, but what you do there is. Now let go of her before I call the cops. Or do you want me to put you in another choke hold?”

“We’re in public, you wouldn’t do anything.”

“Wanna try me? I don’t care what happens as long as she feels safe and that means you letting go by what ever means necessary.”

“This isn’t over, she will come back to me. I love her.” He spits out before releasing his grip on her and storming off.

She stands there rubbing her wrist too shocked and overwhelm to do anything or hear the soothing words spoken to her. In her daze she allows herself to be led; through the checkout, into the car, then up to the apartment. She only makes it as far as the kitchen table before she collapses into one of the chairs. Lexa continues in and out of the apartment bringing one load of groceries after another. She wants to occupy her mind for the time being so she starts to unload the bags. 

When she comes across one that’s not filled with food, her stomach drops. Tampons. When’s the last time she had her period? She runs to check her calendar and sure enough she was supposed to start last week. An all consuming sense of panic spreads through her body. She was never late. 

Lexa finds her in a ball on the ground, violent sobs racking her body.

“Clarke?! What happened? Are you hurt?”

“La- la- late”

“Late? What do you mea- oh. Alright let’s go, you’re going to sit in the car while I go get stuff okay? I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

Lexa basically carries her down to the car and straps her in. The car ride is silent, except for her muffled crying. She doesn’t even notice the car stop or Lexa get out, until she’s back with a bag in her lap and they’re driving again.

Lexa has to support most of her weight on the way up as well and they make their way to the bathroom. Lexa sits on the ground with her eyes shut and her head against the wall.

“No matter what, it’s going to be okay. We’ll take it step by step, you’re not alone.”

The five minute waiting period feels like an eternity as she sits on the floor next to Lexa. She could be pregnant. With his child. She should be happy, he loved her and they could have a family. Yet all of those thoughts were making her feel sick. This isn’t how it’s supposed to feel. She shouldn’t fear the thought that this could make her tied to him forever. Yet she did. So what did this mean. She didn’t hear the timer go off, only pulled out of her panic by Lexa standing infront of her.

“It’s negative.”

Negative. How that one word gave her so much relief she would never know, but there it was in blue on that godforsaken stick.

“I- I’m not?”

“Nope. It’s probably all of the stress you’ve been under that is causing you to be late, I heard it’s pretty common but doesn’t make it any less scary.”

She just stares at the stick and then at Lexa. The relief she feels also accompanied by an unknown feeling she always gets when she’s around the other girl. The girl who offered up her home to her, who calms her down after a panic attack or nightmare, who had offered to help her if it had turned out she was pregnant and never once judged her or treated her like a broken shell. A girl she finds so much comfort in yet when she thinks about it she knows next to nothing about. The amused look said girl is giving her says that she voiced that last thought out loud.

“While I will gladly answer any questions you ask, I would rather do it when I’m not currently holding a stick you peed on. Also I think it would be best if we move. Living here gives him constant access to you and until things are sorted out I don’t think that’s something you want. There are a lot of places around here, I’ve actually looked into a few. Unless you’re not comfortable with that. Maybe you don’t want to keep living with me or know someone else or-”

She grabs Lexa’s hand to stop the incessant rambling. It would probably do her well not having the constant knowledge that he was just a door over. 

“Okay” 

“Okay?”

“Okay, thank you”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a message on tumblr asking to include more about Lexa, so there are a few different things interspersed and hopefully it all flows right. Thanks for reading. x

The thought of moving seems to ease the vice that is always constricting her chest. She could be away from him and finally figure out what everything means. She wouldn’t have to worry about leaving the apartment or him coming over. He didn’t have to know where she was going and maybe when her mind was clearer she could talk to him. He said he wanted her to come back, that he loved her, but she needed to know if that was what she wanted. Did she love him? She really wasn’t sure what love was anymore.  
She knew she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep easily with her mind running the way it was so she decided to go turn watch a show to distract herself. As she made her way into the hallway she heard Lexa talking and assumed she was on the phone, although it was rather late for anyone to be calling.

“..I think I already found a place I just need you to help with the process with this...because that takes time...no nothing’s wrong with it...yes I know I said that and it’s still a nice place but...no...I don’t want to talk about it...can you just help me with this? I’d like it done as fast as possible...yes I’m fine...I promise...okay, thank you...I’ll talk to you soon” 

She didn’t mean to listen, but when she heard Lexa mention she found a place she was momentarily excited. All of that was replaced with guilt now. She didn’t even think of how this affected Lexa, she was so focused on leaving. Lexa didn’t need to move. Lexa was probably happy here and she was screwing it up. He was right, she was just a burden to everyone. She wasn’t going to be anymore though. She had to leave, it may be the middle of the night, but she didn’t want to take anything else from Lexa. She had been selfish, but she could fix it. He would take her back, no matter how bad she had been, it was the only place for her to go.

She went back to the bedroom and started gathering what little she had into a bag. She left the phone Lexa had given her on the nightstand, she had only used it once to call Niylah so Lexa should still be able to use it. Once she had everything she made her way to the front door. She looked down the hallway and thought about saying bye to Lexa, but she definitely would not be able to control her emotions if she did. She had just made it to the door when a noise behind her made her turn around. Standing in the kitchen entryway stood a very confused looking holding two mugs in front of her.

“Clarke? What are you doing? I heard you were up so I thought you’d like some tea”

God, why did Lexa have to make this harder on her? She didn’t want to be any more trouble, yet here she was again causing Lexa to stay up to take care of her. She steeled herself and held back any tears that threatened to form.

“I’m leaving.”

“Leaving? What are you talking about? Come on let’s go sit down”

“No! I’ve done enough damage. I have to go now. Thank you for letting me stay here and for everything else, I’ll make sure to pay you back when I can.”

“Okay, now I’m really confused. What damage? Why do you think you need to leave?”

“I’m ruining your life! Y-you didn’t ask for this and I’m.. you’re gonna resent me, so I have to go before-” the tears she was trying to quell were now falling steadily down her face. She was scared. Scared of going back to him. Scared of leaving a place where she felt safe. Scared of leaving Lexa which she didn’t fully understand. She was out of options and was already accepting her fate, preparing herself for the punishment she knew she’d soon endure. She crumpled around her bag as the sobs wracked through her body. 

“Hey, hey listen to me. You don’t have to go anywhere, not unless you want to. I like having you here, you’re not a burden.”

“B-but I’m making y-ou leave”

“That was my idea remember?”

“Because of me! You don’t need to go”

“I want to though, nothing is holding me here. Besides it’s not like we’re leaving the state or anything, nothing but the scenery will change for me and even then it’ll still be skyscrapers.”

“You don’t need me to do that, I’ve disrupted your life being here.”

“I wouldn’t call it that. When I first moved here I really didn’t want to live by myself, but even more so I did not want to live with a stranger. Too many horror movies about that. Having you here has been great, I’m not a fan of being alone and it helps that you’re great company.”

“All I’ve done is make you take care of me. I’m a mess.”

“Not true, you’ve made me some kickass pancakes, my take-out consumption has decreased significantly because the fridge is stocked, you watch crappy TV with me, I feel more comfortable having someone here and I know it’s because it’s you, you do a lot for me too Clarke.”

“I’m still a mess.”

“It’s okay not to be okay and to let other people help you. My mom always says, ‘it’s okay to break down, as long as you don’t unpack and live there’, sometimes we need other people to help carry our bags and again, that’s okay. If I’m being honest Clarke, you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You only see the times you crumble, but you’ve already accomplished so much.” 

“Yeah because I fall apart so much it’s hard not to. I don’t think I’ve accomplished anything.”

“The first few days you were here, you barely talked to me and now you mock my eating habits and start conversations. You decided you wanted to see Niylah again and even used the phone I gave you to do it which is saying something even if you haven’t used it again. You’re also eating more than you did before and I’ve even seen you smile more. Don’t diminish what you’ve done so far. Everyone falls apart, that only makes you human. No one thinks any less of you. You’re one of the strongest people I know and I own a gym”

She tried to take in everything Lexa was saying. They didn’t seem like big accomplishments to her but they were something. She still couldn’t help but think of all of her breakdowns though. He never liked when she cried so she learned to hold it in until she was alone. Yet she had sobbed so many times in front of Lexa in just two weeks and was being told she was strong for it. She didn’t feel strong, she felt conflicted and broken. She felt like crying, so she did and then she felt arms envelope her and the tears came faster.

She woke up in bed and saw Lexa sitting in a similar position in the desk chair as the last time. She grabbed some clothes and mindful not to wake up the other person in the room, crept out to the bathroom.

She examined herself in the mirror like she had when she first got here. Lexa was right, she was eating more, as evident by her ribs being less visible giving her a bittersweet feeling. She noted her legs, which sported dozens of raised purple lines, the stinging had stopped after the stitches came out but they still ached occasionally. The last thing she looked at was her face. The bags under her eyes were less prominent but she still had that hollow look, even if she could see a little life coming back to them. After she changed she thought about what she should do. Lexa had said she liked having her here, but how did she know it wasn’t a lie. So far she has no reason not to believe Lexa after everything that was done for her, but can she really trust the other girl. She doesn’t really want to think about, let alone do the alternative. She wasn’t ready to see him. She wasn’t honestly sure when or if she would be. 

She left the bathroom and stopped in the hallway when Lexa rushed out of the bedroom. She’s pretty sure she saw relief of the other girls face when Lexa spotted her.

“If it’s okay, I want to keep living with you. At least until I figure everything out.”

“You can stay as long as you’d like. Like I said I enjoy having you here. Do you want to maybe go out to breakfast? Then I can show you a place I saw the other day.”

“Yeah, okay that sounds nice.”

They decide on IHOP and are both sitting in opposite sides of the booth after ordering. She never feel uncomfortable when there’s a lull in conversation, but so far they’ve only talked about trivial things. She still doesn’t know anything about the girl sitting across from her.

“So you own a gym?”

“It’s more of a recreational center really, but most people call it a gym.”

“What lead you to doing that? You can’t be much older than I am and I wouldn’t know anything about opening or running a business.”

“Well I didn’t do it on my own. One of my friends here has always wanted to have his own gym, but he wanted a partner. We had always talked about doing something like it when we were younger so when he came around telling me he had the property and asked if I’d still consider working with him I said yes. So packed up, moved here, pitched him some of my ideas and it all expanded to what we have now.”

“It seems like everything worked out for you but weren’t you nervous? I mean you moved here and you didn’t have anything set other than a place.”

“I guess I never saw it like that. I had one of my best friends and a clean slate of opportunity. I didn’t have time to be nervous during the process because we we’re so busy getting everything together. I was probably nervous the first few opening weeks because it was make it or break it, but I honestly don’t remember.

Their food arrived after that and they settled back into a comfortable silence while eating their meals. She had other questions but one was making it’s way to the tip of her tongue more than the others. She wanted to know Lexa’s view on the subject to see if it would help her figure out her own.

“Have you ever been in love?”

“Yes”

“What did it feel like?”

“Hmmm, incredible. I don’t know if I could describe it.”

“Can you try?”

“Okay well, you always hear people say it’s like they can’t eat or sleep without them but that’s just the over exaggerated romanticized version. You can obviously eat, it’s kind of a basic need, you just wish they were there with you.” Lexa takes another bite of food and looks like she’s deep in thought before continuing  
“I sort of agree with the sleep bit. When you’re used to falling asleep next to someone it’s hard to when they aren’t there, but again, basic need so eventually you sleep but it may not be restful. You do think about them a lot and then you see little things while you’re out and you want to share it with them. You can’t help but smile at all of the all of the little faces they make. No silence is really awkward because you can just enjoy the others company and even when you argue there’s no fear of the other leaving. It’s messy and emotional, but that’s why it’s great. I could go on and on, love is stereotypical but also atypical, there are a lot of similarities but everyone’s love and way of showing it is different.” 

“Are you not in love with that person anymore? I’m sure I would have seen them if they came over and you didn’t leave except for work”

“Oh I am, just in a different way.”

“I’m not sure I follow”

“You can love someone and not be in love with them. Sure we started out in love and it was great, but as we grew up we both wanted different things in life. We started to realize while we still loved each other, we weren’t in love and that was okay. She’s still one of my closest friends but the romantic aspect of our relationship is gone, all that matters though is that we’re both happy.”

“I don’t think I’ve been in love.”

“It’s different for everyone, don’t base your version off of mine. Even if you haven’t it’s alright, it’ll happen at some point if you want it to.” 

The waitress comes by with the check, which Lexa promptly takes and places her card in before excusing herself to the restroom.  
While she waits for Lexa to return she takes in her surroundings. Outside the window she sees an old man and what she assumes is his grandchild walking through the park carrying ice-cream. They stop to sit on a bench right across the street and she can’t help but smile at the little boy’s expression when he sees a large do walk by.

“Wow that’s really good, I didn’t know you liked to draw.”  
She looks to see that Lexa has returned and is staring down at the napkin where she had apparently sketched the elated face of the boy across the street.

“Oh I don’t, this is nothing.”

“If that’s nothing, I want to see something. You’re really good Clarke, do you have any pieces?”

She does or at least she did. She didn’t know if her mother would have kept the ones she left at her house, but she hoped they were still there. As for the ones she made here, he got rid of them after he moved in because they took up space.

“Um no, I don’t. It’s not really something I do anymore.”

She was thankful the waitress came back at that moment to return Lexa’s card. She really didn’t want to talk about her drawing anymore. She knew she told Niylah she’d think about starting up again, but she hadn’t given it much thought since. The napkin drawing happened subconsciously and even that hadn’t happened in long time. She stood up to leave and to silently say that conversation was over and hoped Lexa would take the hint.

They were in walking distance to the apartment Lexa wanted to show her and since it was a nice day out they decided to leave the car there. 

When they arrived she noticed a lock box on the door and wondered if they would have to wait for a realtor to arrive. She didn’t have to ponder for too long, because Lexa punched in the numbers and took out the key to open the door.

“How did you know the code?”

“My friends in the business so I asked.”

They walk inside and she notes that it’s not that different of a layout to Lexa’s apartment, except maybe a little bigger and more recently updated. The unit also has a built in washer and dryer so they wouldn’t have to travel to the laundromat every time they needed to wash something. While all of these things were nice she couldn’t help but think of the cost. She hadn’t been paying Lexa rent, which she had already felt guilty about, but it was temporary at the time. This felt a little more than temporary and looked a little more expensive. 

“Well what do you think?”

“It looks like it cost a lot.”

“It actually isn’t much different from what I pay now.”

“Still, I don’t have access to my money and don’t have a job so I couldn’t afford it and I definitely can’t let you pay for it on your own”

“I really have no problem with it. It wouldn’t make a difference, it’s basically what I pay now and I paid that before you started staying with me. It might even end up being cheaper, the waters included so that takes away all of the laundry expense”

“I still don’t feel comfortable with it.”

“Well we can work on getting your money back in your hands, but until then I don’t mind and you can keep making sure I eat something unprocessed occasionally.”

“That doesn’t seem very even.”

“Like I said, there’s no score in friendship, so do you like the place?”

“It’s nice, I like that you can also see some of the park from here.”

“Great! It’s ours.”

“Just like that?”

“Well, I mean I have to sign a few papers, but I can do that when you’re with Niylah later and then we’ll be able to move in whenever.”

“Wow. I didn’t think it would happen that fast.”

“It normally doesn’t. My friend helped me speed up the process a bit. We can go start to pack up a bit before I drop you off at your appointment if that works for you. I know is basically all mine but having two sets of hands would make it go by quicker.”

“Of course I’ll help, it’s the least I could do after all this. I’ll do the kitchen..”

“If that’s a joke of how little equipped I am in the culinary department, consider me offended.”

****

“If you’re ready to talk about it, I would like to hear about the physical aspect of your relationship.”

“It really wasn’t all bad. Just a few times at first, it didn’t get worse until around a year into it, that’s when the bruises would last longer and the punishing was more frequent. I had always done something to provoke it though.”

“There is no excuse for hitting someone, no matter what they’ve done. You are not a punching bag for his emotions. When did it start?”

“We were at a party with some of the people he worked with. I was working as a waitress at the time and had just finished a double so I wasn’t really in the mood to party. He was drinking with his friends while I sat on one of the couches, talking with whoever sat down next to me. When the party ended and we got to the car I realized how drunk he was so I made him give me the keys so I could drive. After we got home he started kissing me and pulling at my clothes. I shoved him off, said he was drunk and I was tired. He just looked at me and slapped me across the face muttering something about respect and knowing my place. I knew he was just drunk so I slept on the couch and in the morning he apologized.”

“How long after that was it when it happened again?”

“A couple of months.”

“Would you tell me what happened?”

“I didn’t see it coming at first. We had just finished a nice dinner out and were walking back to the car when all of a sudden I was shoved into the side of a building. I thought we were being mugged but I turned around to see him staring at me with his jaw clenched. I asked him if he tripped because I didn’t know what else it could have been. He said I didn’t care about him because I was blatantly flirting with the waiter in front of him. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and he pushed me against the wall again and told me to stop lying. He held me there and said that I’m with him so I wasn’t allowed to talk to anymore guys because I’m loose and they’d get the wrong idea. That was the night…that was the first time he…when we…”

“The first time you were forced to have sex?” Niylah fills in the gaps for her and hands her a box of tissues. She hadn’t even realized she started crying, but she didn’t like thinking about any of it, especially the first time. She didn’t know he could look so unaffected. He had never been the most gentle in bed, but he would try to make her enjoy it as well. Even if she had to fake it a few times, she heard that was normal.

“I didn’t really try to stop him, he said he needed me to know I was his, he didn’t force it.”

“But you did not want to have sex that night?”

“I was still a bit shaken from earlier and there wasn’t any build up really, I didn’t have time to be ready.”

“If you didn’t want to have sex, you do not need to come up a reason for why and you shouldn’t have been pressured into it. That was his responsibility as a partner to respect you. And that was the second time he acted aggressively towards you?”

“I mean he got angry a lot and we would fight, but nothing too physical. Oh I guess he hit me pretty hard after I bought new clothes and some cookware, but he didn’t get the promotion we thought he was going to get so I should have been saving the money.”

“Talking with our fists is not an acceptable form of communication. Buying something for yourself is not a punishable act. Did you share a bank account with him at this point?”

“I did. I was hesitant at first because we we’re only dating, not married, and we hadn’t been together for a year yet, but he said it’s what people who love each other do. They share everything.” 

“Did you still have the same amount of access to your account?”

“He only got one card and he kept it and gave me money for groceries and other spending’s. He said it was so we could keep track of where our money was going easier.”

“So he controlled how much you were able to spend?”  
“I mean I didn’t really need any more than what I had.”

“But you didn’t have the option to spend more if you wanted to. Were you still waitressing at the time?”

“Um...no.”

“Why not?”

“He said he made enough money and we needed someone to take care of everything at home.”

“Did you want to stop working?”

“I did like having something of my own and the people I worked with were great, but there were more important things to be done.”

“Like making sure there was a meal on the table? Is that more importance than your independence and happiness? Surely there would have been time for one of you to cook after work.”

“He was always tired when he came home.”

“Your happiness should never be second best and relationships are two people who help each other and support the others choices, not making the decisions for them. When did you two move in together?

“It sort of just happened. We had been dating for about five months and he spent the night a lot. One day he brought a bunch of his stuff over saying a pipe burst at his place and after that he just stayed.”

“And were you okay with that? That is a big step to take without a conversation first”

“It took some adjusting, but like he said it made sense since he already spent so much time there.”

“Your feelings and opinions matter and should always be taken into consideration.” Before Niylah could say more, the timer went off. 

“Looks like we have to stop there. I appreciate you opening yourself up and telling me what you did. Next time we can continue with that or talk about what you want to do now, you have a lot of options. I will see you in a few days.”

She left the office thinking about what Niylah meant by that. What she wanted to do now? Do about what? What did she need options for? She didn’t really want to keep talking about the punishments because it would only get harder the worse they got, but she did feel slightly less weighed down after telling Niylah. If she felt that way after talking about the small things, maybe it would help to talk about the big ones.

Despite her confusion over the last thing Niylah said, she didn’t feel as fogged in as the other times she left. She even thought about teaching Lexa how to cook something for dinner that night, when usually Lexa would have to make her eat a sandwich or something because she didn’t have the energy to do anything. 

She actually spoke to Lexa on the drive back, sure it was just little things about what was left to pack, how the lease signing went, what color rug they should get for the living room or the acceptable amount of candles to own, but it was something and that was a step in the right direction.

They had just made it to the apartment complex and Lexa needed to talk to the landlord about breaking the lease so she went up without her. When she was about to slide the key in the lock she heard the door down the hall open and suddenly she’s wrapped in strong arms.

“I knew I heard you! You’re finally back, I have dinner ready for us.”

In fight or flight situations, she freezes. The embrace she used to find comforting, now had awkward angles and made her whole body tense. Everything was contradicting; his voice was gentle, but his hold too tight to be caring, he said he made dinner, had he changed in the last few weeks? He never cooked a thing when they were together. When? Had she been thinking in past tense this whole time? She didn’t know what they were anymore. 

“I’ve missed you so much baby.” He’s leaning closer to her, too close, and she can smell the whiskey in his breath. He goes to kiss her and she just has the sense to turn her head away causing him to attach to her neck. One of his hands is sliding down the front of her shorts and only stops when the stairwell door opens.

“Take your hands off of her!” 

The hand leaves her shorts, but only to wrap around her shoulder, squeezing her into his side. 

“She’s my girlfriend, I can do whatever I want.”

“Seriously Finn this is getting old. Let her go.”

“No one wants you here bitch, you’re free to leave. Come on baby let’s go.”

“How many times are we going to do this before the message sticks in that flea sized brain of yours? Clarke, is not going with you.”

“Of course she is! She belongs to me!”

“I think the word you meant to use was with, yet both of them are far from true because she is a person, not an object.”

Lexa’s calm defiance infuriates him enough that he releases his grasp on her to tower over the other girl and Lexa maneuvers them so she is no longer next to him.

“Listen here, you need to stay out of my business bitch, know your place before I put you there.”

“I do not take kindly to being threatened Finn, Clarke please go inside.”

Lexa addressing her snaps her out of her frozen state. She manages to hear him say “you can’t take her from me” and something about paying, before she bolts into the apartment as fast as she can with fumbling hands. She leans against the door, trying to control her breathing, but it’s not enough, she needs to be as far away as possible. She runs down the hall and shuts herself in the bathroom, sliding her shaking body down the wall. She can still feel him on her and old memories are resurfacing. Everything is hot and her chest feels like it’s going to explode any second. Her eyes are squeezed shut and her hands are clenched tightly, nails digging into her palms, trying to ground herself. The room only seems to be getting hotter, her throat feels like it’s constricting and she’s getting dizzy. 

When she opens her eyes everything is still blurry but she doesn’t feel as closed in. She can feel a cool sensation running through her and looks down to find wet clothes wrapped around her wrists and one on her neck. She also notices that her outer shirt has been unbuttoned and opened. She looks over and tries to focus on the form next to her. Lexa is sitting with her legs stretched out and head back against the wall with her eyes closed, the hand between them palm open. She hesitantly places hers in the outstretched one and feels a firm squeeze.

They sit there in silence for a little while longer, and she lets the tension fall away from her body.  
She glances back at Lexa to see she’s being watched. She also takes the small cut and swell of the other girls bottom lip. Without thinking she reaches out to touch it and Lexa winces and she quickly retracts her hand.

“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking…he-he hit you?” He had never been physical with other people, or at least not that she knew of. Well except for the valet when his car came back with a scratch, but who wouldn’t be upset. But Lexa didn’t do anything wrong, she had been nothing but nice to her, she didn’t deserve that. Then she hears Lexa chuckle and her brows furrow in confusion. 

“It was a lucky shot, besides it helped prove a point when the cops showed up.”

“The police came?!”

“Ms. Davis from across the hall called them, probably a good thing too, I wasn’t going to let him try that again.”

She tries to absorb the news, the police came and he most likely went with him. Another police report had been made, had it always been Ms. Davis that called them? Did everyone know something was wrong except her? Well even she had to admit that she knew it was wrong, but she had convinced herself otherwise. She wasn’t in the right mind set yet to think about that. She needed to occupy herself. 

“We need to clean your cut so you don’t get an infection.”

“It’s fine really.”

“Please just let me take care of it.”

“Okay.”

She grabs the first aid kit from under the sink and takes out the antiseptic wipes and antibiotic cream.

“Sorry, this will probably sting” 

She kneels down in front of Lexa and gently dabs the wipe on the girls marred lip. After she cleans it she puts a dab of the cream on and leans back to inspect it.

“It doesn’t need a stitch, so as long as you clean it after you eat and drink it’ll be fine.”

“So I’ll live? Thanks doc.”

“You joke but I could have been one. Anyway it was only right for me to take care of you after you’ve taken care of me so many times and I know you said it’s not about owing or anything, but thank you.”  
She sits back on her heals and takes the washcloth off of her neck. It was amazing that Lexa always knew what to do and the best way to help her. This thought struck something inside her and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to know the answer.

“Why do you know what to do?”

“Um, I’m going to need a little more than that.”

“You always say the right things and know how to help. You don’t look at me with pity or like I’m broken. You just always seem to know what I need, even if I don’t. Have you- I mean did you- what I’m trying to say, were you ever-”

“No, no I wasn’t.” 

“Then how?”

“I grew up in the foster system and no, not every family is like those portrayed on TV, but some of them are. I got lucky and when I was nine, my foster family adopted me. They would still foster other kids and they weren’t always as fortunate as me. I guess I learned from watching my mom help them and then when I was older I would help them too. People have certain tells I guess for what they need and I learned to recognize them.”

She doesn’t know how to respond to that. The girl sitting in front of her is nothing like what he said people were like. Lexa was selfless and caring. She reaches out and squeezes the girls hand again, still not able to form words. After a few more silent minutes she finally knows what to say.

“Lexa?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being you...and for being my friend.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how the legal system works in every state/country and I didn't look it up for where I have them live, I just wrote what I know from how it is where I live.  
> Thanks for reading. x

“You are definitely making the right decision with moving. In light of what happened have you given any thoughts to your options?”

After the run in with Finn, she was never able to settle herself completely and Lexa had suggested going to see Niylah the next day. Which is how she found herself sitting in the office after explaining everything that happened after she left.

“I don’t what you mean when you say options. Options for what?”

“With how you want to proceed. The first thing that should happen is filing for a personal protection order. With everything you have told me, an ex parte would probably be best. I know you won’t be in the same building anymore, but it does not seem like he will decrease his effort. After that everything is up to you. Do you want to file charges against him?”

“I understand the protection thing, but what’s ex parte? And what’s involved in the charges? I don’t want to go to court or anything.”

“Asking for an ex parte protection order means that it would be given to you before they notify him of your petition. Otherwise there is a lag time between filing and receiving and his actions now tell me it’s in your best interest. We work directly with the legal system here and not every charge has to have a hearing. Where we are domestic assault and battery are misdemeanors punishable by a small fine and typically three months of jail time, unless he has prior accounts where it would be more. Those charges would all be backed by police reports and hospital records, as well as possible witness statements from neighbors. You could also charge him with rape. That would need you statement and accounts of each time it happened. It would most likely lead to a trial as well. I know this is a lot to take in but you needed to know you have those choices.”

“Rape?!” The word leaves a sour taste in her mouth and she instantly shrinks in on herself. “What- no, no I can’t do that! No, this is insane. This is all too much. I don’t even know how it got to this point! I should have known! I should have left when it started! I should have...I should’ve... God, I’m such an idiot.” 

“None of this is your fault Clarke. If there is blame to place it is on him. As much as we want to change our pasts, we can’t, but we can do something about your future. It won’t help to think about should haves and what ifs, you won’t be able to heal if you make more wounds.”

“How is it not my fault? I know the signs, I’ve heard all about people my mom has seen. And yet I didn’t stop it from happening!”

“You can hear all about something and think you’re prepared to handle the situation, until it actually presents itself to you. What you hear about are things that don’t start in the beginning. The human brain is complicated. You were in a state of vulnerability when you met him and he took advantage of it. You moved across the country, by yourself, you did not know anyone here and he swooped in. You told me you moved to have more control of yourself, while we all have an underlying need for freedom, you came from a predisposition of being controlled and that is hard to break out of. He appeared at a susceptible moment and from there your subconscious was slowly meld to his direction. Maybe it started with simple expressions of like and dislike when it came to what you wore or did. Then suggesting what to wear and what to do, before actually telling. Isolating you and your choices and praising the response, humans yearn for approval. The signs are not always mapped out in front of you, they are spread out in pieces. It is not your fault for not seeing past the facade he gave to everyone.”

“All I’m hearing is that I let it happen. That my decisions are why everything went the they did.”

“And it may take some time before you don’t see it that way and that’s normal. We can keep discussing that further in our next sessions to come. Outside of here though, I am going to suggest control exercises that I would like you to consider.”

“Control exercises? Like for breathing?”

“While that can be beneficial, I meant more like tasks. The first one being writing down the things you’ve always wanted to do. It can be anywhere from travel, to trying a new skill or food, to going back to school, or even your dream job. Write everything down and then think about what you believe is holding you back from doing those things. The next task is to do at least one thing a day that makes you happy, whatever it may be. The last thing is more of a reminder, it’s okay to say no. If you don’t want to do something or go somewhere, say no, you don’t have to explain, but you can suggest something else. You do not have to please anyone but yourself.”

“I- okay I can write some things down and try to do the other things I guess.”

*******

When she leaves the building she looks for Lexa in their usual parking spot, but she doesn’t see the car. Ignoring the sudden drop in her stomach she looks around the rest of the parking lot, but still no sign of Lexa. She looks to see if she got out early and sees it’s past the time she would normally be out. Her worry now getting the better of her, she pulls out the phone Lexa gave her and clicks on the other girls number. It barely rings once before the call is answered.

“Clarke! I am soo so sorry, I lost track of time. I’m turning into the complex now, okay? Oh, I think I see you! I’m so sorry. Okay yep that’s you, I’m hanging up now.”

The exchange happens so fast, she didn’t say a single word and suddenly there’s a car in front of her with an apologetic looking Lexa staring at her.

“I’m really sorry, I should have been here. I’ve never left before, but I wanted to get something done and thought I had enough time-”

“It’s fine, I didn’t have to wait too long. If it’s going to happen again maybe just let me know.”

“Oh right, of course. It won’t happen again though, special circumstances today I promise.”

She doesn’t respond. She knows Lexa sounds sincere and maybe is telling the truth, but she doesn’t believe in promises and things only happening once anymore. So she tries to give some sort of a reassuring smile and take her place with her head against the window as they drive off.

“So, I was hoping we could get lunch while we’re out if you’re alright with it? There’s something I wanted to run by you”

She can hear her internal freakout monologue begin. Not everything is bad. She didn’t hear any regret or the beginning of the end tone. She thought Lexa sounded nervous, but why? Did it have to do with why she was late? Only one way to find out and she was hungry.

“Um, yeah food sounds good.” 

They go to a little cafe down the road and settle into a table in an uncomfortable silence. She doesn’t want to be the first to break it. Lexa wanted to talk to her, so she would wait. The other girl doesn’t speak until after they’ve place their order.

“Okay so I wanted to do this surprise kind of thing and then I realized you may want some stuff and while I could do the first part, I wasn’t sure of the other.”

She wasn’t sure if she missed something, surely she had to because none of what she just heard made any sense to her. Her face must have displayed her confusion because Lexa sighs before trying again.

“I thought it would be nice if we didn’t have to go back to the old building again, so I got my friends to help me move everything over to the new place. Well, actually they are probably still doing it, but that’s besides the point. When I was taking loading the last of my things I realized that you didn’t have any of your things at my place, besides the minimum stuff I grabbed. And while we can go shopping for things you’d like, I figured you probably had some personal things still at your old place that you would want. If you told me I could go get them. He isn’t back yet so it’d be quick...so?”

She hadn’t thought about it either until now. Probably because she didn’t want to think about going back there. She really doesn’t have much anymore, after he moved in they got rid of a lot of her stuff to make room for his, but there were a few little things she didn’t want to part with. She didn’t know where everything was specifically, so she wouldn’t be able to describe it; and maybe she needed to go there one last time.

“You ramble a lot. I’m not going to fall apart on you. I would’ve helped move everything you know, but I appreciate the thought and I guess getting out of the manual labor. You’re right there are somethings I would like, but I’m going with you. You said it yourself he’s not there. I need to do this.”

“Okay, I’m not arguing, you know what you have to do so we’ll go after we’re done eating. Oh and there are still plenty of boxes yet to be unpacked with your name on them.”

“Oh gee thanks, at least I’ll know where everything is then. Before we go can we stop by the police station? Niylah says I should get a protection order, so I want to get that done.”

“Of course, I think that’s the right call and I can give them a witness statement so it can file faster.”

They switch to lighter conversation topics as they eat their meal and before she knows it, the bill is paid and then they’re parked in front of the station.

“What if he’s in there? I mean I know he’s there somewhere right? But I don’t know how that works. Could he be there and like see me when we go in there?”

“I don’t think he’d be where we’d see him, but I can go in first and double check before you come in?”

“That seems silly, I should be able to walk in there without you being my lookout.”

“Yeah but if it makes you uncomfortable you don’t. It’ll take less than a minute, I’ll be right back.”

Before she can protest further, the driver door shuts and she watches as Lexa walks up into the building. She doesn’t have much time for her fear to get the better of her by the time Lexa’s back and they walk back in together. She fills out all of the paper work and talks to everyone she has to talk to. She didn’t know she would have to give detailed accounts of everything, although she probably should have. With Lexa’s statement they’re able to grant her the ex parte and she leaves feeling a little less weighed down yet still heightened after explaining everything. The car ride to their old apartment building is quiet, but thankfully short. 

She still has a key and she fumbles it into the lock before opening the door. She’s assaulted by the stench of stale food and alcohol as soon as she steps in. The place doesn’t look like it’s been cleaned since she left. Definitely not a happy home. She makes her way to the bedroom, stepping over discarded bottles and clothes. She goes to her nightstand, noticing her pillow is still in her place on the floor and has to swallow down memories that are threatening to bring her down. She opens the drawer and pulls out her father's old watch, a photo of her friends and the last picture she has of her family together. She doesn’t care about her jewelry or clothes, they just feel tainted and she can buy new ones. In the closet she grabs a box of keepsakes she shoved in the back and then digs around for something she hopes is still there. She finds the rolled paper jammed behind a shoe rack and carefully extracts it. Once she has what she wants she makes her way out of the apartment, never wanting to look back, with Lexa on her heels.

Once in the car she feels settled enough to unroll the sheet in her hands. She’s grateful when she sees it’s still in good condition after where it’s been. It’s painting she did with her father right before he died. He was teaching her how to use acrylics and they were bringing to life one of her favorite childhood stories they made up together.

“Wow that’s really good! Is that one of yours?” She had all but forgotten about the other person in the car, too lost reliving some of her better memories.

“Yeah, it is. It’s one of my favorites.”

“Well I can see why! How come you don’t do it anymore?”

“I just... lost interest I guess, Niylah says it might be good to start again.”

“Do you think it would be?”

“I’m not sure.” 

“Would it make you happy?”

There it was again. Someone else asking about what makes her happy. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t really know if she knows what that feels like anymore. Would it make her happy? Who knows? She would like it? Sure, does that equate to happiness? 

“I don’t know what makes me happy” she’s not sure how she meant for that to come out but it sounded more bitter and defeated than expected

“That’s okay, you don’t have to know.” and she’s not sure if it’s the combination from everything she’s done today or if she’s just heard that one too many times that week, but she snaps. 

“Is it? God I’m so sick and tired of people telling me it’s normal to feel the way I do, or okay to do or want or feel something, when I don’t feel normal! I have like two emotions right now. Nothing feels like me! I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel anymore! And- and you- and people are telling me that’s perfectly normal! How is that okay? How is that normal?! I just- I want to feel something other than scared or confused or- or nothing! I just want to feel…”

She’s so caught up in her thoughts she doesn’t notice the car make a quick turn and change direction. Not until it stops and Lexa gets out. She looks at the building in front of them, but nothing about it sticks out. She exits the car and it’s then she notices the sign “Grounder Recreational”.

“Is this your gym? What are we doing here?”

“You’ll find out, come on follow me.” 

Since she doesn't have many options seeing as Lexa has the car keys she follows the other girl into the building. As they walk down the hall she take in her surroundings. The interior gives off a calm earthy vibe and there isn’t any harsh lighting. They pass what looks like a weight room, the a lounge, and then, a classroom? She doesn’t think too much of it and they’ve already turned away from it. Lexa leads her to, what looks like an empty room except for some sticks in the corner and the mats on the floor.

“Are you going to tell me what we’re doing here now?”

Lexa seems to ignore her as she crosses to the other side of the room to pick up hand pads, before walking back over to her. She’s given wrist wraps which only add to her confusion.

“You said you wanted to feel. Let’s make you feel. This is a safe way to let your emotions and tension out while also learning how to protect yourself.”

She looks at Lexa standing in front of her, pads up and shakes her head.

“I’m not going to hit you, this isn’t going to help.”

“You won’t be hitting me, that’s what the pads are for. Just trust me on this. Show me your fists.”

She’s still skeptical, but holds up her hands turning them into fists.  
“Okay so when you make a fist you don’t want to wrap your fingers around your thumb, because that could lead to a break. Try resting them on your first knuckle and then give me your best swing.”

She adjusts her hands and throws one into the pad in front of her. The impact wasn’t at all what she was expecting.

“Alright, that’s a good start. Now I want you to follow through. This will allow all of your weight to connect with the hit. Instead of just moving your arm, your upper body through your hips should move with it. Your shoulder should follow. Kind of like you’re turning your body while your feet are still planted. Oh and speaking of feet, if you’re throwing with your right arm, keep your left foot forward so you can shift your weight from right to left when you punch. Okay, I know that’s a lot, but let’s try it.”

She loses track of how long they spend there. She keeps going punch after punch no matter how tired she was becoming, because surprisingly it felt like something inside of her was opening up and releasing some negativity. It felt good. It also made her feel proud after Lexa’s pointers started coming less and less, and the only sound was the thumping of her fists and her breath that was now heavier. Lexa taught her a few different types of advances and blocks before her arms started to feel like jelly and they called it a day. Seeing as this was a spontaneous stop she didn’t have any spare clothes with her, Lexa lead her to her office and gave her a spare set she kept there before pointing out the showers. After she felt human again, although her muscles would protest that, they were back in the car and off to their new place.

She hadn’t been there since Lexa first showed it to her and she was excited to see what it looked like furnished. She knew it wouldn’t really be that much different since it was the same furniture, but it was her second fresh start and she was looking forward to it.

She carries her reclaimed items as she walks through the apartment. There are still boxes stacked in each room, but it’s already making her feel better just being there. She goes to her room, not hearing the “wait” behind her and stops in the doorway. There in the corner of her room is an easel, a pile of sketch pads and an array of paint.

“I’m sorry. I got all of this after breakfast that time when you told me this was an old hobby. I had thought you might want to do it again since you’ve been wanting to keep busy. This was obviously before today and now I feel like shit for assuming things and don’t worry I can take it all back. Let’s just pretend it’s not-”

She cuts Lexa off by throwing her arms around the other girl’s neck. She can tell Lexa is surprised by her sudden display of affection, she’s surprised herself with her actions, but as soon as Lexa’s arms wrap around her she forgets her dislike of touch. She actually missed the feeling of being embraced in a comforting sense. She melts into it, but then realizes it’s probably lasted too long and sheepishly pulls away.

“I’m sorry for snapping earlier. Thank you for taking me to your gym and thank you for this. I do think it’s something I want to pick up again.”

“You needed to let it out I get it and I’m glad the sparring session helped. Are you sure about this though, I don’t want you to feel pressured because it’s here, I’ll take it back.”

“I’m sure. I really do miss it, I just never had the means or the chance to continue with it. So, thank you for giving it to me.”

“Of course. Now what do you say we break in the new kitchen?”

“You probably would break something, so you can unpack more while I make something.”

“I’m not that bad!”

It took them awhile to find the box with the silverware in it but eventually they’re sitting down to eat the simple pasta dish she made with the limited ingredients they had. She told Lexa what Niylah said about what options she had and it was good to talk it out with someone who didn’t know everything about it and to get a second opinion.

“I still think a couple months is like a slap on the wrist for him. I don’t understand how that’s all it could be. Have you given more thought to the other charges?”

“Yeah I didn’t think it sounded like much either. I don’t know, I really don’t want to go to court. I have no idea what that would involve besides added discomfort and anxiety.”

“I get that, no one likes the idea of court. If you want I have a friend who’s a lawyer and she could tell you what it would entail. That way you could know for sure that you didn’t want to or it might change your mind.”

“If she wouldn’t mind I think I would like that. I don’t just want to brush something off because I know nothing about it and it makes me nervous.”

“Okay, I’ll give her a call tomorrow to set something up.

After they’re done with the dishes, well Lexa did them because she cooked, they made their way to the living room and collapsed on the couch.

“Well the cable isn’t set-up yet and my laptop is dead so no movie to kick-off our first night.”

“That’s alright, I probably would have fallen asleep anyways. We could call it a night? We still have a lot of unpacking to do tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I guess we cou- Wait! We haven’t properly broken in the apartment yet!”

“And just pray tell do you do that?”

“Uh by dancing duh!”

Before she can question any further, Lexa is off the couch searching through her phone. A deep base and strong beat fill the room and then Lexa is on top of the coffee table flinging her limbs all over the place. She doesn’t know whether to laugh or worry about something breaking. Suddenly Lexa jumps onto the sofa next to her and is bouncing while holding a hand out to her.

“You’re crazy! You’re going to break the couch”

“Live a little! Come on!”

And so she accepts the outstretched hand and finds herself bouncing up and dancing. Her hair’s getting in her face and her arms still feel like they are going to fall off but she doesn’t care. At that moment she’s carefree and dancing on a couch to dumb party music and she’s actually laughing. This small moment makes her think that they were right. That maybe at some point everything would be okay. That she should do at least one thing a day that makes her happy and today that was dancing like a fool on a sofa.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One step forward, three steps back, and an unexpected face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't really a fun chapter and there is a small flash back, but its a transition to more plot I suppose. it will get "fluffier" I promise, it just takes time. Thanks for reading. x

She stares at the blank canvas in front of her, twirling a brush in her hand, brows furrowed, contemplating ideas and...nothing. She has come up with absolutely nothing. For three days the easel has been mocking her with it’s existence. She should have known it wouldn’t be easy, but she just wanted to have a part of herself back. Maybe she should just put some paint on it and see where it goes. Huffing out her frustration she abandons her room and searches for something else to occupy herself for the time being. She turns on the TV and starts absentmindedly scrolling through the channels, thinking about what she’ll do later today when she’s alone. They don’t need anything from the store. Maybe go to the park, that might inspire something. Everything else costs money. Money. She really should look into getting a job somewhere. She’s contemplating the desire and the odds of the restaurant hiring her again when a voice from the other room calls out to her.

 

“Clarke, Anya just called, said she’s on her way over. I’m about to head out- I really wouldn’t mind staying though.”

 

“It’s fine, I’ll be fine. I think it will be better with less people here anyway.”

 

“If you’re sure. Oh and listen, Anya, she’s great really, she just- takes some time to warm up to. So try not to be put off by her, for lack of better word intimidating bitchy exterior. I swear she’s a softie, but uh please don’t tell her I said that. She is really good at what she does though, and she’ll be able to answer any questions you might have. Hopefully it clears things up. Okay, um let me know if you want me to come back for any reason, anything at all. Don’t-”

 

“Lexa, go. I appreciate you offering to stay, and for setting this up, but jeez you’re more nervous than I am and she’s your friend! Go to work, they need you there.”

 

“Okay okay, I’m going. I’ll see you later. Unless you call me, I’m serious.”

 

“Trust me, I know, have fun.”

 

She stares at the TV for another twenty minutes before there’s a knock on the door. She looks through the viewer but the person has their back to it, at least it’s a woman though. Opening the door, the visitor turns around and she is greeted by a hard gaze and stiff posture.

 

“Clarke, I presume.” Is the woman’s only acknowledgement before brushing past her into the apartment. Slightly taken aback, she takes a moment to gather herself before following.

 

“You must be Anya, thank you for doing this.”

 

“I should not be thanking me, you are not going to like me after this.”

 

“Um, okay. I’m not sure why, but I still appreciate you coming here.”

 

“Yes, we’ll see. Lexa tells me you wish to know what would ensue from a trial, is that correct?”

 

“It is. That was one of the options I was told I had. I’m not sure if I want to file those charges, I was also told the other charges wouldn’t require a hearing, is that still true?”

 

“I’ve compiled a file and based on everything I have reviewed, it would seem as though there is enough evidence that you would personally not be needed. Perhaps a written statement is all. As for the rest. I can see why you are hesitant, sexual assault charges are always trying.”

“The only thing I know about them is from tv shows really and it’s kind of a turn off.”

 

“Well they are never pleasant. What would make you consider proceeding?”

 

“I guess I want to know what would happen, what would I have to do?”

 

“There would be a preliminary hearing to see if your case would make it to court. All you would do for that is state your claim and provide evidence. If it makes it through, you’d be have to give detailed accounts in front of a jury and be subject to questioning.”

 

“What would they be questioning? Whether it happened or not?”

 

“Partially, the defense's job is to get their client off and if they can do that by tearing you down they will. I have some here if you want to see what it would be like.”

 

“Oh, okay that might help.”

 

“This is the ugly part of court right here, what I was referring to when I said you wouldn’t be thanking me. It gets intense.”

 

“I’m sure I can handle it”

 

“If you’re sure, just answer honestly and pretend like we’re in a courtroom right now.”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“In your allegations you claim Mr. Collins, the man you are in a committed relationship of over two years with has sexually assaulted you, is that correct?”

 

“We are no longer in a relationship, but when we were yes.”

 

“Did you have sexual relations with Mr. Collins?”

 

“Yes I had sex with him but-”

 

“And yet you say he assaulted you.”

 

“Because he did.”

 

“What makes you believe that?”

 

“It happened when I didn’t want it to”

 

“Did you tell him no?”

 

“The first time I told him he was drunk and I was tired.”

 

“You were looking after his well being, if he was sober enough to converse, he could consent. Did you say no.”

 

“I told him I didn’t want to! That’s the same thing”

 

“And the other times? How many did you say it was?”

 

“It’s not like I counted!”

 

“Ball park it, under twenty?”

 

“Excu- Are you serious?”

 

“Very, answer the question.”

 

“No, it was more than that”

 

“Okay then on the supposed twenty plus other encounters, did you say no?”

 

“In the beginning I did, but it only made it worse if.”

 

“So when you didn’t, he had no way of knowing you we’re not “in the mood”?”

 

“In the mood?! I haven’t been in the mood for over a year.”

 

“That was not the question. I’ll rephrase it for you. Was your disinterest clearly expressed to him? Did you say something to make him think otherwise?”

 

“He would just get angrier!”

 

“In other words no, you did not say anything and he had no way of knowing.”

 

“He- he knew. He made me say I liked it”

 

“This is all hearsay. Do you have any proof of that?”

 

Proof? God maybe she was wrong. This is too much. At first she was fine, then the questions started to infuriate her and now she was just feeling sick. This wasn’t even real! Was this what was going to happen? Plus he’d be there, taunting her. All of her nightmares we’re flashing in front of her eyes, except they weren’t just dreams, they were her reality. She couldn’t say she said something to dissuade him, she didn’t. She knew it would only bring punishment. She said what he wanted to hear, what he told her. How was she supposed to have evidence? She couldn’t do this. 

-

_ “You love it” He grunts as he picks up his thrusts _

 

_ “I- I love it” _

 

_ “That’s right princess, ugh, because you’re mine.” _

 

_ “I’m yours” _

 

_ “No one else will ever make you feel this good” _

 

_ “O-nly y-you” was the last thing she good choke out before the burning pain became too much and she could only focus on breathing through it.  _

 

_ “Good girl” _

-

 

“Clarke are you alright? We can stop there, I know it’s intense.”

 

No, no, no. She was doing so well. She thought she had it under control. This can’t happen now, not in front of a stranger. But her body wasn’t listening to her mind and was shutting down at the first sign of stress. She needed to leave, but she was frozen. It was a good thing she was sitting down or she would have collapsed, adding to her embarrassment. That would help panic attack. 

She can’t get the images out of her head and she’s having trouble focusing enough to try and calm herself down. She wasn’t ready. Her breath comes in short clips and she starts to feel light headed. Her last rational or maybe irrational thought was to try to figure out how to make the room stop spinning, before everything went black. 

 

Gentle hands combing through her hair bring her back to reality. She finds herself relaxing into the touch until she remembers what happens and she stiffens. She’s curled up on the couch with her head assumedly in Lexa’s lap and her hands fisted in the girl’s t-shirt. A new wave of guilt washes over her, she made her come home. This also causes her to wonder about the other person that was there or perhaps still is, who at this time she doesn’t think she’ll be able to show her face to again. Her throat is dry and heavy with emotion, so her voice barely chokes out the single word, but she needs to know.

 

“Anya?”

 

“She left after I got home.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“There’s nothing to apologize for.”

 

“I- I thought I was better..I thought I could do it. I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey, you did great today.”

 

“I passed out.”

 

“It was an overwhelming situation.”

 

“I passed out.”

 

“You did. You should be proud of yourself, I know I am.”

 

“For passing out?”

 

“At least it was on the couch, but no not for that. For trying, even though you knew it would be uncomfortable and now you can figure out what you want to do.”

 

“I can’t do it.”

 

“Okay”

 

“That’s it?”

 

“If that’s what you want. It’s your decision”

 

“But-”

 

“You know what’s best for you, and I support what ever choice you make.”

 

“You have to have an opinion.”

 

“My opinion doesn’t matter. If you want to talk it out, I’ll do that with you, but don’t let someone else influence you.”

 

That’s what got her to that point is it not? By doing what someone else said and wanted. She wanted to know though. She didn’t want to decide on her own. It was too big of a decision. She wanted someone to tell her not to do it, then she wouldn’t feel so torn. Torn between wanting him to pay and not wanting to go through with it. If someone told her not to that would all go away right? 

 

There’s a knock on the door and Lexa slides out from under her to answer it. She hears a few muffled curses and the door clicking shut before the other girl returns and they resume their previous position.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Who was that?”

 

“Wrong apartment”

 

“Lexa”

 

“It was nothing, really.”

 

“I don’t believe you, but I’m too tired to force it out of you.”

 

“You wouldn’t be able to anyway.”

 

“Mm I have my ways and I can be very persuasive.”

 

“Hah, oh I have no doubt. Close your eyes, hopefully you’ll forget.”

 

“Rude.”

 

******

 

 

  * __Go to art’s alive__


  * _Paint something_


  * _Travel to the Louvre_


  * _Go to the BMA_


  * _Learn how to play the guitar_


  * ~~_Exercise?_~~


  * _Find out how mom and friends are_


  * _Figure myself out_



 

“These seem like accomplishable goals to set.”

 

“For the most part sure”

 

“Your mother?”

 

“Funny how that seems less possible than a trip to Paris.”

 

“When is the last time you spoke with her?”

 

“Um… before I left”

 

“And your friends?”

 

“I knew she’d find me if I kept in contact with them, so no, kinda a bitchy move right?”

 

“You had your reasons at the time. Had you talked about what was bothering you before you left?”

 

“I tried, but she never really heard me unless it was about something medical or agreeing to go with a colleague's son to a gala.”

 

“You two didn’t talk about anything else?”

 

“I mean I tried, but if you asked her what we talked about I don’t think she’d give the right answer. She just, stopped being my mom and I couldn’t take it.”

 

“When did that start?”

 

“I always say it was after my dad died, but I think I was trying to come up with an excuse for her. Even when I was a kid she was never really present, but when I started highschool any “family time” we had had before was gone. Her suggestions turned into belittlements and her motherly advice turned to a set future and yet I still craved it because she acknowledged me. And It’s stupid but I miss it.”

“Have you thought about contacting her since?”

 

“I used to, but now if I think about it I just think of how I managed to become even more of a disappointment. Plus I don’t think I have her number anymore.”

 

“Why do you think that?” 

 

“It’s true. I dropped out of school, where I would have been following in her footsteps. I decided to become an artist, something she barely acknowledged and I gave up on that. The only job I’ve had was as a waitress, which is great for some people, but not in the eyes of my mother. I have no respective future ahead of me, barely anything to my name and let’s not mention my failed relationship and mental state.” 

 

“Trying to live up to someone else’s expectations only takes away from who you are. Are you disappointed in yourself?”

 

“When I first moved, I always questioned why I couldn’t just do what I was told. I would have a stable job and a good income, but I didn’t want to be a doctor. I’m not disappointed about that anymore, but everything else...I just, it’s hard not to be.”

 

“There is still time to do everything else. You are not even twenty-four, you have most of your life ahead of you. This is the perfect time to question yourself, try new things, and even make mistakes. You can still become an artist. You do not need to be in a relationship to be happy or make someone else happy, you don’t need to settle down right now. What you do and what makes you happy does not need anyone else's approval. As for your mental health, that is always something to take into consideration when making decisions. You needed to move and I’m sure it was the right call. There are other things that can help you now. Group therapy, yoga, finding an outlet suited to you, and I can always prescribe something for you.”

 

“I don’t need to take something.”

 

“I didn’t say you did, it’s only an option. There are a lot of negative speculations out there about medication, but there is nothing wrong about taking them, it doesn’t mean you’re sick or crazy, they’re just to help balance the chemicals in your body.”

 

“I know, I just don’t want to have to rely on anything.”

 

“How about you try other methods and if they don’t work we will discuss it further.”

 

“Yeah, alright.”

 

*****

 

She picked up something for dinner on her way home since they hadn’t fully stocked the fridge yet. She had gone to her appointment alone after Lexa had got a call from work and it was something she couldn’t get out of, no matter how hard she tried. Thankfully they stayed away from the heavy stuff that day and she felt aware enough to drive. When she made it up to the apartment, there was a delivery man holding a bouquet of roses. He turned to her when the door behind her clicked shut.

 

“Excuse me ma’am, does a Ms. Griffin live here?”

 

“Yes, she does. Are those for her?”

 

“Ah yes, great. I was told to wait for her to arrive, but I have a lot more deliveries to make.”

 

“I’ll take them for you.”

 

“Thank you miss, you’re doing me a real kindness.”

 

He hands over the vase and quickly rushes down the stairwell. She eyes the flowers in her hand before she spots the tiny card.

* _ What is a Knight without his Princess?* _

She doesn’t notice the vase fall from her grasp as she clutches the card tighter. How did he know where to find her? She was never going to get out of his hold. He was never going to give up. Somehow she makes it to her bed before she curls up in a ball, shutting her brain off, trying not to panic. She’s still in that position when Lexa knocks on her door a few hours later.

 

“Clarke?”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“What?”

 

“How could he find me? How could he do that? I have a protection order”

 

“That’s how he knew, our address is given so he knows where to stay away from”

 

“What? That’s bullshit how is that any good- wait so he broke it sending those right?”

 

“Technically yes, but there is no evidence. He didn’t sign the card and he pays in cash.”

 

“There’s got to be like cameras or something...hold on how do you know that?”

 

“What? Oh I um-”

 

“How?” She demands as she watches Lexa rub the back of her neck, avoiding all eye contact. 

 

“This wasn’t the first time”

 

“What?”

 

“He’s sent them before, but I always either got to the door first and threw them out or ran into the delivery person and told them to leave.”

 

“What the hell, why didn’t you tell me?!”

 

“I thought I took care of it, I told them not to accept anymore deliveries for here after asking the cops if there was anything they could do, but there wasn’t because there’s no proof.”

 

“You should have told me.”

 

“I wanted you to have a sense of peace and security here.”

 

“Well that’s all out the window now! I had the right to know. You can’t protect me from everything.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry.”

 

“Whatever, I just want to be alone right now.”

 

“Yeah, sure, okay. Um I’ll uh, go- do something. I’m sorry for not telling you.”

 

“You’re sorry I found out.”

 

“That’s n- fine, I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

 

She didn’t feel like eating though. Everything was coming down on her and she felt the familiar numbness start to settle through her. He knew where she lived. He was never going to stop. There was nothing she could do about it. Well there was one thing, but it was the last thing she wanted to do. She thought she was done with him, but to find out he’s still trying and has been for who knows how long, well apparently Lexa, but probably since she had the order filed, just shred her last thread of hope. She could feel herself caving in, curling tighter into herself. 

 

And that is how she stayed for three days. Barely eating, because she wasn’t hungry. Exhausted because sleep only brought nightmares. Ignoring Lexa and all of her attempts to get her out of bed. She didn’t understand how her mind could feel so empty yet so full at the same time. And with all of that she simply didn’t care. What was the point? Suddenly the curtains were opened and she was blinded by the harsh incoming light.

 

“That’s it, you’re coming with me.”

 

“Go away”

 

“I’ve let you wallow long enough, let’s go.”

 

“No” she mumbles as she burrows further into her blanket cocoon.

 

The blankets are ripped off of her and she lets out a shriek as her body is exposed to the air.

 

“This isn’t healthy, come on we’re getting out of the apartment.”

 

“Go ahead, I’m staying here.”

 

“Nope, not happening.”

 

Lexa grabs her legs and pulls them off the bed. Once she’s in a seated position, clothes are being thrown at her.

 

“Shower or don’t, but change your clothes you smell.”

 

“I do not”

“You’ve worn the same thing for the past three days and only left the bed to pee, you smell. We’ll wash your sheets later.”

 

“You’re mean, now I really don’t want to go.”

 

“Tough, get dressed. Oh and you might want to brush your hair, unless you want birds to live in it.”

 

After a few minutes she relents, changes, grabs her bag, and walks out to find Lexa standing by the door with car keys in one hand and an apple in the other. Rolling her eyes she takes the piece of fruit and follows the other girl out of their place and to the car. She doesn’t know what she was expecting, maybe go to the gym again or the park, but it certainly wasn’t a forty minute drive to some farm.

 

“What are we doing here?”

 

“Change of scenery” Lexa shrugs as she gets out of the car. With no other option but to stay in the car she follows. She looks over at Lexa, to see if they were really going to just stand there and look at things or if she had something else in mind. Much to her annoyance Lexa doesn’t say anything, just grins and then sits on the ground and whistles. What was happening? Then, out of the corner of her eye a bunch of furry blobs were darting towards them and she was almost knocked over by their impact.

 

She was surrounded by berner puppies. She spots Lexa stumble over from the collaborative effort of three of them all trying to lick her face and decides to join them on the ground. Their whole bodies shake with excitement and they’re nipping and licking any part of her they can reach. She tries to spread her attention to all of them and laughs as they tumble over each other and then again when she sees Lexa’s hair all disheveled from being smothered. 

 

She loses track of how long they’re there, simply running around being chased by the dogs or lying down and being covered in slobbery kisses. Eventually they have to go though and Lexa has to practically drag her back to the car. 

 

“Can’t we take one with us?” She asks with a prominent pout on her face.

 

“We live in an apartment, it’s not big enough for a dog like that and there’s no yard.”

 

“But they’re so cute!”

“I’m not denying that, we can come back if you want.”

 

“Tomorrow?”

 

“Hah, we’ll see. I’m glad you enjoyed it though.”

 

“I could have been allergic you know.”

 

“But you weren’t so it doesn’t matter. What do you want for dinner?”

 

“I don’t feel like cooking, how about pizza?”

 

“Works for me, we can pick it up on our way back. I need to swing by Grounders as well, Lincoln has some papers I have to sign.”

 

“Fine by me...thank you for today.”

 

“Of course.”

 

The rest of the ride was quiet, but it was back to their peaceful comfort they had before. They pull up to the rec center and she decides to go in rather than wait in the car. She follows Lexa back to a large office where a large, intimidating man was waiting for them.

 

“Hey Lincoln, this is Clarke. Clarke this is my friend and co-owner Lincoln.”

 

“Ah Clarke it’s nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you.” He says as he extends his hand to her. She accepts and everything about him contradicts his appearance. His tone, his friendly demeanor and his warm, kind handshake. 

 

“Hopefully nothing bad.”

 

“Of course not! Lex here babbles nothing but praises and once she starts there’s no stopping her, last week sh-”

 

“You said you had something I needed to sign?” Lexa cuts in and she notices her cheeks are slightly redder than usual.

 

“Right, over here”

 

He leads her over to the desk and they start talking about numbers and profits and other stuff that she tunes out and stares into the small fish tank instead. She’s broken from her reverie when a new, yet familiar voice joins the room.

 

“Hey Linc, are you about ready to- no fucking way...Clarke?!”

 

Oh no, this can’t be happening. What are the odds? They had to be impossible. There was no way that out of all the states, all of the cities, they would end up in the same one without knowing. And yet...she turns around to see someone she thought she wouldn’t see again.

  
“Oc-Octavia?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for more characters so there you have it, three in one chapter. If you have suggestions or something you want to see, let me know and I'll see what I can do.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a very happy chapter as it goes into the reason Clarke left. Next chapter will get a new character though!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me so long, I had a family emergency that took me away for a few weeks and I had intended to update last weekend but my computer died so I rewrote this on my phone (due to that there are probably more mistakes-sorry). it's a little shorter I think but I wanted to give those who are still reading something and hope to have the next part up next weekend.

“I agree those odds were pretty slim but maybe this is a good thing.”

 

“I don't think it is.”

 

“why do you say that? What happened?”

 

*

 

_ The room had gone silent. Octavia was looking at her with narrowed eyes, displaying a mixture of shock, disbelief, and anger. She knew she was waiting for her to say something, anything. But what was she supposed to say? The other two figures in the room had been forgotten about during the stare down, but their eyes kept flitting from one girl to the other trying to make sense of the situation. She still didn’t understand it herself. She didn’t know how it was possible. Fate seemed to have a wicked sense of humor when it came to her life. She was still at a loss for words, because she didn’t know how this was going to play out. She knew Octavia was most likely made, she left without telling anyone or keeping in touch. It had been years and know here they were. She couldn’t assume her friend was the same person she left, because she herself had changed so much. It seems as though Octavia was still as impatient as before because she broke the silence first. _

 

_ “So this is where you ran off to huh? Guess it’s good to see you’re still alive, seeing as we had no way of knowing.” _

 

_ “I-” _

 

_ “10 years. After 10 fucking years of friendship, you leave without an explanation or a goodbye.” _

 

_ “I couldn’t-” she’s cut off again by Octavia taking a step forward and raising her hand to stop her. She can’t help her body’s automatic response as she flinches and folds in on herself. It seems to go unnoticed by the enraged girl who is now pacing the room, but the other two occupants give her varying expressions- one of knowing and concern, the other one an expression of realization, like the last piece of some puzzle has just been set.  _

 

_ “Save it, I don’t want to hear it. I’m not interested in some half-assed excuse. We tried to find you, hell your mom even hired someone, but it was obvious you didn't want that. So I'm done. Hope your new life is as fantastic without us, as ours is. Although you look like shit so. Let’s go Lincoln.” _

 

_ She watches as Octavia turns on her heel and storms out of the office, followed by a hesitant Lincoln who manages to throw her an apologetic look before exiting.  _

*

 

Thinking back to that whirlwind of an evening she can’t help but replay Octavias words. He was right, they were better off without her. That's what Octavia had said right, they were doing “fantastic”. “No one wants you”, she hadn’t fully believed him, but it had to be true. Had the depth of their friendship been a fabrication of her mind? While she hadn't thought she was still holding on to some hope of eventually seeing her friends again, it was clear now she had been just by the sinking feeling in her stomach. It didn’t matter, it was all her fault anyway. She did this to herself.

 

“She never wants to see me again.”

 

“It sounds like she may have been overwhelmed. Seeing you again so out of the blue was probably a lot to process and people tend to lash out and hide behind their emotions in these scenarios. She may need time to wrap her head around everything.”

 

“She never says things she doesn’t mean. I deserved it though, I left her after all.”

 

“While it was not your intention to hurt anyone, leaving so abruptly most likely caused some sort upset and confusion. I know before you said you could not tell them because your mother would find you and after hearing that she had someone looking for you, we know she’s been trying, but I feel like there is more to this story. I understand if you were not able to tell them where you were going, but why not tell them you were leaving?”

 

“Ugh, that makes me sound like such a shitty person, which is fair I guess. I just- you wouldn’t understand. I didn’t understand.”

 

“Perhaps, but why don’t you walk through it again with all of the details and we’ll see where that leads.”

 

“I don’t know where to start.”

 

“You mentioned leaving school, let’s work around that.”

 

“That’s not even the beginning but okay. I was in the last semester of my junior year of undergrad.”

 

“And you were studying to become a doctor?”

 

“Yep, Bio-medical. I had already been accepted to a few different med schools even though I hadn’t taken the exam or sent out applications.”

 

“Really? How did you manage that?”

 

“My mother is good at getting what she wants.”

 

“Until you decided to leave. So, could you not switch majors?”

 

“I tried a few times, I even sent transcripts to another school, but every time my request was denied. And I didn’t have money to just start over, well I would have if I had just waited a few months.”

 

“You believe your mother stopped your transfers? What would have changed if you had waited?”

 

“I have no doubt, she has a lot of influence over the school boards with all the funding and guest lectures she does. I only had to wait until I turned twenty one and then I would have gained access to the fund my dad had set up. Six more months and she wouldn’t have been able to hold it over my head anymore.”

 

“So what led you to leaving when you did?” The question she was trying to work around, but ultimately everything led back to it. 

 

“I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

 

“Could not take what?” The pain.

 

“Just…her having control.”

 

“Nothing happened?” of course something happened.

 

“Nope.”

 

“You were not able to just leave school and stay with your friends?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?” she had to protect them.

 

“She would find me. I couldn’t go back.”

 

“How would she make you come back?”

 

“She has her ways.”

 

“Clarke, did your mother ever hurt you?”

 

“Pfft wha- no, no of course not!” 

 

“Then what ways did she have?”

 

“You know, she was just persuasive.”

 

“Could you elaborate?”

 

“No.”

 

“It is hard to move forward if you are still holding on to something heavy.”

 

“I’m not holding on to anything.”

 

“No?”

 

“What do you want me to say?”

 

“I do not want you to say anything you don’t want to. This is about you and working through your decision. I simply feel there is more to what you are saying.”

 

Of course there was more, but she thought she had gotten over it. Sure she still remembered occasionally and if she thought about it now, it certainly would explain how easy she fell into it with him, but she never truly acknowledged it. It was just something that happened, a part of her life that she thought she got rid of, but only ended up doing it all over again even if the situation was different. How could she be so stupid?

 

“Saying it out loud makes it true.”

 

“Makes what true?”

 

“What she did.”

 

“And what was that?”

 

“What you said.”

 

“What did I say?”

 

“No.”

 

“Clarke”

 

“I can’t”

 

“I know this is hard but-”

 

“She beat me okay?! Are you happy now? I said it and I know you’re going to tell me that’s why I let Finn beat me too and I don’t want to hear it.”

 

“I was not going to say that, that situation was not in your control, you did not give him the power and it is still not your fault. How long was your mother violent?”

 

“Um, it started a little after my dad died and then up until I left...so four years I guess?”

 

“And you did not tell anyone and no one suspected anything?”   
  


“Not many people would have believed me, she’s got a good facade and it’s not like there was much evidence. She’s a doctor, she knows where and what will give the most harm without leaving a mark.” she tries to sound indifferent and even adds a shrug at the end, but she can hear the quiver of her voice and feel the prickling in her eyes as the tears start to form.

 

“Was there something specific that happened before it started?”

 

“Uh..not really? I mean after my dad, I think she realized she would have to spend more time with me. Because really my dad raised me and I think once she figured out I wasn’t the ideal image of the daughter she wanted. I never hid who I was though, she only noticed because she had to be there.”

 

“What did she notice?”

 

“That I had a girlfriend and for a whole year, who had constantly been over at our house and she had never noticed.”

 

“Your mother is homophobic?”

 

“Only when it comes to me. I told her I was bi and she told me I was confused, but she didn’t say I had to pick one or the other, she said I just had to find the right boy. She even sent me to a reform school for a semester, I think the first time she hit me was when I got suspended for getting caught with another student.”

 

“Is that why your mother set you up with sons of her colleagues?”

 

“Yeah, then they already had her approval, but it always turned into a business deal and she took it too far.”

 

“Are you referring to you leaving?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“What happened?”

 

“She set me up with another guy and I went along with it not thinking it was any different.”

 

“How was it different?’

 

“Before the gala she told me how important the impression I made was because his father was a large part of a possible merger the hospital wanted and I needed to make sure he enjoyed himself. The galas are pretty simple in terms of agenda, dinner, speeches and then dancing, so I didn’t see how that was going to be a problem. Only this guy is like at least ten years older than me and a major sleaze. The whole night he kept trying to come on to me and get me to leave with him.”

 

“Did you tell your mother about it?”

 

“I told her how uncomfortable he made me and what he was doing and she told me “  _ I have a lot riding on this, I told you to make sure he had a good time by whatever means necessary, do not mess this up for me”  _ and that’s when I finally realized she didn’t care about me at all.”

 

“What did you do after that?”

 

“I told her I was done being her puppet and I was leaving. That’s when she grabbed me and I fell and hit my head on the bathroom counter. All she did was make sure I wasn’t bleeding so it wouldn’t cause a scene and she told me I had no money and nowhere to go, she owned me and I was going to go back in there and finish what I started.”

 

“And did you?”

 

“I grabbed a bottle of champagne and I walked out the front door.”

 

“Where did you go?”

 

“The pier. I sat on the end and tried to drink away the pain in my head. My dad would always tell me that pain was good because it meant you were still alive, but I don’t think he knew the truth of it. I was in constant pain and I just wanted it to stop and I just wanted to see him again and get away from my mother. And I just thought how easy it would be to just...”

 

“What made you change your mind? Do you still have those thoughts?”

 

“No, not anymore. I got a text from Raven, one of my best friends. It was stupid really, it didn’t have any meaning, but it made me think of her. I realized it would hurt less if I just left, so I went home, packed a bag, emptied out the safe and what little money I had in my bank account, went to the airport and left. I spent the first two weeks here in a hotel until I found a job and a cheaper place to live.”

 

“If a message from your friend helped lead to your decision, why not tell them you were leaving?”

 

“I knew they would try to stop me or help me if I explained everything and I couldn’t let them be ruined by my mother.”

 

“You can’t carry every burden on your own. I understand you have a need to protect people, but you have to take care of yourself as well. I also think that if Octavia contacts you, or if you try to reach out to her you should try telling her what you told me, in whatever capacity you are comfortable with.”

 

\------

 

And that is what she was going to do, or try to do. She had asked Lexa for Octavias number and had spent three days trying to figure out what to write before she sent a message. It had now been another two and she had yet to hear back.

Lexa was currently and had told her she hadn’t seen Octavia that week but Lincoln said he would try to get her to come around. So that’s how she found herself alone, with another bottle of vodka contemplating everything. Octavia showing up through her for a loop and that led to her talking about her mother, which is something she swore she would never do. Once again her head was spinning and her mood had definitely taken a hit. While the alcohol certainly wasn’t helping those aspects, it gave her some sort of control over what she felt.

 

“I’m not going to have to start taking you to AA meetings am I?”

 

She was so caught up in thoughts and an alcohol induced haze she didn’t realize how much time had passed or hear Lexa come in.

“Nope, perfectly under control.”

 

“Have you eaten anything today?”

 

“Mm I don’t know what time is it?”

 

“Seven.”

 

“Wow, where did the time go huh?”

 

“There are leftovers in the fridge, I’ll start heating them up while you actually get up.”

 

“I am perfectly capable of feeding myself.”

 

“Jury is still out on that one and today's evidence doesn’t go in your favor.”

 

“I’m the one that actually cooks out of the two of us.”

 

“True and yet here you are, no food.”

 

“I didn’t feel like eating.”

 

“Hey, she’ll come around”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“Lincoln told me she’s been having a staring contest with her phone. He knows she wants to talk to you, but you know how stubborn she is.”

 

“Yeah, she is. Did you tell Lincoln?”

 

“Tell him what? About you? Nothing more than you were a friend that was moving in with me.”

 

“He just seemed to know, that day in your office.”

 

“He’s pretty intuitive. I’m sure he pieced together, our move here and Anya helping and little social cues.”

 

“But you didn’t tell him?”

 

“No, I didn’t. Not my place to say anything. You believe me right?”

 

“Believe is made up of lie.”

 

“Um okay, I’ve never looked at it that way. Do you trust me?”

 

“I don’t know if I trust anyone anymore.”

 

“Alright, well I don’t break promises and I promise I didn’t tell Lincoln or anyone else, besides the little I told Anya, anything. Now let’s get you fed”

 

“I really hope she responds.”

 

“She will”

 

\----------

 

And she does, a week later, but she will take what she can get. 

 

Octavia had sent her a time and place and that’s how she found herself sitting on a bench at Grounders, tapping her foot incessantly while she waited for the other girl to arrive. It didn’t take long and Octavia showed up and simply motioned at her to be followed. 

 

The went back to the sparring room and she took a seat in one of the spare chairs while Octavia tapped her wrists. She didn’t know what to expect but she sure as hell wasn’t going to have it out with Octavia. That’s when the latter started going at the punching bag. Now she was more confused and a tad annoyed, what was going on? She didn’t know what to do or how to start so she asked something else.

 

“So you and Lincoln?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“How did y-”

 

“Not here to talk about me.”

“Is Raven here?”

 

“Nope and not here to talk about her either.”

 

“Are you going to keep doing that?”

 

“Yep”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Look I’m only here because Lincoln told me I should hear you out.”

 

“I’m not going to tell you if you don’t want to hear it. I can just go.”

 

“Yeah you’re good at that.”

 

“Alright obviously you’re not ready so I’m ju-”

 

“No, no I want to hear it okay? I’m allowed to be mad at you, I am mad at you, just tell me.”

 

“Okay”

 

And so she did. She started from the beginning with her mother, leading up to the night of the gala, her leaving, and ending with everything with Finn. Octavia had stopped punching midway through her talking, but had yet to look away from the bag.

 

“So as shitty as I was for leaving, I just didn’t want you guys involved in it and maybe I could have handled it better but that’s how it happened.”

 

“Dammit Clarke! I’m supposed to be mad! We’re your friends you should have told us! We could have helped you!”

 

“Then she would have ruined your lives.”

 

“That doesn’t matter, you shouldn’t have gone through it alone how you did. How did we not see it? Shit Raven was right.”

 

“Right about what?”

  
  


“She kept defending you and saying something bad must have happened for you to just up and leave like that. She always took your side even when you weren’t there. I never would have thought Abby would...how horrible are we that we didn’t notice?”

 

“What, no no I was really good at hiding it, you guys made it better.”

 

“Still. So what are you going to do?” Octavia finally turns to look at her and she can see the shine and emotion in the other girl’s eyes.

 

“About what?”

 

“Your mom? That Finn guy?”

 

“My mom hasn’t found me and I’m going to make sure it stays that way and as for Finn, I have an order of protection in place.”

 

“That’s it? He’s already broken it though!”

 

“I don’t think I could handle going to court.”

 

“This is bullshit, they should both pay.”

 

“I just want to move past everything.”

 

“Where’s the justice in that?!”

 

“That’s not what this is about, I could barely handle a mock up with Anya, I need to do what’s best for me.”

 

“This is so unfair, I have to call Raven.”

 

“You can’t tell her”

 

“What why not?”

 

“I just mean, I think it should come from me is all.”

 

“Hmm well I’m sure she has some vacation days built up and I sure as hell know she not going to be able to not do something when she hears.”

 

“Which is why it’s better coming from me than you.”

 

“Fine, I’ll call her later, tell her to make a trip over here.” 

 

“Alright, good. Um is there anything else you want to know?”

 

“There is one thing.”

 

“Yeah? What’s that?”

 

“You and Lexa.”

 

“What about me and Lexa?”

 

“What’s going on there?”

 

“I’m really not sure what you’re getting at”

 

“Sure you don’t, okay I’ll drop it for now. Now get in here.” Octavia gives her a smirk while opening her arms.

 

“Yeah right, you’re all sweaty.”

 

“I don’t care, we haven’t hugged in almost three years, get over here.”

  
She tries to keep a look of disgust on her face and hold back her smile, but fails as she finds herself being embraced by her best friend. And little by little all of her previous thoughts surrounding her friendships and worth are chipped away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I appreciate you all and any comments given. Let me know if there is something/someone you want to see! x
> 
> Enter Raven Reyes


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I kept my promise!   
> Some friendly Clexa and then the reunion.

“I can tell you're holding back” She huffs out before taking another side step to her right 

 

“I'm trying to teach you, not break you”

 

“Please? I wanna see what you're capable of”

 

“That isn't the point of this, why don't we move on to defensive actions”

 

“Noo come on! Why won't you show me huh? Can't actually d- ompf” She gasps out as she suddenly finds herself sprawled out on the mat. She glares up at a smug looking Lexa. 

 

“Happy? Although that wasn't very impressive, you make it too easy when you get distracted.” Lexa holds out a hand out to her and she grunts before reaching out to take it. That's when another idea pops into her head and she's grasps onto the extended wrist and tries to drag the other girl down. Which she's sure would have worked if Lexa weren't so freakishly agile.

 

“You're going to have to try a lot harder than that to knock me over. I can teach you some take downs and removals if you want though. It's all about weight placement.”

 

“Yeah yeah, you don’t have to be so cocky about it. Can you do the thing where you flip someone over?”

 

“I’ve never really come across a situation where that was needed but yes, it’s actually pretty simple.”

 

“Can you show me?”

 

“I am not flipping you!”

 

“You’re no fun”

 

“Fine, I’ll go get Lincoln if you wanna learn so badly.”

 

She practices a few elbow jabs on the bag while she waits for Lexa to come back. Over the past few weeks Lexa has been teaching her self defense and sparring to help rid some of her pent up emotions and stress and help her feel less helpless. While she was never someone who enjoyed voluntary exercise, she found the whole thing to be cathartic and it lessened the imaginary weight that seemed to be holding her down. Ever since she opened up to Niylah and talked to Octavia her nightmares were back tenfold. She usually ended up going back to sleep wrapped in a blanket on top of Lexa’s bed, it somehow helped to have the other girl in close proximity. And while she couldn’t do much to get the images out of her mind she could pretend to fight her demons during these sparring sessions and so far it was working.

 

“Okay Linc has kindly agreed to assist me in this demonstration.” Lexa’s voice pulls her back to reality and she watches the other two walk to the center of the mat and gives Lincoln a small wave.

 

“Can you actually do it with him? Isn’t he like three times your size?”

 

“I don’t think it’s nearly that much, but either way it’s a good example. Like I said it’s about the use of your weight, not the size of your opponent. Anyways, if someone grabs you from behind” Lexa begins and Lincoln wraps his arms around her “and you can get one of their arms above your shoulder like this” She demonstrates by shifting and angling her body under Lincoln’s grasp “you want to grab their forearm, right above the wrist with your opposite arm and the spot where their head connects with their neck with your other and then you turn your body as you bend over and pull like this” She watches Lexa grab onto Lincoln and within seconds he’s flat on his back in front of her letting out a low groan.

 

“So cool! Can I try?”

 

“Sure, but I’ll be your attacker, we don’t want to beat up LInc too much.”

 

“I would almost think you were being nice if you didn’t look so smug right now. I’m still going to take my leave now though, but don’t think I couldn’t take you Lex!” He throws over his shoulder as walks out with a slightly stiffer posture than what he came in with.

 

“Alright Lexa, come at me”

 

\------

 

“I’ve been thinking more about where I would be able to work. At first I thought about trying to get my old job back, but I then I realized he goes there and that ruled that out and I don’t think I really want to be a waitress again. Too many people staring at me and I don’t think I’m ready for all of that interaction”

“Hm well it’s good to know your comfort level. You know you don’t have to get a job yet if you’re not ready, I told you I’ve got it covered.”

 

“And while I appreciate that it’s making me feel useless, no matter what how many times you tell me I’m not. Plus that’s like how it was before, okay it’s different, but still. I want to get out more and be independent and in control of my life and make my own money again.”

 

“Fair enough, well you could always work at Grounders or my friend Luna owns a bookstore and bakery and could always use the help, that way you know it’s a good place. That wouldn’t require a ton of interaction and you could like design stuff with icing, and you’d probably get sweets as a bonus.”

 

“You just have friends in every type of business don’t you? I don’t think Grounders would be a good fit for me. Plus I think that would be a little weird, especially if you’d be my boss. That sounds like something I would be good at. Is your friend really looking for someone?”

 

“I was just throwing it out there, I can be totally professional by the way. I get it though, you don’t want to see this face more than you have to.”

 

“What? No, no, is that what I made it seem like? That’s, that’s not what I mean, I-”

 

“Hey woah, I was joking! I’m sorry, no I didn’t take it that way at all! Um to answer your other question though, yes she is looking to hire someone and if you want we can swing by there tomorrow or sometime this week to see the place and so you could meet her.”

 

“Sorry, I should’ve known you were joking. Sorry for overreacting. I think I’d like to do that, if that’s okay. I have to check with Octavia to see when Raven gets in though, I told her I’d meet them after.”

 

“You have nothing to apologize for, I’m told my sense of humor is not always well executed. Let me know when and I’ll set something up. How are you feeling about seeing your friend again?”

 

“Nervous? I’m anxious, because even though Octavia said Raven was on my side I still don’t know how it’s going to be and she’s a very extreme person.”

 

“I’ve met her once so I can agree with you from what I’ve witnessed. And from what you’ve told me you guys had a really close relationship. I’m not saying it will be instantaneous, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you got that back.”

 

“I hope so, I’ve really missed it.”

 

They spent the rest of their evening talking about lighter topics and eventually watched another documentary on Netflix before going to bed. Usually on days that she works out, she’s so exhausted that she barely registers her nightmares. That doesn’t seem to be the case for tonight when she wakes up panting in a cold sweat. She doesn’t feel like she’ll be able to fall asleep anytime soon and no matter how many times she’s told otherwise she still feels guilty for ruining Lexa’s sleep schedule. So instead of going into the other’s bedroom, she decides to make some calming tea and hopefully settle her heartrate soon. 

 

When she’s back in her room, her mind hasn’t shut down at all and she knows if she tries to go back to sleep like this she’ll be awake again soon. The images are still circling in her mind and she just wants them to leave. She glances around the room for something to distract herself when her eyes land on the easel in the corner. She still had yet to use it; she hadn’t really felt inspired and when she had felt the itch to, she could never come up with anything to paint so she didn’t. 

 

Now though, that might be the best way to relax, make the images real and hopefully empty her overflowing mind. So she walked over, picked up and brush and opened up some tubes of paint. In that moment it was like a switch turned on and she went into autopilot. Stroke after stroke, colors appeared and the canvas in front of her came to life. She lost herself in the rhythmic movements of her brush and barely noticed how much time went by, until a voice brought her back to reality.

 

“Woah.”

 

She turns to find Lexa standing in her doorway, hand raised as if she was going to knock, mouth slightly parted, and eyes wide in what looked like awe.

 

“Oh um, hi, this is...I was just...I’m sorry did I wake you?”

 

“What? No, no, it’s already after eight. Have you been up all night? This is amazing, I just- wow. I know you told me you painted but wow.”

 

“Oh uh thank you, I couldn’t go back to sleep and I figured this would help. Is that really the time?” She asked and snapped Lexa’s focus back from her painting.

 

“Yeah, I was coming to see what you wanted for breakfast. We don’t have much, I was planning on going to the store while you’re with your friends. Jeez I can’t get that, it’s incredible, you’re incredible.. I mean you are really talented, I’ve never felt something from looking at art before.”

 

“Well um, thanks” she was getting slightly uncomfortable from the praise and attention she was receiving. No one had been that taken before, besides her dad. Her friends had told her she was good, but the look on Lexa’s face was something she hadn’t seen before. “I’m not too hungry right now, I might just grab an apple and see if I can sleep a little more before I go.”

 

“That’s probably a good idea, it doesn’t look like you got much sleep, just remember write down anything you want from the store before you leave. Are you going to be back for dinner?”

 

“I will. I think so, I kind of want to ease back into everything, so I think we’re just doing lunch and hanging out. I probably won’t feel up for making something though, so I was thinking take out if that’s alright with you?” 

 

“Of course, maybe I’ll even attempt to make something.”

 

“Let’s stick to take out tonight.”

 

“Hey I know how to make a pasta dish!”

 

“Kraft Mac ’n ’cheese does not count.”

 

“You’d be surprised by how many people mess that up. I’m quite proud of myself.”

 

“Alright, but can we stick with take out tonight?”

 

“Yeah, yeah whatever you want, I’ll dazzle you with my skills another day. I think I’m going to head out for a run now. Make sure you get some sleep, I’ll see you later”

 

\-----

 

She was waiting in the parking lot by Octavias car, knowing that the crowds of the airport would only overwhelm her and she didn’t want to have a panic attack in front of her friends. She was still nervous about seeing Raven again, but she was also excited. She had really missed her and the three of them always being together. While she had patched things up with Octavia, she still felt like things between them were rocky. They hadn’t really seen each other much and though they sent each other texts throughout the day, it didn’t feel like it was before. She knew it wouldn’t be that easy but a part of her had been holding onto that idea, she just hoped it was easier with Raven. 

 

She was suddenly startled from her thoughts when two arms wrapped around her from behind. Her panic overtook any rational thought and before she could think better of it she grabbed her would be attackers forearm and threw them over her shoulder.

 

“What the fu- ow! Shit, Clarke what the hell!” Her eyes widen when she sees Raven sprawled out in front of her rubbing head with a scowl on her face, while Octavia is doubled over from laughing so hard.

 

“Oh my god Raven! I am so sorry! Oh my god I can’t believe- I’m so sorry! Oh god, I’ve already messed this up, I’m really-”

 

“Sorry, yeah I get it. If I wasn’t so butthurt right now I’d tell you how badass that was. Now are you going to keep apologizing or are you going to help me up?” It’s only then she notices the brace around her friends leg that had definitely not been there when she left.

 

“Oh my god Raven are you okay? What happened?”

 

“I’m pretty sure I’m the one that just hit my head, did you forget you just she hulked me? Oh you mean the leg? Crushed my knee in a car accident, hurts like a bitch but still works.”

 

She knows Ravens trying to joke about it and make it not seem like a big deal, but it only makes her feel guilty. She wasn’t there when her friend had been in an accident. She hadn’t been there for her. While she knows she had know way of knowing about it, it still adds to her growing list of how bad of a friend she’s been.

 

“So you just going to stand there and stare? Where’s my hug princess?” She cringes and her body flinches at the nickname. She forgot that’s what her friends called her and now she has to calm herself down because she can already feel her breathing and heart rate pick up and she doesn’t want to look weak in front of them.

 

“Please don’t call me that.” She tries to say evenly and maybe somewhat jokingly, but she can hear the plea in her own voice.

 

“What? Princess?”

 

She grits her teeth and starts taking deeper breaths, she has to stay focused. “Yes”

 

“I always called you that though.”

 

“Well I would really appreciate it if you didn’t.”

 

Raven must have sensed her mood change because she doesn’t question it further and they finally embrace each other, after she promised not to flip Raven over again. Soon enough Octavia joins in and she feels a piece of her old self click back into place and her earlier nerves and panic melt away.

 

She still has to, or at least wants to tell Raven everything. They end up going back to Octavias apartment, who she learns lives with Lincoln. It’s a nice place, with a good view of the skyline and the everything about it seems to fit the couple’s personalities well. 

 

She doesn’t want to jump right into everything, mainly because she doesn’t want to bring the mood down or focus the attention on herself so she decides to try to catch herself up on her friends lives. 

 

“So, you live in Dallas now? What’s that like?”

 

“Oh don’t even get me started, seriously once you’re in Texas it’s like you’re in some other country. So not my thing. Hopefully it’s temporary though, I’m about to finish my two year bio-tech engineering internship and unless they offer me a job I can’t refuse and a lot of money, I’m out of there by the end of the summer.”

 

“Wow that sounds, fancy. I don’t know much about Texas, it can’t be too bad though. Where would you go then? Back to California?”

 

“Nah, it’s not that it’s bad. It’s a really nice state for the most part and Dallas is just a speck compared to everything else, it’s hot and not where I see myself. I don’t think I’d go back to Cali, there isn’t anything there for me in the career department anyways.”

 

“What about Wick? Are you guys not together anymore?”

 

“Oh damn, you’ve been gone a long time. No, no we most definitely are not together anymore.”

 

“Oh..I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be, it’s kinda funny how it went down when I think about it now. Turns out he was sleeping with some other girl. I probably wouldn’t have found out if he hadn’t knocked her up.”

 

“Oh my god that’s awful!”

 

“Raven you forgot the best part! Clarke, Kyle even had the balls to suggest they could all work it out. Didn’t he say something like, you’re bi, she’s bi, you’re both hot, why not? Or something like that to start some twisted version of a poly relationship?” Octavia butts in after setting down the pizza they ordered.

 

“Oh yes, yes he did. I did not stick around to hear the other girls thoughts on the matter, but I will agree she was hot.” Raven adds with a cheeky grin.

 

“Still that’s an awful position to be in, I know you loved him.”

 

“Eh, sure I said I did, but I wasn’t that broken afterwards so it couldn’t have been much. I’m a lot happier now just doing my own thing. What about you pri- Clarke? Did you run away to be with mister or misses tall dark and handsome?”

 

She knows it was said in a playful manner, but it still makes her stomach drop and makes her feel like she wants to throw up. She’s hoping talking about it will make her guilt lessen and the horrible thoughts associated with everything go away. She has now found a new meaning to the “dark” part of that phrase. She chances a glance at Octavia, who is not so subtly glaring at a slice of pizza, but when her gaze is felt she looks up and gives her a look that conveys her support. 

 

“Um not exactly, I did meet someone when I moved here though but-”

 

“Oo, getting to the juicy bits, alright. Did you u-haul it? I don’t see a ring bu-”

 

“Raven!” Octavia cuts her off and shoots her a warning look, that has the other girl back down with a confused look on her face.

 

“It’s alright O, I’m fine. Besides wanting to see you, the other reason I asked Octavia to invite you here was to kind of explain myself. Even though I thought and to some point still believe I did the right thing, I was still an awful friend for leaving like I did. I already told Octavia, but I still owe you that explanation. I’m not looking for pity or even understanding, I just want you to know why.” She looks over at her friend, that has taken a serious looking position with the mood switch and who gives her a nod to say she has her full attention and to continue.

 

“The reason I left was my mother and one of the reasons I stayed out of contact with you guys, was a guy named Finn.”

 

She then proceeds to tell Raven everything that happened up to this point, only sparring some details that are still too hard to voice out loud. When she’s done, her friend is pacing around the room, while Octavia has moved to sit next to her offering silent support.

 

“Is he still at your old place? I need the address.”

 

“What why? You can’t go over there.”

 

But Raven isn’t listening, only muttering things like “an electrical issue” and “no no a gas leak is more believable”, seeming to be lost in concocting some sort of hazardous plan, before Octavia brings her back.

 

“Raven you can’t do something explosive or not, to that apartment.”

 

“Why not?! I may not be able to give Abby a piece of this brilliant mind but there’s nothing stopping me here.”

 

“Because other people live there!”

 

“I could make it an isolated event. A tiny spark, a small boom, nothing detrimental to the other inhabitants.”

 

“Raven, no.”

 

“You’re no fun O, Clarke you’re with me on this right?”

 

“Um, I think I’m going to side with Octavia on this one. There are some really nice people that live there.”

 

“Boo you guys. What about his car? No one lives in that.”

 

“He loves his car.”

 

“That’s perfect! A few misconnected wires and boom goes the engine!”

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea Rae. I don’t want to make him mad and that sounds fairly illegal.”

 

“Oh come on guys! It’s not like he could trace it back to you or any of us and he deserves to pay! It’s not like I’d be causing him bodily harm, we can leave that up to you Kung fu panda, only his precious car would suffer! I’ll make it look like an accident!”

 

“How about we table this idea for now before we do anything rash and catch Clarke up on the gossip of our other friends?” Octavia suggests

  
“Excuse you, it would not be rash. It will be a well thought out and executed plan, thank you very little. But fine let’s change the topic, I need time to gather supplies anyways and to find his car since I feel like that information won’t be forthcoming.” Raven grumbles before the conversation turns to a less explosive topic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What'd you think of Raven's entrance? Are you ready to see her wrath? 
> 
> Let me know what you think and if there is something you want to see, I appreciate all of you! Thanks for reading. x


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This originally was a lot longer and had a whole different direction to it, but since it's the end of Clexa week I thought I would change it up a bit. So it's a filler chapter with a lot of Clexa, but it's kind of different from what I usually write.

The following Monday finds her sitting in the car with Lexa outside of “Sweet Escapes: Bakery and Books”. She’s been staring at the front of the building for twenty minutes now and still has no intentions of leaving the car. They had purposefully left their apartment early because she knew she was going to need time to process. As much as she wants to live her own life and do things for herself, she’s never really done it. It’s an exhilarating feeling, but it also scares the hell out of her. She’s still nervous about meeting new people and the fact that getting a job means she has the ability to disappoint said people. No matter how many times Lexa told her that she would be great or how nice Luna was, her doubts always won over. 

 

“If at any point you feel uncomfortable or don’t think it’s the right fit for you we’ll leave.”

 

“I’m uncomfortable now.”

 

“Which is understandable, but I think you might change your mind once we go in.”

 

“Mm I don’t know about that.”

 

“We still have ten minutes before she’s expecting us. If you still don’t want to by then, we’ll go.”

 

Twelve minutes later they are both walking through the front door of the shop. She is immediately hit by the sweet scent of fresh baked goods. The mix of cinnamon, chocolate and something fruity overcome her, but there is also the lingering smell of aged parchment and strangely it all blends well together. She finds the atmosphere and accompanying smells relaxing the remaining nerves she had. She takes in her surroundings; the main store area is relatively small, five bookshelves line up on one side of the room with shelves along the walls as well, two small tables divide the area, with a display case filled with sweets and a counter on the other side and a door that she assumes leads to the kitchen. The door swings open and a woman with flower smudged cheeks makes her way towards them. 

 

“Lexa! It’s so good to see you, it’s been way too long.” Luna exclaims as she engulfs the other girl into a hug.

 

“It really has, but you’ve been busy now that your shop’s picked up and I can’t always come here or you’d be rolling me out.”

 

“Trust me I know you’re weakness for my meringue kisses. Sorry I’ve missed the last few outings, but you’re right about the increase in demand. All of my free time goes into this place, which is why I’m really looking forward to hiring your friend here.” Luna says and turns towards her. “Excuse my initial lack of introduction, hello I’m Luna, I take it you’re Clarke?”

 

“Uh, yes, it’s nice to meet you Luna. Everything here looks and smells incredible.” 

 

“Oh thank you! I’ll give you some samples to try later. So Clarke, what kind of experience do you have in baking and store management?”

 

“Well I worked the register sometimes at the diner I used to work at, so I know a little about that. As for the baking, I know how to make a few things, but my uh knowledge is probably limited.”

 

“Alright, Lexa tells me you’re an artist. Have you ever decorated with icing?”

 

“Um, no, I haven’t.” Suddenly all of her nerves were back. Surely she was going to be judged for not being adequate enough. The thought of getting rejected by someone new and in front of Lexa, whose opinion of her would definitely change after that, terrified her.

 

“Alright, that’s no problem. I’ll just start you off with stocking and sales, while I teach you some basics and show you how to use the equipment. You look like you’ll catch on fast though so I’m not worried.” she must have heard that wrong, because it sounds a lot like- 

 

“Wait. Does that mean you’re hiring me?”

 

“Of course! That was always my intention. You seem like a good person, Lexa tells me you are and I trust her. Plus I could really use the help. When can you start?”

 

“Really? Thank you! I can start whenever, tomorrow even. Thank you so much.”

 

“Great, this is so exciting! We’ll get the paperwork filled out and have your apron ready for tomorrow.” And with that Luna bounces off into the back room.

 

“See I told you, you had nothing to worry about.” She turns to see Lexa giving her a smug smile.

 

“Is that why you left me to fend for myself?”

 

“I figured it was something you’d want to do by yourself, besides Luna isn’t someone you have to defend yourself from. After you’re done signing everything we can go out for a celebratory dinner.”

 

“I can finally say I’ll cover the next one.”

 

“Not if we’re celebrating you, you’re not. Now let’s make sure Luna hasn’t forgotten about us, I’m hungry.”

 

\---------

 

The next day she was able to quell her nerves faster and was actually looking forward to her first day. When she had arrived everything happened faster than she had time to process. Luna had given her, her apron and quick rundown of how the shop should be run and then left her to her own devices stating she had a large event delivery that would take most of the afternoon. 

 

There weren’t many customers, with it being a Tuesday morning, but a few people came in to swap out books or buy a pastry during a work break. She found herself liking the calmness of the shop and the pleasant interactions she’s had with the customers so far. She knew it wouldn’t always be like that, but even then she looked forward to the chaos and learning more about decorating techniques. She never figured herself a baker, but watching Luna pipe finishing touches that morning seemed so relaxing. Her attention was pulled to the front of the shop when the bells on the door chimed.

 

“Excuse us miss, but would you be so kind as to recommend the most bad-ass cupcake you have to offer?”

 

“What are you guys doing here?” She can’t help the blinding smile that breaks out on her face when she sees her friends standing in front of her.

 

“Like we’d miss your first day. Plus I wanted to show you something.” Raven explains, but she catches the mischievous look in the other girl’s eyes. 

 

“Yeah, you’d be shocked to know that Raven didn’t listen to a word we said. How are the cannolis?” Octavia’s attention more focused on fogging up the display glass than the actual conversation.

 

“Everything here is amazing, you really can’t go wrong. What didn’t you listen to us about Rae?”

 

“Oh you know, exacting revenge and what not.” Raven’s responds nonchalantly, but her lips are curled in a sly smirk.

 

“Please tell me you didn’t.”

 

“Of course I did!” 

 

“And what did you do exactly? Or do I not want to know?”

 

“Oh trust me you’re gonna wanna see this!” Raven just about squeals as she takes out her phone.

 

“I’m working Raven.”

 

“Yeah and your boss is gone, no one’s here but us. Come on Clarke!”

 

She takes another look around, even though she knows the shop is empty. She sighs before holding out her hand to a giddy Raven for the phone. 

 

She clicks play and sees the parking lot of her old apartment complex and then the camera focuses on a car she knows too well. Nothing happens for the first two minutes of the video, until she sees Finn walk into the corner of the frame. Then everything happens at once and she doesn’t know what to focus on, the car or Finn. Smoke starts pouring out of the front of the car and immediately Finn bolts for it. Before he reaches it the hood pops open and sparks start flying out of it. Finn’s face is morphing between shock, anger, and a kid who got his candy taken away, as he looks from his car to his surroundings, trying to figure out what’s happening. He starts pulling at his hair, still not doing anything to stop the firework show that’s being displayed in front of him. Once the sparks stop, he assesses the damage and that’s when he starts kicking the now useless car and strings of curses leave his mouth. Raven can be heard trying to muffle her laughter before the video cuts out.

 

“Oh Clarke, you should have been there! I’m pretty sure he started crying after I stopped filming, it was amazing.”

 

“Raven I asked you not to do anything.” While some part of her, okay most of her, got enjoyment out of the whole thing and she had to contain expressing that in front of Raven, it still made her feel uneasy.

 

“Nuh uh, you asked me not to blow anything up. As you have seen, no bombs were used in the making of this video.”

 

“It looked pretty explosive to me.”

 

“A few homemade fireworks, that happened to have fried or melted anything important in the car hardly fall into that category.”

 

“Yeah relax Clarke, even I thought it was funny and no one got hurt so technically she did listen to us.” Octavia muffles out through a mouth full of cannoli,

 

“Exactly! Now what time are you done? The three of us are doing a girls night at your place!”

 

“I’m done at four, but I’ll have to check with Lexa before you guys come and disturb her peaceful night.”

 

“Lexa won’t even be there and besides she wouldn’t care anyways. Come on I’m only here for a few more days”

 

“How do you know she won’t be there? She didn’t tell me she had something.”

 

“Probably because she forgot, Lincoln told me that they’re having drinks tonight to smooze some investors.” 

 

“Oh, okay. Girls night it is, I can pick up some food after work?”

 

“Nah, don’t worry about it, we’ll take care of everything as long as you provide the Netflix.”

 

“I mean it’s Lexa’s account.”

 

“Semantics, you’re allowed to use it, you live there, it’s yours, we’re gonna use it.”

 

Just then a customer walks in and Octavia and Raven leave after buying a few more baked goods and telling her they’d be over by six. 

 

The rest of her shift is uneventful, Luna returns shortly before she’s done and thanks her for taking on so much the first day and promising to let her try her hand in decorating the next day. 

 

She heads back to her apartment and has just over an hour before her friends show up. She throws some extra blankets onto the couch and puts the box of cookies Luna gave her on the coffee table before taking a quick shower.

 

When she opens the door shortly after six, she’s met with the sight of Raven loaded down with bags of food and pizza boxes and Octavia balancing different packs of drinks while trying to text someone on her phone.

 

“Sup babe, long time no see, did’ya miss us? Of course you did”

 

“It’s always good to see you Rae, let me help you out there.”

 

They dump everything on the table before they take their positions on the couch; she and Octavia occupy the ends facing each other, while Raven sprawls out on top of them.

 

“God you have so many recommended documentaries, I didn’t know Lexa was that much of a nerd. Hmm I haven’t finished Jessica Jones, but I think we should save that for later and pick something we don’t need to pay attention to, to start with.” Octavia says as she scrolls through the title screen before selecting a Friends episode. They fall into a comfortable silence as they start eating before Raven breaks it.

 

“Brace yourselves guys. I’ve done some thinking this past week and hold the applause, I decided to apply to a few positions here.”

 

“Are you serious?!” She and Octavia exclaim at the same time.

 

“I’m always serious!”

 

“This is so exciting, we could all be together again! You’re done next month right?” Octavia has moved from her spot and is now practically laying on top of Raven.

 

“Yep, I have to figure out where I’d live though since you both are shacked up.”

 

“I am not shacked up. Octavia is the the only one in a relationship here.”

 

“Sure, sure, you’re still taken, even if you say it’s just roommate wise.”

 

“Whatever, we’ll help you find something.”

 

They move through a few more topics before picking a moving and settling back into their original positions.

 

Octavia and Raven leave around midnight and she decided to stay up to make sure Lexa gets back alright since she hasn’t heard from her. An hour later she’s having a hard time keeping her eyes open and starts to get ready for bed to occupy her time. She’s just about decided to call it a night when her phone rings and Lexa’s number appears.

 

“Lexa?”

 

“Hello, is this Clarke?” A man’s voice comes through and she checks her phone to make sure she saw it correctly.   
  


“Um yes, who’s this?”

 

“My name is Rob, I’m a bartender down at Trikru.”

 

“Okay, is Lexa there?”

 

“Yes, her group left and I can’t convince her to get a cab. She’s been talking about you so I found your name in her contacts. Do you think you could come get her?”

 

“Of course, I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

 

She hangs up, grabs her keys and leaves without changing out of her sleep wear. There’s no traffic at that hour so she makes good time and enters the bar at a little before two in the morning. There aren’t many people there and she instantly spots Lexa resting her head at the bar.

 

“Hey, your girlfriends here.” she hears who she assumes is Rob tell Lexa as he nudges her.

 

“Who-” Lexa turns and spots her “oh I wish” she mumbles loudly before putting her head back down.

 

She walks up and puts her hand on Lexa’s back.

 

“Am I going to have to start taking you to meetings?” She jokes

 

Lexa looks up and she sees the moment comprehension washes over her eyes. “S‘my line.”

 

“You used it once, that doesn’t make it yours. Let’s get you out of here.”

 

“Mm your place or mine?”

 

“Charming, we live in the same place Lex.”

 

“Woah I’m lucky.”

 

“Extremely, since I so kindly came here to get you in the middle of the night.”

 

“You, you did that for me?” She sees awe take over the other girls face

 

“Of course I did, now let’s -”

 

“God you’re beautiful.” Lexa blurts out and she feels a blush rising up her neck as she pulls Lexa’s arm over her shoulder.

 

“You’re drunk.”

 

“So true. I should tell you more” 

 

“Alright, let’s go.”

 

She manages to drag Lexa to her car and gets her strapped in before going around to the other side. She starts driving but feels Lexa staring at her the whole way back and when she chances a glance she sees a large pout adorning her face.

 

“What’s the matter?”

 

“s’not fair.” the other huffs, bottom lip coming even farther out.

 

“What’s not?”

 

“You”

 

“What? I’m not fair?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You’ve lost me Lexa, how am I not fair?”

 

“ ‘cause.”

 

“Can you give me more than one word answers?”

 

“Maybe”

 

“Did I do something?”

 

“No.”

 

“No?”

 

“Kinda.”

 

“I can’t fix it if you don’t talk to me about it.”

 

“nothing to fix”

 

“If I’m doing something you don’t like, I want you to tell me Lexa.”

 

“Mm no, never, perfect you are.”

 

“And you’re delusional. Let’s get you inside.”

 

She barely manages to haul Lexa up the stairs and into their apartment where she not so graciously drops her on her bed. She pulls out some sleep shorts and a shirt and instructs Lexa to change while she grabs a make up removing wipe. When she comes back she’s pleased that the other girl followed her instructions, even if the shirt is on backwards and gently starts wiping her face clean.

 

“You too good to me.” Lexa slurs more through exhaustion now than alcohol.

 

“After everything you’ve done for me, this is nothing.” She says, but notices a frown appear on Lexa’s face.

 

“It’s not fair.”

 

“Back to this now? Are you going to tell me what’s not fair?” She asks again while helping Lexa under the covers.

 

“I was gonna ask you.” she furrows her brows at that

 

“Ask me what?”

 

“But I waited too long.”

 

“Too long for what?”

 

“He asked you first.”

 

“Who? Lexa what are you talking about?”

 

“Shoulda been me.”

 

“Alright Lexa time to go to bed now.” Realizing she’s not getting anywhere with this conversation she pulls the blanket up to Lexa’s chin and walks to the bathroom to grab some advil. When she returns it looks like Lexa’s asleep but before she leaves she hears the last mumbled sentence. She freezes in the door way, trying to process what she just heard and if it means what she thinks it means. 

  
“We coulda been together, it’s not fair.” well, and then there’s that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's that. It's still going to be a slow build/burn but it's out there now. If you don't like the way I did it, I had planned something else for later but wanted to do something for this week. A LOT happens in the next chapter for Clarke, but then all the turmoil will be coming to a close soon. it might be up earlier than sunday since I'm almost done with it.   
> Let me know what you think! I love hearing from you, thanks for reading. xx


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look another chapter! This is the build up to the climax and a lot happens in this chapter. This is the last major break down chapter for Clarke and she has a lot of character building, but after the next chapter she gets to enjoy life a bit.

She's currently painting different styles of boats onto the rolled out fondant in front of her for the opening of the new marina. She came in early and Luna had showed her a few piping techniques before asking her to demonstrate the range of her artistic abilities. She started off with simple designs with the dyes before she moved on to more complex. It took a bit of getting used to but in the end it wasn't that different than her normal painting.Needless to say Luna was impressed and asked her to help finish the decorations for the tomorrow's order. She found it relaxing and it took her mind off of everything else that was happening. Although when mixing greens she couldn't get one shade out her mind no matter how hard she tried. She had ended up texting Raven to meet her for lunch so she could talk to her about it and the other girl's response was immediate. 

 

The few hours before her break seemed to drag on. Even with the unusually high number of customers they got that morning and the cute little girl who described what she wanted her birthday cake to look like, she still felt like she was in a funk. 

 

When her lunch break rolled around she made her way to the cafe down the street where Raven was already waiting for her.

 

“not that I'm not happy to see you but I can't help but think there's a reason you wanted to us to have lunch together besides seeing my pretty face.”

 

“I'm pretty sure Lexa told me she likes me or like me, in more than a friend capacity.” She blurts out

 

“Well what did she say?”

 

She proceeds to tell Raven about the teeth pulling conversation she had with Lexa the night before and what she heard before she left.

 

“She such a sappy mopey drunk, that's gold.”

 

“Are you not surprised by any of this?”

 

“ Not at all, it's fucking obvious how into you she is.”

 

“What? That's not true, I would have noticed.”

 

“Nah she's more reserved around you, but not by much.”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Yep. So anyway did you see her this morning?”

 

She did. She thought she was going to be able to leave before Lexa got up but to her surprise the other girl was already up.

 

*

_ She walked into the kitchen and noticed the coffee was already made and there was a breakfast sandwich waiting on the table for her. _

 

_ “what's this?” She asks the the crumpled figure at the table, who groans and looks up at her. Wincing before giving her a slightly sheepish smile. _

 

_ “I put two and two together to figure out you're the one that got me home last night and I can only imagine what kind of condition I was in given how I feel now” _

 

_ “You weren't looking so hot that's for sure. You don't remember anything?” She asks somewhat hopefully. _

 

_ “the last thing I remember was a stupid conversation and a bet, which I think I won. Anyway I wanted to thank you so I thought I'd make sure to give you a good start to your day since you probably didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Which I'm sorry about. I don't normally drink a lot, especially when it's a work thing but people were saying-” not sure she actually wants to hear the rest of Lexa's explanation she quickly cuts her off. _

 

_ “Lexa it's fine, you don't need to explain yourself to me. Everyone has one of those nights. Thank you for breakfast and having the coffee ready. I'll have to take it and go though so I'm not late.” _

 

_ “Oh yeah of course, have fun at work. Don't eat too much sugar!” _

 

_ “I won't, make sure you drink a lot of water today. Your liver will thank you later.” _

 

_ And with that she grabbed her things and left for work a half hour earlier than she needed to. _

 

_ * _

“So she doesn't remember?”

 

“She didn't seem like she did.”

 

“Are you going to bring it up?”

 

“No, I don't know why I would. It would just make it awkward, especially since nothing is going to come of it.”

 

“really?”

 

“Yes really. Why do you sound so surprised? It's not like she'd talk about it.”

 

“true enough. Even if she did remember, she wouldn't because she's a good person and wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't know, I just think she'd be good for you.”

 

“She is. As a friend. Besides I am in no way ready to be in a relationship right now or anytime in the foreseeable  future.” It was true, she wasn't. The thought made her feel sick. Not specifically think about Lexa, no, but the thought of giving herself to another person and getting hurt again. She had normalized the treatment she was getting because everyone that said they loved her hurt her. Now she was working to undo that mentality and needed to just focus on herself for awhile.

 

“fair enough. Now what's the low down on your hot boss?”

 

“Oh my god.”

 

They continued talking throughout the next forty minutes, although she skipped over the Luna topic, before it was time for her to go back. As they left the cafe she felt her phone buzz and when she looked at the message her brow furrowed.

 

**O- I fucked up**

 

**Griffster- what?**

 

**O- I fucked up**

 

“Octavias being cryptic again”

 

“what'd she do now?” 

 

“I'm trying to figure that out”

 

**Griffster- try again. How?**

 

**O-im soooo sorry**

 

“Why is every conversation I'm having involve no one giving me straight answers.” 

 

**Griffster- Octavia what happened?**

 

**“** Well they have to do with you and no one knows how you'll react.”

 

“that's not fair.”

 

“No, but honestly Lexa was drunk and Octavia panics and tries to prolong the inevitable.” 

 

“I just don't see what she could have done that would be so-” 

 

**O- your mom knows where you are**

 

Her stomach drops and her phone falls from her hand. No. This can't be happening. She's done so well at staying hidden, she was finally doing better. She can feel her upcoming panic attack coming full force but she's to disoriented to do anything about it. She vaguely remembers hearing Raven shout her name and other voices appearing, but couldn't make out what they said before she blacked out.

 

She wakes up in a curtained off bed and finds Raven and Octavia exchanging hushed words. Octavia notices her first and she watches guilt take over her face.

 

“Clarke I am so sorry. I wasn't even thinking and then when I realized what I said I couldn't take it back and I tried to cover it up but it was too late and...I get it if you hate me.”

 

“I'm going to need you to start over, I'm sure they gave me a sedative, but I know that would have been able to follow regardless. How does she know?”

 

“Okay, well, Bellamy called me to tell me he wouldn't be going home for our mom's birthday even though he said he would since I told him I couldn't. I told him that wasn't fair and that he always breaks his promises and then makes me out to be the bad guy.”

 

“O we can sympathize with you later, tell Clarke how that has to do with her.”

 

“I was about to get there! Everything is relevant because he makes me say stupid things. Anyway when I asked him why he said he planned a trip for him and his bitch of a girlfriend. I told him he should have made it for another week but apparently those were the cheapest flights. I mean what an asshole!”

 

“Octavia!” 

 

“I know I know! He told me I wouldn't understand the logic because of all the bad decisions I've made and Echo is important to him. Obviously I told him I knew more about it than him because I have Linc and don't drive away my friends because of the person I'm dating and he told me I couldnt keep them around either because Raven was in Texas and Clarke was MIA. So me always having to prove him wrong told him that we were all here and then I hung up before he could ask questions.”

 

“We have to work on your shorthand O, you could have just said ‘I told Bellamy where Clarke is’ no play by play needed.”

 

“as much as I agree with Raven I still don't see how that leads to my mother knowing. Isn't Bell in Seattle?”

 

“Well yeah but he tells our mom everything and an hour later she called me to ask if it was true.”

 

“And you told her it was?”

 

“You know no one can lie to my mom and get away with it. I tried deflecting but it was no use!”

 

“I have to go.” It comes out as more of a whisper, but she moves quickly out of the bed.

 

“Clarke you can't leave! She doesn't know where you live and we can help you now!”

 

“I just, I need to go home. I'm not leaving leaving, but I need to not be here.”

 

They open the curtain and walk out to try to find someone to discharge her. She fills out the paperwork at the reception desk, but when they're exiting the building her blood runs cold.

 

“Hey princess.” Finn. With that cocky smile. Walking up to them.

 

Octavia and Raven are both in front of her in a matter of seconds before Raven takes a few more steps forward.

 

“What are you doing here asshole”

 

Finn barely regards Raven, only breaking eye contact with her to take in the other girl.

 

“I don't believe we know each other or why that's any of your business.”

 

“Oh I know all about you, to know you shouldn't be here.”

 

“i have every right to be here, you on the other hand can leave.” he takes a step closer to her. “So you talk about me princess? I knew you missed me.”

 

“How did you know I was here?”

 

“they called me, I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner i had to wait for an uber, but I'm here now and we can finally go home.” They called him? Why- she never changed her emergency contact, but also kind of thought it would have been obvious.

 

“She's not going anywhere with you” Octavia steps in, putting more space between them.

 

“You don't have a say in that. She's my girlfriend.” that sentence makes her blood boil and she finally steps in front of her friends to face him.

 

“I am not, your girlfriend.” She spits out.

 

“I don't recall us breaking up.”

 

“really? Were the cops, me moving, and the protection order not enough of a hint for you? Do you need me to spell it out for you? There is no us, there hasn't been for along time.”

 

“You don't get to decide that. I get a say. I love you.” She can tell he's starting to get mad by the clenching of his fists but he's still looks collected.

 

“No you don't! And I never loved you!” as soon as that's out of her mouth she knows he's snapped. He takes a step forward with his hand raised. Octavia and Raven move to intervene but she stops everyone by grabbing his wrist.

“don't you dare touch me.”

 

He's demeanor changes slightly but he still reaches out with his other hand. “Oh come on baby, don't be like that.”

 

She grabs his other wrist and starts to twist them.

 

“Did I fucking stutter Finn? I said dont. Touch. Me. You lost all rights to do that the second you hit me. Now you're going to leave and never try to contact me again or I'm going to take you to court. You know I'd win and you know how pretty boys like you get treated in prison. Choose wisely.” 

 

He struggles out of her hold and looks like he's about to protest but he must see the coldness of her stare and the truth of her words because he's suddenly high tailing it out of there.

 

“Oh my god Clarke that was so badass!”

 

She's still reeling over what just happened before another feeling takes over and she just mumble out an “I'm going to be sick” Before emptying the contents of her stomach in the nearest trash bin.

 

“Hey, you did it. He's never going to bother you again.” Octavia says as she rubs soothing circles on her back.

 

“I know, I just never thought that would happen. I already feel so much freer. I never thought I'd be able to do that.”

 

“You should be proud of yourself, I know we are.”

 

\------ 

 

Raven had told her that she had been in contact with Luna and told her boss she had an allergic reaction at lunch and wouldn't be in for the rest of the day. She knew Luna was understanding and wouldn't be mad, but she felt like she let her down on only her second day of work. When she got home she was exhausted and collapsed on the couch to nap before she'd figure out dinner. 

 

She woke with a start out of a nightmare, to soft fingers brushing her cheeks and someone saying her name. When her eyes finally focused it's on the green that'd been taking over her mind morning. She never questions why she always turns to Lexa for comfort or why she feels safe and can be herself. She just associates it with Lexa being there since the beginning. She sits up and buries her face in the other girl's neck, palm finding it's place over her heart and instantly calms.

 

“She’s going to take me back.”

 

“It was a dream Clarke, you're awake now, you're safe.” Lexa keeps repeating as she strokes her through her hair and down her back.

 

“It happened though.”

 

They sit in silence for a few more minutes as her heart rate settles and she sinks further into the arms wrapped around her.

 

“Did you really have an allergic reaction?”

 

“no.”

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“conflicted.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I saw Finn.”

 

“What? Where, I'll call detective Miller. He won't get away with this.” Lexa moves to get up but she tighten her grip and pulls her down.

 

“It was indirectly my fault, I never changed my emergency contact information.”

 

“your- you were at the hospital? What happened? Why didn't you call me, I would've come.”

 

“I know you would have, but Octavia and Raven were there so it was alright.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I am now, I just had a panic attack.”

 

“They’ve never been that bad before, what caused it?”

 

“My mother knows I’m here.”

 

“She- how?”

 

“Octavia-”

 

“Are you serious?! I never would have thought that-”

 

“Lexa relax, it was all an accident, I’m not upset with her.”

 

“So you found out, passed out and had to go to the hospital and that’s how Finn found you.”

 

“Pretty much.”

 

“Did he do anything?”

 

“He tried, but I actually stopped him. I think I’m done with him for good.” She sighs, still not fully believing it.

 

“I knew you had it in you. How do you feel about that.”

 

“Elated. I feel like I can walk around without being afraid that he’s going to be there and do something and if he does I know I can handle it. Thank you for teaching me to defend myself.”

 

“That was all you. I just showed you some physical stuff, it was your mentality and strength that stood up for yourself.”

 

“It was me, wasn’t it.”

 

“You’re a lot stronger than you thought you were. What are you going to do about your mom?”

 

“I honestly don’t know. I’m done hiding though. I won’t let her control me anymore.”

 

“Whatever you decide to do, I’ll support and be there for you in whatever way you want.”

 

“Would you go out and get that Lasagne I really like from that place on Elm?”

 

“Of course. Extra breadsticks?”

 

“Did you really need to ask?”

 

“You never know. I’ll be back in thirty.” 

 

“Hey Lex? Thank you...for everything”

  
“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you like how finn left the story? What do you thinks going to happen next or what do you want to see? Let me know! thanks for reading. x


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update last weekend! Hopefully the two updates last week were enough. I wasn't happy with how this chapter was going and I'm still not sure of it and might make some adjustments but for now here it is! Not as dramatic as intended, but I thought I'd spare her a bit. x

She returned to work the next day like nothing had happened. Like nothing was going to happen. Or at least that’s what she was telling herself. It was going pretty well, for the first five minutes, until Luna offhandedly mentioned having to close up for a couple of hours to make a delivery and she apologised, for probably the hundredth time.

 

“It’s really no big deal, it was a slow business hour and it’s not like you purposely had an allergic reaction. What was it that got you? I want to make sure we don’t use it or at least you don’t” Luna questions while unpacking the boxes of ingredients that came that morning.

 

She almosts says she’s not allergic to anything before she remembers what Raven had told her and she catches herself. “Oh...” anything, she can literally pick anything to be fake allergic to, so why can’t she come up with something?

 

“Um grapes.” Grapes? Is that a thing? It most likely is but even if it weren’t, it is now. 

 

“Grapes? Huh, that’s..random. Is it like an all fruit thing or just grapes? I use a lot of berries and fruits in my recipes, but I don’t use grapes.” Right, because who would just be allergic to the one thing? Apparently she is.

 

“Um, nope. Just those.”

 

“Okay, good. Now that that’s settled I can show you how to do some sugar work before we open.” Luna bounds off towards the pantry and reemerges with a giant bag of the white crystals, plopping it on the counter with a loud thump, and shoves a sauce pan on the stove. It’s not a easy as Luna makes it seem, everything is down to a science- the temperature, how long it stays on the heat, how long it sets, and so much more she doesn’t remember- she does manage to make a few decorations that aren’t deformed and only burns herself three times before Luna deems it enough practice for the morning.

 

She’s really thankful for her job, not only for the income and independence, but because it takes all of her attention and focus, so she doesn’t think about everything that’s happening outside of her sweet smelling bubble. 

 

Unfortunately that only lasts for as long as she is there and ends as soon as she reaches her apartment to find Octavia sitting against the door. The other girl looks deep in thought staring at her phone and hasn’t noticed that she’s there, so she opts for speaking first before startling her.

 

“Hey, O.” what else was there to say?  _ “How long do I have?” “Is she here?” “Am I really ready for this?”  _ None of those seem like a good opener, so a simple greeting- even if it did come out in an exhausted tone- was her best option. It causes the other girls head to snap up and she notices that Octavia can’t even fake a smile, which tells her she won’t like what she’s about to hear.

 

“Hey, Clarke. Uh, how was work?” 

 

“Made some sugar trees, took some orders, cleaned some pans, you know, bakery stuff.”

 

“Cool, cool....so are the trees-”

 

“I would love to tell you all about my job but not when you’re trying to prolong telling me something” She says, raising an eyebrow at her friend. This causes Octavia to mock scoff.

 

“And here I was just trying to be polite, jeez.” Another unamused look is given and Octavia relents, but not before giving her a sympathetic look. “Fine, she’s on a plane here right now.”

 

She knew it would be quick, her mother was never one to waste time, but hearing it and knowing it was happening at that moment was another thing entirely. 

 

“Clarke?” She hadn’t even noticed she’d started shaking and that annoyed her more than anything. She thought she was done with that. She had decided to confront her mother. So why did she still react this way? No, it had to stop, at least for now until she figured it out. She clenched her fists and steeled herself, taking large soothing breaths to calm her traitor of a body.

 

“I’m fine. When does she get here?”

 

“My mom said her flight lands at seven. You don’t have to see her you know. She doesn’t know where you live.”

 

“Yeah, I do. She won’t stop until she finds me and she’ll just follow you or hire someone to do that.”

 

“She can’t stay here forever and I won’t let her find you through me.”

 

“Not physically no, but now that she knows she’s not going to give up. You know that.”

 

“Still, there has to be a way other than you dropping off the face of the earth- which I’m not bitter about- again, to get her to back off.”

 

“I need to do this though, I need it to be done. If I hide or avoid her, she wins.”

 

“Alright, if you’re sure. We’ll all be there with you, you don’t have to do it alone anymore.”

 

She wants to say no, that she’ll be fine. She doesn’t want them involved, but they kind of already are and no matter how much she tries to convince herself otherwise, she really doesn’t think she could do it by herself. So she steps forward and wraps Octavia in a hug and barely whispers “Thank you.”

 

“Of course, we’ll always be there for eachother. Now as much as I love our little heart to hearts, do you think we can move it out of the hallway and into your place, preferably with food?”

 

“Don’t you have your own fully stocked kitchen?”

 

“Fully stocked with nothing but rabbit food. Lincolns on this new cleanse and I only get the good stuff when you or Raven are around and since she was out with your boss lady last night, I didn’t get my pizza and I know how Lexa eats so you have to have something that barely passes health standards.”

 

“For the record, I am still a relatively good cook and have been changing Lexa’s diet to include more greens and less preservatives. Also you don’t need an excuse to have pizza and- wait did you say Raven went out with Luna?”

 

“Yep! Anyway does that mean you do or do not have leftover take out?”

 

“Of course we do. Why are we not talking about Raven?”

 

“Because I’m hungry and that’s all I know, now let me inside!”

 

Just then the door opens and a confused Lexa pops her head out and looks between the two of them, still having their arms loosely wrapped around each other.

 

“Uhm are you guys going to come in anytime soon?”

 

“Have you been in there the whole time?!” Octavia demands and receives a nod. “And you didn’t let me in earlier?”

 

“If you had knocked I would have, you just sat down so, not my fault.”

 

“I thought you were still at work! I knew Clarke’s schedule, so I was waiting. Do you know how hard the floor is? My ass is going to be square all week! I could have been comfortable and fed if you had just opened the damn door.” Octavia rants as she pushes past Lexa and marches into the kitchen.

 

“You better get in there before she eats your last piece of lasagne.” Lexa finally greets her with a quick peck on the cheek before turning to head down the hall to where she knows Lexa will meet Anya for their evening workout. “Call if you need anything.”

 

\---------

 

She's sitting on the couch later that evening leaning on Lexa, they aren't talking, just enjoying the moment of peace while a film is on in the background. Those moments never seem to last long for her though.

 

“What are you going to do?”

 

Sighing she maneuvers herself so her head is on the other girls lap so she's staring at the ceiling.

 

“I'm not sure, I guess just figure out where she's staying and go from there. I don't want her having my number or knowing where we live.” 

 

“So you’re going to see her tomorrow?” She can hear the concern laced in the question and though a few weeks ago she would have assumed it was about her not being able to handle it, the fingers stroking her hair and her sessions have helped her realize what actual care looks and sounds like and now it comforts her.

 

“I mean, I just want this to be over and the sooner the better right?”

 

“Everything is going to go at your pace, whatever and whenever you decide to do it. How are you feeling about all of this?”

 

Scared. Nervous. Sick.

 

“Honestly? I’m terrified.”

 

“To see her?”

 

“Yes and no...I want to be able to do this, but a part of me can’t help but think-...a small, naive part of me thinks or hopes she’s changed, I know she hasn’t though. And I know that I managed to leave the first time but what if she says or does something and I revert back to how it was? I can’t go back but- Niylah says I was conditioned to please. That even if it wasn’t my fault or I knew somehow I didn’t want to do it, I needed to please them and get their approval. She said part of it was a defense thing, but also I was seeking praise. I just, I feel like she could say something that used to work and have me crawling back to her. What if I can’t do it this time?”

 

“That’s not going to happen-”

 

“You can’t know that.”

 

“I can and do you know why? For starters, you will have Octavia, Raven, and me there and we won’t let that happen, but you would be able to do it without us.” She’s about to protest because she knows she wouldn’t be able to when Lexa shakes her head at her. “I know you don’t think you can, but in the months since we've lived together I've seen you become stronger and more and more yourself. Just hear me out. The first few weeks you barely spoke or did anything that I didn't suggest, you asked my permission to do everything and even if you occasionally still do it, I get it, but it's not for something like a meal or when you shower. You stopped apologising for the little things and stuff you had nothing to do with. You do things on your own and you pick out what we do. You got a job. You stood up to Finn and now he won't bother you anymore. You are one of the strongest people I know. You can do this, but we'll be there with you through it. Okay?”

 

She doesn't know how to respond, whatever she was expecting to hear but it certainly wasn't that. She doesn’t consider herself a strong person. Strong people wouldn’t have ended up like her in the first place. Strong people don’t stay in that position or run away from it. Strong people don’t have debilitating panic attacks. She knows those thoughts aren’t necessarily true and definitely aren’t healthy, but that doesn’t mean she can help it. It’s true she has come a long way from where she was when Lexa first opened her home to her. It’s still weird hearing all of the changes, she hadn’t known about a few of them. Does all of that mean she’s strong though? She knows the way Lexa ended her spiel meant she wasn’t looking for a rebuttal or acceptance, just encouragement and the offer of solidarity. She’s grateful she doesn’t have to say anything because the words still escape her so she simply nods and turns to bury her face in the other girls shirt. The silence surrounds them again before the next recommended film starts to play and fills the room with, to her, muffled voices. She just manages to feel the light press of lips to the top of her head before drifting off to sleep.

 

\-------

 

The next day it’s harder to act like nothing’s happening when she goes to work. She’s antsy and whips her head up every time the door chimes thinking her mother found her, even though she knows that’s next to impossible. Luna obviously catches on to her behavior, she’s really not that subtle, and has her switch to restocking inventory. It’s probably the best place for her because she would probably write down an order wrong or add salt instead of sugar, with the way her brain is all over the place at the moment. 

 

It’s funny how the day seems to drag on at the same time it flies by, both resulting from the anticipation of what’s to come.

 

Octavia had found out what hotel her mother was staying in and had contacted her to set up a meeting. Her mother had tried to persuade Octavia to help make it a surprise and give her, her address, but her friend had been adamant about saying she already knew she was there and the hotel conference room was already booked. A private but still public enough meeting place.

 

So there she stands, outside the rotating doors surrounded by her friends. Her mother is inside that building. Her mother is waiting for her. She can still turn back, she doesn’t have to go in. No, she needs to do this. It’s now or never. She pushes through the doors, walks through the ornate lobby- of course her mother would stay in the most expensive and luxurious hotel- and walks towards the room she knows her mother will be in.

 

As soon as she enters she’s met with a sight that she hasn’t seen in almost three years and it doesn’t look like her mother has changed at all. The other woman stands and walks towards her and before she can protest, she’s encompassed in the most awkward hug she’s ever received. Nothing like what a mother’s hug should be.

 

“Clarke, honey, it is so good to see you. You have no idea how worried I was about you.” Her mother’s voice is just how she remembers, but there isn’t an ounce of sincerity in her words.

 

“I’m sure it kept you up at night.”

 

“Of course it did. I do not appreciate that tone, now what is the meaning of this? Why did I agree to meet you here instead of going to your place?”

 

“This is neutral ground and I do not want you knowing where I live.” She manages to get out in the most unaffected voice she can muster.

 

“Neutral ground? Are we at war? Don’t be ridiculous, I’m your mother I have the right to know where my daughter lives!” The cool facade of her mother is slowly melting away.

 

“Not war, no, but there is a lot of conflict and I want to put an end to it. And for the record you do not get to know anything about me unless I say so, whether you birthed me or not.” Her nerves are starting to get to her now, and she takes a step back to feel a hand rest on the small of her back and she immediately feels more grounded. The action draws her mother’s attention to the other three people in the room who have been silently observing the, for lack of a better word, reunion. 

 

“If you girls would excuse us, I’d like to have a private discussion with my daughter. It was nice to see you girls again and a new face, we’ll have to do dinner another time.”

 

“They won’t be going anywhere, I asked them to be here.”

 

“This is absurd, I haven’t seen my daughter in years and now I can’t even have a private reunion with her? What do you think is going to happen?”

 

“You don’t have to pretend Abby, they know everything that happened, everything you did.”

 

“Clarke dear, that is no way to address your mother, but I am so glad to see you still have that creative mind of yours. I can only imagine the stories you have come up with. I can assure you girls everything is fine, she has quite the imagination, but you are no longer required to be here.”

 

“Again,  _ Abby,  _ they are here because I want them to be and won’t go anywhere unless I say otherwise. You don’t control them.”

 

“Clarke you are being childish, have you not matured at all in your time away? You will not hold a respectable job with that attitude of yours. I can only do so much for you.”

 

“For the record I have a great job right now and you never did anything for me.” This is not going how she thought it would, though she had a lot of different scenarios playing through her head.

 

“I did everything for you. I paid for your schooling after getting you into one of the finest schools in the state, which you threw down the garbage. I introduce you to important people. I got you internships. I made sure you did not have to work, so you could focus all of your attention on your now wasted education. I let you live at home, instead of having to pay bills. I-”

 

“For you! All of that was for you and your reputation, you needed to be able to control me! That’s why you made me live at home, I wanted to live in the dorms. I never wanted to go to school to become a doctor and no matter how many times I told you that you ignored me, saying you knew better. But it was really because having a family on staff would bring you more publicity and money. You only introduced me to people in order to pawn their disturbed sons off on me. You didn’t let me work, I tried but somehow never managed to either get hired or stay there very long for ‘undisclosed reasons’ but I always knew it was you, you never let me work and you kept my money from me so I’d have no choice but to come to you.” She’s fuming now and she’s really hoping this underlying rage will stick around for the rest of their encounter.

 

“You are blowing everything way out of proportion! Never seeing the sacrifices I made so you could live comfortably. All I ever did was for your own good.”

 

“Were the beatings for my own good too?”

 

“I never laid a hand on you!” At this point, her mother’s composure has broken completely and she’s even more grateful that her friends are there or it could have been a lot worse.

 

“You did a good job making sure no one would be able to prove it, but we both know who’s telling the truth here.”

 

“You are deranged, far worse than before. Once we are back I will make sure to get you the best treatment there is.” There it was, the notion that she would return back to her old life. The rage suddenly plummeted in her gut bringing another unpleasant feeling.

 

“I’m not going back with you. You’re insane if you think I’d go willingly.” This makes her mother scoff, as though what she said was completely ridiculous.

 

“Of course you are, you need me, I am your mother.” That phrase keeps being thrown out like it means something, like it entitles her to something.

 

“No, I don’t! You gave birth to me but you were never my mom. You never cared, you just wanted a perfect clone. I have a life here, a good one. I’m an adult, you can’t make me do anything, not anymore.”

 

“You have delusions, I can just as easily make you legally mentally incompetent if you do not come with me. I know what is best for you and I will do what I have to.”

 

“You honestly can’t believe that will work. No one in their right mind would go along with that.” As voice from behind her speaks up and she turns her head to see Lexa move forward slightly.

 

“You are new here so I will indulge for a moment to enlighten you, I am a very renowned and powerful person, it does not take much to persuade people in my favor.” Her mother snidely answers, barely giving Lexa any attention.

 

“But we’re not and we won’t let that happen, you won’t fool anyone into believing Clarke is incompetent. Especially with everyone she has here on her side.” Octavia voices, stepping up beside her.

 

“Yeah Abby, no one is going to fall for your bullshit lies anymore. Clarke isn’t going anywhere.” Raven adds herself into the mix and stares down her mother with the most intimidating glare she’s seen from her.

 

“I am sure she has painted me to be a true monster, you girls have known me since you were kids, you truly cannot believe a word of this.” He mother’s demeanor shifting back to the cool facade, seeming to think she has the upperhand again.

 

“You were never around for them to know you and I didn’t tell them because you would have made their lives hell, just like mine!.”

 

“I have had enough of your petulant remarks. Now you are coming back to my room with me and we will leave with the next flight.” Her mother makes her way towards her and she steps just out of reach.

 

“I am not going anywhere with you. You have no power over me anymore and once you leave, you will have nothing to do with my life at all.”

 

She watches the last of her mother’s composure snap and before she can react her arm is wrapped in a vice grip “I swear Clarke if you do not come with me this instant I w-”

 

“I strongly advise you not to finish that sentence and remove your hand immediately.” She barely recognizes the voice as Lexa’s, she’s never heard it so low and commanding. The warning clearly evident as the other girl makes her way between them causing her mother’s grip to loosen enough for her to pull away.

 

“Is that a threat? I do not know who you think you are, but this is a family matter that doesn’t concern you, so step away now before-”

 

“What? You ruin my life too? I’ll help you out with that. Since you never bothered with the introduction, my name is Lexa Woods, Alexandria Marie Woods if you want to find my records. I am the co-owner of Grounder Recreational which you obviously haven’t heard of, but perhaps you’ve heard of Coalition Corp.? As the sole heir of the company, I can assure you I have friends in higher places than you. Oh and while I’m sure it would be an easy fight, I do not condone unnecessary violence. However, I’m sure Raven can whip something up for you.” Lexa retorts and she hears a mumbled  _ “you bet your ass I will”. _ Any thought of her taking over the conversation again vanishes. She didn’t know that about Lexa, if it was even true. Of course it’s true, that’s not something you make up. Either way she wanted to know the where Lexa was going with it.

 

“Are you trying to scare me? It will take a lot more than a name drop, and that is not pertinent to anything of the matter here.”

 

“Oh but I think it is. You see, if Clarke were to file a claim against you on her own, I’m sure you could have it swept under the rug before anyone got wind of it. However if I were to corroborate her story of let’s say, abuse, neglect, maybe even whatever they call trying to pimp your child out, even if it never made it to court, it would be out there. You would lose all of your accreditation in an instant.” Lexa lists off nonchalantly, but still has that challenging look set in her eyes. Someone is finally a match for Abby Griffin.

 

“No one would ever believe you.”  Her mother spits out and surprisingly only falters a little, as if trying to figure of the credibility of the words.

 

“Ah, well that’s where you’re wrong. While you have people in California and maybe a few other states, I have people all over the world that do what I say everyday, who do you think the majority would follow?” Check mate. That has to do it, right? Surely her mother can’t refute that. And by the look in everyone's eyes they know it too.

 

“You cannot do anything without Clarke and she would never go against her own mother like that.” A weak last attempt at best, has her mother not heard a word she’s said? She glances at Lexa, who gives her the silent reassurance for her to take over.

 

“I would do it in a heartbeat if I had to. I would rather it not come down to that, because then my name is out there, but if it’s the only way to get you to leave me alone, I’ll do it.”

 

“I am the only family you have left! You would go against me?”

 

“Blood does not mean family, I have more family here than I’ve ever had. The most you gave me were genes and the bond I had with dad from you not being there. There is nothing healthy between us and after my savings account has been transferred, there won’t be any ties at all.”

 

“You think after today that I will hand over that money?”

 

“You have no legal claim to it. It was never in your name and now that I’m over twenty one I have complete control over it. That is something I won’t hesitate in taking you to court over and I have a very good lawyer.” Her mother is seething now and she’s pretty sure is about to pop a vein. “I know your firm, I’ll have her contact them. If there is no trouble- which if you know what’s best there won’t be- that will be the last you hear from me and you will not attempt to contact me again.”

 

“You honestly believe I am going to let you walk away?”

 

“If you value your position as much as I know you do, you don’t have another choice.” And with that she doesn’t feel like she can keep doing the back and forth and there isn’t anything else she wants to say so she turns to walk out the door. Octavia and Raven move to block her mother from following and as she’s a the door she hears Lexa’s last input.

 

“I’m sure you’re a good doctor, but you’re horrible excuse as a mother, you don’t even deserve the title. The only good thing that came from it, which I’m positive had nothing to do with you, is that incredible person over there, that you failed to see. I meant what I said about violence, but if you come near her again I will not hesitate in coming after you, every way I am capable of.”

 

“See you never Abby, I’m with Lexa, but for the record, my ways are a bit more explosive and a lot less traceable.”

 

“Expect all ties to the Blake family severed after I talk to my mom.”

 

They all leave the hotel and climb into the car. It doesn’t feel like it’s over. A part of her knows that there’s a chance it’s not. Her mother was never one to give up easily, she just hopes this time is different.

 

“Celebratory drinks anyone? I only have two days left and it sounds like we know who’s are new designated shot buyer miss heiress.” Raven throws out while bouncing up and down, smacking the back of Lexa’s seat. “So not the point of me saying that and does not mean I will buy your drinks every time, but I will today if Clarke wants to go out.” Lexa interjects and swats behind her halfheartedly, still having her eyes on the road..

 

“Can we rain check it to tomorrow? I kind of just want to decompress and let my mind settle, I don’t think alcohol and loud noises will help with that.”

 

“Sure thing, whatever you want to do.”

 

After dropping Octavia and Raven off, she and Lexa return to their place. She showers, scrubbing the day off of herself. With the comfiest close she has on she makes her way towards Lexa’s room, where the latter has cartons of noodles and a laptop loaded with movies ready and waiting for her. She grabs the chopsticks and curls up into the other girl and the last thread of tension she had disappears. As they settle into their routine, she can’t help but feel like everything is better and how it’s supposed to be. Once the transfer is over, she will finally be free of everything that weighed her down. She can finally live her life wholeheartedly. While she still isn’t ready to give her heart to anyone completely, she’s ready to not hold back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? Anticlimactic? Just right? Let me know what you thought, I love reading your comments and hearing your ideas! Thank you for reading, let me know if there is something you want to see! x


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Sunday and I'm posting! A pretty fluffy chapter for the most part, with Clarke teaching Lexa something. It's got a bit of everything in it honestly.

Yesterday felt like a dream or was it a nightmare? Something she had to have made up because it was a whirlwind experience, that she wasn’t positive happened and she still was unsure of the outcome. She had called Anya to work out the fund transfer and was told she would know for sure after a week if everything went through. So for now all she could do was wait. 

 

She was currently sat behind the counter of the shop sketching the some of the regulars who were seated at one of the tables. She knows they’re regulars even though she’s only worked there for five days because they’ve come in on every single one of them at the same time, ordering the same thing- two apple fritters, three razzleberry muffins, one lemon tart, and a chocolate ganache bon bon “ _ to share” _ \- and she doesn’t know how they manage to tolerate eating that all at once. Though she’s sure from one look in their eyes, which are more glazed over than the fritters they order, that they always come from a more “recreational” activity. 

 

She was just putting the finishing touches on the goggles on top of who she now knows is Jasper’s head when the bells chime. She closes her book and looks up to greet the customer only to see Lexa walking up to the counter with a bag in hand.

 

“Hey” She greets with a smile and peaked curiosity of trying to figure out what the contents of the bag are. “What are you doing here?”

 

“You were rushed this morning so you didn’t bring anything for lunch. I was already out to get some, so I figured I pick something up for you as well so you didn’t have to. Where’s Luna?”

 

“She said something about a late notice possible client or something and left, don’t know when she’ll be back. Since it’s just me I wouldn’t have been able to leave to get food, so thanks for thinking of me.” She still can’t get over the random gestures from Lexa or anytime someone does something nice without an ulterior motive, but she’s not complaining. “What’d you bring me?”

 

“A chicken parm wrap from Nyko’s.” Lexa responds giving the bag a shake and wiggling hers brows. She laughs but instantly her mouth waters and she snatched the bag out of Lexa’s hands. “Hey don’t crumple it! Mine’s in there too!” She watches Lexa glance over at the other two occupants before hiking herself over the counter.

 

“It would still taste the same and you shouldn’t be back here.”

 

“Luna doesn’t mind, besides she’s not here. She should really hire someone else, you deserve a lunch break and two people isn’t practical for running a business.”

 

“Yeah, she said she has an interview with someone tomorrow so hopefully that goes well. I don’t mind covering and missing my break today since I still feel bad about leaving her high and dry on Tuesday.” She carefully unwraps her food, inhaling it’s intoxicating aroma before taking a larger than etiquettely acceptable bite and moaning at the taste. She looks over at Lexa who apparently has lost the ability to speak, before shrugging it off and devoting her attention back to delectable wrap in front of her. 

 

“Oh! what do you think about the plans for tomorrow?” Octavia had sent out the details of an 80’s themed event at the roller rink for Saturday that Raven had picked as her last days event, drinks, 80’s music, skates, and optional costumes. She hadn’t been roller blading since before her dad died but she had always enjoyed it and was looking forward to going. Lexa on the other hand did not seem as enthusiastic about it.

 

“Sounds like a lot of fun.” Lexa offers but starts to pick at her sandwich.

 

“Yeah, you seem so overjoyed.” She deadpans “Do you not like rollerblading? I know it’s not the most relevant thing out there but it’s still fun.” She hears Lexa mumble something but can’t make it out. “Want to say that a bit louder? And maybe take the food away from your mouth.” Earning a sigh she watches Lexa relent.

 

“I’ve never done it before.”

 

“Really? It was like, a staple when I was a kid.”

 

“It wasn’t really popular where I grew up and when I was adopted my time was spent on other sports and activities.”

 

“Well if you’re nervous about it we can go tonight so you can practice. You’re acting like it’s the end of the world. It really isn’t even that hard to do and you already have the coordination for it.”

 

“I am not and I thought we were all going out tonight.”

 

“Your pout says otherwise. Change of plans, Raven asked for another delay which is why tomorrow is happening.”

 

“I do not pout.” this only increases said pout. “We can do something else tonight, I can just watch tomorrow.”

 

“Oh come on, where’s the fun in that? We’re going and you’re going to learn, you’ll probably end up being a natural.”

 

“Seems like an odd pick for Raven.”

 

“Abrupt much? She likes to “bowl” for people, give her a push and see where she lands I guess and no one stays mad at her for long, Any ways back to you, we’re going.”

 

“Fine, what time do you want to go?”

 

“The place is like a half hour from here so how about I swing by to get you after I’m done here and we’ll grab dinner along the way. You’re off by then right?”

 

“Mhm my last class finishes at four so that’ll work.”

 

“Great! I promise you’ll love it.”

 

\-----

 

“I hate this.” Lexa grits out from her position against the side board.

 

“You haven’t even tried yet! Come on just step into the rink it’ll be fine.” She says while gliding side to side, already reliving her childhood memories. She watches Lexa round the entry and take a tentative step onto the smooth surface with one bladed foot. Sliding it back and forth before placing her other foot next to it, wobbling slightly. “That’s it now let go of the wall.”

 

“I will do no such thing, I’m perfectly fine where I am.”

 

“You can’t learn if you don’t try.”

 

“I also can’t fall that way either.” The other girls huffs out.

 

“Here, take my hands” she says reaching out to Lexa who gives her an incredulous that makes her roll her eyes. “I’ll make sure you don’t fall.”  Lexa analyzes her before removing one hand from the wall and clasping onto hers. She waits for the other hand, but it doesn’t come. They stand there like that for a few more minutes before she decides it’s been long enough and tugs the other girl’s arms. Lexa, unprepared for this course of action, releases her hold and flails towards her. Honestly for someone so coordinated and athletic she expected this to go a lot better than it was. Lexa was less graceful than a deer on ice, her one arm waving around as she tried to keep her feet from going out from beneath her. She let go of Lexa’s hand, receiving a look of sheer panic , before grabbing hold of the shaking hips before the girl lands in a split. She can’t hold back the laugh that escapes after watching the scene play out, earning a glare from the breathless girl in front of her.

 

“That was so not funny. I could have died and you’re laughing at me!.”

 

“Oh my god, you’re so dramatic. You weren’t even close to dying and I told you I wouldn’t let you fall.”

 

“This is ridiculous. Who would consider this fun? Skating in circles and having near death experiences are not on my bucket list.”

 

“You haven’t given it a chance! You’re too rigid, it’s no wonder your center of balance was off.”

 

“My center of balance is perfectly fine thank you, people just aren’t meant to have wheels strapped to their feet.” She can see Lexa’s distress coming off in waves and she’s starting to second guess this whole thing until she thinks of another idea.

 

“Can we try one more thing? I promise if you still hate it we’ll leave and you can just watch tomorrow.”

 

“What is it?” Ten minutes later they’re back at the entrance having swapped Lexa’s blades for skates, giving her a bit more balance control, though she still wobbled a bit.

 

“Okay now hold onto my hips.”

 

“W-what?”

 

“I’m teaching you how to skate remember? Hold on to my waist so you don’t fall and watch what I do with my feet” She steps back onto the rink and looks over her shoulder expectantly. “Come on Bambi, what are you waiting for?” Oh if looks could kill.

 

“You did not, just call me that.” 

 

“Oh I believe I did. It’s cute” another glare “Do you want to prove me wrong?” She watches the resolve crumble and feels hands desperately grab onto her. She starts off slow, barely more than a walking speed, before picking up the pace slightly. She tries to start a conversation with Lexa and maybe calm her nerves a bit, but the other girl is too focused to reply. She turns in Lexa’s grasp and sees her looking down at their feet with unwavering concentration. She reaches out to nudge the brunettes chin up to see her face. “You’re doing good but you’re still stiff. The most important thing is to not overthink it and just feel each step.”

 

“Easy for you to say, you’re skating backwards.”

 

“I’ve done this before. Are you ready to channel your inner Ellen Page?”

 

“I never saw that movie.”

 

“You still got the reference. So?”

 

“So what?”

 

“Are you ready to try by yourself?” She watches Lexa’s eyes widen and gets ready for the refusal to come out of her mouth. She instead sees the look of determination take over her face and a small nod. “Alright, you got this but I’ll be right beside you the whole time.”

 

Lexa started off slow, arms airplaning out beside her, barely moving centimeters at a time, but eventually her confidence grew and she started gliding along the rink. They both found a rhythm, though hers was definitely smoother and she would sometimes skate around Lexa just to annoy the other girl, but they both had smiles on their faces for their remaining time there. They stayed until closing and even then she had to drag Lexa off the rink. Needless to say now they were both looking forward to tomorrow.

 

\-----

 

“My legs feel like death.” Lexa groans from her collapsed heap on the sofa.

 

“Are you saying ‘miss personal trainer’ has been defeated by rollerskates?” Not hiding her amusement as she sets the breakfast tray onto the coffee table.

 

“You’re mocking me. That’s not nice and I’ll have you know I’ve never used my muscles that way before so this is to be expected.”

 

“You knew it would happen and yet you still complain.”

 

“Just because I knew what to expect doesn’t mean I have to accept it willingly.”

 

“Are you going to be able to go tonight?”

 

“Of course!” Lexa responds immediately “I just need to stretch it out first.”

 

“If you say so. I told you, you’d like it.”

 

They finish their food and go about their day before having to get ready. She doesn’t have anything else going on so she decides to paint a bit and ends up recreating the scene outside her window. A few hours before they need to leave Lexa tells her she has nothing resembling eighties wear and they make an impromptu trip to the second hand store and manage to piece together what they deem as two decade acceptable outfits. Lexa tries to convince her against the leg warmers, but for one it completes the outfit with the skirt she found and two, she still isn’t totally comfortable displaying the scars on her legs. 

 

They get ready together so she can help Lexa tease her hair, making it curlier than normal and placing it in a high side pony, and does their make-up with obnoxious blues and blushes. When they’re completely ready it looks like the eighties threw up on them and they make their way down to where the others are waiting for them in the car. Greeted by whistling and a “damn you guys give Jane Fonda a run for her money” from Raven, before they’re all off to the themed event.

 

They’re greeted by alternating flashing colorful lights, retro music, and people decked out in bright outfits. Lexa and Raven immediately rush for the skate counter, while she goes with Lincoln and Octavia to find a table and order drinks. She smiles when she sees Lexa confidently step onto the rink and watches as Raven convinces her to give her a push across the center before she skates off in the opposite direction.

 

“You know, Lincoln said Lexa didn’t know how to skate. He was getting ready to fake an injury to sit out with her, but it seems like he was mistaken.” She turns her head back at Octavia’s voice.

 

“Oh no he was right, up until last night she’d never been before.” turning again to watch Raven try to spin Lexa around while the latter had a face of pure horror. They both ended up sprawled on the ground laughing not caring that they were causing a road block.

 

“You guys came here yesterday?”

 

“Yep. She told me she was going to watch so I convinced her to let me teach her.”

 

“Probably didn’t take much.”

 

“I mean yeah, once she got loosened up a bit she did great.”

 

“Oh I wasn’t referring to her ability.” Octavia says with a smirk which only confuses her and she furrows her brow trying to figure out what she meant.

 

“Then what were you  _ referring _ to?”

 

“Hmm? Oh yeah it was nothing.”

 

“No, seriously what were you talking about?”

 

“Just that it wouldn’t take much for you to convince Lexa to do anything.”

 

“What? What’s that supposed to mean? Did she say something? I would never ask her to do something she doesn’t want to do and if she doesn’t want to do something she could just tell me.”

 

“Hey, woah, so not what I was going for. She didn’t say anything, she doesn’t need to. It’s just obvious how much she cares about you and she can go out of her way to make the people she cares about happy. Not in like a self destructive way or anything, it makes her happy to do it. It just gets more blatant when she really likes someone and she really likes you-”

 

“I know”

 

“-not in like a love sick puppy way or constantly pining, she’d never do anything to- wait what do  _ you  _ mean ‘you know’”

 

“I mean she inadvertently told me when she was drunk.” She tries to shrug it off as no big deal but she can already see the gears turning in Octavia’s head.

 

“She does become a truthful trudy when she has too much, it doesn’t seem like anything has changed between you guys. I know Lexa would never make things awkward, you on the other hand would. Which leaves me to believe you didn’t tell her about her slip up.”

 

“It’s not something that needed to be brought up, I pretend like nothing happened and nothing changes. Simple. No awkwardness needed.”

 

“Huh, so you don’t like her like that?”

 

“No. And even if I did, I’m nowhere near ready for another relationship.” This is the mantra she keeps repeating to herself, every time that strange feeling bubbles up around Lexa. She sees the skepticism in Octavia’s eyes but thankfully they are interrupted by the person of the hour and Raven coming to drag them out to the rink. 

 

They all skated, enjoying the carefree night and she laughed more than she ever has since her dad. She can finally enjoy a night out with her friends completely, without someone holding her back. Sure she still has some personal reservations but she already knows she’s going to have stronger and better relationships with her friends now that everything’s out there. They stayed until they couldn’t feel their legs anymore and Raven and Octavia were sporting light buzzes, before Lincoln dropped dropped her and Lexa off and they collapsed into bed.

 

\-----

 

Sunday flew by, the only thing planned that day was taking Raven to the airport in the morning. It wasn’t a sad goodbye because it was made with promises of virtual apartment tours and skype dates. The prospect that they would all be living in the same city again had them more emotional that Ravens departure. 

 

The rest of the day was pretty laid back. Neither she nor Lexa wanted to do anything physically exerting, since their legs were still yelling at them from the past two days. So she drew while Lexa made a few business calls and then they both retired to their spot on the couch to watch a Legends episode..or three before going to bed at an embarrassingly early hour for two people in their early twenties.

 

She went into work early on monday since she would be leaving before closing for a session with Niylah. She learned how to make puff pastry and helped Luna pipe cupcake designs. She really enjoyed what she did and working with Luna. However, normally their conversations stuck to pastries, that morning though it seemed Luna was more interested in hearing about her weekend. And although her boss never outright said anything, she could tell she was more interested in hearing about a certain friend of hers. 

 

When it was time for her to go she found Lexa waiting for her outside, she still preferred not having to drive after therapy if it was an option, and she was dropped off with the promise of being back in an hour. 

 

So there she was, after replaying everything that happened since her last session the previous monday. It was weird how everything with Finn seemed like so long ago, yet it had only been a week. She guesses for the most part that means she’s finally getting some closure. Her mother on the other hand is still at the front of her mind, that was very much still an open wound she was desperately trying to seal.

 

“Since you have had a few days to process everything, how do you think that day with your mother went?”

 

“I don’t know. I feel like it’s not over and like I didn’t do enough.”

 

“Has your fund transfer gone through yet?”

 

“Yeah, I got the notification this morning and Anya said everything went smoothly.”

 

“You sound skeptical about that.”

 

“That’s because I am, my mother is never one to give up so easily. I can’t help but think she’s planning something.”

 

“You feel like this is a false sense of security. You have every right to feel that and I would always advise you to trust your instincts. You know the situation the best. Do you think she would put her reputation on the line in order to succeed?”

 

“That’s just it, I know in the moment she was taken by surprise and tried to figure out the credibility of Lexa’s story, but I feel like she’s just going to try and come up with a powerplay to overthrow it.”

 

“Do you not believe what your friend said?”

 

“No, I do. She told me more about everything afterwards.”

 

“So you don’t think your mother has more influence over your friend?”

 

“No”

 

“Then what is making you worried?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“If I had to pinpoint it, I would say you are not worried as much of your mother doing something to you personally, but now that she knows your friend, doing something to her to get to you.”

 

“She could just as easily do something to Octavia or Raven.”

 

“True, but we were not talking about them.”

 

“Lexa can take care of herself, my mother doesn’t scare her.”

 

“I’m sure that is also true, your friend seems very capable.”

 

“I don’t see where you are going with this.”

 

“Okay bear with me. You said so yourself, you did not feel like you did enough, you think that because your friend ended up placating the situation that you would not have been able to. We both know that is not true and that it is a sign of strength to ask for help. What you are worried about is that, now that your friend has put herself on your mother’s radar she is going to be the target. Even though you know that she is able to stand her ground, you worry that she will not want to. That she will think it is too much and leave, leave you. Up until this point, the only person that has left you has been your dad and that was uncontrolled. Other than that, you have been the one to leave. She means a lot to you, and while you can control at what level that is for you, you do not know hers. I know you have told me that you are not ready and I fully support the decision and encourage not jumping into anything, but it seems you are trying to hold yourself back. There is no definition of ready. It goes back to trusting your instincts. You cannot try to hold back feelings because you are afraid of her leaving. If I am being honest your feelings are there already, every time I say your friend instead of Lexa, you grimace at the word.”

 

Damn, every nail has been hit on its head. She didn’t know she was that easy to decipher, especially when she didn’t know half of that stuff. Maybe she isn’t though and she’s just getting her money’s worth going to Niylah. Either way it’s a lot to think about. Was that what was eating at her? Was she no longer worried about herself when it came to her mother? She did know that she was afraid that Lexa would come to think that it was too much, that she was too much. So far nothing confirmed that but who want to deal with this? She also knew that she would be devastated if that happened. And that lead to the biggest question- were the feeling already there? She would be lying if she said she didn’t know the answer.

 

She finished her session, talking about what she would do if it came down to seeing her mother again and then lighter things like work and how she was adjusting. Lexa was waiting for her when she walked out, the car smelled like pizza and she commented about needing to eat home cooked meals again, but she was looking forward to the awaiting deep dish.

 

“So I picked out the movie for tonight.” Lexa mentions as they walk through the door.

 

“Oh yeah? Do I not get a say in it?”

 

“Well I did take out the trash this morning so technically I won the honor, but don’t worry you’ll be happy with it.” And the way Lexa says that has a touch of nervousness that she doesn’t understand, but also doesn’t question.

 

“Alright, I’ll get the drinks then if you get it set up.” She walks towards the kitchen while Lexa scurries off to the living room. She grabs two beers and the bag of carrots because even if they don’t eat them she had the healthy intent to and it balances everything out. When she walks into the other room she stops when she sees the freezed image. 

 

“I remember you saying this was your favorite movie when you were a kid and I happened to find it. I figured you’ve watched enough ocean documentaries and we could use a bit of lightheartedness.” Lexa shyly explains while rocking back and forth looking like she’s trying to figure out if it was a good idea or not.

 

The thing is, she mentioned the movie as a passing remark. They were at the park a couple of months ago and she mentioned every time she saw an ant carrying food she thought of A Bug’s Life. She would run around pretending to be Dot and her dad would chase after her. She hasn’t seen the movie since and she wasn’t sure they carried it anywhere around here. 

 

That warm sensation takes over her again and she sets the drinks down and walks over to embrace Lexa. She buries her face in the other girl’s neck and can’t stop the pounding in her chest. She doesn’t know what to say so she just drags them over to the couch and adjusts herself under Lexa’s arm. The movie brings back so many memories and happiness and she can’t believe Lexa did this for her. When the movies over she sits up and looks over at the thoughtful brunette. 

 

“Thank you for finding that.”

 

“Of course, I’m actually surprised by how much I enjoyed that.”

 

“It’s a great movie, I can’t believe you remembered me talking about it.”

  
“You’re hard not to pay attention to.” It’s said with the utmost sincerity that she doesn’t feel the normal uncomfortable squirm she typically does with a comment like that. Looking into Lexa’s eyes she only sees light and acceptance and something else she doesn’t want to name yet. She’s never seen pity from them or been seen as broken from them. Lexa’s eyes are always so expressive and she’s never seen any deception or sign that she’d leave within them, quite the opposite if she’s honest. Maybe she doesn’t need to worry. Maybe it could work, that didn't mean she couldn't be scared. But maybe, just maybe she should listen to her instincts.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you liked the Clexa interactions in this one because I enjoyed writing it! Let me know what you thought or if there's something you want to see! As always, thank you so much for reading. xx
> 
> unfortunately I won't be able to post next Sunday, but maybe sometime that week if not by the next weekend!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my insomnia I have something to post today and it's the longest chapter so far (I think). This also worries me a bit since I only remember how I ended it and I tend to ramble when I'm tired, plus I wrote it on my phone. I should probably start reading what I write. Basically this chapter could be awful and you should prepare yourselves...BUT stick around because I already have half of the next one written and it's my favorite so far!

She would think about talking to Lexa, try and psych herself up for it but when she would open her mouth nothing would come out. That’s how it’s been for the past week and a half. She knows she’s most likely acting funny, especially with the questioning looks she feels from Lexa. She talked briefly about it with Niylah again and Octavia dragged it out of her after a few days, which led to a lot of missed calls from Raven. 

 

The whole thing is confusing. She’s over analyzing everything. Sure when she first heard Lexa’s confession she started paying more attention to the other girl’s action, but nothing out of the ordinary really stood out to her, no intentions other than friendship were made clear. Then when she accepted what that funny thing she was feeling meant, it wasn’t like the fog was lifted or whatever, she didn’t feel different. Which again confused her. Everything felt the same but at the same time it felt like more. A lot more. And she didn’t know how to handle it.

 

She wants to be ready, yet wanting to be ready terrifies her. The only healthy relationships she’s had have been with her dad, who’s gone, and Octavia and Raven and up until they were brought back together, her side of that friendship certainly wasn’t the healthiest. Now though, she thought it was the best it’s been. Her friendship with Lexa is like that, but again, it’s different. It feels different. Well, at least now she knows why. That doesn’t mean she knows what to make of it. The genuineness still throws her and she can’t quite figure Lexa out. She thought she had and then it’s like everyday she notices something that contradicts her prior assessment. It’s never anything bad, most of it is rather endearing when she thinks about it. But again, what does it all mean to her in the end? She’s still no closer to figuring that out.

 

So she does what she does best and shoves her feelings down. Until she knows for sure what she wants she’s not going to do or say anything.

 

Her phone vibrates and she looks around to make sure that Luna or any customers aren’t around before checking it.

 

**O -** whyd you let your girlfriend out of the house this morning

 

She left before me  **-Griffin**

And she’s not my girlfriend  **\- Griffin**

 

**O-** your first thought counts! you want her to be and you do couple stuff~ I would no im a couple 

 

That wasn’t true. Sure they did a lot of things together but friends go out together by themselves all the time. They don’t act more than friendly towards each other. Friends even sleep in the same bed as each other. Okay, maybe not almost every night and probably not holding each other like they do but still, purely platonic.

 

Not true or the point of you texting me  **-Griffin**

 

**O-** o yea you gotta make lexa go home, she wont listen to us

 

Why does she need to go home?  **-Griffin**

 

**O-** cuz she looks like death and a seal~ but god forbid i say something cuz nooo she doesnt get sick. please 

 

Lexa’s sick? She thought she looked fine yesterday, but she also knows these things can come out of nowhere. She looks at the clock, forty minutes until her lunch hour. 

 

Alright I’ll be there in an hour, don’t let her over exert herself  **\- Griffin**

 

**O-** i think i should so she passes out ~ easier to deal with

 

She rolls her eyes, for the most part knowing it was a joke but honestly wouldn’t put it past Octavia. She puts her phone away and makes to occupy her time by inputting orders and thinking up designs to show Luna.

 

\-----

 

She pulls into the lot at Grounders’ and makes her way into the building. Not really knowing where she’ll find Lexa she heads towards where she knows the office is. When she doesn’t come across anyone she thinks about calling Octavia but decides to check the sparring room first.

 

There she finds Lexa sprawled out on the mats, laying on her stomach with an arm blocking her face. She walks up and nudges the other girl in the leg with her foot eliciting a groan.

 

“I just need a minute Octavia.” it comes out in a hoarse cracked voice and she instantly feels the need to do whatever she can to make her feel better.

 

“It looks like you need a bit more than a minute.” Lexa moves her arm at the unexpected voice and squints up at her.

 

“What time is it?” Another croak and it sounds a lot more pitiful, if she didn’t feel so bad for the other girl she’d laugh.

 

“Time to get you home, come on let’s get you up.” she says and bends down to offer a hand.

 

“I can’t leave, I have things, important things somewhere.”

 

“You’re sick, I think those ‘things’ can wait until you feel better.”

 

“I am not, doesn’t happen, just a little tired.” She assumes Lexa tries to wave her off, but her arm kind of just flails up before thudding on the mat. This was going to take longer than she thought.

 

“Okay, how about we go get some lunch then?” Thinking if she got Lexa in the car she could just take her home. By the disgusted pre-nausea face she received she knew it was going to be a struggle.

 

“Um, not hungry, thanks .”

 

“How about a coffee? You said you were tired” She watches Lexa contemplate this, knowing there wasn’t an obvious way to back out of it.

 

“Yeah okay, I guess.”

 

“Wow, at least act like it isn’t a hardship to spend time with me” she teases before helping Lexa up. As soon as she gets her standing she watches as more color drains from her face. She loops her arm around her for support and thankfully they’ve walked like that before, platonically of course, so it doesn’t come off as aiding. The walk to the car was a bit of a struggle and definitely took over twice the amount of time it would usually take, but they manage. She runs back in and asks Lincoln to bring Lexa’s car back since it will probably be awhile until she’s better by the looks of it.

 

As soon as she gets back in her car she looks over to see Lexa already passed out against the window. She laughs to herself and starts the drive back to their place. Deciding she shouldn’t leave Lexa once they’re back, when they’re stopped at a light calls Luna to take the rest of the day off. They finally have more help at the shop so she doesn’t feel as bad for calling off at such short notice since the new girl is already there.

 

When she parks the car she looks over at the still sleeping figure and wonders how she’s going to get her inside. She knows she wouldn’t be able to actually carry her, but if she wakes her up she’ll have to deal with the stubbornness. Then she gets another idea, she quickly exits the car, closing the door softly and heads into the building to find her solution. Gustus. The intimidating desk attendant that sometimes helps them bring their groceries up. She explains her situation, to which he simply chuckles, then leads him to her car. Gustus scoops Lexa up like she weighs nothing and follows her up to their apartment. She thanks him after he lays Lexa on her bed and promises to make him the cookies he likes soon. 

 

She takes Lexa’s shoes off but decides that the workout clothes are comfortable enough to leave on and forgoes having to undress her, pushing away any inappropriate thoughts that idea might have brought up. Okay, so that’s one thing that’s different. Maybe she’s just being considerate though.

 

She goes to the kitchen and pulls out the ingredients to make Lexa soup and starts a kettle for tea. 

 

Once it’s cooking, she makes to check on Lexa. She adds a spoonful of honey to the steaming cup, grabs some medicine and a water bottle and heads down the hall. She notices Lexa hasn’t moved a muscle since she left. She places the armful of items on the side table and reaches out to feel if Lexa has a fever. The brush of the back of her hand on the brunettes forehead causes the girl's eyes to flutter open. 

 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” She takes in the glossy eyed girls appearance and notices the effort it takes her to swallow. She offers the water bottle and pretends not to notice the wince from the action of drinking.

 

“Fine, what time is it?”

 

“You really are a terrible liar” She rolls her eyes and walks towards the door.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“To finish your soup, take the medicine. Oh and I hid my keys so don’t even think about leaving sicky.”

 

She hears the mumbled “I’m not sick” accompanied by a coughing fit and she shakes her head, thinking of how the next few days are going to go. Thankfully Lexa doesn’t put up too much protest for the rest of the day, probably due to exhaustion, yet she still adamantly argues she’s not sick.

 

She works out a schedule with Monroe, the new hire at Luna’s, so that she goes for the morning shift and can leave by lunch. She figures that was the best she could do without missing work completely and thought Lexa would most likely be sleeping in for the most part. She would still leave, water, some food, and medicine next to the bed for when she woke though.

 

She would get home and it would be the same thing, Lexa would complain about being a captive in her own home (yet she noticed she never tried to leave the bed other than to go to the bathroom) she would make some sort of soft food for her to eat and then she’d go off to do an odd chore around the apartment. For some reason always feeling like she wanted to do or say more, but not knowing what, so she would occupy herself with other things.

 

The third day it seemed to hit it’s peak. Lexa’s fever was at it’s highest and the girl hadn’t made one remark about not being sick. Lexa was also turning away food, but she did manage to make her drink some broth. She could tell Lexa was having a hard time falling asleep, no matter how beat she looked, because she kept shifting and grimacing in bed.

 

She walked around to the other side and sat on top of the covers. She has to admit, spending the last few days in her own bed have been slightly restless. She doesn’t understand why the other girl’s bed always calms her after her nightmares or prevent them in the first place. Okay, maybe she does know why and it has nothing to do with the bed and everything to do with the occupant, but again, she’s not thinking about that now.

 

She settles in and starts stroking her hand through the brunette curls, while humming a song her father used to sing to her when she was sick.

 

“You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t be here. You’ll, get sick too” the raspy voice muffled by the duvet makes her laugh.

 

“Oh, so you’re finally admitting you’re sick?”

 

“No.” it comes out in a wobbly voice and they both know it’s a weak protest.

 

“Either way, one of the only plus sides of my mother is my great immune system from spending so much time in hospitals, so I’m not worried.”

 

She continues her gentle actions until she thinks she hears Lexa’s breathing evened out. She moves to get off the bed, when a small “stay” causes her freeze. She looks over, Lexa hasn’t moved and maybe she hallucinated the word but she settles back in and restarts her motions.

 

About an hour later she’s bored out of her mind and even though she knows for sure that Lexa is sleeping now, she doesn’t want to leave her. She looks around for something to do before she remembers her sketch book is in the drawer of the other night stand. She removes it and opens it up to a blank page. Now all she had to figure out was what to draw. She looks over at the sleeping figure next to her, cheeks flushed with fever, mouth partially open, and hair sticking out all over the place, yet still looks so peaceful and something else. Okay, breathtaking, but she wasn’t letting that thought be voiced, she could however put it on paper. She starts with the sharp edges of a jaw, then the soft curve of a nose, then outline of plump but slightly chapped lips. Another thing that changed, she thought about those lips a lot more and she could no longer classify that as platonic.

 

“Is that me?” A hoarse voice causes her head to spring up from where she was just finishing some minor details. She quickly brings the sketchbook to her chest.

 

“No” Why is she even lying? They both know it’s obviously her, Lexa was literally looking right at it. She sighs “Yes.”

 

“You drew me?”

 

“It was either you or the wall” She hates that her instinct is always to deflect, especially when Lexa sounded so in awe. But it doesn’t seem like the other girl even heard her.

 

“Can I see it?”

 

She wants to say no, but that would probably be weirder and more suspicious than showing her. She drops her arms and hands over the book. She doesn’t want to watch Lexa scrutinize her drawing so she makes to excuse of going to get more medicine before making her hasty exit.

 

She’s gone far longer than necessary, opting to eat something herself and perhaps spends a bit more time than normal cleaning up, because when she’s back in Lexa’s room the brunette has fallen asleep again, only this time holding on to her sketch book. She places the medicine and water on the bedside table and tries to remove her book from Lexa’s freakishly strong grasp. She’s probably overthinking this, friends can draw each other. Lexa probably doesn’t see a deeper meaning to it. She doesn’t need to worry about talking about feelings or anything. 

 

She’s broken from her thoughts by the continuous buzzing of her phone. She tries to leave as silently as possible to not wake the sleeping girl and closes the bedroom door as she answers the call of a very inquiring Raven.

 

“Yeah Rae, as soon as Lexa’s better we're going to go look at the places you found and yes I have your "must have" question list. You're still going to try to video chat us right?"

  
_ "You could try to sound a little more enthusiastic, your best friend is moving in!” _

  
“Octavia’s my best friend and change your phrasing because you are not moving in, you're moving here." She jokingly deadpans.

  
_ "Call an ambulance I've been wounded! And if you don’t find me a place I will be living with you. Anyway, what’s with your mood? Someone piss in your breakfast today?” _

  
“No” she sighs out “I’m sorry, I'm just tired. I really am looking forward to you moving here.”

  
_ “Mhm I know. So not being able to cuddle up with lover girl really got you huh?” _

  
“Raven! Oh my god, that's not funny or true and I knew I never should have told you that. And also, don't call her that.” She denies it, yet feels her face flush and her heart speed up regardless.

  
_ “Still no forward motion on the clexa train?” _

  
“The what? You know what I don't want to know. Nothings going to happen.”

  
_ “What! I thought you told me you liked her too! You're my otp I've got money on you!” _

  
“You bet on me?! With who?”

  
_ “Pfft wha who me? No, that's just an expression. Potato tomato. Back to you, what changed? Did you talk?” _

  
“We're coming back to that. And no we didn't... I can't do it Rae.”

  
_ "Why not?”  _ Raven asks suddenly sounding a lot more serious.

  
She stays silent for a moment, not knowing if she really wants to voice her thoughts. “I'm scared. I- I've never felt like this before and it’s terrifying. I honestly thought I didn't want this kind of thing right now or anywhere in the near future. I don’t think it’d be fair to her anyway.”

  
_ “Can I tell you something?” _

  
“Please”

  
_ “I going to be serious for about three minutes. I know I said I didn't really love kyle but I really only say that to not seem so affected by what happened. I loved him, I thought he was it for me and I thought he thought so too. He told me he loved me and he slept with someone else. I made up the three-way thing because, he really told me I was the comfortable option, that I would always be there. And you know it kinda messed with my head a bit. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't enough. I didn’t see it, I trusted him and he used that against me. I didn't think I wanted to get in a relationship again because like how was I supposed to know who to trust. Plus it took awhile to really believe I had nothing to do with it. I know it's different from what you've went through but in a way it's the same. You're afraid of giving yourself to someone and having them use it against you, you don't want to get hurt again but those are the relationships you know. I’m not saying you can’t have reservations, but don’t keep yourself from being happy because some fuckwads tainted it for you. You can’t assume what Lexa wants and can handle either without talking to her. That’s not fair to either of you.” _

  
She’s truly at a loss for words and for some reason crying. She knows Raven didn’t tell her that to because she wants to talk about it, more so to comfort her fears and say she’s not being irrational.   
“When did you get so intuitive?” she chokes out.

  
_ “Always have been babe, I'm an all around genius” _

  
“thank you.” 

  
_ “Are you going to talk to her?” _

  
“I...Yeah, I will. Once she gets better.” She will, she’ll do it, she just has to keep telling herself this.

  
_ “I don’t know, I think it be pretty funny to see her reaction when she's fogged in but you know best.” _   
  


“This is a conversation I want her to be lucid for.”

 

_ “Yeah yeah you’re probably right. Anyways gotta head back in, text me when you guys know when you can go so I can plan.” _

 

“Don’t worry I will, I’ll talk to you later Rae. Oh and if you did bet on me, I get half.”

 

“Wh- _ Yeah...sounds fair. That means you gotta talk to her...Oh and Clarke?” _

 

“yeah?” 

 

_ “Just remember, Lexa almost cried when she accidentally squished the roly poly”  _

 

_ \------ _

 

After Lexa was better, the two of them were about to set off on what they agreed to and go look at a few places for Raven. Since neither of them had any plans that weekend, they’re Saturday would consist of touring four apartments. How exciting. They decided to go out for breakfast before hand and ended up at the IHOP they went to before Lexa had showed her the apartment they now lived in, coming full circle. 

 

They were seated at a table in the middle of the dining area looking over their menus when a perky looking blonde came up to them.

 

“Hi I’m Harper and I’ll be your server this morning! Can I start you ladies off with something to drink?” Even her voice was perky, but she knew that wasn't what annoyed her. 

 

“I’ll have a tea and water please.” She says and looks back down at the page of pancakes. She always finds it odd how most of the commercials for a pancake house are for waffles.

 

“And what about you honey?” That brings her attention back. Who calls strangers honey? She looks up at ‘Harper’ who is looking intently at Lexa in a more than friendly way. So that’s what it was. Lexa, however, is lost in food choices and scrunches her nose, like she does when she contemplates things. She can never help but smile at it.

 

“Mm I think just a coffee for me to start, thank you.”

 

“Coming right up beautiful! I’ll let you look over the menu more and then I’ll be back.” Alright that cannot be normal customer courtesy. She glances over at Lexa who still looks in debate over what she’s getting and not deterred by the waitress. Maybe things have changed since she worked in a restaurant, she was supposed to be overly nice to people then, maybe now they expect more.

 

“Do you know what you’re getting? I can’t decide between a country omelette or the stuffed french toast.”

 

“I guess you’re appetite is back.” She jests “I think I’m going to get the california scramble”

 

It doesn’t seem that long before  _ Harper  _ is back and taking her order first and rather quickly, before turning to Lexa.

 

“What can I get for you gorgeous?” Okay, that is definitely at least borderline flirting right? Probably too forward on any account as well. She narrows her eyes and watches the waitresses eyelids flutter, causing her to roll her eyes and a knot to form in her stomach.

 

“The split decision, with wheat toast and eggs over medium please.”

 

“I’ll go put that in for you beautiful.” And then Harper’s off, with what she knows is an exaggerated sway of her hips. She narrows her eyes at the retreating figure. No dignity, non what so ever. What if she and Lexa were together? Blatant disregard, of her or them as a possibility. Was it so hard to picture? She could picture it, could Lexa? She hates that  _ Harper  _ has barely done anything and is already making her head run in circles. Oh what she would do if- 

 

“So since Raven is somehow taking over our day even though she isn’t here did you want to go to art expo tomorrow?”

 

“You want to go to the art expo?”

 

“Sure why not? I can appreciate a good piece of art and pretend and nod along to any explanation given, besides I know  _ you  _ want to go.”

 

“Just because I would like to, doesn’t mean you have to go.” She doesn’t want to bore Lexa with her interests, no matter how much she has been dying to go.

 

“I know that, but I want to-”

 

“Here are your drinks, sorry I didn’t bring them out before, it’s a little crazy back there.”  Harper sets the aforementioned drinks down in front of them before turning to leave again, not without throwing a wink towards Lexa, of course. She internally scoffs. 

 

“Anyway” Lexa clears her throat and blinks away a look of confusion. “I want to go, you want to go, so it’s settled let’s go!”

 

The conversation turns to the apartments they will be looking at and how they’ll coordinate everything with Raven. She finds it odd and a bit irritating that  _ Harper  _ came back so many times in that brief discussion and they didn’t even have their food! Just for things like “ _ here’s your silverware”  _ or  _ “I almost forgot the syrup”  _ and  _ “I’m sure you’ll need some extra napkins, look at my boobs Lexa.”  _  okay only the first part of that last one is true but the rest was implied.  _ Harper  _ also always has something funny to say and her gut twists every time she hears Lexa laugh. She’s trying to tell herself she’s not jealous, she knows she is, but she has no reason to be. Well she has a reason to want to have a reason to be, but she hasn’t talked to Lexa and Lexa is free to do whatever or  _  whoever  _ she pleases. Which since Lexa hasn’t deterred the bubbly blonde at all it seems like she might. She should have talked to her earlier.

 

Eventually their food is ready and  _ Harper  _ brings it over along with drink refills, setting hers down without sparing her a glance. When She goes to set Lexa’s down though, she places a hand on her shoulder and leans over her. This action causes her to scoff and reflexively clench her fists, because surely she’s pushing it now and there were so many more acceptable ways to set a plate down without shoving certain assets into Lexa’s face. Could Harpy be any more desperate? But she only saw Lexa blush, making not move to get away.

 

“Are you alright Clarke?” Lexa voices and she looks up at the concerned and...amused(?) eyes.

 

“I’m fine.” She forces out. 

 

“Really? Because that exploded creamer in your hand says otherwise.” Sure enough she looks down to see the white liquid covering her hand, dripping down onto the table and partially onto her pants. Just great. She forces a smile and a tight laugh before looking back up at Lexa. She just catches the smirk on the retreating waitresses face, sending her own glare back.

 

“Oh that, I just am really hungry and got excited to see my food, and I don’t think it was sealed completely anyways. You know how kids are always playing with these things.” Lexa hums in a noncommittal agreeance, obviously not buying her story but Lexa knew when not to push, knowing she’ll talk when she’s ready. God she really lo-liked that about her.

 

The don’t talk much while they eat, both more hungry than they thought, plus she doesn’t want to say something she’ll regret. They do switch over their sides, Lexa’s fruit cup for her sausage, but other than seeing how the others food was it’s quiet. Maybe she could bring it up now though. That might be pretty rude if Lexa  _ is  _ into  _ Harper  _ but she needs to know and better do it before anything really happens. 

 

“Lexa?”

 

“hmm?”

 

“I wanted to talk to you about something.”

 

“okay” it's dragged out longer than necessary but that's probably due the fact that she used that as a precursor and her voice probably lacks all confidence.

 

“Um, well, I wanted to tell you...Lexa I-”

 

“Here you go!”  _ Harpy  _ brought the check over, she set it in front of Lexa before quickly retreating behind the counter watching intently with far too much hope in her eyes. Lexa reaches for it, but she snatches it before she can grab it. 

 

“I’m pretty sure you’ve paid for every meal we’ve had, it’s definitely my turn.”

 

“I don’t mind though.”

 

“I’m getting this one, if you really want you can take the next.” She opens up the black receipt book and takes out her wallet. She starts filling out the bill but stops at the tip portion. “How do you think our waitress was” she asks and hopes it sounds casual.

 

“Um she was good, I don’t think I’ve ever had a waiter check up on me so much.”  _ or check you out  _ she thinks, but just nods her head in agreeance. Knowing what it’s like being a waitress and how most of the income is from tips, she’s having an internal struggle over the amount. She sets it on the table to think for a second, which causes the restaurant copy to shift and the customer copy to come into view. Along with that is a scrawled out phone number next to a loopy ‘ _ call me’  _ a winky face and Harpy’s name. This just makes her blood boil in unwanted rage and she has to take deep breaths through her nose to calm herself before picking up the receipt.

 

“I believe this is for you.” She says in probably the most restrained monotonous voice she’s ever done as she sets the paper down in front of Lexa.

 

“What is- oh.” Lexa furrows her brows and looks down at the number before turning to look at the waitress who gives a flirty smile and small wave. “Oh” 

 

Lexa doesn’t show distaste or even crumple it like she was hoping. But why would she have? Who was she kidding earlier, Lexa can have anyone she wants and there are a lot better options out there than her.

 

She hurriedly forgoes paying with credit and throws enough cash in to cover the bill and a tip, just slightly less than twenty percent, much to her own protest, before standing up. “Alright we can go”

 

She quickly grabs her bag and heads towards the exit, trying to quell her jealous and numbing thought, willing herself to hold it together until she’s in the solitude of her own room..

 

“Clarke, wait up!”

 

She slows her pace a little to let Lexa catch up. She can feel the other girl's eyes on her but doesn't look over. They make it back to the car and drive to the first listed apartment in silence and it’s awkward and she wishes it wasn’t but she knows she’s making it that way.

 

They send Raven pictures, not being able to video call until the next one, but neither think this is the right one for the girl. It was too bland didn’t have built in fire sprinkles, which was kind of a must for Raven.

 

They make it through the second place, which is a little more promising, with Lexa walking around with Raven on the screen. She kind of feels bad for the aging relator how has to deal with her and answer questions about voltage capacities, surge protectors and where the nearest fire station is. She tries to distract herself with the layout and helping Raven but she can’t stop thinking about the phone number that she never saw Lexa throw away. 

 

They’re walking out of the third place where her curiosity gets the better of her.

 

“So are you going to call her?”

 

“Who Raven? Did we forget something? I thought she couldn’t talk again until four?”

 

“No. She can’t, I wasn’t talking about her.”

 

“Who are you talking about then?”

 

“Harpy-er. Are you going to call her?”

 

“Harper? Oh the waitress? Um I don’t know, probably not.”

 

“How come? She seemed...cute?”

 

“I guess she was yeah, but not really my type I suppose.”

 

“Hot blondes don’t do it for you?” She tries to keep her voice playful but her curiosity and possible disappointment manage to surface.

 

“No, no, definitely into blondes.” Lexa almost stutters out. So maybe there is still hope.

 

“So what was it then? Why aren’t you going to call? She seemed rather interested in you.” Her tone definitely changes with that

 

Lexa smirks at her “Why do you want to know so bad? Are you jealous?” she wiggles her eyebrows and there is a complete air of playfulness about her.

 

And yet she can’t stop how quickly the “Yes” falls from her lips, leaving her wide eyed and staring at an equally wide eyed frozen Lexa. The other who just keeps opening and closing her mouth, no words ever coming out.

 

“Wh-what?”

 

“Nothing! I didn’t say anything!”

 

“You did...You’re jealous?”

 

She sighs, so not how she pictured this conversation happening whenever she got the nerve to actually have it.

 

“I was- am, yeah I guess.”

 

“Really? But why?” Lexa’s looking at her like there’s some unsolvable puzzle that she needs to find the answer to.

 

“Why is anyone ever jealous?” deflecting while still pointing the conversation in the right direction, good move.

 

“Clarke I-”

 

“I know you like me.” she blurts out. this causes Lexa’s eyes to bulge out further

 

“What? Of course I like you we’re friends”

 

“No, I mean I know that you like me and in more than a “broken girl you rescued and became friends with” way, like actual feelings way”

 

“I don’t-..Wh-how?”

 

“Um, well according to Octavia and Raven and I’m pretty sure Lincoln, you aren’t very ...subtle? But I didn’t notice at first until you told me.”

 

“Told you? Me? When did I, I never-”

 

“You did, well in a roundabout way. After you went out for drinks with investors or whoever and I came and got you. You were being so cryptic and then you said how you wanted to ask me out but then Finn did. I now realize this was a few years ago and you might not still want to do that even if you did just tell me that or your feelings changed and you’re actually just being genuinely nice and-”

 

“No!”

 

“No?”

 

“I mean yes, I am being genuine because I care, but no I still want to ask you out I just didn’t want to assume you wanted that or push you into anything. Which is also kind of why I waited before, you had just moved in so I wanted to let you settle for a few weeks before I said anything, plus I wanted to figure out if you were even into girls...”

 

“Oh”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah, oh.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if there's anything I need to fix or if I should just rewrite it- honestly wouldn't be surprised and I'd do it. I love hearing what you guys think! Next chapter- "the talk" and citrus? xx


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said sunday but there was a funeral and I just wasn't up for finishing the chapter. It's here now though! They talk, have a mock date and Lexa attempts to woo

“So”

 

“So”

 

More silence. This wasn’t how she pictured this going. They were just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, staring at eachother. It seemed like it was her “turn” to say something but she wasn’t sure what. She was supposed to wait, to have more time to figure out how to say everything that needed to be said. But here they were.

 

“I think we should talk” She finally breaks the silence.

 

“Okay” Lexa nods and starts to walk to the car again.

 

The drive is silent. The most uncomfortable, deafening silence, they’ve ever had between them. She really wishes it wasn’t. Wishes she could say something to make it go away but again, what? This wasn’t a conversation to have in a car. It’s not like it’s anything bad, but it should have their full attention. She doesn’t even know where they’re going though.They’re driving in the opposite direction of their apartment. Another thing she didn’t really think out, what if this doesn’t go how she thought it would, would they still be able to live together? No, she has to think positive.

 

The car stops and brings her back to reality. She looks out the window and a small pond with some picnic tables surrounding it.

 

“I figured it’s a nice play and no one's here so” Lexa tapers off. It really is perfect, the calming nature aspect allowing them to feel unconfined and open. Leave it to Lexa to consider everything.

 

She nods and offers a smile that she hopes conveys what she can’t say at the moment and leaves the car, walking towards a table. Lexa slowly sits across from her and again silence consumes them. She has to be the one to break it though, she knows that. She’s the one that blurted everything out in the first place. Though there’s one thing she’s not sure if she’s made clear, she should probably start with that.

 

“I uh, I like you too. In case I hadn’t said that.” God that sound so childish, but how else could she phrase it? She watches Lexa swallow and some of the tension leaves her shoulders.

 

“You didn’t.”

 

“Oh, well...now you know.” She tries to laugh it off, add humor or something to the situation, but her voice is definitely three octaves higher and sounds more panicked than anything.

 

“I do, so what does this mean?” And she can tell Lexa is trying to keep her voice measured but it wavers slightly at the end of her sentence.

 

“Well I um, I don’t know” She has some idea but doesn’t want to say it.

 

“What do you want it to mean?”

 

“Why are we only asking me questions?”

 

“You’re the one who brought it up.” Lexa points out and it’s said so softly and without accusation, just fact but still.

 

“By accident!” She watches Lexa’s shoulders slump, okay wrong phrasing “Not that I wasn’t going to bring it up! I just, I didn’t know when or how to before and then it just kind of slipped out.”

 

“So you wanted to talk about it?”

 

“Yes, I did. After I found out I needed time to think. I was more confused than anything and I wanted to see if i noticed you acting differently towards me than-”

 

“I was never trying to come on to you, I would never do that-”

 

“That’s not what I meant!” She rushes out. She really needs to work on her wording. “That’s not what I meant.” She tries again. “I wanted to see if it was all some drunken old regret resurfacing or if you still had feelings for me. I know, I know you wouldn’t do that.”

 

“Okay. Well, what did you find out?” Lexa asks with a slightly more relaxed posture.

 

“About?”

 

“Me. Did you figure out my feelings, apparently I’m an open book according to your friends.” They should really stop trying to bring humor into this, especially sarcastic humor.

 

“They’re your friends too.” She chides, okay so maybe not.

 

“Stop deflecting” Busted. Alright, she can do this.

 

“I mean I’d like to hope I know what they are.” 

 

“They are” Lexa says firmly before looking up and it’s the first time they’ve made eye contact since they got here. “so what do you want that to mean?”

 

“Why do you keep asking me that?”

 

“Because, this is something you have been thinking about. Up until twenty minutes ago I hadn’t put much thought into it because nothing was going to happen. I didn’t know how you felt and it wouldn’t have been fair of me to put on you, so I didn’t think about it. So what have you been thinking about?”

 

“I- well I just wanted to...I want...I don’t think it’s- god why can’t I come up with the words to say what I want to say!” She groans, irritated with herself, and puts her head in her hands. She will not let her frustrated tears fall.

 

“We’ve got time, just take a minute” Lexa reassures, placing a hand on her shoulder.

 

“I have taken a lot of minutes, that’s just it. I never seem to know what I’m thinking everything is always so jumbled and that reminds me of the only clear thought I have and that’s that none of this is fair to you!” She rushes out with a higher voice than intended causing Lexa to furrow her brow.

 

“I’m not following”

 

“This makes everything messy. I feel like I would only weigh you down if anything were to happen. I’m still not okay and I wouldn’t be able to give you what you need or be some shiny happy person that you deserve. There are plenty of girls out there that dream of being with you and can fully be with you. I don’t want you to not try and be happy with one of them because I told you I liked you, that’s not fair of me. You deserve so much more and I can’t give it to you.”

 

“I think I deserve to be able to decide who I’m with and what’s fair to me and it’s not them. If you don’t want to start something right now, I get it, it’s understandable, and I wouldn’t ask you otherwise. You wouldn’t need to give me more than you already do though and no one is shiny and happy all of the time. Real life isn’t happy all of the time. But you, as much as you don’t see it, make me happy. And that’s just in a friendship capacity.”

 

“You make me happy too.” She barely audibly replies. “You make me feel so much I can’t describe and it scares the shit out of me. I didn’t expect to fa- to feel so much and it’s so intense, like nothing else and I don’t understand it. But you also make me feel normal and safe and I don’t want to lose that.”

 

“You won’t”

 

“You don’t know that”

 

“But I can do my best to make it true.”

 

“God you say things like that and and you’re just so  _ good  _ I can’t ask you to deal with me more than you already do.”

 

“Then I’ll ask. Let me be there, if you want it too, let’s see where this can go, at whatever pace you want.” Lexa says with renewed hope and takes one of her hands. “You say deal with like you’re some kind of hardship but honestly you’re one of the greatest things that’s ever happened to me. And for the record, I don’t think it’s possible to spend any more time together than we do already unless we both quit our jobs, but I really like the time we do spend together.”

 

“We shouldn’t have to go at my pace though.”

 

“Then we’ll make our own. We don’t have to jump into anything.”

 

“We live together.” It’s one of her biggest worries.

 

“So we already know that we tolerate each other.”

 

“This would change everything.”

 

“Change isn’t bad and a lot would stay the same but the changes could be good.” Lexa reasons, and again it’s practical and fact. Not pushing just expanding. “Do you have any other concerns?”

“Not at the moment...Are you sure?” She asks after a few more moment of silence.

 

“More than anything, but only if you are” And a hand is brought to her chin and her eyes are brought back up to shining green ones. 

 

So much passes between them. Everything that can’t be said at the moment is expressed through a look. A reassuring look that tells her this is real. But she still has her reservations.

 

“You could have anyone” She whispers

 

“But they aren’t you”

 

“What” she scoffs “the epitome of emotional trash? Someone else's garbage? I cry at practically everything lately.” Okay so obviously she still needs to work on the go to self deprecation. Instead of pity she watches something else pass over Lexa’s face. 

 

“Garbage huh? Is that what you think? Well, if that’s the case as a lover of the environment I must insist I pick you up, let’s say seven o’clock tomorrow?”

 

She blinks, dumbfounded by the change of the conversations mood. Humor that actually flowed. “Did, did you just- I can’t believe. Oh my god! You are such a dork!” 

 

“Oh that’s nothing. You haven’t seen anything yet.”

 

“Oh really? So I get to witness more dorkiness?”

 

“Well I guess that depends on if you know what you want now.” 

 

She takes a deep breath. Go with instinct, no more hiding. “I want to see where this could go.”

 

“So you’re giving me permission to unleash the corniness that comes with that?”

 

She laughs “I’m actually really curious to see what that entails.”

 

“Oh it’ll woo you for sure. I can be cheesier than your five cheese macaroni.”

 

“Oh lord” She mock groans before looking into her favorite pair of eyes again. “Are you really sure about this?” She has to ask one more time because this still doesn’t seem real.

 

“Clarke, I never joke about my cheesiness. Seriously though, I love being your friend and I will continue to be no matter what. I know what I want and if you want the same thing, then yes I’m really really sure”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Okay. And I'm going to be better. For me and for you, I want this too.”

 

They stayed there for a few more hours, talking about random things they want to do and about the art expo the next day. Although they had basically decided to be together neither was sure where it put them at the moment or how exactly to move forward. For the moment they were simply enjoying feeling comfortable again, silence or not.

 

\------

 

Sunday rolls around and starts with her making homemade cinnamon rolls and turkey bacon, Lexa’ s new found favorite. She wants to start somewhere and what better way than with food. 

 

Their only plan for the day is the art expo and that goes from noon until six so they decided they would relax for a bit and go around two.

 

She’s really looking forward to going since she hasn’t been to any type of exhibit since she moved here and she’s missed the atmosphere that comes with events like this, well and losing herself in someone else’s work. Her excitement gives her a burst of inspiration and she spends her morning getting lost in a sea of acrylic colors. 

 

She’s finally managed to clean herself up and get ready when she hears a knock on the front door. They aren’t expecting anyone or any deliveries so she walks down the hall with a slight frown, especially when Lexa doesn’t come out of her room to check.

 

She doesn’t see anything through the peephole, but opens the door incase they, for some reason, did get a package. What greets her on the other side is Lexa, standing in front of her with a bouquet of flowers and a shy smile. She’s slightly taken aback and a little confused by the gesture. Yet also hesitant but hopeful to think that they’re for her. Okay she's pretty positive they're for her, but this was just them going out as friends wasn’t it?

 

“What’s this?” She asks, nodding her head towards the colorful bunch hoping the pounding in her chest isn't audible.

 

“These are for you. I figured we could treat tonight like an unofficial date. That way we can see what it’s like, with no pressure, no expectations, just us enjoying some art and each other’s company.... Unless you think it’s a bad idea then we can just go and forget I said anything. I should have talked to you about it fir-”

 

“It’s a great idea” she says cutting off the other girls rambling. “These are perfect, thank you” She takes the offered flowers and gives Lexa’s hand a squeeze, watching her release a breath and relax. “No expectations? Do we still get dinner out of it?”

 

“Of course” Lexa scoffs, like it’s the silliest question she’s heard. “That’s a given.”

 

“Okay. But I’m paying.” She says as she quickly turns around to find a vase.

 

“But it was my idea!” Lexa calls out, moving to follow her.

 

“And I already told you it was a good one. You pay for practically everything!” She says when Lexa tries to protest again, but seeing she’s not going to sway her easily she tries a different tactic. “How about whoever spots the most pretentious pretender at the expo pays.”

 

“Ugh, fine.”

 

“You know, that’s backwards logic to most people. Usually they try to get out of paying.”

 

“Yeah well, we’re not most people. Are you ready to go?”

 

“I thought I was but I don’t think I’m dressed for this date now, mock or not.”

 

“Hey, no expectations remember? It’s not a real date. Regardless, you look wonderful.”

 

“Not like you do, but I’ll take your word for it.” 

 

\------

 

The expo is everything she could hope for and more. The large convention center is packed full of all mediums of art and she’s kind of wishing they had got there when it opened because there’s no way she’ll be able to see everything she wants to. They decide to leave photography, ceramics, and woodwork, for the if they have time, slot, and make their way through rooms and rooms of canvases.

 

They've seen a lot of pretentious candidates but at the moment it’s narrowed down to Lexa’s candidate- a man with an expensive looking suit, way overdressed for the event, who keeps trying to win over women by talking about all the stock he owns, but the kicker is the store tags are still sticking out from the back of the jacket like he's just going to return it after- She says they don’t know if that’s true or not so they shouldn’t count it but Lexa’s adamant about it. Her nominee is a man who has been on a twenty minute lesson over the timelessness of cubism and how clear Picasso's message is in the piece he’s standing in front of. However the expo is only for artists of this decade and he’s currently mislabeling an Evgeni Alexeev. 

 

Needless to say her pick won and she only rubbed it in Lexa’s face a little. They end up going to a small diner they hadn't been to before but wanted to try, to eat. It's surprisingly empty for a Sunday evening, but it's nice to be able have a peaceful dinner out. They're sat there after ordering talking about what their week is going to look like before there's a small lull in the conversation. 

 

“Okay so typically at this point in a date it’s where we’d ask questions get to know each other more but we already know a lot about each other, so I don’t know how to make it more datey.” Lexa brings up just as their appetizer is dropped off.

 

“Well let’s make the questions more interesting then. Besides I still think there’s probably a lot we don’t know.”

 

“Interesting how?”

 

“I don’t know, like random. You know, like what’s a word that gives you the heebee geebees?”

 

“Excuse me what? That’s a thing?”

 

“Oh for sure. Raven practically gags anytime she hears the word moist, O can’t stand the word panties, and for some reason I cringe when I hear any variation of munch.” Grimacing slightly just saying it, but point proven.

 

“Huh, weird. Okay let me think about it...oo I know I’ve never liked how ointment sounded when I say it.”

 

“Do you say that word a lot? Something I should know about?” She teases.

 

“Wh-no! Just the random times that I’ve ever had to, not a fan of it.”

 

“Fair enough, alright, now you come up with one.”

 

“Okay how about a good memory from highschool?”

 

“Oh the first one that came to my mind was prom night junior year.”

 

“I don’t know if I want to hear about this, I could just take your word for it.”

 

“What? Oh. No that’s not what I was going for, but that was also great.” She says with a wink. “No so you know what highschool mentality is like, when you’re considered popular and everything you do is cool, especially if it doesn’t follow the rules.”

 

“I must admit I was a rule follower but I know what you mean, continue.”

 

“Oh that’s shocking. Okay, so after the dance was over we went over to Wells’ house for a smaller after party and may or may not have broken into his dad’s liquor cabinet. We did though and all got pretty drunk and later on super hungry. We decided to go to taco bell because it was in walking distance but the eating area was already closed. So Raven pried open the door anyway and the two employees that were there were shocked to see thirteen teenagers in dress wear barge in. I don’t even remember what they said but we all ordered a bunch of different things and I’m pretty sure they gave us all a bunch of generic tacos, but we thought we were the shit for ‘ _ breaking into’ _ taco bell. Even though it was literally by two minutes and the drive thru was still going. We were a bunch of assholes really but for most of us it was our only night of freedom. That was probably one of those had to be there stories but it’s my best memory”  

 

“No, no I don’t think that. Although I don’t even know what to say to that either. Those poor employees don’t get paid enough for that.”

 

“Hey! I gave them a generous tip and made sure no one made a mess.”

 

“Oh how thoughtful of you.”

 

“Whatever, we gave them a story to tell.”

 

“And a reason to upgrade their locks.”

 

“Rude.”

 

“That does sound like a good memory though. I don’t have anything like that, but it’s your turn to ask a question.”

 

“Hmm, well I have one that isn’t random. I know you said your mom fostered, but does she still do that? Do you have any siblings? That seems like something important to know.”

 

“That’s two questions.”

 

“They lump together!”

 

“Fair enough, well she doesn’t do it as often, just when someone asks her to because they know she can handle all sensitive cases and such. Right now she only has a little boy, who has been with her for two years. She only ever adopted me though, so I only had the occasional foster sibling. If things weren’t so complicated I’m sure she’d adopt Aden in a heartbeat, he’s got her wrapped around his finger.”

 

“What’s making it complicated?”

 

“The dad is jail and won’t release custody rights, probably because he thinks he can somehow get money out of it. His rights should have been stripped since he killed Adens mom and beat him, but there was evidence tampering so he got a lighter sentencing which in itself is still a miracle because the case didn’t get thrown out altogether, and plead not guilty on the child abuse so he still has a say.”

 

“Oh my god that’s horrible! What are they going to do?”

 

“They’re reworking it with new evidence, they only have another year before he’s out though. Anyways that’s depressing. Aden’s a great kid, you’d never know what he’s been through and he has such a crazy imagination it’s ridiculous. Everytime I see him I never know what to expect he’s always a different made up character.”

 

They finish dinner after moving on from random questions to just normal conversation and the expo and are now just putting their left overs away when a wave of exhaustions settles over her.

 

“So was that part of your wooing? Because it was great and all but not much different than normal.”

 

“Oh please. No, the wooing comes tomorrow. I had to get somethings first.”

 

“Is it really that elaborate?”

 

“No.”

 

“That’s all I get? No?”

 

“Yep” 

 

“Alright well since you’re being so talkative now, I’m going to head to bed then. I’ve got an early start tomorrow.”

 

“Okay, sleep well, I probably won’t see you until you’re home then.”

 

“Mhmm and I’m stopping at the store on my way back so text me if you remember something not on the list.”

 

“I will, goodnight Clarke.”

 

“Goodnight. Oh and thank you for the non-date, I had a really good time.”

 

“Me too.”

 

\-----

 

Lexa’s wooing leaves her equal parts amused and confused.

 

It starts when she finds a lime sitting on the pillow next to her when she wakes up. When she expects it closer she sees  _ ‘are you a magician? Because abraca-dayum’  _ written on it with sharpie. She laughs before moving to start the coffee and of course her mug is also adorning a post-it message of  _ ‘I like you a latte’. _ Lexa is asleep so she can’t ask her about it, so she goes about her morning routine.

 

She finds a second lime placed in her shoe as she’s about to leave. The saying on that one was - _ ’ _ _ Are you a camera? Because every time I see you, I smile.’-  _ She grins and shakes her head before heading out. Only to be greeted by another one in her car - _ ‘no wonder the sky is grey, all the blue is in your eyes’  _ and she’s really starting to understand how cheesy Lexa truly is.

 

She makes it to work and figures she’s in the clear for the time being but is greeted by a fourth lime, sitting on the counter-  _ ‘you’re so sweet you’ll put Luna out of business.’  _  and an accompanying smirk from Luna.

 

By lunch nothing else has popped up and her day has gone pretty normally, even learning a the best way to roll out fondant. When she sits at the back table and pulls out her lunch she finds things that she knows she didn’t pack. The first a banana that says _I find you a-peel-ing_ as well as what looks like a container of melon, but she’s quickly corrected by the message ‘ _honeydew_ _you know how fine you are?’_ Another eye roll and she happily eats the extra fruit before starting the last batch of cupcakes and finishing her shift.

 

She get’s home and notices Lexa’s car is there, so she heads up ready to tease the girl over her self proclaimed cheesiness and apparent affinity for pick up lines. Unfortunately Lexa seems to be on some sort of conference call, so she decides to take a quick shower instead. When she goes to turn the water on, lo and behold, the fifth lime of the day is on the floor of the tub and she barely looks at the line-  _ ‘if you were a booger I’d pick you first’ _ \- before leaving the bathroom. How did she even know?

 

“Okay that is really unsanitary!” She exclaims down the hallway.

 

“I was running out of ideas!” Comes a muffled response before Lexa comes out of her bedroom.

 

“I was talking about the shower but that too now that you mention it.”

 

“What? Showers are clean!”

 

“Because I clean it!”

 

“Exactly so I know it's clean!”

 

“Lexa what's the deal with the cheesy lines on the limes? Well and the other food.”

 

“Don't you get it? They're pick-up  _ limes  _ Clarke, pick-up limes!”

 

“And the banana and melon?”

 

“They went with the joke and you needed food.” She shrugs like it’s the most obvious reasoning.

 

“Oh my god so this is what you meant by wooing?”

 

“Oh come on it's pick up limes! It's classic and besides I told you I was cheesy.”

 

“I don’t think you know what classic means and I stand by my dork statement, that is a whole other level.”

 

“No arguments their, so?”

 

“So what?”

 

“Are you wooed?” 

 

“Utterly captivated.” She says in a sarcastic tone before breaking out into a huge grin. “No I'm serious it was great and made me smile, definitely not what I was expecting. But what are we supposed to do with all of them? I don’t cook with limes.”

 

“Limeritas?”

 

“Oh now you're wooing.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! Next chapter- Clarkes turn to woo and an actual date happens. They'll figure it out. Thanks for reading xx


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little rushed and shorter than the others, but with finals coming up I wanted to have something up before I disappear again. But first date sort of!

Monday's workday was uneventful, not many people came in and Luna was busy training another new hire so she was left to run the shop. It went by relatively quickly, but it is one of her shorter work days. She always gets out early on Monday's for therapy with Niylah, which is a nice ease back into work.

 

She's currently sitting in what she considers her seat, even though she knows a lot of other people occupy it over the week. They've already gone over more of her relationship with Finn and how it still affects her but she's noticed a lot of changes recently. She knows she still has a ways to go, but she is actually feeling better. She feels better than she's ever felt, than she ever knew she could feel. There is still a small part of herself that is just waiting for something to happen. Something with Finn. With her mother, but that's probably inevitable. With Lexa. That scares her the most. That none of that is real. But it has to be, it can't not be. She wouldn't come back from it if it wasn't. 

 

“How are things at home?”

 

“Good.”

 

“That's all?” she chews her lip, she doesn't know why she's hesitant to talk about Lexa.  Especially when that's all she wants to do.

 

“Lexa and I talked over the weekend.”

 

“What did you talk about?” Niylah asks, always making her be direct and not brush off anything.

 

“I let it slipped that I like her, so we talked about that.”

 

“Oh?” She can see the surprise flicker briefly across Niylah’s face and it's the first time she thinks that she's seen something other than impassive or reassuring. “How did that go?”

 

“I got frustrated and as usual Lexa stayed calm and worked through my doubts.”

 

“What were you doubting?”

 

“How any of it would work and if I was ready for a relationship, if I was just going to drive her away.”

 

“What conclusion did you come to?”

 

“That we would just see what happens. Do you think it's too soon? I didn't think I'd even think about dating for the longest time after I finally accepted everything with Finn.”

 

“As we have discussed before, everyone’s path is different. It’s good to have goals, but you shouldn't put limitations on it and hold yourself back from something if it feels right.”

 

“But how do I  _ know  _ it's right? What if it turns out to be like before?”

 

“Let’s try this, if the answers to the next two questions indicate something wrong we will talk about it, okay?” she nods “Alright the first question I want you to think about is, does she add or subtract to your life? In all aspects and any minor details you might not think are a big deal. The second questions is do you have to compromise or change anything about yourself in order to please her? Take the week to think those over and we'll talk about what you come up with then.”

 

“What do I do until then?”

 

“Keep going at your pace, perhaps plan something for the two of you to do.”

 

\-----

 

“What's your Friday look like?” She asks Lexa once there's a lull in their breakfast conversation.

 

“I believe I only have a client at nine and the monthly board meeting at one scheduled at the moment.”

 

“Oh what do you do at the meeting?”

 

“Mm just making sure nothing horrible happened in the last thirty days and a project proposal. I really just have to sit there.”

 

“How fun” she drawls out and stands to wash her dish.

 

“Highlight of my life really.” Lexa quips back.

 

“So what time are you done then?” She asks as she starts to fiddle with the towel in her hands.

 

“Well typically I don't schedule anything after the meetings since I never know how long it'll be but it should be straightforward so I'd say around four at the latest.”

 

“Perfect, don't plan anything for after.” She spent the last night researching things for them to do and she thinks she found something Lexa would love. But she doesn't want to give anything away so she covers her excitement by walking over to put on her shoes to leave for work.

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Prepare to be wooed Woods.” she throws over her shoulder as she rushed out the door. Just catching the “What- Clarke!” before it shuts behind her.

 

\-------

 

It seems like Friday comes quicker than it normally does. With each day that passed her nerves only grew. Lexa hadn't given up trying to get any bit of information out of her, but she remained tight lipped the whole week. It was amusing and for a few moments it would always distract herself from second guessing her plan for the date. She didn't even ask Lexa though, so technically it wasn't even a date. Was It? Maybe that was something she should bring up once they were there.

 

Then to add to her anxiety levels, Lexa gets done far earlier than anticipated. She got a text at two saying she was leaving which threw off her whole plan. Sure it really isn't that big of a deal, but she doesn't want to sit around their apartment before it's finally time to leave because she knows she'll only get more nervous. 

 

So she quickly comes up with another plan and a distraction. Lexa barely has time to change before she's dragging her back to the car.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“You'll see.”

 

The drive is only about ten minutes and soon their destination becomes visible.

 

“We're going to the arcade?” Lexa asks with a mix of confusion and excitement.

 

“Yep!” it was the first thing she thought of and they hadn't been there yet so it could be fun. They only needed to waste an hour because it would take another hour to get to their actual location.

 

They walk in and she immediately beats Lexa to the money exchange and comes back with a full cup of tokens.

 

They start off at one of the racing games where they actually straddle the fake motorcycle contraption making it more realistic. Lexa comes in third while she takes sixth place. The second round Lexa manages to claim first and she bumps up to fourth. They move on to a wheel of fortune game which they eventually seen rigged before she spots one of her favorites.

 

“Look skeeball!” she pulls Lexa over to the two open games and inserts the tokens. She doesn't know how or why she's so good at it, all she does know is that ever since she was a kid she was unnaturally gifted at it. Which she proves by landing the first three balls in the hundred whole.

 

“Yes!” she jumps up in excitement picking up the next ball before looking over to Lexa who is sporting her signature pout. Looking at her score it seems like she's only managed to get three tens and a twenty.

 

“How are you so good at this?”

 

“Raw skills. Just don't think so hard about it.” She says as she rolls the ball in her hand up the lane. Sure enough it goes straight into the hundred hole again. 

 

“I thought you were supposed to be wooing me. Shouldn't you be letting me win?”

 

“Now where's the fun in that?”

 

“It would be fun for me!”

 

“Oh stop pouting, well do something you're good at next.”

 

She sticks to her promise and ends up embarrassing herself on DDR, while Lexa earns a the new high score. They can't hold all of their tickets manageably anymore so they go to the counter and Lexa picks out a stuffed squid as their prize. She looks at her watch and notices that they have to leave now or they'll be late.

 

“Alright let's go” she claps her hands together and starts to head for the exit.

 

“Wait, what? We've only done like four things.”

 

“Seems like a good amount.” 

 

“Really that's it?”

 

“Yeah I'm getting kind of bored” She says trying to mask her newfound nerves. She really wants to keep this a surprise for as long as possible.

 

“Oh okay so you want to go eat something before we go home?” She doesn't want to keep shutting down her ideas but they really have to go and there will be food there.

 

“Nah let's just go.” She says again and makes her way to the car.

 

“Alright.” She hears Lexa sigh out. And she feels kind of bad but she can't wait to see her reaction to what she has planned. She insists on driving again and receiving no protest they head out towards their intended stop of the evening.

 

“Clarke our place is in the other direction” Lexa points out when she turns at the first light.

 

“Oh is it?” She feigns innocence.

 

“Yes and I know you know that. Where are we going?”

 

“You'll see.”

 

“Claarke.”

 

“it's a surprise Lexa.”

 

Lexa gives up her questioning after forty minutes in the car and then they just talk normally for the remainder of the trip.

 

“Are we almost there?”

 

“You'll see, but close your eyes.”

 

“You know you just contradicted yourself right?”

 

“Oh hush and close your eyes, no peaking.”

 

“Okay okay.” Lexa talents and closes her eyes, just in time to as she spots the building.

 

“I found this place online and it had really good reviews so I hope you like it” 

 

“Is it food?”

 

“Nope, well there will be food but it's not the point.”

 

“Can I open my eyes now?”

 

“Sure.” She's already parked and now she watches Lexa’s face as the girl takes in what they'll be doing. Mostly she sees disbelief.

 

“Candle making?” Lexa turns to her with her mouth gaping open.

 

“Oh don't look so shocked. We may only have like five out at a time but don't think I haven't noticed they get swapped every week or two or that I haven't seen those bins in your closet full of them. Now come on, our appointment is in five minutes.”

 

They walk into the open shop and are greeted by bearded man who reminds her a bit of Gustus.

 

“Good evening ladies, my name is Nyko.” They both introduce themselves before he continues. “If you’d follow me I will show you around the shop and explain how this works” he says as he leads them over to row after row of shelves. “Alright so here we have our selection of scent infusers and oils, you can pick two per candle. If you would like more there’s an added cost but I always recommend sticking with the two to not overpower the scent.” he then brings them over to tubs of colorful pieces of wax. “Here are the wax scraps you can choose from for your candle color. We do the dipping technique and the mold base candles here so we generally only allow one color per candle for beginners. You have signed up for three mold and two dipped each so I will go get your boilers and vat set up before I give a small demonstration and then I’ll bring over your wine and crudites and cheese tray”

 

The demonstration was fairly straight forward and before they know it their molds are setting and they're dipping their wick string in the vats.

 

“How is yours already that big?” she asks in disbelief when she pauses to look over at Lexas.

 

“I don't know, I guess raw skills.” Lexa jokes.

 

“There goes my plan.” she mumbles

 

“What was that?”

 

“Nothing”

 

“Something”

 

“I just had an idea but it's fine this is going well.”

 

“What was it?”

 

“It was stupid, I didn't really think it through anyways.”

 

“Oh come on what was it?”

 

She had wanted to show Lexa that she was fine with more intimate gestures or touching and even initiate it. Lexa had tried once over the week but had caught her off guard and her whole body flinched. So she wanted to clear things up, knowing Lexa wouldn't try again.

 

“Alright well when I first saw this set up I thought of that scene from that Patrick swayze movie. So like I'd ‘help’ you. Obviously it's not the same, we're both girls and it's wax  instead of clay and I'm not dead and this is way easier than that...I just wanted show that I'm okay with things like that, and I was Wednesday too. I was just startled at first.” She didn't really think that this was nothing like clay and is pretty simple and of course Lexa was better at it anyway.

 

“Well let's not let your planning go to waste. Come help me finish this? My hand  _ is _ starting to cramp.” She rolls her eyes but can't help the smile that takes over her face as she discards her stuff and moves to sit behind Lexa.

 

They finish their candles and make it back to their place by nine and decide to watch TV before calling it a night.

 

“I don't think I thanked you for tonight. That was a lot of fun, I still can't believe I wasn't more discrete with my collection. But that was awesome, thank you.”

 

“I'm glad you liked it.”

 

“Oh I loved it, I didn't even know it was a thing around here. We'll definitely have to go back-”

 

“Was it a date?” She blurts out, startling Lexa.

 

“Do you want it to be?”

 

“Well I had planned for it to be but then I never actually asked you so I didn't think that I could actually consider it one and-”

 

“it was a date. Probably the best I've been on. I don't know how it could be topped, consider me wooed.” Lexa cuts her off with a sincere look and a grin.

 

“okay. Good.”

 

They continue watching whatever's on. Well Lexa watches it. She sits there and watches Lexa and thinks. She knows Lexa only adds to her life and makes it better. Lexa doesn't ask her to change, if anything Lexa kindly points out if she does try to adjust something or dismisses  something like she would with Finn. And the more she thinks about it the more she realizes how deep she already is. And that terrifies her. She looks down at Lexa, whose head is now on her lap as she fell asleep. This girl, already has more of her than she thought. Stroking her fingers through the brown locks to keep it out of a slightly parted mouth, she revels in the closeness. She’s opening herself up and she can only hope it doesn’t backfire.

 

“Please don’t hurt me.” She whispers.

 

\--------

 

“You know what I’ve been thinking about?” She randomly asks during dinner the next day.

 

“Mm how you think George is a better name for a planet than Uranus and you’re mad they changed it?”

 

“Um. No, not at all..what?”

 

“Oh, sorry. What were you thinking about?”

 

“Is that really a thing?”

 

“Yes! Were you not paying attention to the show last night?” Lexa excitedly says before her look turns to disbelief.

 

“Huh, must’ve missed that part.” She shrugs and laughs at the other girls antics.

 

“Well it’s true, anyway you were thinking?”

 

“What? Oh yeah! About those dogs.” She begins.

 

“We already went over this we don’t have the space or time for a dog, after we move we can talk about it”

 

“I know party pooper, but what about something else?”

 

“Something else?”

 

“Yeah like a different pet.”

 

“We're so not getting a cat.”

 

“What kind of lesbian  _ are  _ you?” She mocks shocked

 

“One that hates cats.” Lexa deadpanned

 

“Fine,” She huffs “what about a bunny?”

 

“A rabbit?” Lexa questions, with an incredulous look.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I think I'd rather have a clean apartment instead. What about a fish.”

 

“Oh come on. They can be really clean, especially if you train them right.”

 

“You can train a rabbit?”

 

“Yeah! It's not actually that hard either”

 

“Mm I don't know it'd still be a lot if work.” 

 

“Will you at least think about it? I'd talk care of it, you wouldn't have to do anything. Please? Niylah says it could be really good for me” she tacks on for an extra push and maybe a little guilt trip. She knows she’ll win when she sees Lexa put her head down and sigh.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay we can get a rabbit or okay you'll think about it?” She asks, hoping it’s the former.

 

“Okay I'll think about it.” She’ll take it.

  
“Yes! thank you!” She squeals, giving Lexa a quick kiss on the cheek before sprinting off to text Octavia and Raven about the bunny that they are  _ definitely  _ getting. Already having done her research and picking out the perfect one. Lexa won’t be able to say no to his adorable face once she sees him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more fluff is up before the last teensy bit of drama comes up. Let me know what you think or if you want to see something!
> 
> Funny/awkward story-  
> I was in the car with my family and my 95y/o grandma and I point out a building with a giant Heart on the side of the building and my dear dear grandma goes "What do you know about hard ons?"...she's also the one that says "I'm German, but I'm Irish by injection!", I can't take her anywhere...I'll die by mortification, I do not want to think about that stuff in terms of my Grandma. Okay bye.
> 
> oh if any one knows orgo, please help a girl out


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still reading thank you, sorry I took so long to get back to it. I have a question regarding future chapters in the end notes if you'd kindly give your input to xx

Three weeks, four more dates, and generally feeling more confident in her feelings later, she’s sitting in Lincoln and Octavia’s living room waiting for Lexa and Lincoln to leave for a meeting. They’re trying to expand their youth programs, but need approval from all of their investors before they’re able to put anything into action.

 

So while they were there, she was going to be bombarded with questions no doubt about her _lovelife._ Octavia had been pestering her nonstop lately, apparently having been _neglected_ and _needing bestfriend time_ _and gossip-_ but that wouldn’t come until they were alone, so for now she was safe.

 

“Oh, I forgot to ask you if you would be able to pick up Raven from the airport Tuesday. I had a client reschedule and if I weren’t afraid to lose them, I’d have told them no.” Octavia says, scrunching her face with a pleading mixture of hope and guilt. 

 

“Well, I have work, but I can call Monroe and see if we can switch shifts.”

 

“Really? Are you sure? I can ask Lincoln if he can move his stuff around.”

 

“No no I’m sure. I mean I won’t know for sure until I ask but Monroe deserves an off weekend. She always gets stuck with them being the new girl.” She says, but doesn’t think it’s going to be a no. It’s not too short notice and like she said, no one wants to work every weekend.

 

“Okay, great! Once you know for sure, we’ll tell Rae.”

 

At that moment, Lexa and Lincoln walk in from the study, grabbing their bags and coats to get ready to leave. Lincoln walks over to Octavia to give her what was probably meant to be a chaste goodbye kiss, but Octavia drags him down into a much longer, more passionate one.

 

“Ready to go Lex?” He asks once they part.

 

“Oh um yeah, I’m ready when you are.” Lexa says awkwardly, turning back around after shying away from the blatant affection. Lexa then focuses on Clarke, rocking back on her heel contemplating something. “See you tonight?” it’s asked hesitantly, as if she’d be rejected, as if they didn’t have another date planned for that night.

 

“Yep!” She reassures and for some reason Octavia looks between the two of them like they’ve grown two heads.

 

“You don’t have to be shy around us, you can kiss you know” Octavia eggs and flicks her hand between them. They both blush and Lexa looks at her awkwardly, shuffling her feet before walking over. Her heart rate picks up, surely Lexa isn’t actually going to kiss her. Not that she doesn’t want to kiss Lexa, but they haven’t and she doesn’t want their first one to have an audience. Lexa settles her worries, sort of, with a kiss on the cheek before hurry out the door. When she looks up she sees Octavia studying her with narrowed eyes.

 

“You haven’t kissed yet?!” She almost flinches at how loud Octavia asks, well more like shouts the question.

 

“That’s not really any of your business” She says, folding her arms over herself. She hasn’t talked about it with Lexa, she doesn’t really want to talk about it at all. But she knows she won’t get out of the conversation now.

 

“Um yeah it is. But pause we need food to have this discussion.”

 

So forty five minutes later and a pizza later, the interrogation continues.

 

“So. Why haven’t you kissed your girlfriend yet?”

 

“She’s not my girlfriend” She mumbles and shoves a piece of pizza into her mouth to prolong answering more questions. 

 

“Rocks move faster than you, you’ve gone on what five dates over the last three weeks?”

 

“Four” She says defiantly, like it makes that big of a difference.

 

“Okay, four, plus tonight’s so five. Plus you’ve lived together for like over six months and you’re telling me you haven’t kissed?” Octavia, genuinely looks shocked and a bit confused. She would laugh at her facial expression, if it weren’t made about her.

 

“I mean, I want to, and there are times where I think it’s going to happen but she pulls away last minute.” At the end of their last two dates, somehow she and Lexa would always end up standing closer than normal together. The first time she thought she was imagining Lexa leaning in, because it was over just as quick as it happened. The second time though she knows for sure it was about to happen and she was ready, she was going to lean in, but then Lexa pulled away again walked towards the car. She doesn’t really know what’s going through Lexa’s head though. She just figured out what was going through her own mind if she’s being honest.

 

Over the last few weeks her emotions seemed to balance out. Before she didn’t know what she felt, but as she continued going to Niylah and figuring out what was happening with Lexa, things seemed to clear up. She found her stomach swooping more and her thoughts drifting to the brunette more often than not. It was new and strange, but wonderful at the same time.

 

“Probably because she doesn’t want to push you or anything.”

 

“I don’t know why though. I mean I know she likes me. Trust me I have some how managed to accept that, but that doesn’t stop all of negative thoughts from happening. We said we would go at our pace, so does she not want to?” One of her biggest fears is Lexa changing her mind, especially as she lets her feelings grow.

 

“Trust me, it’s not that. She’s probably over thinking it just like you are and thinking how you’d react.”

 

“Then when would it ever happen if we both keep thinking the same thing?”

 

“Next time you see her, just grab her face and plant one on her.”

 

“Yeah, no. I’m not going to do that. It’s been so long, now I just want it to be special. I know it doesn’t  _ have  _ to be, I mean it’s just a kiss but. it’s a kiss with  _ Lexa _ . She’s done so much for me and I want to show her that I care. Because I do, so much. I really like her and I don’t know I just...want it to be special.” she doesn't just want to jump Lexa, although that would help with her nerves, it isn't what Lexa deserves. Or what they deserve. And speak of the devil, her phone buzzes with a test from Lexa.

 

**Lexa:** Is it alright if we don’t go out tonight? I’m sorry, I’m surrounded by jackwagons and nothing is really going in our favor right now

 

And while at first she’s a little disappointed in cancelling their date, she gets another idea that will hopefully cheer Lexa up and help her with the whole kissing thing. 

 

**Clarke:** It’s fine! We can always go out another day. Do we need to send Raven after anyone?

 

**Lexa:** I’ll make it up to you

And it hasn’t come to that point yet, but always good to have her on call ;) 

 

So after another two hour with Octavia- which thankfully wasn’t completely focused on her- she goes home to put everything together. She pulls the blankets of her bed and grabs her and Lexa’s pillows and throws it all in the living room. She does her best to set it up like she’s seen on tumblr and instagram, cocooning the TV inside and adding strings of lights and little battery candles. 

 

Soon enough she hears the tell tale sound of a key in the lock and hurries out to meet Lexa. The sullen look on the brunettes face disappears when green eyes meet blue and a sigh is let out of those plump lips she’s been thinking about all day no thanks to Octavia.

 

“Long day?” She asks, although she already knows the answer.

 

“Unbelievably. I don’t understand how people can say no to a good thing. It baffles me, it wouldn’t even cost them anymore money and they still said no.” Lexa says, dejectedly while kicking off her shoes and shrugging her coat off, leaving it in a crumpled ball on the floor.

 

“Maybe they just need time to think of how ridiculous they’re being and they’ll come around.”

 

“Yeah, maybe. Sorry I cancelled our date, I really wasn’t in the mood to go out.”

 

“I understand, I’m sorry it didn’t work out today. I know how much thought you’ve put into the program.”

 

“We’ll just have to wait until next month to bring it up again, gives us time to work out any remaining kinks and what not.”

 

“In the mean time, I have something I hope takes your mind off of today.”

 

“Oh really?” Lexa smirks and she can see more light enter her eyes.

 

“Really” She rolls her eyes “come on” She grabs Lexas hand and leads her to the makeshift fort in the other room. She tells Lexa to get in while she grabs the drinks from the fridge and dims the lights. When she crawls under the blankets, she watches Lexa’s gaze as it moves around the fort, taking everything in. The battery powered tea lights on top of their hand made candles- because she needed to have some light and Lexa’s love for candles had to be incorporated- but she wasn’t trying to start a fire by lighting them. The bowls of Lexa’s favorite snack foods off to the side, along with an assortment of games and movies so they didn’t have to leave except to go to the bathroom.

 

“Wow.” Lexa breaths out.

 

“I know you said you didn’t want to go out, so I figured I would throw something together here and maybe you’d be able to relax after your rough day.” She thinks it was a good idea, but at the same time Lexa might have just wanted a normal dinner before going to bed.

 

“This is amazing.” Lexa finally says, turning to face her. “Thank you, this is just what I need.” She thinks maybe this is the time, all she had to do was lift up from her knees and their lips would be connected. But she wants to give Lexa a little more time, so instead she settles back into the pillows and pats down next to her.

 

“So what will it be first?”

 

“Supergirl?”

 

-

 

Somewhere during the second episode Lexa started braiding her hair which then  ended up with her sitting with her back pressed to Lexa’s front with the other girls arms wrapped around her. When the episode finished she turned around so that she was facing Lexa.

 

“So, do you want to watch another episode or move on to something else?” She asks, trying to focus on the task instead of their proximity. Lexa simply shrugs.

 

“I’m good with whatever, we can watch what you want to watch.”

 

“This is about you though.”

 

“This was honestly perfect and I don’t need anything else. Really, thank you so much for doing this.” She sees the sincerity in Lexa’s eyes and keep herself from moving forward. She goes slowly enough so Lexa could back out if she wanted to. When she doesn’t see any hesitance, only eyelids fluttering shut, she closes the little remaining distance between them pressing her lips to Lexa’s. It’s soft and tentative and yet she feels a heat course through her stomach as it swoops. Hands tangle in hair and lips move against lips, but neither one pushes it further. That’s all they need right now and her heart sores at the feeling. She could get used to this feeling.

 

They both go to bed with smiles plastered on their faces.

 

\-----

 

She’s on cloud nine when she walks into work the next day. That morning before she left she wasn’t sure if she was allowed to kiss Lexa bye and sensing her struggle the brunette walked over and placed a gentle kiss on her lips before grinning like an idiot and walking back to the kitchen.

 

As she sets her stuff down behind the counter she’s surprised to see Monroe’s bag there since it’s usually just her and Luna working Monday mornings. She walks over to the other side of the shop where the girl in question is carrying boxes of books in from the back.

 

“Hey, did you need a shift change?” She asks in some sort of explanation for her appearance, making sure she didn’t miss a schedule switch.

 

“No, Luna called me this morning asking me to come in last minute. Maybe we got a big order or something.” Monroe answers with a shrug before going off to restock the shelves.

 

If there was a large order the place would be more hectic than it is at the moment. Monroe wouldn’t be stocking, the kitchen wouldn’t be quiet and she would have been pulled into it as soon as she got there. She heads back towards the small office and knocks on the entry way causing Luna, who was previously nose deep in paper work to look up.

 

“Oh, Clarke, you’re here.” Luna says in a more formal tone, one she’s only heard with customers and it increases her running thoughts.

 

“I’m always scheduled for mornings. Is there something going on? Why is Monroe here?”

 

“Well I was hoping you could tell me what was going on.” Luna says and gestures for her to sit.

 

“What do you mean?” She asks, furrowing her brow in confusion as she takes a seat in the vacant chair.

 

“I mean, when I looked at the monthly income it seemed lower than expected given the number of orders we had. I looked into the account records and compared them to the sales log and there were.... disparities.”

 

“Disparities as in..?”

 

“Someone has been siphoning out money from the shop.” Luna says bluntly, folding her arms on the desk between them.

 

“What?! Why would someone do that?” Obviously she knows why people do it in general, but she finds it hard to believe that someone would betray Luna like that.

 

“That’s what I asked myself, I pride myself in my ability to read people and hiring the best. Do you know anything about this?”

 

“What no- this was the first I’m hearing about it. Do you think it was Monroe? Is that why she’s here?” She didn’t peg her s one to steal money, but her track record at judging people has been off lately.

 

“No, I know she’s not involved. She’s here to cover for you.” Luna’s tone hasn’t changed, if not gotten colder and she starts to shift uncomfortably in her seat.

 

“Cover for me? Do you need my help with something? I-”

 

“No.” Luna sighs out. “I need you to not come to work for a bit.” And her bosses tone finally shifts to soft yet frustrated one.

 

“What? Why?” She’s standing and pacing now, because if she sat still she’d probably have a panic attack with the direction this conversation is going.

 

“When I tracked the money transfer down, it went to your account.”

 

“My- how is that even possible? That can’t be- Y-you think, you think I stole money? I wouldn’t, I would never do something like that. I-I love working here, it’s helped me so much. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that or your business.”

 

“I know that,” Luna breathes out “Or thought I did and I want to believe you but, until a full investigation is done I can’t. Right now everything points to you. So until I know for sure, you no longer work here.”

 

“You’re- you’re firing me?” It comes out as a whisper and she finally stops pacing.

 

“I’m sorry, my hands are tied. I will let you know the results of the investigation, but in the meantime you can’t be here. As an employee or a customer.”

 

“But-’

 

“Clarke please leave, I don’t want to have to make you” Luna basically pleads and she nods numbly.

  
With shaky limbs she somehow manages to stand and find her way out of the shop and to her car before her unshed tears fall and she breaks down on the steering wheel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so a lot of people weren't satisfied with how I left things with Finn, and to be honest I wasn't either- so I have something written that would still fit with the direction of the story, should I put it in (it would actually help the Clarke/Lexa relationship) or should I leave him out? If you pick having it in there will be quicker updates since I already have it done, if not I'm hoping to get back on the sunday update schedule.
> 
> If I don't die skydiving tomorrow I'll have another update for you sunday, especially since I'm not too content with this chapter but I really like some of the stuff I have upcoming xx


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all fabulous guessers, but the answers aren't in this chapter. We've got to ease into the drama. it'll come though, I just didn't want to dump it all in.
> 
> Emotions and Raven comes back in this one.
> 
> Thanks for reading xx

When she finally manages to regulate her breathing, she’s probably been sitting in her car for at least an hour. The one thing she can’t seem to get under control though is the shakiness of her hands. She still can’t believe this is real, wanting to pinch herself awake. Every time she feels like she’s doing well and actually happy, life opens up a new pit for her to fall in. Deciding she probably shouldn’t be driving, she pulls out her phone. Texting is her preferred method, but she doesn’t think auto-correct would even be able to decipher what ever she manages to type out at the moment and she doesn’t want to wait much longer for a response. Plus it’s probably not a conversation to be had over text. So, presses the only speed dial she has programmed and it isn’t long before her call is answered.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s questioning voice comes through her phone and it somehow manages to soothe her a little. She closes her eyes and let’s the one word and knowing that Lexa is on the other end of the call relax her. But, her composing moments take away her actual chance to respond and Lexa’s tone comes out more concerned when she speaks. “Clarke, are you there? Is everything okay?” And hearing that and then thinking back why she called in the first place, ended any calmness she may have been feeling. Her throat constricts with the onslaught of emotions and she takes a few more deep breathes through her nose to talk. 

“L-Lexa.” As much as she thought she pulled it together, her voice betrays her and comes out shaky and uneven. She couldn’t even manage a single word, how was she supposed to have a conversation?

“Clarke, what’s going on? What’s wrong? Where are you? Are you okay?” Lexa’s rapid firing questioning doesn’t give her anytime to respond. She takes a deep breath to steel herself to answer, which only allows her to choke back a stray sob. “Clarke?!”

“I-I’m, I can’t. Lexa, please.” She curses her inability to form sentences and now her breathing is back to being ragged. Her chest is tight and she can feel another onslaught of tears ready to burst. She know’s she’s not having a panic attack, she’s had plenty to know that, but man does it feel like one. Saying she’s upset is an understatement, but the lack of control she has of the situation and her body frustrate her. Add that into her swirling sea of emotions and she’s honestly surprised she’s still able to form any word at all. Maybe she should have just sent a message.

“I’m on my way Clarke, okay? Just, stay on the phone with me and I’ll be right there.”

Lexa continues to talk to her about random, non stressful thing. Taking her focus away from the situation seems to work and before she knows it the passenger door is swung open and Lexa slides into the seat. She looks over to worried green eyes and an outstretched hand. That’s enough for her to drops her phone and climb over the center console to straddle Lexa. It’s not a spacious car, but as she buries her head in the crook of the brunette’s neck and curls her body to make it as small as possible, it works.. 

After what was probably twenty minutes of her back being rubbed while she let out any lingering tears, Lexa finally broke the silence.

“What happened?”

“I- I finally had a purpose.” She just barely whispers. “I thought, I thought I was going to be happy. I don’t, I can’t-”

“Clarke” Lexa tries again, lifting her head from its hiding place. “What happened?”

“I was f- I was fired.”

“What? Why? That doesn’t make any sense. What did Luna say? You know what, I’ll go talk to, it must have been a misunderstanding. I’ll fix it.” Lexa’s demeanor changes immediately, her face becoming set and determined as she moves to exit the car.

“No, don’t.” She grabs the door as it’s opened and pulls it shut again. “It’s not a mistake.” Lexa gives her a quizzical look.

“What do you mean?”

“I saw the numbers. It was my account. But it wasn’t me, but it looks like it was. And the money’s there and Luna said- well there’s gonna be an investigation. But I don’t know how it happened, but it happened and I.” She tapers off, because really that was it. She doesn’t know what else there is to say, especially when she still has no idea how any of it happened.

“Okay...I’m not sure I followed that completely. Do you think you could start over, from the beginning?”

She takes another deep breath, focusing to not jumble her words. Okay, from the beginning. “When I went to see Luna this morning, she told me that someone had been stealing money.. I asked her if she knew who it was and if I could help, you know, because I thought that’s why she wanted to talk and I wanted to help but- but she told me she knew who it was and, and that it was me.”

“You?” She nods “But-”

“I don’t know how, but I saw the records. I saw my account information. But I swear it wasn’t me!”

“I believe you. And Luna has to know that-” she shakes her head, silently cutting Lexa off.

“She didn’t want to think it was true, but there isn’t another explanation.” She sighs and re-buries her face. They sit there in silence for a little while longer. Clarke just taking in the calming aura, while still processing everything and Lexa, trying to figure out an explanation and a solution for what she just heard. 

“Do you think, maybe, it could be your mom?” Lexa asks tentatively and shifts beneath her.

“What?” That hadn’t even crossed her mind. Logically thinking it should have been the first thing that came to her head, what else could it have been? But, well, who would think clearly in that situation?

“You did say she would try to get you back. This could be that, couldn’t it?” And it makes sense, but at the same time-

“But, how?” She wouldn’t put it past her mother to do something like this, but she doesn’t understand how it could be possible. That she knows of, her mother is still in California and even so, it’s not like she’d have access to her account. Or know where she works- worked?- for that matter,

“I don’t know.” Now it’s Lexa’s turn to sigh and the rubbing of her back stops for a second. “But we’ll figure this out.”

“What am I supposed to do until then? This job meant everything to me. It gave me a reason... and an outlet. And and I was good at it. I know I shouldn’t’ve relied on it like I did, but I needed it. I still do. I don’t just want to find something else. I don’t think it would be the same or help me like this did... It just happened and I already feel like I’m going to go back to how I was before and I don’t want to.”

“Hey.” Lexa draws her back with a hand on her cheek, wiping any remaining remnant of tears off. “Can you look at me?” She reluctantly lifts her head again and Lexa places both of her hands on Clarke’s face. “That isn’t going to happen. We are going to figure this out, alright? One step at a time. We’re going to go to the bank and see if they know how someone could have access to your account and then we’ll ask them to stop your credit card and freeze your account. That way we’ll know if any unauthorized transactions try to take place and hopefully track where the message came from. I’m sure I can find someone to dig into it, but until then we’re going to take a step back. We can go out of town for a little bit, clear your mind, get away from everything. Then when we come back, we’ll figure out the rest. Does that sound okay?”

“I don’t want to run away though, I just want this to stop happening. I need to know how it happened so I can fix it. I can’t, I need-”

“Control over the situation, which you don’t have and won’t have until we know what’s going on. Which is why we should leave. You wouldn’t be running away, we’re coming back. Right now, there is nothing to do here but wait and worry. Leaving isn’t an escape or a distraction, it’s something to occupy your time, as well as take you out of the equation. It can’t be placed on you if you haven’t touched your account.”

“Where would we go?” She’s already said yes in her mind, getting away from all of the drama that seems to find her sounds like a dream. Of course at the same time, she really just wants to figure this out and go back to the blissful mood she was in this morning. But Lexa’s right, she needs to not be associated with anything if she wants to clear her name.

“Anywhere, we can leave tomorrow if you want.”

“I have to pick Raven up on Thursday.” She sighs. Even though she could just ask Lincoln, she already told Raven she’d be there and honestly just wants to see her.

“Then we’ll go after. Help her settle in, you can talk with Niylah as well and then we can go for the weekend or longer if you’d like.”

“I think, I think that sounds like a good idea.” And it for sure isn't a fix. And she's definitely still upset about the whole ordeal, but it's a start, and she doesn't feel completely hopeless anymore.

\----

They go to the bank, which turns out to be no help whatsoever. They work with a distasteful teller named Emerson, who asked them if the man of the house knew they were there. 

Needless to say they weren't as willing to share information with him and he wasn't able to get off his high misogynistic horse enough to actually listen to the things they did tell him. 

Once Lexa managed to get the manager, things went a little smoother but they still didn't have a lot to go on. They canceled her card and withdrew enough cash for her to use in the meantime. When they explained the reasoning, with only pertinent need to know information, for freezing the account, everything was fine. When they then asked if they could pinpoint where the wire order came from the manager’s hands came up empty. They were told it was all internal, no outside request came, and there was no way to know who put it there. But being promised to be notified if any activity happened they left with slightly more than they came with.

\------

Tuesday was rough. 

It seemed as though she went through the stages of grief. Starting with denial. When she woke up, she started getting ready for work as if the previous day hadn’t happened. It was only when Lexa offered to stay home with her or for her to come to Grounders, that she finally remembered. Which confused her because surely this wasn’t actually real. She would be able to walk into work, log a few orders and learn a new baking technique.

She rejected Lexa’s offers, wanting to be by herself -isolation- and went back to her bedroom, curling herself up in the center of her bed.

Anger came easy to her. 

She was angry. No that doesn’t encompass all of the rage she feels, but that’s the only word she could think of at the time. Angry at herself. Angry at Luna for not believing her. Most of all though, she was angry with her mother. If it was her. It had to be though and that just enrages her. Why can’t her mother let her go? How was her mother even able to do this? She hates her. What does she have to do to make it end? She screams into her pillow until her throat is raw and the hot tears of anger stop streaming down her face. 

Her bargaining is more of a series of what ifs.

What if she hadn’t left? What if she explained her whole situation to Luna? What if she asked to work without pay? That would show some sort of innocence or something right? What if she had actually talked to her mother instead of Lexa doing it for her? Could she have tried harder at the bank? There were too many thoughts and scenarios going through her head for her to focus on anything else and it eventually exhausted her into a fitful, nap? Catatonic state? Did she sleep or pass out or did her body just shut down?

Which leads to her old friend, depression.

It never seems far away, always looming over her after finally coming out of it. Maybe it was never really gone though and only took on a new form. This one of nothingness. She just stares at the wall for hours. Her brain feels empty. The only thing she feels is tired and she can’t sleep. She just lays there. 

Lexa tries to get her to eat something, but she’s not hungry and she doesn’t want to leave her room. 

This stage seems to last the longest. She’s kind of afraid it won’t end.

But it does. Not completely,because really that’s not how it works, but it’s not so debilitating when she wakes up the next day. So, Wednesday is better.

She sleeps in and Lexa is already gone when she emerges from her bedroom, still tired, but not wanting to let this take her over. She knows from experience it’s not easy. But she told herself it wouldn’t be like one of those time she locked herself in her room for days on end. 

Trying to be proactive she decides to go for a run. Who was she kidding? She can’t run on a good day, and well, it’s far from a good day. She barely makes it a block before she’s doubled over panting, having that awful metallic taste already creeping up her throat and her lungs feel like they might burst.

She walks back, slowly.

The next distraction she tries is painting, having found it her escape before. Only when she tries to put something, anything, to the canvas, nothing comes. It mocks her and she grows frustrated, ripping through the blank canvas with her brush. So maybe she still has some anger.

Her only other outlet, her newly discovered one, is baking. She would have thought that it would do the exact opposite of help her, but it doesn’t. She has to focus to make sure she doesn’t miss something. To make sure adds the right amounts. To make sure she doesn’t swap sugar for salt. So it requires all of her attention and she can’t think of anything else. It also helps that she can get some of her residual anger out by beating the eggs or kneading the pastry. 

She loses herself and any concept of time she had in the process. Making recipe after recipe. It soothes her and brings her a little closer to acceptance. Soon all of the meticulous frosting is almost done and she wipes her brow, smearing some buttercream on her forehead. 

That is the scene Lexa comes home to.

Turning to the fridge to check for more cream, she jumps slightly when she sees Lexa standing in the doorway.

“Oh hi, you’re home early.” She says and moves her hands behind her back as if that would hide what she’s been doing.

“Um, actually I’m late, I texted you... you didn’t answer.” Lexa says with a raised eyebrow while glancing around.

“Oh, well my phone must have died. Plus I don’t actually know where it is at the moment. Here have a cupcake.” She says, shoving it into Lexa’s mouth without anymore warning.

“Clarph.” Lexa tries, before chewing and taking a sip of water. “mm so this is what you’ve been doing all day?” Lexa glances around again to the disarray kitchen- the island covered in powder, batter splattered on the cupboards, the sink overflowing with dishes, and the counter and table piled high with baked goods, mostly cupcakes with the assorted pastry here and there.

“Mhmm, I think I finally got the right combination of sweet. What do you think?”

“It's good, really good. What’s in it?” That question made her think. It should have been a simple answer, but spending a day mixing random things together, it all blurs together.

“Um, I'm actually not sure. I don't know what batch that came from, what does it taste like?”

“Hmm, chocolate, raspberry, coffee? And..is that bourbon?” Lexa guesses and then spots the empty bottle on the floor. 

“I didn’t drink it” She rushes out to assure Lexa that she hasn’t spiraled. “It's only in the cupcakes, well not all of them, but I wanted to test out some recipes with it in it since I found it in the cupboard.”

“Wasn’t it a full bottle?”

“Trial and error with reductions and amounts, I’d steer clear of the ones on the chairs.”

“Well you’ve certainly been busy then, I guess a trip to the store is in order? And maybe a shower?” Lexa says with amusement.

It’s only then does she fully take in the shape of the kitchen. She freezes at the sight of the mess she made and all of the food she used. She looks down at herself, noting the majority of her clothes and exposed skin is covered with some sort of substance. She panics. She knows she doesn’t have to be afraid of punishment, Lexa’s not going to hit her for making a mess, but that only means her embarrassment of, well she doesn’t exactly know what, can shine through full force. She wrings her hands together before wiping them off on her pants.

“I’ll clean this all up don’t worry.” She says, not making eye contact with Lexa. 

“I’m not worried about it, why don’t we start with making a list.” Lexa says while pulling out a note pad and pencil. “What have you used up or are we almost out of?” Okay that’s something she can do. She has to think of everything, because even though Lexa isn’t upset now, if she forgets about something and then Lexa goes to use it and it’s not there...well they haven’t had that problem yet and she’s not going to start now. She doesn’t think it would be too bad, but it’s all she knows and some things are hard to let go of. Plus she can’t mess things up with Lexa, so she just needs to remember everything.

“Okay, well, we’re out of flour and sugar, and milk and eggs, I think I used up all of the vanilla but we don’t use that in other things so it’s not that important. I may have used up the raspberries making coulis but I haven't checked for sure if there were any in the drawer. Oh and your lemons are in a bag now since I used them for zest but no worries they still have all of the juice in then for your tea. And speaking of your tea, I used the last of the honey, so that needs to go on the list. Ah honey, goes to honey butter, which is like cocoa butter, and I think we need more cocoa. Oh and butter! How could I forget that? I used all the butter up and now I can't frost the last batch, which reminds me that we’re out of confectioners sugar as well, but I think that was everything unless-.” She rambles out it one breath and her turning wheels are halted when Lexa grabs her shoulders.

“Woah woah, slow down for a second yeah?” Lexa asks. When she nods, the brunette goes back to quickly writing things done and then spares another glance around the haphazard kitchen. “Have you eaten anything today?” she goes to respond before Lexa stops her. “besides pastries.”

“I had yogurt and an apple. Oh! We’re out of those too, there's apple crisps over there somewhere.” She goes to try to uncover them when she’s stopped again.

“That’s great, I'll find them later, when did you eat that?”

“Um for breakfast” She responds, to which Lexa sighs and goes over to the fridge.

“Alright eat this.” Lexa says shoving a container of pasta into her hands. “And then I'll help you clean up”. She nods and takes a bite while Lexa does a quick inventory of the fridge and their limited food supply, jotting everything missing onto a list. “Did you use up all of the bananas as well?” 

Her expression turns sheepish as she nods “Um, there's banana bread?”

\------

Finally it’s Thursday and she’s standing in the arrival lobby of the airport waiting for Raven. 

“Griffin!” She turns, when she hears Raven shout her name, before she’s practically trampled over by her hug.

“I’m so glad you’re here” She says sincerely while hugging back maybe a little less enthusiastically than Raven, but still heartfelt.

“Finally back together, living in the same city, sharing the same toothbrush.” Raven dreamily states, swinging an arm around her as they walk.

She cringes, “That was once in middle school, we boiled it first, and it’s not happening again.”

“I thought you loved me.” Raven gasps in mock offense. “Fine I’ll buy a new one on the way to my new home. Thanks for taking off work to pick me up. Now we get some bestie bonding time”

“I’d always pick you first.” She says, which is true, she would. However, there wasn’t exactly a choice to choose between this time. But now is not the time to be thinking of that. She’s waited to tell her friends because it still doesn’t feel real and she also wanted to see if she could figure it out on her own. She knows that they would do anything for her, but she doesn’t want to drag them into her mess any further if it really is her mother. She also wants Raven to be happy and in the spotlight since this is a big opportunity and change for her.

“Mm don’t let Lexie hear you say that.”

“Right. So how was the flight?” She asks to revert the conversation back.

“Ugh, so boring. Oh that reminds me, I’ve got a question for you!”

“Um okay” Knowing Raven it could literally be about anything.

“Why is brown hair gendered?” Well, that is something she was not prepared for.

“Uh, what?”

“They didn’t let me have my computer on the plane and I had to find other ways to entertain myself and well my usual way of doing that is probably frowned upon on airplanes”

“You mean illegal.”

“Pfft semantics. Anyways, I start talking to this guy next to me- brown hair, hazel eyes, good jaw line- only to find out he’s a total bore of a conversationalist. Like great, you like numbers, I’ll call you when I need my taxes done.”

She tilts her head trying to decipher a hidden meaning. “I’m missing how him being a supposed accountant has to do with hair.”

“I’m not done yet, it’s called build up.”

“Of course, I’m very sorry, do continue.”

“I will thank you very much and I don’t appreciate sarcasm. Okay, like I was saying, snoozeville, so I pretend like I have to pee and get up to go to the bathroom, something you know I would never do.” Raven points out.

“I know, you held it in all the way to Miami and that was like a seven hour flight and you drank like a gallon of coke.”

“Exactly. And on my way, I run into the flight attendant who’s got this long curly brunette hair kind of like Lexa’s and then the thought hit me like ‘bam!’” Raven practically shouts and stops them abruptly, causing more than a few strange looks and disgruntled travelers from their pathway being interrupted. She quickly grabs her oblivious friends arm and pulls her off to the side “Honestly Clarke it was a revelation. They both had the same hair color and I labeled it differently. I don’t get it. Like black is black, blonde is blonde and red is red. Sure you have descriptors and stuff like raven or sandy or or those food ones like chocolate, chestnut, strawberry and ginger, ugh but don't get me started on that! I mean really strawberries are red and gingers are, well they're not, they're more blonde. Have you ever seen a red ginger?-”

“Well actually ye-”

“-No, no you haven’t. But regardless, it doesn’t matter whose hair it is you know? They’re used for every body. But do you hear people calling guys brunettes? Do you? Hmm? ‘Cause I don’t. Maybe a rare occasion, but no, guys have brown hair and girls are brunettes. Although you can use brown to describe girls hair but not the other way around. Why is that Clarke? Why? Tell me.”

“Um...” If it were anyone else she’d ask if they had been drinking, but she knows this is just Raven having too much time to herself and over analysing nothing. She really has missed Raven’s random ranting. “I don’t think th-”

“I’m already over it.” Raven let’s out with a dismissive wave, before rubbing both hands together in front of her in excitement. “Now show me casa Reyes!”

“We still have to go get your bags.” She points out and earns a pout.

“Don’t ruin my moment, Clarke.” Raven practically whines out.

“Of course. This way my Liege.” She drawls out, bowing with one arm extended towards baggage claim.

“Better.”

\-----

They stop at a gas station to fill up.

“Here, why don’t you go buy yourself a toothbrush and give this to the guy for gas.” She says as she hands Raven a twenty and some odd dollars.

“Sure, but why not use your card to get a full tank? You won’t get that with this. Plus this is probably the cheapest place to get it and it’s an hour away.”

“It’ll be enough.”

“Well, yeah, but it would make more sense to-”

“Can you just please go give him the money so I can start the pump?”

“You could start it right now if you used your card.” Raven points out.

“Fine.” She says taking it back. “I’ll do it.” She shoves the money into her wallet but not before Raven sees her wad of cash. She hurriedly makes her way to the store to avoid that conversation.

“Hey, what’s the big deal? I’m just trying to save you money!” Raven calls after her.

She can feel Raven’s eyes on her while she pays and on the way back to the car. Once she has the nozzle in, there’s nothing else to occupy her.

“Wanna tell me why you got so defensive over how you paid for gas? Or how about why you have all that cash on you. Are you leaving again?”

“No” She quickly quells that thought. “I’m not and I didn’t get defensive.” She says while crossing her arms...defensively. She honestly just forgot it was all still in there since she hadn’t been out, not the smartest but she’ll take care of it later. She has other worries now, namely the one sitting in the car next to her. And one look from Raven, she knows she won’t get away with lying. “I’m just, not using my card right now.”

“Why?”

“Well I- I like knowing how much I have to spend and stuff.”

“There are apps for that.” Raven points out, still not looking anywhere near convinced.

“I’m old fashioned?” 

“Try again, but with the truth.” And Raven gives the no bullshit look that she knows she won’t be able to avoid talking about anymore.

“Fine, I just didn’t want to talk about it since I’m still not one hundred percent sure what’s going on and I didn’t want to take away from your day.” She starts and then proceeds to fill her in about the new drama that she just can’t seem to get away from. “And I don’t know for sure if it’s my mother, but if it’s not her then I have no clue what the heck is happening.” She finishes and let’s out a breath. Looking up at Raven who has a dumbfounded expression.

“Are you serious?”

“I mean, I don’t know why I’d make something like that up.” She just shrugs off because she knows it was rhetorical but she’s still disbelieving of it herself.

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

A second later she’s being slapped on the shoulder and she jumps in surprise. “Oh my god! I can’t believe you let me go on and on about hair when all this is going on!”

She just laughs, “It seemed like you really needed to get that off your chest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? What'd you think? What's going to happen next? I love reading all of your comments, it makes my day and motivates me more to actually write. I have a few future things already written, now I just need to fill in the gaps. I'd gladly try to fit in anything you want to see- just let me know xx


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy look who's back- it's me...I've been fried like rice lately so I'm sorry for not updating. BUT guess what? I had surgery this morning and therefore cant do anything...except write woo. That means updates and since I want to make it up to you, there will be a lot of them in the coming weekend/week, for those still reading that is! this is a really random chapter and not really clexa or drama (its coming...as in starting next chapter...the drama that is...well and clexa but) okay i rambled enough I'm going to go pass out now bye! oh but sorry for anything, pain meds are amaazing and i already dont edit. sorry if nothing makes sense. xx

“Did you bring all of Texas with you? Seriously, my arms are going to fall off.” Octavia huffs as she drops, yet another box, onto the ever growing mountain of stuff in Raven’s new living room.

 

“Not  _ all  _ of it, just the important stuff. Like all of my gadgets. Besides, you’re supposed to be the strong one out of the three of us, I don’t hear Clarke complaining, do you? Hmm?” Raven asks from her position on the floor, where she’s going through her things instead of helping them unload the pod because- even though it’s not hurting now, you never know when her leg will spasm. This lead to Clarke and Octavia spending the better part of the day unpacking boxes and the new furniture Raven ordered, leaving them thoroughly exhausted.

 

“I’m not complaining because I’ve passed off all of the heavy stuff to O.” She says as she walks in. And it was true, she opted to carry the bedding set, some clothing containers and boxes that didn’t cause her to groan while trying to lift them. Octavia had handled all of the smaller furniture, and boxes of ‘ _ books’, ‘metals’,  _ and ‘ _ kitchen shit’.  _

 

“You said they weighed the same!’

 

“And you believed me!.” She laughs at Octavias disgruntled face as she moves to the next box.

 

“This is so not fair, my arms are seriously jello now.” Octavia whines as she collapses onto the pile of pillows Clarke unloaded.

 

“Are you sure they’re not noodles?” Raven asks with a snicker.

 

“You’re only making fun of yourself with that one Rae.” Octavia points out and upon seeing her quizzical look between her two friends, elaborates. She learns that before Raven’s surgery the doctor warned her of the possible side effects, as well as told her that her nerve and tendons wouldn’t fully recover for a couple months. When Octavia picked her up after she was released, Raven was still on potent painkillers. As she was being wheeled to the car she stopped everyone they passed to say she had “noodle leg”. She even shouted it out the car on the way home until Octavia locked the windows. While Clarke can see that happening, it seems like a had to be there moment and even though she laughs at Octavia’s dramatic retelling, she feels a pang of guilt for not being there.

 

Crossing the room to take a second she crosses a box that caught her attention earlier. “While we’re on weird Raven stories, I feel like there is one about this. I’m curious, if not disturbed, by the size and apparent contents of this box” She says while setting the rather large package down in front of Raven. “Is this really full of dildos? Or is your label supposed to be some type of deterrent?”

 

Before Raven even has the chance to answer, Octavia is scrambling over and opening the cardboard container to find out and sure enough, it’s filled to the brim of all different colors, styles, and sizes of phallics. The two of them cast wide, questioning eyes to Raven, whose expression doesn’t give anything away.

 

“Listen, it actually  _ is  _ a funny story. Okay, not funny really but so me when you think about it.”

 

“We’re listening”

 

“Well, I was looking for a part for a new carbon electrolysis system I was working on, but it’s not individually sold. So I try to find out what contains said part so I can just buy that and take it apart and my coworker told me that dicks sporting goods carries tons of equipment that have what I need. Then me being me, I just typed in dicks dot com into my search bar and guess what?! That’s not the stores website! And at first I was a little put off, but then I started scrolling and spent a good hour on the site and, well I was intrigued.”

 

“So..you bought like twenty?” Octavia asks in disbelief.

 

“Twenty-two.” Raven beams, looking proudly at her collection.

 

“Why did you keep them all? Why not return them or sell them or something? I mean, you can’t have used them all right? Wait no, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.” She immediately back tracks and Raven just chuckles.

 

“I thought about it, but I grew attached to them. Just look how cool they are!” Raven exclaims, grabbing the top package and flailing it in front of them. “And no, I didn’t use them all” she says with an eyeroll. “I tried like seven, but those are in a separate box, don’t worry. And I just couldn’t part with the rest, but if you see something you like.” Raven says with a waggled brow for emphasis. 

 

Octavia doesn’t hesitate to sort through and grab a couple, before looking up to their amused faces. “What? Lincoln’s great and all, but sometimes you need a little- or a lot more” She says holding up one of the more- heftier- toys, with a laugh.

 

“Clarke?”

 

“I’m good.” She quickly says and moves away from the intimidating box.

 

“Oo is Lexa taking good care of you? You never share and sharing is caring.” Raven pouts rolling onto her stomach to give her full attention.  

 

“There’s nothing to share.” She shrugs off, hoping to end the conversation there, but she should really know better.

 

“Oh come oon” Raven whines out. “you have to give me something! I need to live vicariously through you, since O’s is all old news and hetero is boring.”

 

“Hey! Lincoln and I have a very spicy sex life, thank you very much. There is nothing boring about it.” Octavia defends with a huff.

 

“Yeah, well I’ve heard all about it, so it’s mild sauce and I need me some habanero. So Clarkey, give me something good.”

 

“There’s nothing to give!” she says exasperatedly. 

 

“Seriously? You don’t have to be shy. It’s nothing new” 

 

“I’m not. I just don’t have anything to tell you.”

 

“Huh” Raven, ponders her for a moment, eyeing her up and down before digging through the box. “I think you need this.” She says, handing over an average looking dildo.

 

She shakes her head, vehemently rejecting the offered object. “I don’t want it.”

 

“If Lexa’s not helping you out, which I think you should change by the way, you should at least take this. You’re going to get arthritis if you don’t switch it up a bit.”

 

“Really, Raven, I don’t need it.” She says turning away to cover her reddening cheeks. This is not a conversation she wants to be having now or ever if she’s being honest.

 

“Come on it’s a gift.” Raven badgers, poking her in the back with it causing her to jump away. “Everyone could use one.”

 

“Well not me”

 

“Don’t you get bored?”

 

“Um…no” It’s the truth, really it is. She doesn’t get bored because, well, how do you get bored of something you don’t do?

 

Raven eyes her skeptically. “Really? ‘Cause, Lexa’s pretty hot so it’s understandable that you’d be needing a little attention if you’re not getting any, which why aren’t you?”

 

“We’re not there yet. I mean she might be, but she hasn’t said anything. I don’t even- It’s just, there’s a lot going on and well, we just started kissing and we’re not even anything and -god this is so embarrassing why are we talking about this?” She groans while burying her heated face in her hands.

 

“Do you think about it?” Octavia asks.

 

“I- well, sort of.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“It means” She sighs, trying to gather her thoughts and put them into logical sentences. “It means that everything is still a little, I don’t know, messed up? I mean, I didn’t even recognize my feelings for awhile and everything is still out of balance. I’ve thought about it, but more as a practicality than in a...well desirable way?”

 

“So do you not want to or something?” Raven asks with a confused lilt to her voice.

 

“That’s a very general way of putting it.” At the questioning looks she receives, she tries to put the feeling into words. “When I was with Finn, sex wasn’t...sex. That’s the best way I can think to put it. I mean at the beginning it was, but then, it was just him, well using me? I, I haven’t- ugh- I haven’t, this is probably the worst word for it, but  _ enjoyed  _ it in, um well, over a year I guess. And honestly I haven’t thought about it because I didn’t have any interest in it. I don’t or well, haven’t felt anything for awhile. And I talked about it with Niylah and she said that it was normal to be desensitized or something, especially with the way my hormones and emotions were affected. So...I’m going to pass on that.” She finishes off awkwardly   

 

“Oh” It’s the first time she’s seen Raven at a loss for words and she hates that she brought it up, even though it was bound to come up eventually with her friends being who they are. There’s an awkward silence before Raven has her footing again. “Well, as long as you’re comfortable now, that’s all that matters. And if Lexa does anything you don’t like, I’ll send Octavia after her. Speaking of her though, give us the dirt. It’s not like she’s a private person, but she doesn’t give much away about herself.”

 

“I don’t really know what to say. She’s just kind of amazing and I don’t just mean with how she is with all of this but just in general. It’s kind of funny, she could literally be anywhere or do anything and she lives this like simple life and does more for other people than herself. Well except for her haskap jam that she specially ships from Alaska because  _ ‘it’s not the same anywhere else Clarke’  _ or her candles, they’re seriously everywhere now that she knows I know. But anyway I really feel like she’s also opening up more too and I didn’t really think that was possible. Like the other day I found her dancing in the kitchen with a can of pringles singing ‘all the pringle ladies’ and then that night-”

 

“Wait hold up, she was singing what?”

 

“All the pringle ladies?”

 

“And how does that song go exactly?”

 

“Um,  _ all my pringle ladies, all my pringle ladies, all my pringle ladies, now get your hand stuck,  _ and her hips were swaying and my god it was adorable.”

 

“Oh. My. God! This is incredible! Please tell me you got it on film?

 

“Um no, I didn’t even think about it.”

 

“You’ve failed me.”

 

\-------

 

It wasn’t until the majority of the boxes were emptied and they were waiting for their dinner to arrive, that the topic of her current drama was brought up.

 

“So why haven’t you gone the police?” Octavia asks from her place, sprawled out on Raven’s new sofa.

 

“With what? There’s no evidence what so ever.” She says dejectedly, because she’s thought about it, but with the bank being a dead end, she has no proof of anything.  

 

“They could look into Abby, she had to have left some trace of her involvement.” Raven suggests while fiddling with some sort of wire contraption.

 

“And how would I get them to do that? Tell them I think it’s her and when they ask why, have to explain everything to them when, again I have no proof, and she’s on the other side of the country.” She practically shouts, failing at not getting worked up over it. 

 

“Hey, we’re on your side here, Clarke. We’re just trying to help”

 

“I know. I know, I’m sorry. I’m just so tired of all of this. Thank you for believing me.” she says rubbing her hands over her face 

 

“Of course we believe you and we’re here for you. Don’t push us away.”

 

“I won’t. Trust me, I know messed up before and I’m still amazed you guys forgave me, but never again.”

 

“Good, now let’s figure out how to stop Abby.” Raven say determinedly.

 

\-------

 

After leaving Raven’s with a slightly better outlook on things, even if they hadn’t really figured anything out, she walks through her door and immediately into Lexa’s open arms. They stand there for a few minutes simply enjoying each others comfort, before Lexa moves them to the couch. 

 

“How was work?” She asks as she settles her head into her spot- the crook of Lexa’s neck.

 

“Mm nothing spectacular happened, but I did told them I wouldn’t be in Monday or Tuesday so we’ll be able to get out of town like we planned. How was the airport and moving Raven in?”

 

“Ugh you should have been there, she had so much crap and most of it was heavy.”

 

“Oh I see how it is, you just want me for my muscle.” Lexa mocks offense.

 

“Uh yeah, didn’t you know?” She teases back. “It would have gone so much faster. I ended up dumping most of it on O.”

 

“I’m sure she appreciated that.”

 

“She was too tired to do anything about it so.”

 

“How does it feel to have them both in the same state as you again?”   
  


“Hasn’t fully sunk in yet, but amazing. I’m really excited to be able to see them whenever again, I missed that.” She sighs out before readjusting to look at Lexa. And just because she could do it now, she places her hand on the back of the brunettes neck and brings their lips together. Savoring the feeling kissing Lexa brings her before pulling back. “I missed you today, as sappy as that sounds, I think it’s the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other.”

 

“I may be sappy, but it’s true and I missed you too.” Lexa says grinning. “Oh and before I forget you got something in the mail today that looks important.”

 

Her curiosity gets the best of her and she’s off the couch with one last peck to Lexa’s lips. 

 

“Oh and I may have told them about pringle ladies, fair warning in case Raven brings it up.” She says over her shoulder as she walks into the kitchen, hearing Lexa yell “traitor” in response. When she sees the stack of envelopes she sorts through until she finds a rather official looking one addressed to her. Without even looking at the return address she tears it open. 

‘ _ Clarke Griffin _

_ You are hereby summoned to appear in the Twenty-Second Judicial District Court, to testify the truth according to your knowledge on the part of a Mr. Finnagen Collins, defendant, in a matter pending between Mr. Collins and a Ms. Ella Fisher. And therefore you are not to fail to appear, under penalty of law. _

 

_ Upon Receipt of this Notice Please _

_ Contact ADA MacKenzie or Investigator Fitzgerald’ _

 

“What the hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next couple of chapter i wrote before this :D Oh but tell me what you think! please! You don't have to but I love reading them! xxx bye


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here's a bit of drama for you...  
> Thank you for reading xx

“What is it?” Lexa asks, walking into the kitchen after hearing her exclamation.

 

“I’ve been subpoenaed.” She says in disbelief, handing the paper to Lexa as she starts to pace. She’ll never be able to catch a break, will she? And every time one thing happens, the fates decide that isn’t enough and throw something else at her. She’s supposed to be done with Finn. Although, somewhere in the back of her mind she knew it had been too easy, but if anything she thought it would just be him pushing himself back in, not the legal system. And who the hell is Ella?

 

“You what? How is that even possible, you have a protection order against him.” Lexa says with a furrowed brow, scanning over the document.

 

“I don’t know, maybe that doesn’t matter? This is all some sort of sick joke, shouldn’t they have called me or said something, aren’t these like when people refuse or is that just on TV? Why is it even happening? How did they even get my name?”

 

“Um, since both of us know next to nothing about this kind of stuff, is it okay if I call Anya?”

 

Still processing, she nods and watches Lexa set her phone down on the table and hears it start to ring. She mentally thanks Lexa for putting the speaker on, because she doesn’t want to talk but she wants to hear what they say.

 

“ _ It’s almost midnight Woods.”  _ A groggy sounding Anya picks up after the fourth ring.

 

“I know, I’m sorry but this is important” Lexa starts and she hears a sigh come through the phone.

 

“ _ What is it?” _

 

“Well, Clarke got something in the mail today and she didn’t open it until now because she wasn’t home all day and that’s why we’re calling so late and-”

 

“ _ Get to the point in the next thirty seconds or I’m hanging up.” _

 

“Okay, okay! She got subpoenaed and it has to do with Finn, you remember Finn, and we don’t know what it means. Well we know what it means, but we don’t know  _ what  _ it means and well, we were hoping you could, I don’t know, like explain it or get more information or... something.” Lexa trails off with a wince, probably at how jumbled her thoughts were, but Clarke doesn’t think she would’ve done any better. The line is silent and she worries that Anya hung up, but the call is still connected.

 

“ _ Clarke, come by my office tomorrow morning and we’ll talk. I’ll look into the case before then.”  _ They don’t have time to say anything else before the line disconnects.

 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Lexa asks genuinely and she can see the concern etched into the brunettes face.

 

“No. I don’t want you to miss anymore work and this is something I should be able to do by myself. Besides it’s just Anya right?” She tries to laugh but it just sounds forced. Even though she’s seen Anya since the day she had a panic attack in front of her, she still feels embarrassed and like they’ve never really broken the friend barrier.

 

“You know I’m the boss right?” Lexa jokes and she rolls her eyes “I can take the day off or just the morning to go.”

 

“It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. You go to work, I’ll go see Anya, and then I’ll come home and pack for- you still haven’t told me where we’re going.” She says raising an eyebrow in question.

 

“Well yeah, it’s a surprise.” Lexa says as she wraps her arms around Clarke.

 

“How am I supposed to know if I packed the right things then? Wait, is this going to mess up our plans? It didn’t say when anything takes place or if I’m even allowed to leave the state, are we leaving the state? I don’t think-”

 

“Woah, slow down.” Lexa cuts off her brewing panic and turns her around so that they’re facing each other. “I’m pretty sure that doesn’t apply to you, but you can ask Anya just in case. But to ease your worries, no we are not leaving the state and if we have to change when we go, we can and we will.” Lexa says assuredly and rubs her arms. “Oh and just pack everyday things and a few things that can get dirty.” 

 

“Okay, I’m just over thinking everything I guess.”

 

They don’t stay up much longer, only long enough to sort of relax again and get ready for bed. Well Lexa goes to bed. Sleep doesn’t come easy for her, too many questions she needs answered. That and she really doesn’t want to have to see Finn again. Having Octavia and Raven with her the last time gave her a lot more courage than she thought she had, but she doesn’t think she can muster it again.

 

The sun shining through her blinds tells her that it’s morning and she’s pretty sure she never actually fell asleep. She’s tired, in more ways than one, but the cold hardwood under her feet wakes her up enough to shuffle into the kitchen where the coffee will revive her completely. 

 

Anya hadn’t given her a time, so she waits an hour after eating breakfast before leaving. She’s never been to her office before and wasn’t prepared for the looming forty story building in front of her. The receptionist was nice, well as nice as one can be without looking up from the computer, but still had on a smile while she told her what floor Anya’s office was on.

 

The elevator ride to the thirty-fourth floor was long, she doesn’t have a lot of experience with them, but she’s had enough to know that this one is unusually slow. It gives her time to think though and plan what she’ll do if she  _ does _ have to see him again.

 

When she made it to Anya’s office, the lawyer was on the phone, but motioned for her to come in anyways.

 

“-And I don’t think you realise how much hot water you could be in from not sourcing your testimonies.- No, you listen to me  _ Dale,  _ my client has never been approached by anyone regarding these matters and you subpoena her out of the blue and are lucky she doesn’t come after you for emotional distress- who wrote your doc, an intern? It wasn’t even clear who she would be testifying for based on your phrasing.-Not everyone knows about ADA’s. - No, you know what.” And with that the phone is set, rather harshly, back on the receiver. Anya shakes her head, “We’ll let him fester a bit before we talk rationally.”

 

“Um, okay. Are they really in trouble? Because I don’t want anyone getting in trouble because of this, I just want to know what’s happening.” She says hesitantly, still standing in the doorway. Anya just waves it off and gestures towards one of the empty chairs.

 

“No, he may have skipped a few steps and not looked into your file, but that’s nothing worse than a reprimand. ”

 

“Ah, so um, did you say I had to testify for Finn. Is that even legal?” She nervously asks, gripping the arms of the chair.

 

“What? Oh, no, that was simply towards his farce of a legal document. Honestly, if he were to be chastised over anything, it would be foregoing templates. That is not legitimately heard of.” Anya ponders aloud and she waits patiently, albeit slightly agitated, for her mind to come back. “Regardless, you would be on the prosecution's list.”

 

“So, I do have to go to court?” It’s the last thing she wants, that’s why she said no all those months ago, but maybe it was for the best. “I still don’t know why they ‘summoned’ me.”

 

“That is still unclear, although it seems as though Finn may have talked about you with Miss Fisher and that is how she knew of you to bring up your name.” Anya deduced, which would make sense, but there was still one, okay two, rather large questions that she wanted answers to.

 

“Who  _ is _ Ella? And what is the trial even about?”

 

“All I’ve gathered this morning is that, Finn and Miss Fisher were, at the least, acquaintances, until a month ago when- and this is where the hearsay blurs everything- a sexual encounter took place that was unwanted on Miss Fisher’s part and perhaps driven by alcohol on Finn’s.” She swallows hard at the information, closing her eyes and taking a deep inhale through her nose to collect herself.

 

“As awful as that is, why do I have to be a part of it? I don’t know her and I haven’t had any contact with Finn in months.”

 

“Be that as it may, you have a,” Anya pauses, searching for the right word. “similar, and prolonged history with Finn and your testimony can be used in favor of Miss Fisher’s allegations. I am aware of your feelings towards taking the stand and while I cannot get you out of it, I can try to have your statement either be turned in as a written or video testimony.” Anya complies. It isn’t much, seeing as she would still have to make the statement, but if she has to do it, it’s a lot better than the alternative. “I can’t promise to make that happen but I will do my best.”

 

She sighs. “I appreciate that. When is the trial?”

 

“It’s set for the Tuesday after next.” Just over a week, plenty of time to prepare. “But if my request goes through, you could give your testimony whenever a judge is available.”

 

They spend twenty more minutes going over logistics before she feels comfortable enough to leave with the promise of staying close to her phone for updates. She steps into the empty elevator and pulls out her phone to text Lexa, knowing the brunette would want to know how it went, only there was no service so she has to wait. The elevator stops at the very next floor down, so she keeps her phone out to avoid awkward small talk.

 

“Well look who got a new phone.” Every hair on her body stands on end at the person’s voice, the person who, indirectly, just took up the last hour of her time. She would have sworn she stopped breathing, had she not been able to see the rise and fall -albeit a little more rapid than before- of her chest. What were the odds- actually, give everything, she should have seen this coming “Heya Princess.”

 

She finally steals herself to look up and sees that stupid smirk plastered on his face. “Finn.” She nods with her lips pressed together. She doesn’t have to engage and maybe the fact that they’re in an elevator- that’s seems like it’s moving even slower and he’s blocking the door- it’s in a legal building, full of legal people, and most definitely has to have cameras. But she would still give anything for it to move faster.

 

“Oh come on princess, don’t be like that.” He goads with what was once a charming smile, but now she just finds it creepy. “I was hoping we would run into each other again, I wanted to talk to you.” He steps closer, forcing her to step back, but there isn’t really anywhere to go.

 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She says, crossing her arms in both defiance and to preemptively stop any shaking.

 

“It’s okay really, you don’t have to pretend. I’ve decided to take you back.”

 

“Take me- are you delusional?”  

 

“No, we both know I let you be the good guy in front of your friends, I didn't want you to be embarrassed. But I’ve forgiven you for leaving and making me look like a fool.” He says, still calm, but that alarms her more than anything.

 

This elevator needs to go faster. 

 

“I have nothing to be embarrassed or sorry about and I sure as hell am not ‘going back to you’” She tries to say strongly, but that’s hard to do backed into a literal corner.       

 

“Yes you do and once you’re home I’ll help you realise that.” The underlying threat of another one of his lessons made perfectly clear. “You know we belong together.”

 

“No we don’t, I never belonged to you and for over six months and even before that, we weren’t together.”

 

Maybe she should have taken the stairs. 

 

“Why do you keep lying to yourself? You know I love you and know what's best for you. It’s time to stop this game.” He says with more authority in his tone and she can tell he’s close to breaking.

 

How has no one else needed the elevator? 

 

“You can't make me do anything anymore.” She says and tries to move away but he blocks her. He hasn’t touched her though, yet. 

 

“We both know you'll come running back to me. You need me” He says and it sounds like he really believes it.

 

“I don’t and I won't... Besides I'm seeing someone else now” And that’s when he snaps, nostrils flaring he grabs her arm and pushes her against the wall.

 

Twelve more floors to go.

 

“You're lying” he grits out

 

“No” She struggles to sound calm, to not let him know he got to her.

 

Eleven more floors.

 

“They'll leave you.” He spits out. “Once they've figured out how I've ruined you for anyone else.” his grip tightens “You're mine. . I’m the only one patient to deal with you. They’ll get tired of you. The only thing you’re good at is spreading your legs and getting fucked. That's the only way they'll stick around. Once they find out you’re used goods they’ll leave. Or when they realise how fat you’ve gotten. Tell me. Do you think of me when he's inside you? I bet you do. I'm the best you've ever had. You’re always going to think of me.” He seethes. He’s trying to break her and he knows how to do it, but she only has nine more floors and she won’t give him that satisfaction.

 

“Like you thought of me when you took advantage of Ella?I” She sees the momentary flicker of surprise take over his enraged face “I know all about it. That’s why I’m here, to tell them all about what you did to me.” He pushes her a little harder into the wall and puts his hand over her mouth.

 

“Shut up! I didn’t do anything to you or that other slut. And if you know what’s good for you, you won’t say anything.” He threatens.

 

At that moment the elevator dings, signalling someone else is going to get on. She takes the brief distraction to make her escape, shoving her palm into Finn’s nose and darting out the door as soon as it opens enough, startling the old man as she does so. She just manages to hear Finn cussing in response but the door closes before he can follow her.

 

Looking down, she sees a small amount of blood on her hand and instead of feeling satisfied, it makes her feel sick. Her arm is already starting to bruise as she makes her way down the last seven flights of stairs.  

 

The whole way home she tries not to think about it. She doesn't want to let his words get to her but they do. She feels her skin crawl at the thought of his hands on her, she gets in the shower to try and wash it off. She can still feel where his hand was, so she takes her pumice stone and starts scrubbing away at her skin. They say it takes seven years before all of your cells are new but she can't wait that long, she needs all traces of him gone. So she keeps scrubbing and scrubbing, until when she emerges from the shower her skin is raw, bright red and pink, but she doesn't feel better because his words are still in her head and those can’t be scrubbed out.

Looking in the mirror she sees what he meant, she has gained weight. Up until now she hadn’t thought it was a big deal. Deep down she knows it still isn’t, but that surface layer that’s still riddled with insecurities doesn’t see it that way. Before she gives herself time to spiral, she throws her robe on over her underwear and leaves the bathroom, just as Lexa walks in.

 

“Hey! How’d it g-” She cuts Lexa off by surging forwards and crashing their lips together. Lexa only hesitates for a second before reciprocating. Their lips move together, messy and fast, Lexa tries to slow it down but she won’t let her. It's nothing like any of their other kisses, it's rushed and for all the wrong reasons. Her heart is beating hard against her chest as she pushes all other thoughts out of her mind. 

 

She thinks she hears Lexa trying to say something, but she ignores it, sucking the brunettes lip into her mouth. She unties her robe and starts to unbutton Lexa’s jeans when hands grip her shoulders and push her away.

 

“Woah woah stop. What's going on?” Lexa asked with heavy breath and swollen lips.

 

“I thought it was pretty obvious.” She tries to joke, but it falls flat at Lexa’s expression.

 

“It was, but why?” Lexa asks, still confused.

 

“Do you not want me?” She knows it was the right that Lexa stopped her, but the rejection still sticks after everything she heard today. If Lexa doesn’t want to have sex with her, how is she going to make her happy. Suddenly feeling over exposed with the way her robe is, she quickly ties it back up and wraps her arms around herself.

 

“Of course I do, but not like this, not when something is obviously bothering you.” Lexa says, wiping a tear she didn’t even know she had shed. “I want it to be for the right reasons and this, right now, feels wrong.”

 

“I'm sorry” she chokes out.

 

“What's going on?” Lexa tries.

 

“Finn” She manages to say and watches Lexa’s face contort to deeper confusion and underlying anger.

 

“What about Finn?” Lexa says with practiced calm.

 

“He said- he said you’d leave me if I- if I didn’t-”

 

“If you didn’t have sex with me.” Lexa finishes for her, with a slightly clenched jaw. “When did he say that?”

 

“T-today”

 

“You saw him today? Why didn’t you call me? Where was he? I’ll call officer Miller and-”

 

“No.”

 

“What?”

 

“He was at the same office building, his lawyer’s probably there too, we- he got in the elevator after me and tried to-”

 

“Did he touch you?” Lexa’s calm demeanor breaks with that.

 

“No!...Well yes, but not in that way” She says and rolls up her sleeve to show the new marks on her arm. “He wanted me back, but I told him no and that I was seeing someone and then he said some stuff.”

 

Lexa was quiet for a minute but it felt like an eternity. "And you thought that I- that I would-" Lexa tries but shakes her head. She moves to place her hand on the brunettes shoulder, but Lexa recoils.

 

“Are- are you mad at me?” She asks with wide eyes.

 

“I’m not mad at you.” Lexa says, shaking her head, but her lips are still pursed.

 

“You seem mad.” This was not how she saw this going.

 

“I’m frustrated.” Lexa says after a moment, releasing a deep breath.

 

“With me?” She asks nervously, trying to get Lexa to look at her and that seems to do the trick. Lexa’s eyes are swimming with unnamed emotions and uncertainty.

 

“No, with the situation.”

 

“It’s over though, so you don’t have to be.”

 

“Is it though?” Lexa asks and her voice rising slightly.

 

“Wh-what do you mean?” She asks with a knit brow.

 

“Nothing, just forget it.” Lexa says and makes to walk to her bedroom before Clarke stops her.

 

“No, tell me!” She pleads.

 

“I said it’s nothing.”

 

“It’s obviously not, why won’t you talk to me?” She asks and her voice is starting to quiver with the turn of events.

 

“We talk all the time.” Lexa dismisses and opens her door and walks in, but before it closes Clarke pushes her way inside. 

 

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about, but even then you never talk about what’s bothering you.” She argues with a new found rage.

 

“Well I’m sorry that everytime something happens you think that I’m going to leave or hit you. I’m sorry that he’s still able to get to you. And I’m so sorry that you actually think that you have to proposition yourself for me to want to be with you!” She could have sworn Lexa was about to break down, but she’s not thinking rationally at moment to do something about it.

 

“Oh so it’s my fault? It’s not like I want to feel that way.” She scoffs and crosses her arms.

 

“I didn’t say that! And it doesn’t matter, you still do.”

 

“I can’t help it!” She exclaims before pacing furiously within the small confines of the room. “I’m not broken.” She says shaking her head. “You can’t start treating me differently and second guessing everything. I’m not going to break.”

 

“I never said you were.” Lexa placates. “He still able to get to you and that’s frustrating. I’m allowed to be frustrated that someone I care about is being hurt by someone you’ve jumped through hoops to keep away. And that he made you second guess my intentions.”

 

She sighs, any remaining frustration dissipating.“You’re right. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to spin your words or invalidate your feelings. I know you aren’t like that.”

 

“I’m sorry that I tried to walked away.” Lexa says and they both just stand there, slightly awkward, shuffling their feet. Before she let’s out a small huff of a laugh that draws Lexa’s attention to her.

“It’s funny. We haven’t even defined our relationship yet and were already arguing. What does that tell you?”

 

“That we were stressed and weren’t communicating with each other.”

 

“Yeah I guess. Sorry I jumped you.”

 

“Next time please just talk to me first, and for the record, if you never wanted to have sex, I’ll still be here.” Lexa says and she just scoffs.

 

“You say that now…” She jokes before becoming serious again and meeting Lexa’s eye. “Are we okay?”

 

“Yeah, I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not a little hurt, but I understand your thought process.” Lexa says and takes her hand. “You know we could help rid one of your worries and define it.”

 

“What?” She had no idea what Lexa was talking about.

 

“Us.” Lexa says as it’s the most obvious thing.

 

“Seriously?” She asks incredulously. “You want to do this right now?”

 

“Well I mean, it’s not how I would have liked to do it, but I think it might help get the message across better at this point.” Lexa says confidently. “I’m not going anywhere, not now, not tomorrow, not for as long as you’ll have me- if you’ll have me. I know we said we’d try this out, no labels or expectations and I still have no expectations. But I want to be with you. The good, the ugly, the everything. And I would like to do that all, while calling you my girlfriend.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought!(?) 
> 
> next chapter- A little help from a friend(s?) and the beginning of the Clexa trip- which is fluff xx


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, three updates in less than a week!
> 
> This chapter and the next like one and possibly a half (tbd) are fluffy before the drama starts back up (because ugh drama). 
> 
> Enjoy! sorry for any mistakes xx

Later that evening Clarke had gotten a text from Raven, saying that she had come up with a way to hopefully trace things back to Abby and to meet her at some random address the next morning. While that would push back her and Lexa’s plans, which she was still in the dark about, Lexa promised her it wouldn’t be a big deal and they didn’t have far to travel. Lexa also told her they could wait until after the trial to go or at least wait until after she was able to clear her thoughts about everything by talking to Niylah. But she wasn’t having it. She didn’t want to let him ruin anything else, plus getting away  _ would  _ help ease her mind. So, with a session scheduled for Wednesday, and a bag packed for an unknown location, she was already feeling better.

 

-

Looking down at the address on her phone for the third time and then back up to the building in front of her, she took a deep breath before texting Raven that she was there. She hadn’t known what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t an apartment building and now she was even more curious about what Raven’s plan entailed.

 

“Clarke!” She looks up from where she had zoned out, to see Raven holding the door open for her and made her way over. With a quick hug the two of them made their way inside and towards the stairwell.

 

“So where are we?” She asks, looking around like she expects the building to transform as they walk up.

 

“A new friend of mine’s.” Is all Raven says, which is ironic because Raven is never one for little detail...or shutting up really...and that distracts her enough from making some flatline joke about her having friends.

 

“And how is that going to help?”

 

“Well, the company I work for now is basically a federal subsidy and has access to pretty much every computer program and company you can think of.” She furrows her brow because that doesn’t sound like an answer to her question.

 

“And?”

 

“And that’s my back up if what I have planned doesn’t work, using one of those programs to uncover Abby. And before you ask, yes it’s illegal, which is why it’s a backup. Although plan A isn’t that much more legal, it has less opportunity to get caught.” Raven says nonchalantly and gestures that they’re on their floor.

 

“Okay, hold on” She says stopping in front of Raven. “I don’t like the sound of any of that and I want you to tell me your plan right now before we go any further.” 

 

Raven just rolls her eyes. “I’m going to do what your bank wouldn’t or hopefully I am. Obviously you know your account isn’t paper, everything is electric and everything electric has fingerprints or traces. So I’m going to get into your account and see if I can pinpoint the anomaly and find it’s source. That or I’m going to redirect old transcriptions and see if that leads anywhere. That’s the simple way of putting it at least.” 

 

“Yeah, no. That doesn’t sound legal at all. I don’t want to do it if it means you could go to jail.” She says resolutely, shaking her head.

 

“Clarke it’s fine! Seriously, I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t. Besides for one, I’ve probably done worse, and two, they don’t come after you for things like this. It’s not like I’m stealing money or leaking information. I’m helping my friend and staying within your account.” Raven says, like she’s thought everything out and anything you tell her won’t actually have any effect.

 

She sighs “Okay, so what are we doing here?” because she still doesn’t understand why they aren’t at Raven’s. Before answering Raven drags her down the hall and knocks on a door.

“Well, I needed more than a basic computer to do this, so I called upon my new friend -” Raven is cut off when the door opens or at least she doesn’t hear anything else that her friend says because she’s too busy staring at a familiar face.  

 

“Monty?” She asks in disbelief, even though it’s obviously him, but she can’t keep having these small world moments.

 

“Clarke, it's good to see you! We've missed you at the bakery.” Monty says cheerily and steps aside so they can come in.

 

“Yeah we actually have to wait for our order to be ready” Someone who looks vaguely familiar but she can’t place says with a pout. “ow! What was that for?” He asks Monty after painful jab to the ribs, but Monty just shoots, what was probably supposed to be a glare, at him.

 

“Ignore him, although it's kind of a compliment in his own way, it's not the same without you.” Monty says sympathetically and then it clicks. 

 

“Jasper! Oh, I didn’t even recognise you without your long hair and goggles.” She says, taking in his freshly shaved head.

 

“Yeah,” he drawls rubbing a hand over the growing stubble “I was told chicks dig this look.” winking at Raven who simply turns and walks away with a ‘ _ not even in your dreams’. _

 

Monty leans into her and whispers “yeah, or he blew too big of a bubble and got gum in his hair with no choice but to shave it.“

 

“Dude! You weren’t supposed to tell anyone!” Jasper whines “You didn’t even get the picture. It was huge. Anyway, did you bring any goodies for us?”

 

Raven cuts her off before she has time to answer. “Alright, enough we are so off track here. We'll have time for bakery catch up later, right now we're here to figure out why she isn't there. Well the whom of it really.” Raven says before turning back to her “Monty and I have been talking for a few months, he’s helping make my transition into the company smoother. He also happens to have a higher clearance than me, with access to better tech, and he offered to help”

 

“I was promised free strudels” Monty points out.

 

“Yeah, that one's on you Clarkey.”

 

“Um, okay. Well thank you for helping Monty, I’m sure Raven hasn’t really told you much but that’s really kind of you.”

 

“I have all I need to know, you’re a good person, not many people take the time to get to know their customers like you did.” Monty says sincerely and hearing his praise makes her feel warm and she can’t fight the smile that breaks out on her face.

 

“Alright, no more mushy shit, we have work to do.” Raven says, sending Monty over to an expensive looking computer. “Okay, so I don't actually need you here.” Raven says to her and opens the front door.

 

“So why-”

 

“I'm keeping you in the loop”

 

“There are easier ways-”

 

“Not where I get to see this cute face” Raven cooes while squeezing her face. “Now go, you’ve got places to be!” Raven says excitedly and pushes her out the door.

 

She spins around “Wait do you know where-” the door slams shut. “We’re going..” She finishes off with a sigh before shaking her head and walking back the way she came.

 

\----  

 

“Are you ever going to tell me where we’re going” She asks for what Lexa thinks is the hundredth time, but really it’s only been five. Then again they’ve only been in the car for thirty minutes. 

 

“You’ll know when we get there.” Is Lexa’s only answer, not matter what she tries she can’t get anything out of her girlfriend. She can’t help but grin at the thought at that word. Of she and Lexa being girlfriends. It makes her feel giddy and like she’s back in high-school. Those thoughts are always what stop her from pushing further, she really just likes hearing the exasperated sigh that leaves Lexa’s lips every time she asks.

 

“What's got you so smiley? I know you haven't figured it out.”

 

“I'm just happy.” She responds and leaves the  _ because of you  _ unsaid, because she doesn't want to be  _ That  _ sappy. Lexa seems pleased with her answer, offering a grin of her own before focusing on the road again.

 

They’ve made one stop so far. A quick one, but it was probably one of the best five minute stops of her life, because Lexa pulled the car over next to a sign that said  _ Clarkesville.  _ That's right, with an E. She had inadvertently squealed, but would wholeheartedly deny it if anyone asked and then they took more pictures than what was considered normal, but it was a rare occurrence that needed documenting.

 

“If you aren’t going to tell me where we’re going, will you at least tell me how far away we are? Like do we need to start a road game or make a restroom stop or…?” She trails off knowing Lexa got the picture.

 

“We’ll be there in twentyish minutes, so if you would like to play a game to pass the time we can.”

 

“Hmm, there aren’t many signs around here for the alphabet game.” She says glancing around. “What about twenty one questions or trivia?”

 

“Alright, shoot”

 

They start with twenty one, Lexa failed to guess she was thinking of gummy worms, while it only took her six questions to guess Lexa was thinking of a squid.

 

“You’re supposed to make it hard!”

 

“Hey, squids are very random to think about!” Lexa defends

 

“Not when it’s you.” She deadpans

 

When they move on to trivia, she’s not surprised by Lexa’s vast knowledge in science, especially regarding the ocean, she is surprised by Lexa’s lack of knowledge on sports.

 

“Just because I’m fit, doesn’t mean I follow sports. I don’t even play any sports!”

 

“Well my bad for assuming that since you owned a recreational center you would know about recreational sports. Honestly, what was I thinking.”

 

And twenty, give or take a few, minutes later, Lexa announces their arrival. She looks around as they turn on to the dirt road for any clues on their whereabouts, but all she sees is trees. When they reach a clearing, a light blue house comes into view. Lexa stops the car off to the side and gets out to grab their bags.

 

“Where are we?” She asks as she climbs out of the car and takes in her surroundings.

 

“This” Lexa pauses as she swings a duffle over her shoulder, before walking towards the house “Is where I grew up.”

 

She’s momentarily stuck while she processes what Lexa just said and then in an instant she’s at Lexa’s side, grabbing her arm and turning them around.

 

“You brought me to meet your mom?!” She tries to hiss out but it sounds like more of a squeak.

 

“Well, no, not exactly. I brought you here for something else, there just so happens to not be any hotels in the area and my mom happens to live here so…” Lexa tapers off, only now seeming to realise the gravity of the situation- they only became official yesterday after all. “Was this a bad idea? We could totally get back in the car right now, she’ll never know. Okay, she would but I can tell her I didn’t think this through or even better there was an emergency or something and we had to leave.” Lexa looks on the verge of panicking, so she puts her finger on the brunettes lips.

 

“It’s fine, kind of nerve wracking, but fine. I hope.”

 

“Are you sure?” Lexa asks worriedly.

 

“I mean not what I was expecting and a little heads up would have been nice, but yes I’m sure. Besides, now I get to learn all about your childhood. She has pictures right?” she grins at Lexa’s distraught face.

 

“I’m already regretting this.” Lexa groans, only until they hear voice, then her face takes on a look of pure joy. “Come on, they’re probably out back.” Lexa says excitedly, dropping the bags before taking her hand and pulling her towards the back yard.

 

As soon as they’ve rounded the corner of the house, a sandy haired boy comes racing towards them.

 

“Commander!” he shouts as his tiny legs carry him across the grass.

 

Lexa straightens her posture as soon as he reaches them. “General” comes Lexa’s response.

 

Immediately the boy stand bolt upright one arm down against his side while the other salutes “Permission to hug?” he asks with a serious face. Lexa narrows her eyes and gives him a once over before saying ‘granted’, getting down on her knees, and opening her arms. The boy gives the cheekiest gapped tooth grin and launches himself at an equally smiley Lexa. She thinks it’s the most carefree she’s seen her and something bubbles in her chest watching the interaction.

 

The clearing of a throat draws all three of theirs attention. She turns to see a shorter, sun aged, stern looking woman. She gulps immediately in anticipation. The woman looks expectantly at Lexa.

“Well? Come here, goufa.” Lexa smiles and stands, walking into the arms of who she can only assume is her mother. 

“Hi mom” Lexa says, stepping out of the hug.

 

“That's all I get? You hardly call, you don’t visit anymore, I need at least another full minute hug” The woman says pulling Lexa back into her arms. She just stands off to the side not sure what to do with herself as the display of affection takes place.

 

“I call every week and I’m here now, aren’t I?” Lexa states, but the woman has set her sights on something else- well, someone else.

 

“Ah, you must be Clarke.” Suddenly her mouth is dry, the woman is walking towards her and she’s probably coming off rude, if not at the least looking like a fool.

 

“Y-yes, I’m Clarke. It’s nice to meet you Mrs.-?”

 

“Just call me Indra.” The woman says before bypassing her outstretched hand and engulfing her into a hug of her own. “It’s a pleasure to meet you as well, child.” Indra says before turning to the boy. “Where are your manners? I know I’ve taught you better than this.” the boy does a good job looking apologetic, even though he hasn’t taken his eyes off Lexa since they got their. 

 

He turns to her, extending his little hand. “My name’s Aden.”

 

“Hi, Aden. My name’s Clarke. Lexa tells me a lot of great things about you” she says and watches his eyes light up, before looking to Lexa for confirmation.

 

“How can I not talk about my favorite little general. Speaking of which,” Lexa starts conspiratorially, kneeling to get to Aden’s height. “Do you think we should let Clarke in on our weapon of choice?” Lexa asks and wiggles her eyebrows at Aden who grins, nodding his head vigorously.

 

“No, absolutely no tickle guns until after dinner.” Indra reprimands.

 

“But mom!” Lexa and Aden whine simultaneously.

 

“No, buts. Aden go wash up. Lexa, I have your room setup, be useful and take your bags up there while Clarke and I finish setting the table.”

 

“Fine,” Lexa agrees without argument “Way to ruin the surprise.” She huffs out before heading back to the care. 

 

“Come, Clarke, the food is ready.” Indra says over her shoulder walking up to the house, leaving her no choice but to follow.

 

Seeing how much food had been prepared, she keeps expecting more people to show up, but then Indra only hands her four place setting to put out so that idea is squashed. 

 

“So, Clarke.” Oh boy, he she goes. “Are you originally from Maryland?” Indra asks. Starting off easy, she can handle that, and hopefully steer questions away from danger territory. She doesn’t want to lie and she doesn’t know what, if anything, Lexa’s told her mom.

 

“No, I grew up in a small town in southern California.” She says and moves to carry the serving platters over to the table.

 

“Ah, lot’s of problems there, it’s good you left.” oh she has no idea Clarke thinks. “And how long have you lived with my Lexa?”

 

“Um, almost seven months now I believe.” She says and Indra hums in response.

 

“And what is it you do for a living?” More like can you provide for my daughter if need be she thinks, but doesn’t know how to answer. They’ve reached the grey area of her comfort level, but she doesn’t know how to get out of it. Thankfully Lexa appears in the doorway before she has to come up with something.

 

“Mom, what happened to the guest room?”

 

“Oh,” Indra waves her off. “I got tired of stepping on all of those tiny bricks of his and turned it into a playroom.”

 

“Is the new couch a pull out?”

 

“No, why? Is someone else coming?” Indra asks, genuinely concerned she doesn’t have enough room for everyone. “I might still have an old blowup in the attic.” Indra ponders and while Clarke knows what both other women are thinking, it doesn’t seem like they’re going to be on the same page anytime soon.

 

“Wha-”

 

“Lexa’s just being proper.” She says to Indra, ending the confusion before it begins. She turns to Lexa. “If your mom is okay with us sharing a bed, we don't need to find another.” She says honestly, and though Lexa still looks unsure, Indra looks pleased.

 

“It’s the twenty first century dear, I know how kids are these days. Now wash up and go find where Aden disappeared to, dinner’s ready.” Indra says and leaves to go grab the last dish.

 

She doesn’t think she’s ever eaten something so delicious. Seriously, if she could only ever eat one thing for the rest of her life it would be whatever Indra made them tonight. Lexa says Indra is the best cook she knows and Aden says the secret is licking salt- or garlic salt, but he misheard it when he was too little to understand when they corrected him and now it’s too enjoyable to point out- Indra just says Lexa’s biased, but all of her herbs are grown in her garden.

 

They sit at the table long after the meal is finished. Aden doing most of the talking, telling them, well mostly Lexa, of all his new adventures and how his new school going. They don’t have to take naps anymore, so they get more time to play outside and his friend Noah ‘knows’ about all of the bugs they find and already knows how to ride a two wheeler and loves to play soldier with him and so on and so on they learn everything Lexa has missed since she has last been home.

 

They decide to call it a night, when it’s time for Aden to go to bed. Lexa says something about if she’s up for it they have a beautiful view of the sunrise and while that doesn’t seem like her cup of tea she says she’s open to the idea of waking up early if Lexa carries her everywhere.

 

They take turns readying themselves in the ensuite, and before she knows it they are both standing in the middle of the room, staring at the double bed in front of them.

 

“I'm sorry about this, I can sleep on the floor or- or move down to the couch and set an alarm to be back up before my mom notices or I can-”

 

“Lexa! It's fine. Honestly. It's not like I haven't slept on your bed before” She points out like it’s no big deal even if she’s a nervous wreck on the inside. She gives herself a mental pat on the back for how calm she sounds, especially compared to Lexa.

 

“Oh. Okay. Um do you want me to get extra blankets so you can do that?” She pauses at the side of the bed, confused by what Lexa said.

 

“Do What?” She asks, before realising what Lexa was referring to. Oh. “Oh. No, it's fine. I don't mind sharing, I mean as long as you're alright with it…?” Because just because she’s developed some newfound bravery, doesn’t mean Lexa has. Plus they haven’t really been all that physical after her stunt yesterday, so maybe that’s why Lexa’s hesitant.

 

“Me? Yeah, yeah, I'm okay with it.” Lexa says more to herself than Clarke.

 

“Great, it's settled.” She says. But neither of them move.

 

“So.”

 

“Right” She crawls under the covers and watches as Lexa does the same. They both just lay there, trying not to move or make it awkward, only to make it awkward by not doing anything.

 

“Goodnight, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice sounds foreign, and she can’t help the sigh that escapes her lips.

 

“Night Lex.”

 

After another unbearable five minutes, she decides to break the tension. She rolls over and fits herself in the crook of Lexa’s arm. She hears Lexa let out a breath of what she assumes is relief and feels arms wrap around her. With all of the weird atmosphere gone she can enjoy the feeling of sharing a bed with Lexa, of being wrapped in her girl friends arms. She smiles to herself before drifting off to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Why do you think Lexa brought them there? I wrote this chapter in chunks so hopefully it flowed D:  
> Anything you want to see? tell me and I'll do my best to put it in!  
> Thank you all for leaving comments and kudos and just reading it in general, I appreciate all of you! xx


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to sunday updates. Like I said before, this and the first half of the next chapter are a little break/fluff before the plot and I guess you'd call it drama continue.
> 
> xx

Clarke woke up cold and slightly disoriented, early the next morning. Squinting at the lump next to her in bed, she sees the blankets rise and fall evenly. Sometime during the night, it seems Lexa had rolled away from her and managed to take all the covers along with her. Figuring she doesn’t have the energy to grapple with Lexa over the blankets, she swings her legs over the side of the bed and stretches enough to release a pop from her back and not wake the brunette. 

 

It seems Lexa forgot about their talk of seeing the sunrise, but she doesn’t mind. For one, even though she’s awake, that doesn’t mean she wants to brave the brisk morning air, and she also knows how much of a toll everything put on Lexa and wants her to have undisturbed peace and sleep.

 

So she decides to be a good guest and make everyone breakfast. She quietly readies in the bathroom before tiptoeing down the hallway and stairs. She doesn’t know what time Indra typically wakes, but as of now she has the house to herself. 

 

Once she gets the the kitchen, illuminating it with the small light over the stove, she tries to come up with a meal everyone would like. To her surprise, she doesn’t have to wonder long before she hears the soft pad of feet and Aden shuffles into the kitchen, looking asleep on his feet. As a kid Clarke was never one to wake up early, always sleeping for at least twelve hours before she was able to function, and by the looks of it, Aden didn’t seem like an early bird either. It makes her a tad nervous, being alone with him. It’s not that she’s bad with kids, it’s just that she hasn’t really been around them much lately. Any time one came into the bakery she was great with them, but that was a small practised interaction, with other people around. Now, it was just her and she couldn’t help but feel awkward, with no idea how to handle the situation.

 

“Morning Aden” He startles a little at the sound of her voice, but continues his path to the counter, hoisting himself up onto one of the stools. “Can’t sleep?” The only response she receives is the shake of his head as he rubs his eyes. “Are you hungry?” He nods. “Okay, what’s your favorite breakfast?” She asks hoping for a verbal response, but he just looks up at her with droopy eyes. “Um I can make you pancakes or eggs or just cereal or french toast or…”

 

“French toast?” Finally he speaks, no more one sided conversations.

 

“Yeah, have you had that before?” He shakes his head, okay back to that. “Do you like cinnamon?” He nods “Alright, do you want to try it?” He looks contemplative for a moment before nodding his head again. “Okay, great” She sighs and moves to look for the ingredients. It feels a little uncomfortable, going through someone else's cupboards, but she shakes it off telling herself it’s more for Aden than for her so it’s okay. 

 

She let’s the griddle heat up as she mixes the eggs and spices. After putting in a dollop of milk, she pours Aden a glass and wordlessly slides it over to him. It seems to be a good move, as he takes a small sip shortly after. 

 

“Can you make shapes like pancakes?” The small voice makes her jump having gotten used to the quiet. She turns around from where she was about to place the egg soaked bread on the griddle to give him her attention.

 

“Um, well I suppose I could cut them after they’re done. It’s not really shapeable like pancakes are.” She watches his shoulder sag a bit. “What shape would you like?”

 

“Uh, scooby doo.” He says hesitantly but also like it should have been obvious and honestly it should have been obvious. Had she actually taken in his appearance, the scooby doo pajamas and scooby slippers that were fit on his swinging legs, she probably wouldn’t have even asked. She thinks for a moment before searching the cupboard for something else and only once she’s found it, does she turn back to him.

 

“Do you know where I could find a piece of paper and some scissors?” He nods and she thinks he’s just going to point her in the right direction, but he slowly lowers himself from the stool before disappearing into the next room. It isn’t long before he comes back with the required supplies though. She sets to work as the first batch starts cooking, making sure to check it occasionally and flip when necessary, but by the time they’re ready so is she.

 

Aden watches her with as much rapt attention he can at that hour. She coats a few pieces with powdered sugar before grabbing the cut paper and turning her back to him. When she’s done, she spins around and displays her creation, Aden’s eyes grow instantly at the sight and she waits for his appraisal of her portrayal. She only had his outfit to go off of when making the stencil and didn’t have any colors really, but she’s pretty proud of what she came up with. Kids are always the toughest critics though. The powdered sugar acted as the canvas and she had mixed nutmeg and cinnamon together to make the brown color of the dog’s coat, which she sifted through her homemade stencil. A little dab of chocolate sauce for the eyes and spots and she was set or at least she hoped.

 

“This...is so cool!” Aden squealed, making her wince at the his new decibel level.

 

“What is?” Lexa asks as she enters the kitchen, taking in a large inhale at the smell of breakfast.

 

“Clarke made scooby doo!”

 

“Oh she did, did she?” Lexa asks, shooting Clarke a raised brow before moving over to Aden to see the creation. Lexa seems impressed with what she sees and sends her a soft smile in a silent thanks. “Hmm, that looks a little too good to eat, you know what would fix that though?”

 

“Um..no?”

 

“Lots and lots of syrup” Lexa grins and Aden lets out another squeal of delight as she dumps the container of the sticky liquid over his plate.

 

Indra joins them shortly after, having heard the bouts of excitement. They dig in, everyone complimenting the meal, stuffing themselves with way too much of it. Shortly after Indra takes Aden to gymnastics and Lexa does the dishes while Clarke collapses onto the couch, the lack of sleep already catching up to her.

 

\------

 

Later that day

 

Lexa packed a couple of backpacks, each of them taking one, as they started to hike a trail that led from the backyard through the woods. It was hard to keep track of time, getting lost in the serenity and vastness of the forest, but it wasn’t long before they stopped at an overlook for a break. Taking in the expanse in front of her, Clarke was overcome with a deep sense of calm. The stretch of trees, undisturbed by man and only broken apart by a small lake.

 

“Want to have lunch by the lake?” Lexa asks her. And she did, that sounded like an amazing idea only off putting by the daunting hike that lay ahead of them. But as always, Lexa seemed to be able to read her thoughts. “The hike back won’t be too bad, I promise.”

 

Slightly reassured she was almost ready to agree. “What about the way down?”

 

Lexa’s only response is a smirk. Standing up from her spot on a fallen tree, she extends her hand out to Clarke. “Do you trust me?” 

 

If she was asked that months ago, even weeks ago she would have hesitated to say yes, if not shut down the idea completely. But it’s different now and she honestly does trust Lexa, so it doesn’t come as a surprise to her when the confirmation slips from her mouth as she takes the offered hand.

 

Lexa’s smirk turns into a full blown grin and she groans. “I’m going to regret that aren’t I?”

 

“Not in the slightest, now follow me.” 

 

She’s only slightly confused when they stop at the base of a large tree and Lexa removes the pack from her back. She watches the brunette rustle through, excitedly pulling hidden items out.

 

“My mom’s friend Ryder, you’ll meet him tomorrow, is an adventure enthusiast, as well as a huge environmentalist. When this land went up for auction, he couldn’t stand the thought of it being bulldozed and turned into something commercial, so he bought it all. He wanted to get people connected with the area and conservation and thought this was the best way. Only after he put it all together, he, well mom says he just didn’t want to share with anyone, but he says he didn’t want to disturb the area more.” Lexa absentmindedly shakes her head. “Which is exactly what would have happened. Anyways, now we free reign of this” Lexa says spreading her arms out, gesturing to the surrounding area. Still confused she looks around for some indication as to what Lexa was talking about and it’s only when she looks up and sees a small platform about forty feet up and what looks like a wire does she finally catch on. 

 

When Lexa holds up a harness, she gulps. “Um, isn’t that, uh, a little dangerous for two people to do alone?” 

 

“What? No. I’ve been doing this since I was ten, it’s perfectly safe. If I didn’t know my mom would have a heart attack, I’d come by myself. But really, Ryder makes sure to do maintenance every month, so it’s perfectly safe.” Lexa reassures.

 

Clarkes only response is a noncommittal hum and slight head bob. Lexa fits her snugly into a harness and gloves, and then ushers her to climb up the tree first. It’s not bad, unless she looks down, and once they’re on the platform she practically hugs the tree, but it’s fine, she’s fine, she trusts Lexa. For now.

 

“Okay, I’m going to hook one of your lines to the wire and leave the other one on the hook for safety. I’ll go first, so I can catch you on the other side, Alright? And when I shout Zip, that means I’m ready and all you have to do is move your safety line to the wire and step off.” Lexa sounds so confident, like she’s going to remember any of that, like she’s confident herself, like she doesn’t feel like she should be wearing one of those adult diapers. But she puts on a solid facade.

 

“Sounds easy enough.” She musters up her most determined voice and posture, still gripping tightly to the tree.

 

“Great! The gloves are there to use if you need to slow down or you don’t make it all the way- but if that happens I’ll come out to get you, other than that, just hold on to the bar.” 

 

Simple enough.

 

Lexa gives her another once over. “This is alright right? I just thought it was different and fun and the adrenaline might help a bit or something…”

 

Steeling herself so she doesn’t say something stupid, she smiles first. “It’s great. I’ve never done this before so it should be fun.” Except if she feels this nervous now and she hasn’t even done it yet, how is she going to be able to do it once Lexa’s not there?

 

“I hope you think so. Alright I’m going to go now.” Lexa says as she transfers her own safety wire. Leaning forward quickly, she steals a quick kiss from Clarke before stepping off the platform backwards, leaving a panicked blonde in her wake. And if she wasn’t so nervous she would be comforted by the fact that Lexa has finally kissed her, but there will be time for that later.

 

She watches Lexa glide across the wire, heart beating rapidly at the display and simply knowing she was next. She spots her land, barely visible on the next platform and waits. When she hears the signal word she freezes, it can’t be time yet, she needs more time, she needs to be on the ground.

 

But Lexa is waiting for her, so she takes the carabiner with shaky hands and moves it to the wire above her head. Holding tightly to the bar, like it would stop her from falling, she slowly shuffles towards the edge. She can’t keep herself from looking down, but after she does, wishes she had more self restraint. She counts to three and her upper body lurches forward but her feet remain glued to the wood. She counts to three again and manages a steady, yet awkward lean off of the platform. There’s really no backing out now, so she takes a deep breath, closes her eyes, and pushes off. 

 

With the wind whipping against her face, she barely registers her scream. About halfway across she opens one eye to look around and is slightly less terrified. It’s an odd sensation, one she can’t name, but it isn’t all that bad.

 

Lexa catches her at the other end and she takes a moment to catch her breath.

 

“So?”

 

“That was...I don’t even know.” She responds still partially out of breath.

 

“I know what you mean. Ready to do it again?” Lexa asks and she blanches. Again?

 

“What?”

 

“There are six more to get to the lake.” She has to do that six more times. Thank the  gods she has a healthy heart.

 

The second time she’s slightly braver, only needing one count of three before letting go. The third time she even opens both eyes and the fourth time she holds a hand out to feel the breeze run through her fingers. 

 

Of course that’s nothing compared to Lexa. Every line, the brunette does something different. The last one her legs were over her head as she zipped across the expanse and Clarke worried she wouldn’t be able to stop in time, but all her fretting was for nothing when Lexa gracefully unballed and came to an easy landing.   

 

When they finally reach the last platform, Clarke has never felt more exhilarated in her life and she can’t keep away her grin, but she doesn’t care because Lexa’s face matches hers. They climb down and de-harness themselves. As Lexa repacks her sack, she looks around and sees they aren’t far from the lake. What would have been a few hour hike, has been cut down to less than thirty minutes. She’ll admit it probably could have been shorter without all of her hesitation, but she’s not ashamed of it.

 

They walk hand in hand the remaining distance to the water’s edge, Lexa takes the bag off of Clarke’s back and removes a smaller bag and a blanket from it. Making themselves comfortable, Lexa divvies out the packed lunch and they settle into a silent state as they eat.

 

After their trash is put away, Clarke finds herself leaning on Lexa as she stares out over the water. She can’t remember a time where she was this at peace and she hates herself for trying to ruin it by thinking of how things will go when they go home. Sighing, she readjusts herself so her palm can rest upwards on Lexa’s thigh. Her chest flutters at Lexa’s quick response to lace their fingers together.

 

“Thank you.” She says quietly, not even sure Lexa heard her until the other girl shifts and a kiss is pressed to the top of her head. 

 

“For what?”

 

“For all of this, I don’t know how you do it but you always seem to know what’s going to make me relax and forget. If you had told me we were going to your mother’s house and that I wouldn’t be a nervous wreck the whole time, I would have told you you were crazy.”

 

“Mm well the jury’s still out on that one.” Lexa fakes a heavy sigh. “But I kind of just wing it, I know everyone is different, but I find that sometimes the same things help distract people. Now I know ziplining is definitely not everyone’s cup of tea and I’m really glad you enjoyed it, but just taking you out of your normal routine is a big factor in this.”

 

“I don’t know if it would have had the same effect. Either way thank you.”

 

“You don’t need to thank me.” Lexa says genuinely and moves to face her. “It’s not something that needs recognition, I just wanted to help and that was the first thing I thought of, because it’s so carefree. It was honestly a tad selfish on my part because I’ve been wanting to come back for a while.” Lexa says and lets out a small laugh.

 

“Oh I see how it is, use my struggle for your own personal gain.” She says with an eyeroll

 

“So long as you know that that’s all it was.” Lexa responds cheekily, earning a light shove.

 

“Come on weirdo, we should probably start heading back.”

 

“You’re right, I don’t want to have to sacrifice you to the coyotes to save myself, that would be tragic.” Lexa says with wide eyes before grinning. 

 

“You think you’re so funny don’t you?” Comes her unamused retort. “But seriously, do I have to be on the lookout for them?” She asks as she picks up her bag, but when she doesn’t get a response she lifts her head in time to see Lexa running the trail, about to round a bend. “Lexa! That is  _ so  _ not funny!” She shouts as she hastens her actions and starts after her girlfriend. “Lexa!” finally reaching her doubled over in laughter. She smacks her arm and does her best to glare at her before continuing along the path.

 

“Clarke! Clarke I was kidding! I wouldn’t just sacrifice you, I’d make sure you had a weapon or something first!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos, it means the world to me!
> 
> if you read the famous one-shot collection I have, the next one will be up sometime this week. I had planned to have it up today but I spent the weekend with my sisters fiancees family (who are extreme homophobic jack wagons) and kind of lost the drive to write, but it will be up!
> 
> Let me know what you think (unless you don't want to) you're all awesome xx


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some fluff of a new variety and then back to reality  
> Hoping to keep with this update schedule xx

Lexa caught up to her quickly, wrapping her arms around Clarke's waist, and swirling her around.

 

“Oh my god, Lexa!” she manages to get out between her squeals and laughing. “Put me down!”

 

“No, you were going to leave me!” Lexa says in fake offense, still holding her up, staggering slightly on the uneven ground.

 

“You left me first!” Clarke protests and tries to squirm free. Only in the process, managing to make Lexa lose her footing and they both fall unceremoniously to the ground. Lexa with a small ‘ _ oof’  _ as Clarke lands on top of her. “That is totally on you.” Clarke groans out as she lifts herself off of the brunette.

 

“I beg to differ.” Lexa says, still sprawled out on the dirt. “You got what you wanted, leave me and save yourself. It's the only way.”

 

She rolls her eyes at Lexa’s antics. “god, you're dramatic.” bending over and grabbing one of Lexa’s hands, she hoists her over the top girlfriend up. “let's go ya fool” she grins and threads their fingers together, mostly because she likes the feeling, but partially so Lexa doesn't run off again.

 

The hike back goes by faster than she thought it would, but she knows from not being a very active person she's going to be sore tomorrow. Lexa leaves to take a call from work, and a note on the fridge says Indra is out buying dinner, so Clarke decides to look around the house. In a, want to know Lexa and her family more way, not a creepy or steal the valuables way.

 

Making her way around the living room, she takes in all of the decorations that create ng the homey atmosphere. Nothing matches per say, but everything combined some how goes together. When she reaches the mantle, she lingers a little longer on the photos. The majority of them are centered around Lexa, but a few have other children in them, and there are a couple of Aden. 

 

“She was always happy as a child.” Indra’s voice pulls her gaze as the other woman walks over. “It was almost impossible to find something she did not enjoy. Although she was quite clumsy, always covered in scrapes.”

 

“Really?” Clarke finds it hard to picture the Lexa she knows now as anything but agile.

 

“Oh yes.” Indra nods seriously, moving to pick up the framed photo of a young Lexa on a bike, head to toe in protective padding. “When I first took her in, I thought she had come from one of those awful homes. After her first week here I found if the wind changed, that little goufa would fall over her own feet.” 

 

“Did she just grow out of it? I don’t think I’ve ever seen her trip, but she was uncoordinated when we went skating.”

 

“That does not surprise me. But no, I signed her up for her first tae kwon do lesson after her scrawny tush decided to stand up for her foster sister and she learned her balance there.”

 

She nods before realising Indra is too engrossed in memories to see her. “I can see that. Lexa is very protective of the people she cares about.”

 

“Indeed. My Lexa is a giver, she gives and gives and sometimes she forgets that she needs things too. Sometimes she ends up giving too much of herself away.” Indra sighs, setting the photo down and turning towards her. “I can see that she would give you anything.”

 

“She-”

 

“But I can also see that you provide for her as well.”

 

“I don't do anything.” She mutters, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute.

 

“You do more than you think yongun.” Indra says in a way that leaves no room for argument and before she can even formulate a response, Lexa enters the room.

 

“You aren’t pulling out the albums right?” Lexa asks, wrapping an arm around Clarke’s waist, giving it a light squeeze.

 

“No, I made copies and hid them in her bag. I figured she would need more time to cherish your faces than she would have here.” Indra responds with a matter of fact nod.

 

“You’re kidding.” Lexa narrows her eyes at her mother, searching for the truth.

 

“I am not one to kid, you should know that by now.” Indra retorts and walks away.

 

“I’m searching your bag before we leave.” Lexa says seriously when they face each other.

 

“Oh no you won’t, you won’t deprive me of your cute face.” She says and pulls them over to the couch.

 

“So you think I’m cute?” Lexa teases, settling into the cushion.

 

“As a child sure.”

 

“Rude.” Lexa responds and then sticks her tongue out.

 

“Mature. And for the record I think you’re more than cute now.” She says and Lexa’s eyes soften as she tucks a brunette curl behind Lexa’s ear. “Anyway, how was everything with work?” Lexa’s demeanor shifts slightly. “What, is something wrong?”

 

“Well, not wrong, um, I just need to go in tomorrow to, uh, fix something.” Lexa says hesitantly, not meeting her eye.

 

“Oh, what happened?”

 

“I don’t know everything at the moment and I want to figure it out before I tell you, if that’s okay?”

 

“Yeah, sure, that’s fine. I mean I don’t know why-” Wait, Lexa is never this allusive when it comes to work and if there is something to figure out that can’t be shared that could mean- “Hold on, does this have anything to do with my mother?” Lexa grimaces slightly.

 

“Like I said, I don’t know anything for sure” Lexa deflects with a shrug.

 

“But that’s what you think?” She says as she stands and begins pacing. Honestly she must have been a fool to think life wouldn’t follow her. She at least thought she could handle the Finn thing first. Not both at the same time.

 

“Well, I have to look at it, but um that’s Octavia’s thought. It could be nothing though.” Lexa tries. “But let’s not let that ruin the rest of our trip okay?”

 

“How? We’re leaving earlier and I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about it.”

 

“Yes, we have to leave in the morning or, well maybe after dinner, but! That means tomorrow’s plan is moved to right now!” Lexa says, mustering up some excitement and moving to pull Clarke towards the front door. 

 

“Lexa, I really don’t think I’m up for another adventure or whatever.” Clarke sighs, but Lexa ignores it and shoves her shoes in her face. “Lexa”

 

“Clarke” Lexa mocks.

 

“I’m serious, I can’t just brush this off.”

 

“I know, but trust me this will be worth your while.” Lexa practically pleads and she can’t say no when those eyes look at her like that.

 

“You’re putting a lot of faith in trust today.” Letting out another sigh, she complies and gets ready to leave.

 

The drive to- wherever they are didn’t last long and she finds herself following Lexa towards a small barn.

 

“Are we getting a dog? Last time you took me to a barn there were dogs.”

 

Lexa laughs lightly before grabbing her hand. “Not exactly. Come on.” Lexa knocks on the side door and a burly man answers, engulfing Lexa in a bone crushing hug.

 

“Short stuff!” He bellows.

 

“Big man!” Lexa laughs and then Clarke watches them do what she assumes is a secret handshake.. “Thanks for letting us come a day early.”

 

“Of course! You’re welcome here anytime, you know that.” He says clapping Lexa on the back. “You must be the fine lass that’s got short stuff here to finally come home.” He says, extending his hand. She hears Lexa mutter about it not being that long, when she shakes his hand and knows there was an accompanied eyeroll.

 

“I don’t know about that, but I’m Clarke. It’s nice to meet you-” She trails off, realising she doesn’t know who he is and is definitely not calling him ‘big man’.

 

“You didn’t even tell her about me?!” He gasps at Lexa. “Well, I see how it is. I’m Ryder, you can come with me. This one” he points his thumb towards Lexa. “Is no longer welcome here.” He moves back through the door way and motions for her to follow. She hesitantly looks back at Lexa, who just offers another eyeroll and ushers her through the door. 

 

“You guys came at the perfect time, they are just old enough to leave.” Ryder says as he leads them down a small hallway.

 

“Are you sure we’re not getting a dog” She whispers to Lexa.

 

“I’m positive. You’ll see in a minute.” Lexa nods towards another doorway where Ryder paused.

 

And sure enough when he opened the door, she was not greeted by the sight of puppies. She didn’t have time to become disappointed though, when she saw the tiny black and white fur balls hopping across the floor. She looked at Lexa to make sure this was real and was met with a grin.

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“I can get a bunny?”

 

“I mean, you always could have, I just thought this was better than a pet store.” Lexa shrugs. 

 

“Oh my god I- you’re amazing!” She throws herself into Lexa’s arms, but Lexa doesn’t even have time to reciprocate before she’s off into the swarm of fur, sitting down in the middle of the room and then, much like the puppies, she soon finds herself covered in little creatures..

 

“Ah I want them all.” She says as the tiny rabbits nuzzle into her pants.

 

“Well, unfortunately we can only pick one.” Lexa says but doesn’t sound as forlorned by the prospect as Clarke feels.

 

“How do you expect me to do that?”

 

“Pick a favorite?”

 

“But, they’re all so cute and fluffy.” She says lifting one up to prove her point.

 

“Clarke.”

 

“Okay, then help me choose.” She says and Lexa, begrudgingly for some reason, takes a better look at the rabbits.

 

“What about that one” Lexa asks and indicates to a white one with black spots and ears, and rings around it’s eyes, as well as what looks like a mustache. “It’s different.”

“Aw, how could I have missed you” she coos and picks it up. “He’s perfect.”

 

“Excellent, if you’re sure, I can give you guys a car carrier and some vegetables to start you off, but I’m afraid you’ll have to get the rest.” Ryder says, clapping his hands together.

 

“That would be great, thanks Ryder. We’ll be able to stop on our way home to get the rest of the supplies, though I already had some friends pick up the habitat since it wouldn’t be able to fit.”

 

“You did?” She asks looking up at Lexa.

 

“Yep, Raven and O kept pestering me about my plans so I decided to involve them so long as they didn’t tell you.”

 

She stands, still holding their bunny, and leans in to kiss Lexa. It’s soft and quick but she still relishes in the feeling. “Thank you.”

 

“Of course, but we really can’t stay much longer. I had planned to spend the day here tomorrow, because Ryder actually has a lot of animals here and we could have gone horse back riding, but…” Lexa tapers off

 

“That just means you have to visit again! And soon” Ryder exclaims. “I’ll go round up your stuff and you can be on your way.”

 

\-------

 

The rest of the day blew by. They, Clarke and Aden, spent the majority of the evening leading up to dinner playing with the yet to be named bunny. They enjoyed another incredible meal provided by Indra before they packed their bags and new furry friend in the car and took off with the promise to come back soon. The closer they got to home, the more the blissful feeling vanished and the churning anxiety returned.

 

“So, what happened that may or may not have been my mother?”

 

“Do we really have to talk about this now? Our vacation isn’t over yet.”

 

“Lexa.” She says softly earning a sigh.

 

“I don’t really know what happened honestly. It seems like someone tried to get into our system to do- I don’t know exactly and while they didn’t touch our funds, they managed to get our employee roster, and a third of our client list before our firewall kicked them out.”

 

“How is that even possible though?”

 

“I mean, I did tell your mother my full name, background and where I work. It’s not that hard to go from there I guess.”

 

“This unbelievable...but it’s not really when it comes to my mother. What do you think she’ll do with that?”

 

“I guess, we’ll find out.”

 

“I’m sorry.” She sighs out. “This shouldn’t be happening to you, or anyone at Grounders.”

 

“Hey, it shouldn’t be happening to you either and don’t blame yourself for this, okay?”

 

“How can I not? This is only happening because of me. It’s my mother doing it.” She points out.

 

“Which is her fault not yours. I egged her on anyways, it was only a matter of time, I’m actually surprised it’s taken so long.” Lexa responds so nonchalantly it baffles her.

 

“How are you so calm?”

 

“There’s nothing I can do about it right now, so I’m going to wait until I know everything before I react a certain way. Besides-” Lexa gets cut off by Clarkes ringtone. She thinks about ignoring it until she sees that it’s Anya.

 

“Hello?”

 

_ “Clarke, I’m calling to inform you, the judge has agreed to allow an in chamber testimony.  However, the trial has been moved up a day, so it would need to be done by Tuesday at the latest. I also would recommend adding your own charges on top of the existing allegations, if you are comfortable with that. You still wouldn’t need to go to the actual trial, it would just mean the possibility of more time.” _

 

Swallowing hard and taking a moment to process the lawyer’s words, she considers it. “Do you mean like for what happened in the elevator?”

 

_ “I meant the basis of your relationship, what are you referring to?” _

 

Realising she never told Anya about what happened after she left her office, she quickly fills her in.

 

_ “This is excellent.” Anya says, then pauses as if just realising what came out of her mouth. “Not what happened” she recovers. “No I’m genuinely sorry that conspired, but now we have recent physical evidence from the security footage to nail the bastard. What ever you decide to do with your medical and police records would just dig a deeper grave.” _

 

“If I don’t have to sit on the stand or in the court room, I think I’d like to do as much as I can, to put him away and be done with this.”

 

_ “Understood, I’ll put everything together to present before I set up you chambers testimony.” _

 

“Okay, thank you for doing this Anya, let me know if you need anything else from me.”

 

_ “I have all I need for now, you’ll be hearing from me again soon.” And then the line clicks  _

 

She let’s out a deep breath, her heart beating faster than it was before. So much for still being on vacation.

 

“Everything okay?” Lexa asks, eyes still on the road, but apparently, without her noticing, one of her girlfriends hands had made it to her leg in attempt to comfort her. She gives it a squeeze.

 

“Yeah, that was just Anya letting me know things were moving forward more quickly than before.”

 

“And?”

 

“I’m giving my testimony tomorrow or Tuesday and the trial is now Thursday.”

 

“Oh, I guess I forgot how soon it was. How are you feeling?”

 

Nervous? Scared? Ready? She hasn’t thought about it or has actively tried not to think about it. But now it’s in her forefront. She has to relive everything. Go into the details that she spared her friends, with an absolute stranger. How should she feel?

 

“I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Any bunny names you like?  
> Will she ever be rid of the drama? 
> 
> Let me know what you thought!
> 
> Thank you all for reading xx


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know anymore, this is so hodgepodgey 
> 
> But Deadsettt asked me to update so here I am

“Rings?”

 

“That doesn’t make sense.”

 

“Sure it does, he has rings around his eyes.” Clarke huffs from her spot on the couch, stroking the topic of conversation. They’ve been home for an hour and she needed to distract herself from Anya’s phone call and the impending trial. That and - “He needs a name and all you’ve done is shot my ideas down.”

 

“Well if you’re going off of his eyes you might as well name him Bandit.”

 

“He’s too sweet to be a Bandit. What about Hoptimus Prime?”

 

“You’re joking.” Lexa deadpans, acting almost insulted on the furry creatures behalf. “Veto”

 

“I wasn’t, but fine. What else do you have?” 

 

“Heda?” Lexa throws out from behind her computer.

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Old world language, means commander or something.” 

 

“Hmm,” Clarke Lifts the rabbit up in front of her face and stares into the dark brown eyes. that might be too serious for him. I don’t want to put any pressure on him.” She says, completely missing her girlfriends eyeroll. “What do you think of Cinna-bun?”

 

“Seriously?” Lexa asks with a voice of almost disgust. “That’s so frilly.”

 

“I don’t see you coming up with anything better! We’ve gone through like thirty names, and haven’t agreed on one.” Clarke points out in minor frustration. Trying to wrack her brain for more ideas she almosts misses the ‘ _ wait until we have a kid’,  _ but a warmth spreads over her body and she pauses. She chances a glance at Lexa, who now looks overly engrossed in her work, and would have thought she made it up, but she can see the light blush creeping up her face so she knows she heard right. She let’s it go, for now anyway, because even though the fact that Lexa has thought about a future with her delights her more than she thought it would, it also scares the shit out of her.

 

“Um, I always see the thing where people name their pets after different animals. I think the most common is naming a dog, fish, but I’ve seen others. You could do that.” Lexa suggests.

 

“ _ We _ could, but what animal?”

 

“Bear?” Lexa says after a few moments of deliberation.

 

“Bear?” She reiterates, testing on her tongue. “Bear, huh, that’s not bad.”

 

“I like it.”

 

“Yeah? Me too. What do you think? Are you a Bear?” She asks the fluffy blob in her lap, that’s content chewing on the edge of her sweater. “I don’t hear any objections”

 

“Fantastic, I’m going to go make lunch.”

 

“What are you calling it this time?”

 

“Hmm, roasted tomato puree with fresh herb, and a side of croque monsieur.”

 

“That’s a real thing though!” She accuses and Lexa raises an eyebrow in mock annoyance. “You’ve been saving that one haven’t you? Tomato basil soup and grilled cheese? Will there at least be ham in it?” She asks with a grin.

 

Lexa scoffs, “How else do you make croque monsieur?”

 

There’s that saying about doing one thing and doing it really well and while Lexa is a hazard to the kitchen the majority of the time, she really is good at making exceptional sandwiches. Even something as simple as a grilled cheese and ham, it’s perfectly toasted, has the perfect ratio of filling, and it’s flavorful. The soup is as good as canned soup can be, but it goes well with the sandwich.

 

Clarke makes it through her first half, before her thoughts catch up to her and she mindlessly dunks the other half into the bowl in front of her.

 

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” She asks after a moment and Lexa looks up at her and then down to the now soggy sandwich before meeting her eyes again.

 

“About what?”

 

“The trial.” She sighs out.

 

“What do you mean?” Lexa asks slightly more confused than before, but now Clarke has her full attention.

 

“Doesn’t it seem like I’m copping out of it by not going. I feel like it’ll make it seem like he still has a hold on- that he still get’s to me and well, maybe he does, but I don’t want everyone else to think that.”

 

“Clarke,” Lexa starts in the soft voice that always pulls her back. “No one is going to think that. You have nothing to prove, okay? It’s not a cop out, it’s you freeing yourself of him. You, not giving him any more of your time. You deserve to move on, you didn’t bring up the lawsuit, you didn’t have a choice in it, but you had a choice in how you handled it. And no one is going to think any less of you for it.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really. The only thing they’ll be thinking about, is how to add as many years to his sentence as they can.”

 

“Lexa” She says faking exasperation.

 

“I’m serious!”

 

“I know you are. Thank you.”

 

“Nothing to thank, though I hope you don’t want anymore of your sandwich. It’s looking a little wilted.”

 

“Are you joking? This is the best time to eat it, cold soup and all.” She says before taking an overly large bite of the mushy sandwich and making an exaggerated ‘ _ mmm’. _

 

“Gross.”

 

\----------

 

It’s Tuesday. She spent all of Monday fretting over what she had to do the following day and now it’s here. It’s Tuesday and she’s currently sitting on a bench in the courthouse waiting to be called in. The door across from her opens and Anya walks out, followed by a man in a suit she doesn’t recognise. He approaches her first and extends his hand.

 

“Miss Griffin, I’m assistant district attorney MacKenzie. I'd like to apologise on behalf of the prosecution department. We were unaware that you had not been previously notified in regards to the actions brought up against Mr. Collins and we are going to rework our system to make sure something like that doesn’t happen again.” He bumbles. He doesn’t seem too sincere in his words, but the thin layer of sweat on his forehead tells her he knows he messed up.

 

She nods mutely in acknowledgement, not thinking that really requires a verbal response, and not wanting him to think he’s off the hook. Besides, she’s not here to see him, so without a word she follows Anya  into the judge's chambers. 

 

It's over before she knows it. The saying time flies when you're having fun could also apply to when you're spilling your life's history to a stranger. The judge had remained impassive throughout the entire ordeal, although the stenographer had had a hard time reigning in her emotions, especially when the photos were brought out. But Clarke paid her no mind, focusing instead on making sure she said all that needed to be said. She didn’t need to see the pictures to jog her memory, the scars do that enough on their own. She didn’t even notice the camera, which she thought would have made her more nervous, once she started it was like she was on autopilot, no one else spoke unless to clarify or ask a question.   


 

Walking out of the office, she feels more drained than she has in a while.

 

“You did well, Clarke” Anya offers from beside her.   


 

“So you couldn’t tell I wanted to throw up the whole time?” She says to try to lighten the mood, well her mood.

 

“Perhaps,” Anya grants her a small half smile. “but you held it in and managed to get through everything. Your statement is solid and should be nearly impossible for the defense to pull apart.”   


 

“So, I still won't be called in?”

 

“It's very unlikely, I will be there in your place. We have your recorded testament as well as the accumulated evidence. I don’t see what else you would be required for.”   


 

Clarke let’s out a long breath and feels some weight lifted off of her shoulders. “Thank you so much, Anya. I can't even imagine doing this without you.”   


 

“Of course. Let me know if you need any representation when it comes to your mother.”   


 

Right, she still has  _ that  _ to look forward to. “I will, thank you.” Anya walks her to the door where they’ll part ways. “You know you should come around more, not just when something legal happens or the once every few months dinner outing. It would be nice to see you under better terms and i'm sure Lexa would love to see you more”   


 

“We’ll see. Lexa and I do not need to see each other often for our friendship to remain as it is, though it wouldn’t hurt I suppose.”   


 

“Just think about it?”

 

“I will. I have another meeting now, but I’ll call you with the verdict.” 

 

\--------   
  


It’s Wednesday and that means her appointment with Niylah. Honestly she needs it to process everything that’s happened in the last week.

 

But she doesn’t know where to start, which she wants to talk about first. So she sits there and rubs her hands along her thighs.   


 

“You seem to have something on your mind.”

 

“That’s the understatement of the week.”

 

“Oh? Has something happened since our last session?”

 

“What hasn’t happened?”

 

“Clarke, your retorts are not going to help you sort your thoughts.”

 

She sighs. “I know, I just don’t know where to begin. I was serious about a lot happening in the last week.”

 

“Okay, well how about you tell me all of it and then we’ll figure out what you want to focus on after, together.”   


 

“Okay” She says and braces herself. “Okay. Well, I got subpoenaed to testify against Finn in court, because some other girl filed against him and somehow knew about me I guess. Then, I ran into him at my lawyers office, well elevator, and he- he said some things and I let him get in my head and then I tried to make Lexa sleep with me because of that even though I know I'm not ready for that and well it was wrong and- and she got upset and then I did, but then we sort of talked it out and went away. I met her mom and got a bunny and went ziplining and oh the trial is soon, as in tomorrow I think, but I gave my testimony yesterday so that I don't have to actually go in. And and...yeah I think that covers it.” She rushes out the jumbled mess of thoughts and looks up at Niylah and to her credit she doesn't looked too phased but Clarke's been seeing her long enough to recognise her tells- the stilled pen and eyes widened  _ just  _ a fraction- to know that was not what she was expecting. “So where do I start?”

 

“It seems as though your week was branched off of one event and that would be the trial. It lead up to your encounter with Finn and as a result, everything that transpired with Lexa. Before we go further into it, how did your testimony go?”

 

“Well, I think, at least that’s what Anya told me.”

 

“I did not mean what you said. How were you when it was happening, were you able to process it?”

 

“Um, well I was really nervous leading up to it, but during the whole thing, it didn’t feel like I was really there?”

 

“Did you feel like you were dissociating?”

 

“Not really? It wasn’t like before. I mean, I remember everything and I  _ know  _ I was there, but it’s like I just turned my emotions off in order to get through it.”

 

Niylah nods, “Emotional suppression is normal in these situations. It’s a common defense mechanism. The “switch” serves its purpose and allows you to get through stressful situations without causing you any more duress. Were you able to ‘turn them back on’ and process afterwards?”

 

“I think I’m still processing and I won’t be able to fully figure out everything I’m feeling until I know the outcome of the trial if that makes sense.”

 

“You need all of the information before you can decide how to move forward, that is perfectly acceptable. If that suggests that you would like to move on to something else, could you tell me about your experience with Lexa?”

 

“I don’t know what to say.” Clarke says slightly frustrated, things are back to being tentative between them since coming back. “She came home and I barely let her say a word before I kissed her and tried to t- tried to do more. All I could think about was what Finn said. That I could only keep someone around by sleeping with them.”

 

“What were you feeling when you kissed her?”

 

“I don’t know. It wasn’t how I normally feel when we kiss. But my mind was so full so I don’t know.”    


 

“Why did you then?”   


 

“I told you, I had Finn's words spinning around and part of me believed them so I wanted to make her stay.”   


 

“Even if that meant doing something you didn’t want, that you weren't ready for?”   


 

“Yes?” She says less confidently and more questioningly.    


 

“Why?”   


 

“I don’t know! That’s what he said would work and I got so used to not feeling whenever we did it that I thought I could do it again.”

 

This led to a series of questions-  _ “Why do you think you listened to him?” “Has Lexa ever made it seem as though she was unhappy or wanted a physical relationship?” “Are you happy with how things are between you?” “Have you had any thoughts about having a healthy sexual relationship?”  _ \- which kept getting more uncomfortable by the minute. Sometimes she really hated psychology. Though, with every question came an explanation that made her feel better and a new technique to try, so it wasn’t all for making her red in the face.

 

She left feeling slightly lighter, not thinking of the trial or things with her mother for the moment and deciding she wouldn’t for the rest of the day. Tonight would just be about her and Lexa, starting with making her girlfriends favorite meal for dinner.

 

When she got to the car, Clarke checked her phone before leaving. There were a few random texts from Octavia and Lexa, but there were also three from Raven.

 

 **baeRae-** _no how abby did it, im awesome i kno~ come_ _over will explain_

        - _ bring food _

        - _monty wants canollis_ _or whatever_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's never ending!   
> I'm trying to just glance over the trial, so unless you want more details -it's going to stay like that.   
> Also three people on tumblr wanted suggested the animal for a pet name so there you have it.  
> Let me know what you thought!


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets filled in  
> Then a little Clexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short but, it's the best cut off point. This is a transition chapter into the rest of the plot, so nothing significant really happens, but still.

With a box of chicken wings and parmesan potato wedges in one hand and a bag of cannolis in the other, Clarke has to use her foot to tap on the door in front of her. She hears slight arguing, most likely over who has to get up to open the door, before it swings open and she’s greeted by an annoyed looking Raven Reyes. That look quickly morphs to one of pure joy when she takes in the contents in Clarke’s hold.

“Oh my god I love you” She moans, snatching the box out of her hands and opening it to view the contents. Practically salivating, Raven doesn’t move from her spot in the doorway. At least until she receives a tap to the forehead, breaking her from her trance. “Oh hi, Clarke, come in”

Rolling her eyes, she steps past Raven and makes her way over to Monty who is much more verbal in his gratefulness towards her when she hands over the bag of cannolis. 

She waits a few minutes, letting them stuff their faces, before she asks the question that’s been bouncing through her head since she got the text. “So, what did you guys find out?”

Raven and Monty share a look, the former giving a little head nod to the latter. “You do the honors,” she says through a mouthful of food “I've got important matters to see to”

“Okay. Well, we knew right away that whoever she hired embedded a tracer into the account before it was wired over. What took so long was figuring out how to make it visible to decode it. You know what a zip file is, so this was basically a slightly more complicated version of it. After a while we could see it but we couldn't unzip it-”

“-skip to the end Montzarella” Raven interjects, waving a potato wedge in his direction.

Monty lets out a heavy sigh “anyways, after running it through different stripping software, we were able to see its transmission data and internal programming.”

“Okay…” She nods along, hoping that at some point she’ll actually get an answer.

“right, so it was set that when it entered your account, whoever was in control of it could see any transactions that took place within your account and since you did electronic checking for your paycheck that action was a beacon to the tracker. They could then follow that source and withdrawal money at set intervals. Which is how-” 

“-It could also stop your deposits, which is why before you stopped your card any payment you made, like electric bills for example would have been void.” 

“This is all good to know, but how exactly does that relate back to my mother?”

“Ah young grasshopper.” Raven says emphatically. “Everything has a source.” 

“I don't think she would make it that easy.”

“Oh, she didn't, like most burner phones the tracker bounced between four original locations, it’s port mapping at its finest. Whoever she hired was good. Anytime we thought we found the right IP the signal would disappear and the routing number changed.” 

“So, you didn't find it?” Honestly, she was more than a bit lost at this point.

“Let me finish.” Raven tsks. “I said they were good, but they aren't certifiably genius like Mont and me are. We found the guy she hired after Lexa let me into her system. Really, they should have stopped while they were ahead. It would have taken- who know how long, if they didn’t spread their resources so thin. Since Lexa had more encrypted fire walls they had to concentrate their sequencing on breaking through it, which means a whole loaf of bread instead of crumbs.” Raven concludes with a clap.

“What?”

“How are you not following? We found the guy Clarke, that’s what.”

“You did? Who is it?”

“A guy named Brian in Loma.”

“Wow that’s- but wait, how do you know my mother hired him?”

“We may or may not have taken a look into his financial records and traced certain payments back to Abby.” 

“You hacked him?”

Raven scoffs “You make it sound so-”

“And your mom” Monty adds.

“Raven!”

“What? This is all hearsay, right? I mean, how else were we supposed to prove it was her?”

“I don’t know, not by doing something that could get you in trouble and I don’t mean with the police.”

“Relax, like I said, geniuses remember?” Raven gestures between herself and Monty, trying to placate the situation. “We wiped any trace of us being there and covered everything else”

She’s about to continue scolding Raven, when her phone chiming interrupts her train of thought. She pulls it out of her pocket and there’s an instant smile on her face once she opens the message.

“What’s got you so smiley?” Raven asks, relieved to have a shift in conversation.

“Lexa sent me a picture of a dog that she saw outside the rec center.” She says, not looking away from the photo. “Look how cute she is.”

“Who? The dog or Lexa?” Raven jokes, earning a smack to the arm. “Hey! It’s a valid question.”

“The dog, Raven.” Clarke says with an eyeroll. “That’s the only thing in the picture.”

“You could have been talking about the fact that Lexa sends you things like that. Those aren’t the type of photos I’d be expecting from my girlfriend.” Raven says suggestively making Clarke’s face flush.

“Raven!”

“What? Am I wrong?”

“Yes. We are not- that is not- not even remotely. Gah, Raven, no just no. Don’t ruin the dog pictures for me with your…”

“My what?” Raven smirks, clearly enjoying flustering her friend.

“Just-” She stammers again. “You. You know what. The dog is cute and while Lexa is also cute that is not what is being discussed right now.”

“Oh come on Clarke, you never talk about it.”

“Yeah, well- Oh I just remembered I have somewhere else I have to be right now.” She hurriedly says, looking for her purse to make her escape.

“Oh do you really now? You’re going to play that card huh?” Raven jokingly taunts, following her around the apartment. “I’m not going to forget about it.”

“Well, I’m not going to forget about you hacking my mother.” She rebuts as she opens the door.

“It was for the greater good!” 

“It was reckless.”

She hears the thrown out ‘you’re welcome’ as the door shuts and shakes her head as she turns to leave.

\-------

“How was your day?” She asks Lexa a while later over dinner.

“Mm, uneventful really. Had a few classes and then filled out a bunch of paperwork. Oh!” Lexa perks up after seemingly remembering something. “The rec league posted the schedule today, so we have to start practicing.”

“Practicing for what?”

“The rec league basketball tournament. There’s one every year, all of the gyms around the city play against each other and raise money for the Boys and Girls Club of America. We came in second last year, but this year, this year we’re gonna win it.” Lexa says determinedly.

“Oh, wow, I didn’t know you did that. Does everyone at Grounders play?”

“No, not everyone. It’s not required or anything, but we always end up with like two team’s worth of people. You should come to some of the practices, that way you can meet more of the crew. I know sports aren’t really your thing but-” 

She places her hand over Lexa’s to stop the impending ramble. “I’d love to come.”

“Really? That would be great, but I don’t want to make it seem like you have to, it would just be nice to have you there.”

“I wouldn’t have said yes, if I didn’t want to go. I want to meet the people who make up a large part of your life and maybe learn something about basketball. Plus, if it’s important to you, it’s important to me.” She adds softly, and Lexa beams.

“Thank you, it’ll be a few weeks before we start, but I really appreciate that. Anyway, what about you, how was your day? How was Niylah?”

“It was...good.”

Lexa quirks her brow “Good? That’s it?”

“Well, yeah. I mean we talked about a lot of things and she explained why I did certain ...things. She also suggested that I extend my social circle.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like I know people, but I don’t know them. And like when I worked at the bakery I talked to Monroe and Luna and got to know some customers and stuff. But now I basically only have you, O, and Raven. Not that that’s a bad thing!” She quickly clarifies. “She said it wasn’t, she just wants to make sure I don’t hole myself up, well she said it more eloquently than that but you get the picture. She also recommended some groups I can go to if I want, that have other people, like me, that I could talk to.”

“Is that something you want?”

Shrugging she simply answers, “I don’t think I’ll know unless I try it.”

“It sounds like it could be a good idea, but whatever you decide, I’ll support you one hundred percent.” 

She smiles and leans over the table to give Lexa a quick but thankful and lingering kiss. They continue eating, occasionally interrupted by jokes or compliments, before they both make their way to the kitchen to do the dishes.

“Oh, I almost forgot, I went over to Monty’s today. He and Raven figured out my account stuff and linked it to my mother.”

“Clarke, that’s great! Does this mean you can unfreeze it?”

“Um, I didn’t ask but probably. Maybe. I think I’ll wait until it’s all over. I still have enough cash. But, um, I didn’t know you let them have access to your accounts.”

“Yeah, I figured it would help them and no more harm could come from it since there was already one hacker there.” Lexa jokes.

“Are you sure? Have you checked to make sure everything is still the same? You never know with Raven.” She jests.

“If the circumstances were different I wouldn’t put it past her, but I think I’m safe for now. I might have a few codes changed or something just in case though.”

“Probably for the best” She laughs before turning towards the brunette. “Seriously, thank you though. You didn’t have to do that.”

Lexa loops her arms around Clarke’s neck, bringing them closer together. “I told you, I’m with you one hundred percent.”

“Well, I think I know how to stop this for good.” She sighs, putting her hands on Lexa’s hips.

“Do tell.”

“I have to go back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! I love hearing from you xx
> 
> I'm already writing the next chapter and hoping to have it up soon. I just finished moving, but school starts monday so I don't know how my posting will be- probably inconsistent per usual (sorry)


	25. Chapter 25

“Are you sure?” Lexa tentatively asks, moving out of their hold.

“It’s the only way I can think of, not to sound dramatic or anything but, confronting her head on.” She says, walking to the living room with Lexa close behind.

“Didn’t you already do that here though?”

“That was different, I didn’t have time to prepare. And it didn't actually do anything. I need to show her I mean business or whatever the phrase is. Plus, I’m in a different head space now, so it'll work.” She says with more confidence than she thought she had.

“Okay. I'm coming with you.”

“I won't ask you to do that.” She says shaking her head.

“You're not.”

“You have work” Clarke points out.

“I’m co-owner, I can give myself a few more vacation days.” Lexa says like it’s no big deal.

“You’ve taken enough vacation days for me already. Besides, I have to do this by myself.” She says resolutely.

“That’s just it though, you don’t have to. You have nothing to prove to her. I don't have to go to anything else with you or see her, I just want to be there. If you really don't want me to come, I won't but, I would like to be there if you let me.”

Her resolve crumbles slightly at the sincerity of Lexa’s words and the look in her girlfriend’s eyes. That and no matter what she tells herself, it would be good to have someone there. “Okay.”

“Okay, so when are you thinking of going?”

“Well, I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far.” She says, furrowing her brow in thought. “Obviously I need to wait and see what comes of the trial tomorrow and actually come up with a plan, but at the same time, I just want this over with.”

“And it will be. Nothing has to be decided right now, we can think more about it after tomorrow is over. One thing at a time yeah?”

“You’re right, can we just watch something tonight? I feel like I’ve done enough thinking today.”

“There’s a new season of British baking show on Netflix?”

“Perfect.”

\------

Thursday comes with a marathons worth of pacing and by noon she’s regretting not taking up Lexa’s offer of going in to Grounders with her.

Staring at her phone, waiting for news from Anya, only seems to make time slow down. The trial hasn’t even started yet and she’s anxious. So, not wanting to let her nerves get the better of her, she packs her bag with lunch for herself and Lexa and drives to the rec center.

“Hey, Clarke.” The receptionist greets her as soon as she walks in. She only remembers meeting him once, he’s a new hire and a student at the local community college which means their schedules didn’t often line up, so it surprises her that he remembers her.

“Afternoon, Dustin. Is Lexa busy?” She asks, not wanting to seem rude, but also not truly in the mood for small talk and pleasantries.

“No, I think she just finished her session so she should be in her office.”

“Great, thanks, I’m just goi-”

“Can I ask you a question?” He interrupts and she internally sighs.

“Shoot.”

“Does this jacket make me look like a homosexual?” He asks looking down at his attire, a blue and black fitness jacket, sticking his thumbs through the allotted holes. Slightly thrown by the question she takes a look at her own outfit, noting the same jacket just in a purple and grey color scheme.

“Um no, no it doesn’t. Besides, I’m pretty sure it’s unisex.” She offers.

“Oh, but I’m only in to chicks.” Comes his confused response.

“What? No, like anyone can wear it.” She furrows her brow, wondering why she let herself get roped into this conversation.

“Yeah, but I don’t think of dudes like that.”

“Okay,” she drags out, trying to think of a way out. “Well, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but if you’d excuse me, I’m going to go find Lexa now.” She says, how original, and quickly makes her escape down the employee hallway.

Lexa is so engrossed in paperwork, that she doesn’t notice Clarke slide into her office. So, being the considerate girlfriend that she is, Clarke decides to sneak up on her. Setting her bag softly down by the door, she tiptoed stealthily behind Lexa. Just as she was about to put her hands over the brunettes’ eyes, the chair spins around, effectively startling Clarke.

Lexa grins up at her. “If you want to scare me, don’t bring such delicious smelling food with you. Dead give away.” Maneuvering Clarke to sit on the desk, Lexa walks over and grabs the bag of food before coming back and greeting the pouting blonde with a kiss, essentially ridding her of said pout. “Decided to come by after all?”

She shrugs, “I got restless at home.”

“Oh, so you didn’t just miss me too much?” Lexa mocks hurt, causing Clarke to scoff.

“It’s only been three hours.”

“And yet, here I was missing you.” Lexa says, leaning up to kiss her again.

“God, you can be really sappy sometimes.”

“You bring out the worst in me I guess. Speaking of bringing me things.” Lexa says, shifting her gaze to the bag on the desk. “What’d you bring me?”

“Grilled chicken panini and some veggies.” She says, opening the bag and pulling out it’s contents.

“Mm thank you.” Lexa says before digging in. “Have you ever thought about opening up your own shop?” She asks after finishing half of her sandwich.

“My own...no, I haven’t.” She pauses. “That’s never crossed my mind.”

“Hm, well maybe it should.” Lexa shrugs.

“I don’t think so, a lot goes into that and I don’t have a business degree or a culinary one for that matter, let alone the skills required for it.”

“You’re selling yourself short, you-.”

“I literally don’t have any of that though and I’m pretty sure you need at least one to do it.” She points out.

“I’m just saying, if that was something you were interested in doing then it’s possible. You could always get a degree or two for that matter.”

“Yeah, because school is so cheap.” She rolls her eyes.

“All you’d need is an associate's.” Lexa says like it’s no big deal.

“Again, that’s still school, which costs money, which I don’t have.”

“I could always-”

“No. I’m not taking any more of your money. ” She shakes her head adamantly

“Think of it as an investment.” Lexa tries.

“I’m not even doing it, I hadn’t even thought about it until you just brought it up.”

“And I’m not saying you have to, I’m just saying it’s always a possibility if you were interested.”

Before she can dispute further, her phone rings. She freezes for a moment when she sees it’s Anya, but she answers before it goes to voice mail, making sure to put it on speaker.

“Is it over already?” She asks even though she knows the answer.

“No, we’re in recess. I thought you would appreciate an update though.”

“I don’t know, would I?”

“It’s going well, Clarke. Better than I could have hoped for. The defense doesn’t know the difference between their mouth and anus and has managed to dredge a deeper hole for themselves. They even tried to pull the mental disorder defense.”

“What?” Anger is starting to bubble up and she doesn’t want to place it on Anya, but she honestly can’t believe what she just heard. “How can he say that? How can he blame-”

“The judge is not falling for it, neither are the jurors from what I can tell. It’s a last ditch effort, they tried to make work. Which it won’t. I’m confident we have this.”

“I won’t be called in?”

“No, from where it stands at the moment this is a pretty cut and dry case. I would be surprised if it lasts more than another two hours. It shouldn’t take long for the jurors long to deliberate.” Anya says assuredly.

“Okay, okay, that’s good.”

“It is. They are about to call us back in, I will let you know of the outcome as soon as it’s over.” And in the Anya like fashion she’s come to know, the line goes dead before she could get another word, let alone a goodbye in.

“How do you feel?” Lexa asks, breaking her from her one sided staring contest with her phone.

“Weird. It’s a lot. Like I’m mad that they would even think about using that plea, but then like Anya said, that means they didn’t have a good case. So that’s a little reassuring I guess. But honestly, I’m just really glad that this is going to be over. I need this to be over.” She sighs out and feels arms wrap around her.

“And it will be.” Lexa says kissing her shoulder. “And he’ll be gone and won’t be able to bother you anymore. And I am so proud of you.”

“I didn’t do anything.” She tries to brush it off and the grip around her tightens.

“Yes, you did and you know it. Deny it as much as you want, but you can’t stop me from feeling it.”

Knowing better than to argue over it, she accepts it and settles back into Lexa’s hold.

\------

The next call comes a few hours later, when she was home prepping dinner. Shaky hands took the call, but hearing the smile in Anya’s voice quickly quelled her nerves.

It was over.

Finn had been sentenced to seven years without bailout or the option of parole. She was free of him. He wouldn’t be able to get to her anymore. It was over. She couldn’t even process the influx of emotions, only the one that stuck out the most, elation.

By the time she put the chicken marsala in the oven, Lexa was walking through the door. Clarke ran to greet her, expressing her mood in the only way she could at the moment- grabbing Lexa’s face and kissing her hard hoping to portray all of her emotions through it. The brunette’s lips only took a moment to respond, before it was absolute bliss of lips moving against lips. But then Lexa’s mind seemed to catch up and she pulled back, reminded of a situation similar to the one they were in.

“Woah, what was that for?” The brunette asks breathlessly.

“It’s over.” She grins and misses the shock on Lexa’s face.

“What?” Not hearing the response or the tone she expected, she runs through her words again and realises all the ways that could be interpreted.

“The trial, it’s over, and he got seven years. And I’m really happy right now and I wanted to celebrate and that meant kissing you and I would like to keep doing that.” She pauses. “If, if you want to, too.” Realising, again, that she needs to work on her emotion to cognitive responses, but at the same time she reasons, this is different.

The only response she gets, is soft lips pressed to hers. Slightly awkward at first since they’re both grinning, but they fall into an easy give and take.

\------

The following week was spent planning. Planning the trip. Planning what she’s going to say. Planning the best course of action. 

She had a session with Niylah, which helped organise her talking points and lowered her anxiety level. She was given different mechanisms to work through any negative thing her mother might say, so everything. She told Octavia and Raven what she was going to do and asked them to look after Bear while they were gone. She booked their flights and found a hotel outside of the city so she wouldn’t run into her mother beforehand. Everything was checked off her list and all in all she was feeling pretty confident, or at least her confidence overshadowed everything else.

And so, early on Friday morning, Clarke and Lexa made their way through airport security, then promptly found their terminal. The only thing that was left to do was wait another hour before they could board the plane. 

Wanting to walk around before being trapped in a metal cylinder, Lexa left to grab snacks, leaving Clarke to get immersed in her current sketch of an elderly couple seated across from her. She had been drawing a lot more lately, with all of the free time she had, and it was finally something she could fully enjoy again. Just as she was focusing on their clasped hands, she was shaken from her concentration by the sound of familiar voices. 

“Look who I found.” Lexa says, sounding less amused than she looks. Clarke glances over, slightly wide eyed, to the two grinning faces next to her girlfriend, not knowing what to make of the situation and apparently at a loss for words, she quirks her brow for an explanation.

“You didn’t think we’d let you go without us, did you?” Raven asks rhetorically.

“Didn’t think you would just show up at the airport either, and yet.” Lexa mutters in response.

“Wait, what? What are you doing here? Who’s taking care of Bear?” Clarke finally speaks.

“Lincoln is. And like Rae said, we’re coming with you.” Octavia chimes in.

“Wait,” Lexa says, turning her attention to Octavia. “does that mean Lincoln is the only one running the rec now? You’re supposed to be taking over for me.”

“No, I wouldn't just leave like that. I called Anya and Dustin is gonna help out more, plus the regular crew. So really there's nothing to worry about.”

“Anya has no experience.” Lexa deadpans.

“She’s intimidating though and bullshitting is in her profession, it’ll be fine.” Octavia waves off, but the gears are still turning in Lexa’s head, processing the new information.

“And hold up, Dustin? Front desk Dustin who only greets people and cleans the equipment and doesn't know the difference between a barbell and a dumbbell or triceps and biceps? You put my baby in the hands of that Dustin?” Lexa’s dumbstruck expression and exasperated voice would have been comical, if Clarke wasn't so confused at the turn of events and unexpected appearances.

“Relax, it’ll be fine. Nothing big is going on this week and besides, Anya does know self defense, I’m sure she can handle those classes and Dustin is only picking up a few more secretarial jobs, nothing huge, I’m not an idiot.” Octavia scoffs, crossing her arms “And, Thomas is going to work a few extra hours and Hannah is going to fill in where needed. Nothing else changed.” 

Lexa seems to accept this explanation, nodding before taking her seat beside Clarke.

“How did you know what flight we were taking?” Clarke asks, trying to remember if she had mentioned it, she hadn't. “I only told you we were leaving today.” 

“You really should come up with a more difficult password for your email.” Raven answers smugly and sits down on the opposite side of her.

“Raven!”

Her scolding only earns a shrug. “Hey at least I didn’t hack the airline for the passenger listings.” Raven says like it redeems anything. "So, what's the plan?"


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're inconsistent and you know it clap your hands *clap**clap*  
> If you're still with me, thank you so much for sticking around and for the comments and kudos', they truly mean a lot to me- in fact one from Kryptons_Lesbian is why this chapter is here.  
> Anyway, hopefully this extra long (and probably poorly written) chapter full of everything will make up for it and keep an eye out because the next one isn't too far off!

“How on earth did you manage to get the seats right behind us? It’s a full plane.” She asks as she watches Raven slide into said row followed by Octavia.

 

“I just go where I’m told, Clarke. Only here for support.” Octavia shrugs, putting in her earbuds effectively pulling herself out of the conversation. Clarke turns her gaze to Raven who also offers a shrug.

 

“I have my ways”

 

“Oh trust me, I know.” She mutters to herself. “Can you just like, not be yourself for the next six hours? I just want to have an uneventful flight and I’m not talking about turbulence.”

 

“I do not like what you are insinuating.” Raven says with narrowed eyes.

 

“It’s not an insinuation, I’ve flown with you before, and I would like to be able to use this airline again.” Clarke says, staring her friend down.

 

Raven’s defensive position turns into one of defeat as she sulks in her seat. It doesn’t last long, only until noticing the TV screens and she immediately starts to mess with it.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes and turns back around just as Lexa finishes putting their carry-on luggage in stowaway and takes the seat next to her, quickly buckling the seat belt. She takes note of the white knuckle grip her girlfriend has on the armrest and gently pries the stiff fingers away and links them with her own, drawing the brunettes attention.

 

“If you’re afraid of flying why did you insist on coming?”

 

“I’m not-” The pointed look she receives, causes Lexa to sigh. “It’s not that bad, it’s only take-off and landing. And, it’ll be fine, this is important.” Lexa squeezes her fingers in reassurance, though for who she didn’t quite know.

 

\------

 

“I don’t understand this whole ‘love is weakness’ trope all of these shows have going on, it’s getting old. Also, Aurora and Mulan have undeniable chemistry and they ignored it, I’m still not sure who I want Emma with yet.” Raven starts ranting as soon as they’re off the plane. The flight had gone smoothly, Lexa still held Clarke’s hand for the entirety of it- just incase- and Raven and Octavia mostly stayed within their seat limits, only occasionally leaning over during bouts of boredom to ask random questions or non-discreetly whisper something about a fellow passenger. The worst probably being - _"did you see she's from Chicago? Everyone from there is so Illinoying, get it?...hey don't look at me like that, we used to be called Calihornyans...no...fine act like you don't know me"_ At least they were still allowed to use the airline.

 

After passing through the no turn back area, the four of them were walking towards the exit, when Raven and Octavia pause, turning towards Clarke and Lexa. “Don’t you guys need to get your bags?”

 

“Um no, we have everything right here.” Clarke says, gesturing to the two bags at their sides. “Did you really pack more than what you have there?” Her friends look at their own luggage then back up at her. She should have known, they were never ones to pack light when they traveled before, why would this time be any different? “Okay, Lex and I are going to go check into our hotel.” She starts, wanting to have a little down time, just the two of them. No matter how much she loves and appreciates her friends, sometimes she just needs a little space to decompress. “Are you guys staying at your mom’s, O, or?” She has to stop herself from rolling her eyes at Raven’s sheepish look, but she can’t suppress her sigh. Of course they’ll be staying at the same place, if Raven looked into her flight, what was stopping her from looking up her hotel confirmation. “Alright, I guess we’ll wait and share a cab then.” She resigns.

 

Thankfully, the ride is short, and they’re checked into their rooms in less than an hour after their arrival. They were of course on the same floor, but with Clarke opting to take the stairs and Raven the elevator, she was given a few minutes to breathe.

 

They don’t have any plans for the night, opting to just order pizza and watch crappy TV, saving all of the heavy stuff for the following day. Around midnight, Raven and Octavia are roused from their spots on the end of the bed, because no one wants to share a double bed with three other people, at least not if they want a decent night’s sleep.

 

When Clarke comes out of the bathroom after getting ready for bed, she sees Lexa is already half passed out in the bed, hair sprawled out over the pillows. When she walks over and lifts the comforter, Lexa shifts to her side and opens her arms. With a small smile and whorl of butterflies, Clarke crawls into the bed and curls up in front of Lexa. Her rest may be fitful, but every time she wakes, the feeling of the warm body beside her lulls her back to sleep.   

 

Morning came quicker than expected, waking them with harsh light through the thin drapes that don’t close all the way. Clarke squints awake, while Lexa just groaned and rolled over, burying her face in the pillow. Knowing she won’t be getting anymore sleep, Clarke untangled her legs from the sheets and climbs out of bed. A spine popping stretch later, she pads over to her suitcase and begins sifting through it and after a moment Clarke lets out a small laugh. What should she wear when she cuts ties with her mother? Is there a handbook for it outlining the dos and don’ts?  It’s trivial really, shouldn’t even matter, but it’s still significant. Shouldn’t that merit dressing a certain way? No, she shakes her head at her nonsense thoughts and picks out a comfortable, yet still presentable, outfit.

 

Letting out a sigh, she pauses her actions to look out the window. That seems like something people do when they contemplate the larger things in life, but the parking lot offers little solace.

 

Today is the day. It has to be. And she has a plan. Sort of. She’s going to show up in her mother’s office- sure that’s not the most ideal place, but she decided that it was better to have the so-called element of surprise on her side than calling ahead to meet somewhere- therefore not giving her mother time to prepare.

 

She thought about going to the house, but realised with all of the memories it holds, it would be worse for her to remain calm and it would give her mother the upper hand, and well, it’s less public.

 

The logistics of everything else were already sorted out, or at least were in the process. Raven had disabled the tracer after it was found, but Clarke decided to play it safer and switched banks entirely, new account, new credit card, more fraud protection and security, no chance of her mother getting to it. Lexa had done similar, springing for more encrypted firewalls, as well as changing any information that had been accessed by the security hack. Now they didn’t have any information out in the open to be used against them later. That was as far as the planning went though, she had no idea what she was actually going to say once it came down to it. Hopefully, she’s good at thinking on her feet. Who is she trying to kid with that thought?    

 

Thinking it was best to eat a light meal to try and quell her rolling stomach, Clarke goes down to the complimentary breakfast and to grab some bagels and fruits to bring back to the room. When she gets back, Lexa’s still in the same position she left her in, maybe slightly more burrowed. Deciding the light hearted moments may be few and far between this trip, Clarke sets the plate of food down on the desk, walks around the bed and jumps on the pile of blankets and limbs. It elicits a loud groan from under a pillow, but Lexa doesn’t otherwise move.

 

“It’s time to get up” She says with a small chuckle as she cards her fingers through the sleep mussed hair.

 

“Hard to do with someone on top of you.” comes the muffled response and Clarke rolls off of the brunette and waits, but there’s still no movement.

 

“Lexa.” She goads, dragging out the name and poking the lump of sheets.

 

“Sleeping.”

 

“You’re talking.” She says as she tries to pull the covers down, but her girlfriend has a vice grip on them and they don’t budge.

 

“Mm’not.”

 

“What was it you and Aden have? Tickle guns?” She tempts.

 

“Not ticklish.” Lexa mumbles and Clarke sighs, flopping on her back.

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

“No”

 

“Don’t make me call Raven and Octavia.” She jokingly threatens, but it has its desired effect as Lexa throws the covers down and slowly sits up with a glare, though it’s not very threatening with the sleep filled eyes and unruly bed head. Clarke suppresses a laugh, leans in to give a quick peck on the brunette’s lips, and stands from the bed. “Get dressed and eat your breakfast, I’m going to see if the terrible two are awake.” She walks out of the room, barely able to hear the ‘bossy’ thrown out at her, and knocks on the door across the hall.

 

\------

 

They spent most of the morning showing Lexa places where they used to hang out outside the city. Partially to bide time, but mostly to keep Clarke distracted and for a while, it works. Up until they decide to go to lunch and she can’t even stomach the idea of food, feeling more and more anxious the closer she gets to seeing her mother.

 

There’s a diner down the street from the hospital that she grew up going to and she’s hoping that, even without eating, it’ll provide her a little comfort.

 

“Man, I didn’t realise how much I missed this place until I smelled the grease and old vinyl.” Raven says while sliding into the booth.

 

“Seriously, heart attack with a side of fries, nothing better.” Octavia agrees, not even needing to look at a menu.

 

Clarke smiles at their antics, nuzzling further into Lexa’s side as she listens to the easy banter. There is still a sinking feeling in her stomach, but she’s hoping that after they talk through what she’s going to do, it’ll dissipate some.

 

She takes a look around the diner, noting the slight renovations, but it’s still the place she’d come to after school to wait for one of her parents to be done with work. The far wall is still covered in old Fenders and records. The register still ticks every third entry. There’s still a nurse seated at the counter eyeing her. There’s still a dent in the ceiling from when the coffee maker backfired. Hold up. No, that’s not the same- the nurse not the dent. Clarke whips her head back and tries to push herself further into the booth in a futile attempt at not being seen.

 

When she sees the woman place money on the counter before leaving, Clarke’s internal panic causes her to shoot out of her seat. She barely registers the jolt of pain in her knee from smacking the table or the weird looks she’s getting from the other patrons or even her friends. She can only focus on one thing.

 

“Change of plans, I’m going now.” She blurts as she tries to climb over Lexa to leave.

 

“What, the food hasn’t even come yet!” Raven exclaims.

 

“You don’t have to come. But I need to leave.” Clarke says, finally managing to escape the booth.

 

“What happened?” Lexa asks as she stands up next to her, placing a hand on Clarke’s shoulder to gain her focus.

 

“A nurse that works with my mom just saw me and I know she’ll tell her, so I need to get there first.”

 

“But we we’re going to go over what you’re going to say. I know Niylah and you went over some, but Abby isn’t going to stick to script” Octavia points out.

 

“I know that, but I can’t chance her finding me first.”

 

“So you’re just going to wing it?” Raven asks.

 

“I guess”

 

\-----

 

The walk to the hospital is silent and tense. And just like every ominous story, the weather seems to agree because the clouds are turning grey with a distant rumble.

 

To make matters worse, when they get to her mother’s office, she’s not there.

 

Anxious and agitated Clarke can’t wait any longer. She grabs the closest hand and starts to pull the attached body down the hall. “O and I are going to go check the lounge and maybe an on call room.”

 

“What, you’re leaving? Why don’t we all go?” Lexa asks with a slightly confused frown.

 

“She should have been here by now, according to the board we passed on our way here, her last surgery ended almost two hours ago.”

 

“Maybe she got called into another?”

 

“Maybe, but I still want to go look and you two should stay here because four people looking around is suspicious.”

 

“We could go, that way you could be here if she comes.” Raven suggests.

 

“No, I don’t want you guys to have to explain or deal with her, besides we’ll be going her route we’d pass her before that’d happen.”

 

****

 

That left Raven and Lexa awkwardly leaning against the wall of the hallway. Sure, they knew each other from the times Raven came to visit Octavia, and now even more through Clarke, but they weren’t the closest.

 

Raven clears her throat before breaking the silence. “So, uh, what are you getting Clarke for Christmas?” She asks and only gets a ‘ _seriously_ ’ look. “Hey! This is out of my usual comfort zone, give me something.”

 

“I’m not sure yet.”

 

“Mm, what about a necklace?”

 

“I feel like that’s kinda generic, plus she doesn’t like the feeling of things touching her neck like that.”

 

“What? Since when?”

 

“As long as I’ve known her.” Lexa shrugs, but she has a pretty good notion of why. “I have an idea, I just need to figure out logistics. I have plenty of time though I-.” She pauses as they hear foot steps coming from around the corner. It’s only one set and it’s from the opposite direction that Clarke and Octavia went, but Lexa still straightens her posture.

 

The woman of the hour appears, eyes glued to the tablet in her hands. “Abby” Lexa says curtly, gaining the older woman's attention. A brief glimmer of confusion flickers across the older woman’s face before it becomes impassive.

 

“Ah, my daughter’s mouthy friend. Are you still trying to fit into shoes much too big for you? Come to lay more empty threats?” Abby chuckles dismissively, opening the door to her office. Lexa and Raven don’t wait for the invite they know they won’t get, sliding through the doorway behind her.

 

“I’m her girlfriend actually.” Lexa corrects before shaking her head to get back on track, that is _so_ not the point, but it was the detail she fixated on the most. But Abby, whose face is now morphed into one of absolute displeasure, is quick to respond.

 

“She's back to that is she?” Abby scoffs in disgust “Pity, it's always such a waste of a woman … or _women_ I suppose when they make that mistake. But my daughter has always been one to disappoint so I cannot say that I am surprised.” She moves, to sort through some files on her desk, like they aren’t even there, and she didn’t just offend them.

 

Raven has to grab Lexa’s arm when she sees the brunette tense and look on the verge of pouncing on Abby. They so didn’t need a lawsuit on their hands right now.

 

“It's funny how I used to have so much admiration and respect for you.” Raven says to give Lexa time to reel herself back “I don't know how I was so blind.”

 

“My daughter is blinding you now with all of her narratives. You should respect me. I am a hardworking woman, who rose to the top of the medical field, bar all prejudice, on my own. I earned it, worked harder than every man in order to get where I am. You should aspire to be _me_.” Abby proclaims. “You wouldn't be able to walk without _me._ Or did you forget that?”

 

“I could have gone anywhere, but I thought you were family.” Raven’s voice wavers slightly, but her stance remains steady.

 

“Do not act ungrateful. I saved you. While all you and the Blake girl ever did was fill my daughter's head with fantasies.”  

 

“We supported her dreams, unlike someone”

 

“Dreams are not reality, they do not come true and they certainly do not make money. I had a path of success laid out for her and you bulldozed it.” Abby seethes, face inches away from Raven’s.

 

“I would have been fine if she followed your footsteps, as long as that was what she wanted!”

 

“She does not know what she wants, or what she wanted. She does not know what is best for her. _I_ do. That Is the point of having a child, to give them the perfect life.”

 

“What was perfect about it?”

 

“She could have had everything, money, power, knowledge-”

 

“At the cost of her happiness?”

 

“That comes with it.”

 

“Really? It does? Living someone else's life, being miserable, that would have made her happy? And what, the beatings were just for shits and giggles too?” Lexa sees Ravens composure crumbling and steps closer.

 

“A little direction here and there is hardly a crime.” Abby’s blasé response is what does it. Only this time, Lexa is the one holding Raven back.

 

“You do not want to start something that would not end well for you Miss Reyes.”

 

“I don't think-”

 

“What is going on in here?” The three of them turn to the new voice in the room.

 

“Clarke, I would ask if you had finally come to your senses and come home, but it appears I have my answer in the form of these incautious girls in my office.”

 

Clarke brushes past the underhanded insult and moves further into the room. “I have come to my senses actually.” She says and thinks she sees a flicker of triumph in her mother’s eyes.

 

“In that case I will set up a meeting with the board, you will have to work overtime to get back on track and-

 

“I said I came to _my_ senses not yours. I’m not moving back here.”

 

“Oh? Then why are you here?”

 

“You put a tracker into my account when you transferred the money. You got me fired from my job.” She cuts right to it.

 

“Honestly darling, I do not know where you come up with tales. I did nothing of the sort.”

 

“You did! And I don’t understand why. Did you think I would come back to you? I know how to live life off of hardly anything, I did that for over a year. Luckily this time I didn’t have to.”

 

“Ah yes,” Abby starts with disdain, passing a quick glare at Lexa. “Your _friend_ informed me of that.”

 

“Lexa has been nothing but supportive of me, but she also has nothing to do with this.” She says gesturing between the two of them.

 

“Oh on the contrary, I think she is more involved than anyone. She did, after all, blatantly flaunt her name in a ruse to intimidate me. And, you are living together are you not and if I surmise, she is more than likely footing your bill. How is she not a part of this?”

  

“She did what any sane person would do. I couldn’t use my credit card without thinking I was going to be arrested or something.”

 

“That never would have happened.” Abby dismisses.

 

“How do you know if you weren’t involved? I don’t know what it was capable of, it lost me my job, for all I know it could have been some large scale setup you had to make me lose everything.”

 

“Why on earth, would you deduce such an improbable scenario?”

 

“Well, if it wasn’t you, what other reason could it be?”

 

“Technology, while advantageous, is fickle. Information is stolen every day, this does not make you special.” Her mother explains.

 

“But that tracer could only be put in from a direct source and I sure as heck didn’t do this to myself. Which only leaves you.” Clarke points out, getting tired of being dismissed.

 

“It pains me that you think this, honestly darling I only want what’s in your best interest. I could have an associate get in contact with you to have it removed.”

 

“No need for that, it’s been taken care of.”

 

“Oh? Was Raven responsible for that?” Abby asks, looking towards the girl in question.

 

“I went to the bank, they handled it well.” Clarke says, if her mother isn’t going to be truthful neither is she.

 

“Hm, well if you would excuse me, I have a conference in ten minutes. I would say it was lovely, but having false accusations thrown at me is not something I am fond of. You know where I will be when your head clears.”

 

“Wait-” But Abby is already out the door. Leaving Clarke with everything she was meant to say at the tip of her tongue, but without the audience it didn’t matter. How had that happened, she let her mother loop her into a nonsensical conversation, to what, bide time? This was not how she imagined this going. Now, she was flustered and had to see her mother again. Only this time, it wouldn’t be on her terms and her mother would have time to concoct something else. How had this gone so wrong?

\----- 

Not knowing where to go from there, Lexa and Clarke go back to the hotel while Raven and Octavia go to pick up previously skipped over food.

 

“Clarke, we’ll figure this out.” Lexa says for probably the fifth time since they’ve gotten back. Watching the blonde wear a hole in the carpet for the last twenty minutes has made her feel more helpless than she did before.

 

“I don’t see how. I have nothing. She knows I’m here, I can’t legally link her to anything, no one would believe anything I had to say against her anyway, I have no proof, I have nothing.” She says, continuing her limited pacing.

 

“We’ll think of something, we’ll find something. I don’t know what, but we-”

 

“Why do you keep saying we? You have nothing to do with this.” She says harshly and she’d feel bad about it- definitely will later- but she can’t add guilt to her swarm of emotions right now. “This is my problem.”

 

To Lexa’s credit, there’s only a brief roll of her jaw before she’s composed again, standing from her position on the bed but not moving towards Clarke. And if Lexa wanted to be snide, she would say something along the lines of Abby thinking differently, but she doesn’t.

 

“You’re right, it doesn’t have anything to do with me.” Lexa starts and Clarke narrows her eyes knowing that wasn’t all. “But it is my ‘ _problem’_ too, because it’s hurting you and that hurts me. And I will do whatever I can to make it stop.”

 

“I don't need someone fighting my battles for me.” Comes Clarke’s stubborn, but slightly weaker response.

 

Lexa sighs, moving around the bed. “That's not what I'm trying to do.”

 

“Oh really, then what is it?” Clarke raises an eyebrow, folding her arms so she doesn’t reach out to the brunette.

 

“Support you” Lexa says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, which to some- or most- it might be, but that’s a foreign concept to Clarke. She let’s her frustrations out in a heavy exhale and sits on the edge of the bed.

 

“I’m not used to this” She mumbles after a few minutes of silence, rubbing her hands over her face.

 

“What?” she feels a dip in the mattress next to her following the response but doesn’t look up, taking a moment to formulate an answer.

 

“Someone actually caring, it’s new. I mean, at first it was just my dad and- and I know I’ve had Octavia and Raven, but I kept them in the dark for so long I- it’s just been me looking out for myself and I know I haven’t done the best job at that and-”

 

“You did the best you could with what you had and you’re still doing your best. You are so strong, Clarke, I admire you so much. And this is going to be over soon, look at where we are right now, you’re this much closer to what you want and deserve, and you did that. And you can keep doing it by yourself, but you don’t have to. We can do it together and that won’t make you any less strong, it will make you-”

 

“We found some guys.” Raven shouts excitedly as she barges through the door.

 

“What?” Lexa asks, slightly annoyed at the intrusion. “Guys for what?”

 

“The ones Abby set Clarke up with.” Raven says like that was the only explanation.

 

“What?” Clarke finally breaks out of her mini stupor. “How did you find them?”

 

“I looked through old correspondences, email was such a great invention.”

“You can’t keep doing that.” Clarke says in a slightly scolding tone and Raven furrows her brow.

 

“What?”

 

“Invading people’s privacy like that.”

 

“It was just Abby’s and it only pointed me in their direction, I didn’t look into their stuff.” Raven folds her arms, clearly not expecting the conversation to go this way.”

 

“It wasn’t just her though, it was that Brian guy and-”

 

“Well yeah, but that was part of the puzzle, I did that for you.”

 

“And I appreciate everything that you’ve done, but the hacking people has to stop.”

“They never know and it’s a good way to find out wha-”

 

“Just because you can or it’s easy doesn’t mean it’s right and you should.”

 

“But-”

 

“You could have asked me when my flight was, but you didn’t” Raven looks like she want to say something, but Clarke holds up her hand “I know you were probably thinking that you wanted to surprise us or whatever, but there are other ways to find that out than going through my email.”

“That’s what this is about? I didn’t see anything else, I only opened the two links.”

 

“That’s beside the point. You still, without my permission, went through my things. Now, I could go on about not being ‘allowed’ to have any privacy when I was with Finn and how this ‘insignificant’ thing still makes me feel violated. But it shouldn’t matter what I went through, because no matter what way you look at it, it’s wrong. Not to mention illegal.”

 

“You never had a problem with it before.”

 

“I was a teenager and there was a thrill involved.”

 

“You weren’t the other week when I figured out the tracker.” Raven points out.

 

“I also gave you my permission. And I’ve thought about it more and even that was wrong, we both know it. Just Like I know, you know I’m right and you hate being wrong and feeling chastised, which I’m not doing or at least trying to do. I appreciate what you’ve done but it has to stop.” Clarke says gently, trying to get Raven to look at her.

 

It takes a few minutes before shoulders sag and her friend meets her eyes. “You’re right” She sighs out. “I’m sorry. I didn’t really think of it like that or in any way besides it being something I could do.”

 

“It’s okay, I also just don’t want you to get in trouble for it.” She says as she hugs Raven.

 

“They’d never catch me.” Raven jests, relaxing into the embrace. “We can still use it to your advantage though.”

 

Clarke pulls back with a look of disbelief, did Raven not hear what she just said? “We aren’t dragging anyone into this.”

 

“And we don’t have to.” Receiving three questioning looks she continues, “just hear me out, okay? We don’t have to go to them or even say we did, even if you don't know their names, Abby doesn’t have to know that.”

 

“What?”

 

“Let’s say Clarke remembers them all and they told her everything that Abby promised them, it's a bluff.”

 

“What’s the point of that?” Octavia asks.

 

“Ammunition, a way to bring her down. Her reputation means everything to her. Threaten that and she'll do anything to keep it.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What'd you think?  
> I wanted to get it all out of the way and one with in one chapter, but obviously that didn't happen...hopefully that made up some for my absence though, I'll try not to be gone for so long in the future. End of drama in the next one...finally   
> If there's something you want to see, let me know!  
> xx
> 
> also if you need a new fic, check out pladicus' works


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~5k words of "conversation"
> 
> not exactly what I planned, but it is what it is. Yell at me if you want.   
> Finally the last of the emotional (in a bad way) chapters  
> Enjoy? is that something I can say for this?   
> Thanks for reading xx

As the cab pulled up to the house, the brick in her stomach sat a little heavier. It was just as was the last time she was there, the only thing changed was her and for some reason that brought up an unpleasant feeling. A squeeze to her hand drew her attention away from the window and to the other passenger in the car. She looks at Lexa, who gives her a subtle nod conveying reassurance and a question all in one. An answering squeeze is all she can manage before they pay and climb out of the car.

 

It was just the two of them, deciding that would be less overwhelming and hopefully more productive. Raven and Octavia were close by though, forty feet away if you want to be exact. They had left for the Blake residence shortly after breakfast and would be ready to come over or leave with Lexa and Clarke at a moment’s notice.

 

Walking up to the front door, Clarke pauses, she’d always just gone in before, never having to knock except for the occasional lost or forgotten key incidents. It feels weird, knocking on her childhood houses door, hoping to be let into a place where she’s only welcome if she conforms to someone else. Shaking those thoughts away, she takes a deep breath and pushes the doorbell.

 

The wait is agony. They’ve probably only been standing there for less than thirty seconds, but it feels like at least ten minutes. What if her mother doesn’t answer? What if she’s not here? Her car isn’t in the drive, but she always parked in the garage. Clarke knows her mother isn’t working, having contacted an old friend who told her Abby left just after three the day before and wasn’t scheduled until the following evening. She has a key, but doubts the locks haven’t been changed so all she can do is wait.

 

A few agonizing seconds later, Abby opens the door with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Clarke. What are you doing here?”

 

“I was hoping we could talk?” She tries to be civil.

 

“Hm and what about?” Her mother asks almost disinterestedly.

 

“I think you know what, but about us...kinda. Well me- my life and you in it.” She cringes at her wording, but no matter how much practising she did, nothing could really prepare her for this.

 

Her mother narrows her eyes slightly, trying to get three steps ahead whatever game Clarke is playing. “And your _friend_ is required for this why?”

 

Lexa stands a little taller and Clarke’s fingers find the pulse on her wrist to ground herself. “I want her here and if I’m being honest, I’m not comfortable being alone with you.”

 

Abby scoffs, “More absurdities, you should be comfortable with me, I am your mother.”

 

“You say that like it’s supposed to mean something and we both know that’s not true” She says before she can stop herself, she can’t get riled up before she can get her point across.

 

“If you are here to try and disparage me further, you can just as quickly turn back the way you came.” Abby says with an upturn of her head.

 

“No, I’m not- That’s not-” She sighs, shaking her head. “Can we just come in?” She asks before tacking on a begrudging ‘ _please’._

 

After a few more seconds of being scrutinized by her mother, the woman steps back into the house and Clarke moves inside, followed by Lexa. They make their way into the living room, not knowing if this was really a ‘sit down’ kind of thing, but still take their place on the loveseat as Abby commandeers the sofa for herself. Not expecting to be welcomed further or offered anything, Clarke takes a moment to clear her head.

 

“Unless you wish to talk about arrangements for your return, I do not see the purpose of this.” Abby starts and oh boy can you just feel the love.

 

“Well, it is something along those lines.” She starts, peaking her mother’s interest. “but like the opposite.” She finishes less eloquently than desired.

 

“All of that schooling and tutoring and you cannot even formulate a proper sentence.” Her mother shakes her head. “Honestly I do not know how it went so wrong. Are you coming home or not?”

 

Home. How such a small word can have such an impact is a tad unsettling, but there are other four-letter words like that so apparently, it’s a common theme. This doesn’t feel like her home though, it hasn’t for a long time, even before she left it didn’t. Where she lives now feel like home and if she actually allowed herself to think about it, a certain person feels a lot like that as well- but that’s something to think about some other time.

 

“Not.”

 

“Then why did you bother showing up here?” Abby asks in exasperation. And ouch if that didn’t hurt a little and throw everything she planned to say out the window. New feelings coming up and overpowering her will.

 

“What did I ever do to you?” She asks, not entirely expecting an answer.

 

“You almost cost me my career.” Clarke’s never heard that one before.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You do not know what I went through, what I had to give up when I found out I was pregnant. People thought I was weak. That I would not be able to do my job. They wanted me to transfer or demote me.” Abby is practically in hysterics at the near thought of that. “But I showed them. I showed them how I would not let it get in the way of my work.”

 

“I apologise for being such a burden on you.” Clarke says sarcastically, although the words cut through her, _it_ , that’s what her mother referred to her as, intentional or not it stung, and she feels Lexa shift closer.

 

“If you had simply done what was expected of you, it would have been worth the tribulations.” Abby says in an almost defeated tone, and Clarke would have laughed if it were about anything other than her life being the bane of her mother’s existence. Now, she feels small and the usual knives she’s felt ripping apart her insides sharpen with their return. Yep, that hurt.

 

“Why did you even have me then?” She asks, barely keeping her voice from cracking.

 

“Your father was ecstatic when he found out and as much as you seem to think otherwise, I did love him. Though, if I had known all of the trouble it would turn out to be we would have started over.” Her _mother_ says so casually that if she weren’t already sitting, Clarke’s legs surely would have buckled.

“How can you talk like that about your daughter?” Lexa exclaims as she stands from her spot, not being able to sit quietly anymore.

 

“Oh, yes, I had almost forgotten you were here.” Abby says, brushing over Lexa’s question and not looking affected by the distress she’s caused her daughter. “How is your little business going?”

 

And that throws Lexa a bit, she tilts her head to this side as if to question the motives of the woman in front of her and trying to keep herself from throttling her, when something clicks. Even though it’s taking away from Clarke, which she doesn’t want, she’ll play the game and maybe give Clarke some time. She starts to casually walk around the room pretending to look at the decor to prolong the moment. “It’s doing well, better than that even, our profits are up 63% from the first of the year.”

 

“Oh is that so?” Abby asks trying to spot Lexa’s bluff.

 

“You look surprised.” Lexa smirks, throwing out her hook. “Grounders offers a variety of outlets for all demographics, patron happiness and satisfaction is our number one priority.”

 

“I am sure they would not be very satisfied if they found out their personal information had been handed out.” Abby says smugly.

 

“I’m sure they wouldn’t,” Lexa agrees “but that hasn’t happened.” She pauses to look at the older woman’s face for any tells. “Unless you know something I don’t?” Lexa asks innocently and Abby glares at her. “I guess you could be referring to an attempted hack, which was amateur at best and barely broke past the first encryption before it was taken care of. I don’t know how you’d know about that though seeing as only a handful of associates know, unless” Lexa raises a brow at Abby. “unless you had something to do with it?”

 

“That is a ludicrous accusation and I will not stand for it.” Abby says as she jolts up from the couch.

 

“Ludicrous indeed.” Lexa hums. “I’m sure I simply misconstrued your concern over my ability to provide for your daughter. You have nothing to worry about though, even if Grounders flopped- which it won’t- we’d be able to live comfortably for a few lifetimes”

 

“I have nothing to ‘worry about’, because whatever you _think_ you have with my daughter, it is nothing more than a quick tryst before she realises what is good for her and settles down with a man a good stature.” Abby declares.

 

“How many times do I have to tell you, I’m bisexual, not confused or being rebellious!” Clarke exclaims after collecting herself, no longer able to let her mother talk like that. “God, there are queer people literally everywhere, not to mention all over the hospital that you treat and work with every day, why can’t you accept that I am too?”

 

“It is not on the path laid out for you.” Abby says simply, back to her collected self.

 

“Oh my god enough of the path, it’s been jackhammered okay? It no longer exists, I’m on a completely new one. One where I’m dating a girl.” She says firmly and takes Lexa’s hand in hers before continuing, even if she’s not sure her head and heart are on the same track yet. “And I don’t see that changing. Dad never had a problem with it, he still loved me, it doesn’t change who I am..”

 

“It changes everything! You are already at a disadvantage being female, if you tack on one of those…” Abby pauses as if saying the next word physically pains her. “ _labels_ , your chance of succeeding is less than that of a minority worker. Trust me when I say I know what is best.” And if she wasn’t focused on not straying off topic, which they have, that would have opened up a whole new conversation.

 

“Not as many people as you think care about that, they just see me as a person and if I have the right skills-”

 

Abby’s scoff interrupts her “You are a college drop-out, what skills could you possibly have? No one wants to hire a failure.”

 

“That’s enough!” Lexa asserts.

 

“Excuse me?” Her mother’s incredulous gaze is back on her girlfriend.

 

But Lexa doesn’t stand down. “I don’t think so-”

 

“You have some nerve raising your voice towards me in _my_ house.”

 

“Only when you think it’s okay to talk to your daughter like that. I won’t allow it.”

 

“You won’t allow it?” Abby laughs “You have no right to mandate anything here, especially to me, and with no force, you are nothing but a girl with all bark and no bite and that is not pretty darling.”

 

“I think we both know looks can be deceiving. I don’t think anyone would peg you as an abuser and manipulator and yet,” Lexa gestures her hand towards the woman “here you are.”

 

“I will not stand for this in my house, you have overstayed your unwelcomed visit and-”

 

“Oh, we’re not done here” Lexa states.

 

“I do not think you have any say in that matter.”

 

“We came here for a reason and one thing you are good at is diverting.”

 

“I am not giving her money” Abby scoffs, crossing her arms.

 

“I don’t want your money,” Clarke says, mind still reeling from the volley of conversation and the tension that has filled the room. “I just want you to leave me alone and-”

 

“I do believe it was you who showed up at my place of work and at my door, I have not seen you since I obliged your wishes and left the city after only wanting to see my daughter who disappeared.”

 

“That’s not what you wanted and we both know that, and you might not have been there physically, but you didn’t leave.”

 

“If this is about your bank account again, I can promise you I had nothing to do with it.” Her mother denies and god she’d be such a believable liar if Clarke didn’t already know the truth.

 

“But you did!”

 

“Clarke honey,” Abby coos and the one eighty nearly gives Clarke whiplash. “I think you need some help. I am more than willing support you if you let me, I think it is more than understandable having to make up stories to fit what is going through your head after what you have been through. I have talked to my colleagues in the psychiatric department, it is quite common among domestic violence victims.”

 

Lexa grabs her by the arm to keep her up when she stumbles back. “Wh-what?” how did she even know?

 

“It is a pity that you allowed yourself to be put in that situation, but you were always-”

 

“Do _not_ finish that sentence.” Lexa growls out, before leading Clarke back to the loveseat.

 

“I only speak the truth, where were you during that time, were you not right next door? Yet, you did nothing. Did you wait so you could turn her into your own little play thing? Mold her into what you desired, have a little submissive girl at your beck and call?” And Lexa want to slap her, wants to do a lot worse than that really, but Clarke doesn’t want that, Clarke doesn’t need to see that. So, she clenches her jaw and fists until she’s sure something is going to pop.

 

“I did do something, there was only so much I could do, and I would never try to change Clarke, because unlike some, I’m a decent human being.” She finishes just as Clarke, in her own world, asks, “how do you even know about that?”

 

“Despite what you may think, I care about you. The court records are public, I must say I was disappointed to see you did not stand trial, that is not who I raised you to be but-”

 

“The paperwork doesn’t have anything about our prior living situation,” Clarke cuts her off, ignoring the diss. Her brow is scrunched in thought as she processes the new information and crosses it with what she knows. “Only that I lived with him...Lexa wasn’t even mentioned in any of it.”

 

“There were hospital records and prior police reports, her name is all over them.”

 

“Those aren’t public.”

 

“They are when you are me.”

 

“I don’t know I think we could tack that onto the growing list of offenses you’ve committed, and people wouldn’t think so.” Lexa says, having had enough of this back and forth and ready to be done with this woman she changes her tactics.

 

“No one would ever believe you.” Abby scoffs.

 

“You know it’s funny, you seem to have done all of this research on Clarke’s life and by extension mine” Lexa starts, putting air quotes around the word research. “And after all of that you still question my capabilities. You are on the board are you not?” Lexa asks not waiting for an answer “then I assume you know the companies Biosan, Danmeter, and Medtronic and that is just naming a few.” Seeing the recognition in the woman’s eyes she continues. “If you had truly done your research you would have found that each of those companies is under a collective, an economic entity through a common source of control.” Abby goes to say something, but Lexa holds up her hand effectively cutting her off. “That very enterprise is Coalition Corp. and that common source of control is me. Now I do believe I told you what you needed to know when we first met. This information is easy to come by, it’s public, and you seem to be well versed in the public and somewhat private information of our lives. So, I’m really finding it hard to believe that you still don’t know who I am or what I could theoretically do if it comes down to it.” Lexa finishes calmly, hands clasped behind her back.

 

Abby takes a moment, whether to gather a response or to compose herself Lexa isn’t sure, it’s probably a combination of the two. “Oh, I have looked into that and I find it hard to believe that all of those rational and _grown_ business professionals would follow the word of a child. You have nothing to back your claims on and they would be foolish to blindly do as you tell them.” Abby says matter of factly, but Lexa just smiles.

 

“I have a good rapport with all of them. I have never done something that would harm or tarnish a company, I only think in their best interests, yes, I am young, but I am no child, I was groomed for this and have more knowledge and experience than most corporate level executives. They know this, they don’t question my motives, however in this case it wouldn’t matter because your actions have been deplorable, and they would pull out on their own. In fact- ”

 

“I will not continue to listen-

 

“I’m not finished.” Lexa levels her, voice not raising yet still commanding. “I also recall telling you what would happen if you did not abide by Clarke’s wishes, you broke our deal, you went against me, but most importantly you went against Clarke. Have you heard of the law of retaliation? Lex talionis, whereby a punishment resembles the offense committed in kind and degree. As much as I would love to have you suffer all of the pain you put Clarke through, that decision is not up to me.” She pauses looking back to the blonde on the sofa. “That doesn’t mean I won’t hesitate if you try something.”

 

Abby darts forward, red faced and fuming. “Now you listen-”

 

But Lexa isn’t having it and cuts through her words. “No, _you_ listen.” She says it with such a deadly calm yet authoritative tone and Abby balks but remains silent. “this is what you are going to do, you’re going to sit here and listen to what Clarke has to say, without interrupting her this time, and then we’ll talk about where that leaves you.” Lexa finishes, leaving no room for argument when she turns to Clarke and gives her a subtle nod.

 

Clarke clears her throat before facing her mother, whose nostrils are flaring. “I don’t want anything from you.” She starts like before “it’s clear that I will never be enough for you or be able to give you what you want, and I will come to accept that.” Abby looks like she wants to say something, but Lexa throws her a daring look and the woman simmers. “In order for me to do that though and to move on with my life, I can’t have you in it. Some of the best advice I’ve been given is that I get to choose who I let be in my life and that if someone takes away from my happiness, no matter who they are, don’t deserve to be a part of it. I am choosing to rid myself of the negative people and yes, that started with Finn, and there will probably be a few more people over the years, but right now it’s you.” She says eyeing her mother. “I can’t be fully happy knowing you are still there wanting me to be something I’m not and trying to mess with what I have to get to me.” She says no longer looking at her mother but the wall behind her. Taking a deep breath to steel herself before she finishes, “None of it was right or justified and everyone says you don’t deserve it, but I forgive you for all that you’ve done and although I won’t forget any of it, I need to move on and so do you.”

 

There is a wide arrange of emotions crossing her mother’s face, none of which are remorse or sadness. The woman looks at Lexa with a raised brow as if questioning whether she could speak or not, to which Lexa nods.

 

“That was a lovely speech, I do not know where that fluency was when you first arrived, but I am glad you retained some lesson. I do however, find it hard to believe that you unambiguously want me to let you simply disappear from my life. I am your mother, it is my right to be there.”

 

“By definition, not behavior. You made it perfectly obvious I was not wanted in the first place and all of your subsequent actions only further that belief. You no longer have that right or any right when it comes to me.” Clarke states.

 

“And if I do not agree to this?”

 

“I believe Lexa told you, the hospital supporters and suppliers will pull out and if that isn’t enough for you and it comes down to it I will take you to court. You may not think I have any evidence, but I have the word of the men you forced me to go to gala’s with and I hired someone to trace the trackers origin, that and I have my own word. I would advise against disagreeing.” She says, only bluffing a little. “We do not fit in each other’s lives, let’s just leave it at that, no more strife.”

 

“That does not leave me any alternatives.” Abby says, still working through other scenarios in her head.

 

“This is what’s best.” Clarke says, standing in hope that they’ll be leaving. “Do we have an understanding?”

 

Abby sizes Lexa up one more time, again probably questioning her credibility. “I suppose, as long as none of this reaches the hospital, we do.”

 

Clarke swallows thickly before nodding. “Your job is safe.” Lexa adds.

 

They turn to make their exit and Clarke looks over her shoulder at the woman sitting on the couch who, as much as she had wished, was never a mother to her. “I wish you the best Abby, whatever that may be, I hope you can be happy.” She turns back when she doesn’t get a response and starts walking towards the hall.

 

“One last thing Clarke.” Abby’s voice calls out and when she turns again, Abby is a lot closer than she anticipated in that short time and she takes a step back. “When this new life you are apparently building falls apart, do not think you can come running back here. I will not have a ungrateful, insolent, dy-” Abby’s slur is cut off when Lexa delivers two quick and successive chops to the side of her neck and jaw, effectively rendering her unconscious.

 

“Lexa!” Clarke stares at her wide eyed.

 

“I’m sorry! I couldn’t keep letting her talk to you like that! It’s not like I punched her, she won’t even have a mark.” Lexa defends.

 

“She’s unconscious.” The blonde says in disbelief.

 

“Which means this is our best chance of leaving peacefully.”

 

“She’s not going to let that go.” She says looking at the slumped figure.

 

“She will if she values her job, which she does.” Lexa points out, still trying to get Clarke to move.  

 

“Yeah...she does.” Clarke agrees, the somberness coming back.

 

Lexa takes her hand and gives it a squeeze before tugging her down the hall. “Let’s get out of here.” And Clarke reluctantly follows after a one more look at the incapacitated woman.

 

On the way to the door, Clarke pauses to brush her fingers over a photo of her father. A “You’ll always be with me.” passing through her lips before she walks out the door.

 

\-----

 

Lexa filled Raven and Octavia in on what happened during the ride back to the hotel, while Clarke curled into the seat towards the door and stared absentmindedly out of the window as the emotions of the day settled on top of her.

 

Now back in their room just the two of them, Clarke sits on the bed with her arms wrapped around her knees and her chin resting on top of them. Her mind is fuzzy and her chest heavy and she doesn’t know why it feels like that. The bed dips next to her, and an arm comes around her shoulder and she leans into it.

 

“What are you thinking?”

 

“I don’t know.” She answers honestly, because she’s still trying to figure that out. Lexa hums in response and places a kiss on the top of her head, letting her work through it. They sit like that for a few minutes, the only difference being the circles being rubbed into her back, before the verbal floodgate opens. “I thought I would feel different. It’s over, right? Why don’t I feel good about it?”

 

“She’s you mother, I think maybe some part of you was hoping she’d change.”

 

“I’m so tired of trying to hate her. I should hate her, shouldn’t I?” She asks, and Lexa knows she’s not expecting a response to that one. “How can she hate me so much? Why doesn’t she love me?” She chokes out and all the emotions finally become too much and tears flow freely down her face as she turns into Lexa’s embrace as the sobs wrack her body.

 

A knock on the door a half hour later is the only thing that separates them as Lexa gets up to answer it. Clarke vaguely thinks she hears hushed arguing as she wipes herself free of any remaining tears and walks into the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. When she comes Raven is seated on the end of the bed and Octavia is leaning against the desk.

 

“What’s up guys?” Clarke asks, trying to sound as casual as possible for some reason, it’s not like they don’t know what happened or haven’t seen her cry before.

 

“We’re here to take your mind off it and if it’s appropriate to say- celebrate.” Raven says and pulls a bottle of champagne out from behind her back. Lexa, arms crossed, removes her glare from the side of Ravens head to give her a concerned look, but Clarke subtly waves it off.

 

“Well alright then, what are you waiting for?”

 

Raven grins and pops the champagne bottle. When it starts to foam, she closes her mouth over the opening to catch the outflow, only moments later her cheeks puff up and the bottle comes away from her lips as a jet of the bubbly liquid shoots from her mouth. Octavia shrieks as she dives out of its path and once she’s reached the safety zone she doubles over laughing. It’s only then that Clarke notices the object in her hand, the shotski that haunted her all throughout the first years of undergrad…

 

It’s going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? Good? Bad? Mediocre? What'd you think?  
> I had the whole Lexa/Abby confrontation play out a lot differently in my head..oh well
> 
> unfortunately with the end of the semester coming up, I'm laden with exams, papers, and projects- so until mid December, if I update at all, it will likely be short chapters. Also this is probably going to end soon after I throw out a bunch of Clexa fluff, so if there is something you want to see, let me know.  
> At some point I'll go back and fix everything  
> Until next time xx


End file.
